Carl called Couples Therapy Inc. when his wife of 22 years calmly told him she was moving out. Amy was about to sign a lease in an apartment two towns away, closer to her new job.
Carl was flabbergasted. He knew Amy was unhappy a few years ago, but things had calmed down since then. She seemed to be more accepting of their life together and even, finally, began to do things on her own rather than bug him to go out.
He was so shocked he asked her, "Why, Amy? Why now? We've finally been getting along, and now you are leaving?! I thought you were happy!"
Amy looked at him with a coldness and distance he had never seen in her before. She told him, "If you thought we were getting along, Carl, I don't know what to say." and she walked out.
Carl called our office, panicked. In our Meet and Greet telephone call, Carl said he didn't see this coming. He would do anything it took to keep his marriage.
I asked Amy how she felt. She said flatly, "I'm doing this weekend for the kids, but nothing will change.
"I've tried for years to get through. I suggested couples counseling many times, and he refused. Now he wants counseling, but it's too late. It's hopeless.
Amy is a walk-away wife.
What is walk-away wife syndrome?
Women file for two-thirds of all divorces. There are particular marital dynamics that create what Michelle Weiner Davis calls the "walk-away" wife.
Wives are the primary emotional caretakers of married life, according to both Davis and Gottman. As Davis says, they look at their "relationship watches" and ask themselves, "Have we spent enough time together? Are we feeling emotionally close? Have we taken a getaway to be alone together?"
If the answer to those questions is no, wives often make attempts to reach out and reconnect. How they do this, of course, is very important. If they do this with gentleness and complaining (Gottman calls the "Softened Start-up"), they are less likely to provoke a response he calls "defensiveness." If they criticize, husbands are more likely to become defensive.
In either case, a husband may become defensive, which creates an escalating pattern of fighting. This is likely to worsen over time.
Unproductive fighting doesn't resolve issues, and neither partner feels heard, understood, respected, nor taken seriously.
In this walkaway wife syndrome, the pattern worsens. Date nights become miserable and stop. Interactions become one hostile exchange after another.
Goodwill is lost, and they fall into Negative Sentiment Override. Neither gives the other the benefit of the doubt. The marriage works poorly, and a predictable cascade of negativity happens in which both partners feel lonely, distant, and misunderstood. It becomes easier to keep your distance than to engage.
In some of these marriages, the wife stops complaining or criticizing. Instead, she withdraws and begins to craft a separate life. The pattern often goes like this:
Signs of walkaway wife syndrome
- She stops complaining. She begins to believe that she can't make an impact on her husband and that he doesn't care. She believes she has tried to beg, plead, fight, cajole, or threaten, and it has had no effect.
- Her husband takes this as a sign that she is finally happy rather than hopeless. He begins to enjoy the peace and quiet, free from negative interactions.
- His passivity confirms to her his lack of investment in her or the marriage.
- Communication deteriorates to "information exchange."
- She rejects his sexual advances or initiates none of her own. If the couple has sex, she is silent and uninvolved.
- She begins to turn to other people to share her joys, sadnesses, disappointments, and victories.
- She creates activities and social networks that don't involve him.
- She focuses on her career and gets a better job to make more money. She is preparing for an independent life. She might stop wanting to share financial resources if the couple did before.
- This typically goes on until some big event occurs in her life. It might be a death in the family, a child leaving home, a big raise, or promotion.
- She now dispassionately tells her husband that she is moving out or filing for divorce, and he is shocked and devastated.
- He puts the nail in the marital coffin by saying: "Why? I thought we were getting along so WELL!"
- She thinks or says: "If you thought that the last several years of silence and disconnection was "getting along," this is even more hopeless than I thought!"
Carl loved his wife but was very disengaged from himself and his emotions. His BIG BIG Book told of a history of an alcoholic father and a distant and self-absorbed mother. He had taken a job that required technical skills but where he needed little verbal or social skills.
When Amy tried to engage with him, he was wary and saw her efforts as trying to control him or as an intrusion instead of an attempt to connect. Sex was the only avenue he knew to feel closer to her. When she expressed her feelings for him, it made him uncomfortable. He learned to be sarcastic, change the subject, or ignore her to create distance.
His notion of marriage was similar to his parent's relationship: hostile, alcohol-saturated, and disconnected. He felt that as long as he worked hard and provided for his family, he was doing his part in the marriage.
Carl didn't want to be known or talk about himself. When he got home, we wanted to be left alone to have a few beers, watch the game, and chill.
Amy met Carl when she was in high school. She saw him as the "strong silent type" and found him very physically attractive. But as her two children got older, she wanted more connection.
She tried to talk to him about "innocent" subjects to get him to talk. She asked him what his favorite movie was as a child. She remembers vividly where she was when she asked him.
He whipped around and snarled at her, "What difference does it make, Amy?! Stop asking stupid questions." It was at that moment, Amy told me, that she believed the marriage was over. If he couldn't answer an innocent question without becoming hostile, there was nothing she could do to change him.
She suggested marriage counseling several times, but each time he refused. It was at that point that Amy began to pull away and focus on herself.
The weekend couples therapy retreat
Amy entered as most walk-away wives do: guarded and defensive. She was expecting to be told to forget the past and try and reconnect.
She simply wasn't going to do that as she had tried too long and was rejected far too often. She was done. She was moving on.
Carl looked anxious and totally out of his element as he entered my office. He wanted to make an all-out effort to save his marriage, but he didn't have the slightest clue how to do it.
In our one-on-one, Carl told me how he had responded to her announcement. Initially, he tried anger.
Then he told her how damaging it would be to the children. Finally, he told her how much she meant to him and how lost and hopeless he'd feel if she left him.
