Originally published August 5, 2013
Updated: February 5, 2025

The Four Horsemen of Relationships – criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt – are relationship-destroying behaviors identified by Dr. John Gottman through decades of research. Understanding these patterns can save your relationship.

Welcome to the cornerstone of John and Julie Gottman’s work from the Gottman Institute.

The 4 Horsemen of Relationships at a Glance:

Think of these as red flags in your relationship:

  • Criticism: Attacking your partner’s character (“You never think about anyone but yourself!”)
  • Defensiveness: Refusing to take responsibility (“It’s not my fault, you’re the one who started it!”)
  • Stonewalling: Shutting down and turning away (giving the silent treatment, avoiding eye contact)
  • Contempt: Treating your partner with disrespect (eye-rolling, mocking, hostile sarcasm)

What Are the Four Horsemen of Relationships?

In the 4 horsemen. Gottman finds four behaviors destructive to love. Improving your relationship means learning to eliminate them. They are very damaging to a marriage.

You can improve your marriage by changing these patterns.

1. Criticism: Words That Hurt

Criticism attacks your partner’s character instead of talking about the problem.

In criticism, you blame your partner. You frame your complaints as if there’s something defective in your partner, and it changes your partner’s behavior.

Every marriage has conflict discussions. But Gottman has learned that how you begin this conversation matters. Bad starts predict bad endings.

Commenting on your partner’s personality is criticism. There is a direct implication that something is wrong with your partner’s character.

What it sounds like:

  • “You never help around here!”
  • “You never listen!”
  • “You only think about yourself!”

Criticism vs. Complaints

A complaint is not like criticism. It is specific to a behavior you want to change. Criticism attacks the person, while a complaint focuses on the issue.

What’s Wrong with Criticism?

You may feel angry and emotionally overwhelmed, but making your partner the problem when talking about your unhappiness is seldom effective and damages your fondness and admiration system.

Complain about behavior instead.

Complaining requires you to be specific about the behavior you want to change. So, in couples therapy, we focus on changing your partner’s annoying behavior using simple, direct requests.

The “masters of relationships” complain. The “disasters of relationships” criticize.

It can be really challenging to break a chronic pattern of criticizing. We teach you how to re-word your criticisms and remove the toxic elements.

2. Defensiveness: Fighting Back Instead of Listening

In defensiveness, you feel under attack; your response to “feeling criticized” is to get defensive. I say “feeling criticized” instead of “being criticized” because your perception is a driving force, whether it’s an actual criticism or not.

What it looks like:

  • Counter-attacking or – Saying, “But you do it too!”
  • Refusing to admit mistakes – “No, that was intentional…”
  • Whining or playing the innocent victim, e.g., “Me? Why are you picking on me? I can never do anything right in your eyes!”

Defensiveness is an attempt to protect yourself, to defend your innocence, or to ward off a perceived attack.

What’s Wrong with Defensiveness?

Defensiveness implies your partner won’t impact or influence you. They cannot affect you.

Escalating the fight is often the result.

What to Do Instead:

  • The “masters of relationships” accept some responsibility for their actions.
  • They don’t bat it back. Instead, they ask themselves: “Is there anything I can agree with?”
  • They don’t deny all charges!

Curing defensiveness means accepting some responsibility. You look for what you agree with, what your partner says, and not what you disagree with. You communicate:

“I hear you. You and what you say matters to me.”

Defensiveness causes things to escalate FAST! As therapists, we must clearly identify defensiveness (e.g., You’re being attacked…) from perceived criticism. It is a difficult habit to break.

Stonewalling: The (flooded) Silent Treatment

Stonewalling happens when you shut down instead of working things out. It is seen chiefly (85%) in men.

You will see this type of non-verbal behavior:

  • Looking to the side
  • Not maintaining eye contact
  • Crossing one’s arms

People often stonewall because they become overwhelmed internally…what Gottman calls “flooded.” Physiologically, their heartbeat races, and they stop thinking clearly. They get highly agitated.

Do this instead:

  • Say, “I need a break.”
  • Take 20 minutes to calm down
  • Come back and talk things through

Stonewalling is ineffective

Stonewalling is an ineffective attempt to calm yourself (or the situation) down, but often this doesn’t happen for two reasons:

  1. The person who is stonewalling is rehearsing negative thoughts over and over in their mind (“I can’t believe she said that! That is so unfair!”), and
  2. The person experiencing the stonewalling often finds it very upsetting to be ignored. They will attempt to re-engage their partner by escalating the conflict. In other words, they fight harder or louder.

Learn to calm yourself down and then re-engage in the conversation actively. We teach ways to calm down using biofeedback instruments with people who Stonewall.

If women complain most, men stonewall most. It can be helpful to help a husband recognize why he’s Stonewalling his spouse and calm down.

4. Contempt: The Relationship Killer

Contempt is the worst of the four horsemen of relationships. It means treating your partner like they’re beneath you. Your goal should be to eliminate all contempt.

