Stop Gottman’s Four Horsemen from Ruining Your Marriage

Welcome to the cornerstone of John and Julie Gottman's work from the Gottman Institute.

This work is a researched based predictor of divorce. It uses this biblical metaphor to describe destructive communication styles predictive of divorce. This work is researched based.

What are the Four Horsemen in Conflict?

In the four horsemen of the apocalypse, Gottman finds four behaviors destructive to love. Improving your relationship. these four horsemen, Gottman says, means learning to eliminate them. These four horsemen, John Gottman claims, are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt and are very damaging to a marriage.

You can improve your marriage by changing these patterns. It is a key element of working in the Gottman Method.

First Horseman – Criticism

Criticism is one of the four horsemen according to Dr. John Gottman

In criticism, you blame your partner. You frame your complaints as if there’s something defective in your partner, and it seldom works.

Every marriage has conflict discussions. But Gottman has learned that how you begin this conversation matters. Bad starts predict bad endings.

Commenting on your partner’s personality is criticism. There is a direct implication that something is wrong with your partner’s character. e.g.:

“You’re a jerk!!!”

“Can’t I complain?”

Of course. Expressing your feelings, even strong, powerful feelings is fine. But how you do it matters.

Criticism vs. Complaints

A complaint is not like criticism. A complaint is specific to a behavior you want to change. Criticism is an attack on the person. A complaint focuses on the issue.

What’s Wrong with Criticism?

You may feel angry and emotionally overwhelmed but making your partner the problem when talking about your unhappiness is seldom effective and damages your fondness and admiration system.

Defensiveness is an attempt to protect yourself, to defend your innocence or to ward off a perceived attack.

Sometimes it is done by counter-attacking or whining (innocent victim stance). e.g., “Me? Why are you picking on me? What about you?”

What’s Wrong with Defensiveness?

Defensiveness implies your partner won't impact or influence you. They cannot have an effect on you.

Escalating the fight is often the result.

The “masters of marriage” accept some responsibility for their actions. They don’t bat it back and ask themselves: "Is there anything I can agree with?" They don’t deny all charges!

Curing defensiveness means accepting some responsibility. You look for what you agree with, in what your partner says, not what you disagree with. You communicate:

“I hear you. You and what you say matters to me.”

Defensiveness causes things to escalate FAST! As therapists, we need to clearly identify defensiveness (e.g. You’re being attacked…) from perceived criticism. It is a difficult habit to break.

Stonewalling is ineffective

Stonewalling is an ineffective attempt to calm yourself (or the situation) down, but often this doesn’t happen for two reasons:

1. The person who is stonewalling is rehearsing negative thoughts over and over in their minds (“I can’t believe she said that! That is so unfair!”) and
2. the person who is experiencing the stonewalling often finds it very upsetting to be ignored. They will attempt to re-engage their partner by escalating the conflict. In other words, they fight harder or louder

Learn to calm yourself down and then re-engage in the conversation actively. I teach ways to calm down using biofeedback instruments with people who Stonewall.

If women do most of the complaining, men do most of the stonewalling. It is helpful to help a husband recognize why he’s Stonewalling his spouse and help him to calm down.

Fourth Horseman: Contempt

Fighting Contempt…the Most Destructive of Gottman’s 4 Horsemen

The antidote to contempt means talking about yourself and not your partner. While ultimately we want to build a culture of respect and appreciatioin, that's not always easy right off.

Both of you may be feeling very unappreciated in this relationship, but attacking your partner isn’t the way to enhance their appreciation of your finer qualities!

To change this around, the long-term goal is to change one’s mindset actively. Talk about yourself, not your partner and his or her faults. If you can point a finger as you’re talking, you are likely being critical or contemptuous. Talk instead about yourself, your feelings, your desires, and your frustrations.

Creating change

Troubled couples are very speedy in their interactions. They can flash a sneer or roll their eyes in an instant. This is why true couples therapists are often called “Ninjas.”

To change destructive patterns, the Four Horsemen have to be recognized and stopped. At Couples Therapy Inc we teach couples how to do it.

Our science-based training assures you of the highest quality, best-trained clinicians to tackle your most angry fights.

Originally published August 5, 2013