Negative Sentiment Override: Why it all feels so Hopeless

Negative sentiment override (NSO) refers to a state in a relationship where negative emotions and perceptions outweigh a partner’s positive perspective. Positive sentiment override (PSO) is just the opposite. Here, a partner making a negative comment might be seen as tired. Alternatively, the tone might be interpreted as “for emphasis” instead of hostility.

According to John Gottman’s research, NSO skews emotions and views about the partner and the relationship negatively. PSO biases do the opposite: the partner overlooks or minimizes the negative and positive emotions that predominate. Partners feel positive about their partner and the relationship even without positive behaviors.

In PSO, couples remember “the good times.”

For many of my couples, there was once a time when it was peaceful and natural. When doing the simplest things together brings joy or comfort. Remembering those times allows you to feel more hopeful and optimistic about your relationship naturally.

For example, in NSO, Barbara could only see her husband, Kevin, as inconsiderate of her need to work evenings. When she shifted to PSO, she could view his cooking dinner on the evenings she worked as his contribution to her busy schedule. She gave that behavior no weight when she was in NSO.

Is your relationship “hopeless?”

In NSO, everything you say to your partner might be met with stone-cold silence or a hostile or sarcastic comment. Couples in NSO wear “dark gray glasses” and interpret even the most positive statement as an intended insult or sarcasm. Researchers also found that NSO can worsen in couples therapy if the therapist is allowing one partner to control the other’s conversation.

Gottman says those in NSO are “…imprisoned in a roach motel for lovers... they check in, but they can’t check out...”

Couples can’t imagine anything can change when they are in NSO.

Why is it called negative sentiment override?

Imagine a plane flying over turbulent airwaves when suddenly it begins to wash over calm airwaves containing a sheep pasture. The aircraft then goes back into turbulent airwaves.

Did the pilot notice that the air was calm? Did he enjoy the peaceful time, or was he so focused on the previous turbulence that he ignored the smooth flying?

In many marriages, angry or hopeless feelings and experiences are the cause of turbulence. The soft and tender feelings are calm. In some relationships, we focus only on negative emotions, and warm and fuzzy feelings or good times are ignored or discounted.

Couples go from negative experiences to negative experiences, jumping over or “overriding” the positives in the relationship.

In one study, couples discounted, reframed, ignored, or minimized the warm or positive interactions half the time, according to researchers, but identified every single slight or bad feeling accurately. To these couples, the “glass is half empty.”

Fondness and admiration

As a couples therapist, part of the challenge with NSO couples is to persuade them that it’s even possible. So many couples who have traveled far down the “Distance and Isolation Cascade” have difficulty seeing any redeeming qualities in their partner.

Interestingly, when couples are first in love, the reverse is true: They say “love is blind,” but actually, love is more “apathetic” to our partner’s faults than blind to them. Most newlyweds can accurately point out weaknesses and flaws but aren’t bothered by them.

Let’s face it, none of us are perfect, and part of having a happy marriage is the capacity to “override” the negative and focus on the positive.

“Hard” vs. “soft” reasons for divorce

Of course, some of these “negatives” are hard to overlook, especially in large doses. William Doherty calls them “hard” vs. “soft” reasons for marital dissolution. Violence, substance abuse, personality disorders, and chronic infidelities are “hard” reasons. Soft reasons are typically more subjective and may vary depending on individual perspectives and experiences.

And chronic fighting is neither. Fighting itself is no predictor of divorce.

Anxiety and NSO

Your internal state, separate from your partner, can also land couples in NSO. According to one researcher, couples who scored higher on anxiety were more likely to be in NSO.

Length of Marriage and Sentiment Override

While it might be easier to be happier and more satisfied with your marriage when the stress of raising children is gone and finances have eased, that isn’t automatic. However, even in long-term marriages, happier couples are couple in Positive Sentiment Override. They get along better because they are in NSO, not because of the length of their marriages. Marital satisfaction was still a significant predictor of sentiment override in another study.

Retraining Your Mind

In couples counseling, couples practice noticing their partner’s positive attempts during treatment. They actively calm themselves down and reassure themselves when the “soft” negatives arise. They devise ways to begin again to look at the positives: “She might not keep her car’s oil changed, but she’s a very affectionate spouse.” or “He likes to lounge on Saturday, but he doesn’t mind if I go out…”

It’s important to note that sentiment override is not static and can fluctuate over time. Couples can work on cultivating positive sentiment override by nurturing their emotional connection, practicing effective communication, and focusing on their relationship’s strengths and positive aspects.

Additionally, seeking professional help, such as couples therapy, can provide support in addressing and resolving negative sentiment override, fostering a healthier and more satisfying relationship.

References

Hawkins, M., Carrère, S. & Gottman, John. (2002). Marital Sentiment Override: Does It Influence Couples’ Perceptions? Journal of Marriage and Family. 64. 193 – 201. 10.1111/j.1741-3737.2002.00193.x.

Johnson, L., Tambling, R. & Anderson, S. (2014). A Video Recall Study of In-session Changes in Sentiment Override. Family Process. 54. 10.1111/famp.12118.

Olson, S., Chesnut, S. & DeCino, D. (2021). The Influence of Anxiety on Response to Negative Sentiment Override Assessment Protocols During Couples Counseling. Journal of Mental Health Counseling. 43. 354-371. 10.17744/mehc.43.4.05.

Story, T., Berg, C., Smith, T., Beveridge, R., Henry, N. & Pearce, G. (2007). Age, Marital Satisfaction, and Optimism as Predictors of Positive Sentiment Override in Middle-Aged and Older Married Couples. Psychology and aging. 22. 719-27.