None of it seemed to have an impact.
He would do whatever it took, he told me; he was desperate and single-minded in his efforts to save his marriage and family. He just had to know what to do.
In my one-on-one with Amy, I listened to how lonely and helpless she felt for decades. She was tired of being the only one trying to connect. If it wasn't for sex, they never connected tenderly.
I told her that as the leaning-out spouse, this was a time for contemplation and observation. She had to decide whether to give it "one more try" or not. I was not there to force her into doing anything. She had good reasons for feeling how she felt, and if she chose to, she could share those reasons one last time.
But she also might want to understand what brought her into this relationship and what kept her there for 22 years. Without that understanding, she might simply replace one man like Carl with another man who had similar issues.
In our one-to-one, I told Carl that he had to stop trying to convince her to stay and instead take a look at the man in the mirror. For the first time, Carl was now motivated to do what he'd been unwilling to do up to now: Open up, dig deep, and talk about his history and inner world.
Amy was surprised to hear that Carl remembered being asked about his favorite childhood movie. It was a painful memory that involved his father getting increasingly drunk through the show and making a scene. It was a memory he preferred not to think about.
He admitted that he saw Amy's desire to get close as just another threat to his sense of self, an accusation that he was a failure, just not good enough. It was a message he grew up with.
Amy felt different as she listened to her husband. For the first time, he was talking about himself, with no expectation of her. He wanted to be known by her, even if it meant losing her, he said.
I asked him if he felt like talking about his childhood somehow made him seem weak and undesirable. To him, the answer was obvious: yes.
He talked about how he cut off from her to maintain this wall so that he didn't have to feel anything. He told her that he didn't blame her for wanting to leave. It would probably take years for him to do the work he knew he had to do to heal from his abusive childhood. But he wanted to do it not only for her and the kids; he wanted to do it to be a better man.
Embracing yourself in the face of uncertainty
There is a scene in Raiders of the Lost Arc where the hero faces a pit in front of him and an angry mob behind him. He's been told that there is an invisible bridge right where he stands. He embraces himself and steps out.
That's what Carl was doing, taking a risk with no promise of safety. And that act would make him a better second husband if Amy no longer wanted him as her first.
Amy did gain greater respect for Carl's openness and honesty over that weekend. She knew they had a lot to do to reconnect, but she was now willing to try.
This article is unnecessarily misogynistically skewed as the wife being the one with the problem. She becomes "shrill" and if she can "calm down" and "be open," then things might get better? Wtf? How about if the husband grew-up and did some work BEFORE he imploded his own marriage?
I think your article is a bunch of BS. It appears to me you favor the wife and put all of the work/blame on the husband. Marriage is a 50/50 partnership. As I read your article it is the Husband that must be at fault "Attention clueless husband", "If you’re a walk away wife, I get it… you’re fed up", "Look, at the end of the day, you are not responsible for your Walk Away Wife’s emotions. But if you can fess up and admit your role in the deterioration of the marriage… well, that would be a helpful and healing admission", "Admit you blew it to your walk away wife", should I go on? I call BS as it should be soul searching on both sides. Many of the comments below are of my same sentiment. This article could actually be written in the reverse from the point of view of the wife being the failure. I would not ever use your services as a Marriage and Family Therapist. You are apparently writing from the point of view that you also were the failing part of the marriage but did not have the common sense to understand that it also might be her as well!
It’s the problem I’ve seen with husbands that contact us, Mike: Their wife is walking away, and they simply want help changing that. Trying to convince someone leaving you that THEY are the ones with the problem is a recipe for failure if you want them to stay and work it out.
If you don’t want her to stay, you can do nothing, or tell her how she needs to do some personal work on herself. Tell her she’s the problem for leaving. Tell she needs help. Tell her that it takes “two to tango” and that after she does work on herself, you’ll do some too. Or you can do it together.
The post is telling you that you can expect her to share the blame, and that’s accurate, of course, in most situations, but it’s not likely to work. –Dr. K
I agree. My wife after 34 years went to individual counseling after her father passed and was put on anti-depressants. Little did I know they kill libido and suppress feelings of love. Now she wants to separate. I was never called into counseling. This is a woman who had my name tattooed on her. Was loving and devoted up until she started counseling and anti depressants. Now I'm the source of all her sadness. Therapists and the medical community that prescribe these things are DESTROYING families.
The cognitive dissonance in the psychology communities false belief that women have a higher EQ, while minimizing their criticism and contempt behavior toward their long term SO, is vivid to those of us watching the pysch community try to rationalize and explain the female intrinsic biological desire drivers.
You have come a long way by paying attention to the seduction community, in the past 15 years. but are still loath to call a spade a spade. Even with>75% statistics staring you in the face.
Stop blaming men for women’s bad behavior.
Let them deal with the consequences of their emotional dysregulation and hypergamy
We don’t tolerate critical contemptuous behavior in the work environment, so telling men it’s ok from their wives is baldly hypocritical.
If women had a higher EQ. They would know what the best gift they could give their children was.
If women had a higher EQ, you wouldn’t be using diminishing phrases for there emotionally violent behaviors.
Stop diminishing mens feelings for being treated with disrespect and contempt.
Either everyone’s feelings matter, or no ones does.
When a female tries to elevate herself by calling you a bad Communicator,
‘Show me what that looks like’
And watch her walk away.
A female lack of insight into her emotional motivators, Is Not Mens Fault.
You had me right up until you misused the word there. So disappointing.
Me and my wife after 2 years just divorced. Had been going through some issues with social media (me) and her talking all the time on phone with a ex bf who is married.Came back off a vacation texted me when need to talk bout future and there we have it. I really love my ex wife any suggestions