What it looks like:

  • Rolling your eyes
  • Using mean sarcasm
  • Mocking your partner
  • Speaking with disgust

It includes things like verbal threats, name-calling, and nonverbal cues like eye-rolling and insulting.

We see the other three Horsemen in healthy relationships, but we don’t see Contempt when a relationship is working well.

Being contemptuous puts your partner down and takes a higher moral ground. They argue that they are superior to you. It may include belligerence – declaring an all-out war on one another.

Sometimes, couples will mock each other. Sometimes, they will correct each other’s grammar. The message is “I’m superior to you. You are beneath me.” or “Ya, right, you idiot…” It’s a toxic mindset

Fighting Contempt…the Most Destructive of Gottman’s 4 Horsemen

The antidote to contempt means talking about yourself and not your partner. While ultimately, we want to build a culture of respect and appreciation, that’s not always easy, right off.

Both of you may feel very unappreciated in this relationship, but attacking your partner isn’t how to enhance their appreciation of your finer qualities!

To change this around, the long-term goal is to change one’s mindset actively. Talk about yourself, not your partner and his or her faults. If you can point a finger while talking, you are likely being critical or contemptuous. Instead, talk about yourself, your feelings, desires, and frustrations.

How the Four Horsemen Destroy Relationships

When these four toxic behaviors take root in a relationship, they break down trust and connection like a domino effect:

Criticism chips away at your partner’s self-worth. When you constantly hear something is wrong with you (not just your actions), you start believing it. This creates deep emotional wounds that are hard to heal. For example, repeatedly hearing, “You’re so thoughtless,” makes someone feel fundamentally flawed, not just that they made a mistake.

Defensiveness blocks real problem-solving. It’s like building a wall between you and your partner. When someone says, “It’s not my fault!” or “What about what you did?” the real issues never get fixed. The problems pile up, leaving both partners feeling unheard and frustrated.

Stonewalling creates emotional distance. When one partner shuts down and gives the cold shoulder, the other feels alone and rejected. Simple disagreements turn into painful standoffs. Trust breaks down because there’s no way to work through problems together.

Contempt is the most damaging of all. When you treat your partner like they’re beneath you – through eye rolls, mocking, or hostile humor – you destroy the foundation of respect that every relationship needs. Once contempt becomes a habit, partners stop seeing the good in each other. Love can’t survive in an atmosphere of disrespect.

When these four behaviors work together, they create a toxic cycle: Criticism leads to defensiveness, which can cause stonewalling, which often brings out contempt. Breaking this cycle early is key to saving your relationship.

Identifying the Four Horsemen in Your Relationship

Watch for these warning signs in your daily interactions:

Criticism shows up when…

  • You start sentences with “You never” or “You always.”
  • You blame your partner’s personality instead of discussing specific actions
  • You make sweeping statements like “You’re so lazy” instead of talking about one situation

Defensiveness appears when…

  • You respond to concerns with, “But you do it too!”
  • You make excuses before your partner finishes talking
  • You refuse to admit even small mistakes

Stonewalling happens when…

  • Your partner turns away during tough talks
  • They stop responding with words or nods
  • They leave the room during arguments
  • They stare at their phone instead of engaging

Contempt sneaks in when…

  • Eye-rolling becomes a habit
  • You or your partner use sarcasm to hurt
  • You mock each other’s feelings
  • You speak with a tone of disgust

Overcoming the Four Horsemen of Relationships

To combat the four horsemen of relationships, try these daily practices:

How to Replace Criticism with Healthy Complaints:

  • Talk about your feelings using “I feel” statements
  • Ask for what you need directly
  • Focus on one specific situation, not personality flaws

Example: Instead of “You’re so forgetful!” try “I feel worried when the bills are paid late. Can we set up reminders together?”

Breaking the Defensiveness Cycle:

  • Take a deep breath before responding
  • Find the truth in your partner’s message
  • Accept some responsibility, even if it’s small

Example: Instead of “It’s not my fault!” try “You’re right, I could have called to let you know I’d be late.”

Moving Past Stonewalling:

  • Tell your partner you need a break
  • Take 20-30 minutes to calm down
  • Return to the conversation when you’re ready. Example:

Example: Say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we take a 30-minute break and finish this talk after?”

Building Respect to Eliminate Contempt:

  • Share appreciation daily
  • Point out what your partner does right
  • Remember, you’re on the same team.

Example: Start each day by thanking your partner for something specific they did.

Practice these new habits daily. Small changes in how you talk to each other can make a big difference. Remember, no one is perfect – progress matters more than perfection.

When to Get Help

It’s normal to see these patterns sometimes. But if you notice them a lot:

  • Talk to a couples counselor
  • Read relationship books together
  • Take a relationship workshop
  • Practice these better habits daily

Creating change

Troubled couples are very speedy in their interactions. They can flash a sneer or roll their eyes in an instant. This is why true couples therapists are often called “Ninjas.”

The Four Horsemen must be recognized and stopped to change destructive patterns. At Couples Therapy Inc., we teach couples how to do it.

Our science-based training assures you of the highest quality, best-trained clinicians to tackle your most angry fights.