Respect is a cornerstone of any healthy marriage. When partners treat each other with consideration, kindness, and appreciation, it lays the foundation for a strong and lasting relationship. But what does respect look like in practice? How can you effectively communicate your respect for your spouse? Recent psychology research offers valuable insights into the specific behaviors and attitudes that contribute to a respectful and satisfying marriage.

The science of respect in relationships

Studies have consistently shown that respect is a key predictor of relationship satisfaction and longevity. One influential study found that feeling respected by one’s partner was more important for relationship satisfaction than feeling loved.1 Another study revealed that perceived respect from one’s spouse was associated with better conflict resolution and greater willingness to forgive.2

So what concrete actions make spouses feel respected? Researchers have identified several key behaviors:

1. Express gratitude and appreciation

Regularly acknowledging your partner’s positive qualities, efforts, and contributions is a powerful way to show respect.3 This could be as simple as saying “thank you” for everyday acts of kindness or expressing heartfelt appreciation for your spouse’s hard work and dedication to the family.

2. Listen attentively and validate feelings


Giving your undivided attention when your partner is speaking and making an effort to understand their perspective, even if you disagree, communicates deep respect.4 Avoid interrupting, minimizing their feelings, or rushing to offer advice. Instead, focus on listening with empathy and validating their experience.

3. Honor your partner’s boundaries and privacy

Respecting your spouse’s physical, emotional, and digital boundaries is crucial for maintaining trust and autonomy in the relationship.5 This means not snooping through their personal belongings, respecting their need for alone time, and being mindful about sharing private information about your partner with others.

4. Speak and act with kindness

How you say something matters just as much as what you say. Using a gentle tone, kind words, and non-aggressive body language signals respect for your partner. Aim to interact with patience and goodwill, even during disagreements or when delivering constructive feedback.

5. Show consideration for your partner’s time and priorities

Being respectful of your spouse’s time, whether it’s honoring commitments, arriving punctually for dates, or giving advanced notice about schedule changes, demonstrates that you value and prioritize the relationship.6 It also means being supportive of their personal goals and interests, even if they differ from your own.

6. Be trustworthy and dependable

Keeping your word, following through on commitments, and being reliable in your actions demonstrates respect for your partner.7 This fosters a sense of security and trust in the relationship.

7. Support your partner’s personal growth

Encouraging your spouse’s individual interests, hobbies, and goals shows that you respect their personal development and autonomy.8 Be their cheerleader and celebrate their achievements.

8. Respect your partner’s family and friends

Treating your spouse’s loved ones with kindness and consideration, even if you have differences, is a way to show respect for your partner’s relationships and background.9

9. Communicate openly and honestly

Being transparent about your thoughts, feelings, and needs, while also being receptive to your partner’s perspective, creates a climate of respect and understanding in the relationship.10

10. Share household responsibilities

Dividing chores and decision-making equitably, based on each partner’s strengths and preferences, demonstrates respect for each other’s time and contributions to the household.11

11. Maintain physical affection and intimacy

Expressing affection through physical touch, whether it’s holding hands, hugging, or being intimate, is a way to show love, appreciation, and respect for your partner.12

12. Respect each other’s privacy and space

Giving your partner privacy when they need it and respecting their personal space and belongings is essential for maintaining a sense of individuality and autonomy within the relationship.5

13. Apologize and forgive

Being willing to sincerely apologize for mistakes and extending forgiveness when your partner falls short is a profound way to show respect and care for each other.13

Putting respect into action

Integrating these behaviors into your daily interactions can make a profound difference in the quality of your marriage. However, showing respect is an ongoing practice that requires self-awareness, intention, and consistency. Start by noticing opportunities to express gratitude, validate your partner’s feelings, honor their boundaries, communicate with kindness, and be considerate of their time. If you slip up, take responsibility, apologize sincerely, and recommit to treating your spouse with the respect they deserve.

Remember, even small acts of respect can have a big impact over time. By making respect a daily priority, you invest in the long-term health and happiness of your marriage. A relationship built on a foundation of mutual respect is one that can withstand challenges, foster intimacy, and bring out the best in both partners.

Summary

Showing respect in marriage is not about grand gestures, but rather the accumulation of everyday choices to treat your spouse with care, consideration, and appreciation. By aligning your actions with the key components of respect – expressing gratitude, listening attentively, honoring boundaries, speaking with kindness, and showing consideration – you can strengthen your bond and create a more fulfilling partnership.

Footnotes

  1. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown Publishers.
  2. Fincham, F. D., & Beach, S. R. H. (2002). Forgiveness in marriage: Implications for psychological aggression and constructive communication. Personal Relationships, 9(3), 239-251.
  3. Gordon, A. M., Impett, E. A., Kogan, A., Oveis, C., & Keltner, D. (2012). To have and to hold: Gratitude promotes relationship maintenance in intimate bonds. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 103(2), 257-274.
  4. Kuhn, R., Bradbury, T. N., Nussbeck, F. W., & Bodenmann, G. (2018). The power of listening: Lending an ear to the partner during dyadic coping conversations. Journal of Family Psychology, 32(6), 762-772.
  5. Petronio, S. (2002). Boundaries of privacy: Dialectics of disclosure. State University of New York Press.
  6. Amato, P. R., Johnson, D. R., Booth, A., & Rogers, S. J. (2007). Alone together: How marriage in America is changing. Harvard University Press.
  7. 7. Rempel, J. K., Holmes, J. G., & Zanna, M. P. (1985). Trust in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 49(1), 95-112.
  8. Feeney, B. C. (2004). A secure base: Responsive support of goal strivings and exploration in adult intimate relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(5), 631-648.
  9. Fiese, B. H., Tomcho, T. J., Douglas, M., Josephs, K., Poltrock, S., & Baker, T. (2002). A review of 50 years of research on naturally occurring family routines and rituals: Cause for celebration? Journal of Family Psychology, 16(4), 381-390.
  10. Laurenceau, J. P., Barrett, L. F., & Pietromonaco, P. R. (1998). Intimacy as an interpersonal process: The importance of self-disclosure, partner disclosure, and perceived partner responsiveness in interpersonal exchanges. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(5), 1238-1251.
  11. Coltrane, S. (2000). Research on household labor: Modeling and measuring the social embeddedness of routine family work. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(4), 1208-1233.
  12. Gulledge, A. K., Gulledge, M. H., & Stahmann, R. F. (2003). Romantic physical affection types and relationship satisfaction. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 31(4), 233-242.
  13. Fincham, F. D., Hall, J., & Beach, S. R. H. (2006). Forgiveness in marriage: Current status and future directions. Family Relations, 55(4), 415-427.