Introduction

As internet pornography has become ubiquitous, more couples are grappling with its impact on their relationships. While porn use isn’t always problematic, the latest psychology research suggests it can negatively affect marital satisfaction and sexual intimacy, especially when it becomes compulsive or takes the place of partnered sex. 1,2 Let’s dive into the science behind this phenomenon.

Porn and aggression

A meta-analysis by Allen et al. (1995) found that while consumption of pictorial nudity reduces subsequent aggressive behavior, viewing violent pornography generated more aggression than nonviolent porn.3 So the type of content viewed matters in terms of its potential negative effects.

Porn use and intimate partner violence

Jongsma and Fritz (2021) in a 4 month study, discovered that men’s higher frequently of porn use at the start and throughout their study, reported higher rates of intimate partner violence (IPV) perpetration and victimization by the end of the study.4 This link between porn use and IPV is concerning.

The Case of Jason and Julie

Consider Jason and Julie, married in their early 30s. Jason began using internet porn in his teens and continued into adulthood. Over time, his use became more frequent and compulsive. Julie noticed Jason seemed less interested in sex with her and often struggled with erectile dysfunction. When she tried to discuss her concerns, Jason became defensive, and claimed it had no impact on him or the relationship. Men in several self-report studies have claimed that porn has a positive impact on their self-image, and claim porn functions as a sex educator. Researchers are skeptical, however. 1

Julie’s experience aligns with a 2019 survey of over 15,000 American adults that found increased porn use was associated with decreased sexual satisfaction.5 Another study of heterosexual couples directly linked men’s porn use to lower sexual quality for both partners.6

Porn’s impact on relationship satisfaction

Wright et al.’s (2017) meta-analysis of 50 studies involving over 50,000 participants concluded that men’s porn consumption negatively affects both their sexual and relationship satisfaction.7 However, porn use doesn’t always spell relationship disaster – its impact may vary based on factors like gender, attachment styles, and relationship functioning. 8

Still, Jason’s pattern of frequently using porn alone rather than with Julie likely contributed to their intimacy issues. Solitary porn use for masturbation can displace partnered sex and breed resentment. 9

Women and porn

Researchers have noticed that the impact of women viewing porn appears to have a less damaging impact on relationships than male partners. This might be because of smaller samples of women in relationships who watch porn alone. According to one researcher, co-viewing can sometimes enhance a couple’s sex life.10

Brain changes and unrealistic expectations

Frequent porn consumption shapes the brain in concerning ways. It provides an exaggerated level of stimulation that can lead to desensitization and cravings for more extreme content to get the same excitement.11 This is one reason why many compulsive porn users have unrealistic expectations of their partners.

Men develop unrealistic expectation from using porn for masturbation. When they do, the sexual experience is under the porn user’s direction. They stop being oriented to sex as a relational act. When they do approach their partner for sex, it leads to unrealistic assumption that when they are ready for sex, so should their partner. With this less than romantic stance, relational attunement suffers significantly.

Jason often expected Julie to be ready for sex whenever he was in the mood, not grasping that her arousal process was different. He grew frustrated when she needed more time or a different approach. This mismatch in expectations, fueled by his porn habits, left both feeling rejected and resentful.

Comparing partners to porn

A 2007 study found that men exposed to numerous images of sexy women rated their own partners lower on attractiveness, intelligence, and warmth.12 While women tend to be more negatively impacted by comparing themselves to idealized images in media,13,14 men appear more prone to making upward comparisons to male performers in porn.15, 16

Julie began to feel unattractive and undesirable as Jason’s porn use continued. She worried he was fantasizing about other women and might even be tempted to cheat. Their intimacy eroded along with her self-esteem and their mutual trust.

Seeking help and healing

Not every couple faces challenges with porn use. In face, one researcher discovered six distinct profiles of couples, based upon factors such as frequency of use, content of the porn, and the role porn played within their relationship. The more clandestine and secretive, combined with a partner avoids porn, the more likely porn is to lower well-being and relationship quality. 17

Recognizing the effect that repeated fighting about Jason’s compulsive porn use had on their relationship, the couple sought help. They found a therapist specializing in sexual issues and began the hard work of rebuilding intimacy. Jason also addressed his behavior in individual therapy.

With commitment and support, Jason and Julie rekindled their bond and created a more fulfilling sex life. Their story highlights the importance of open communication, willingness to change, and getting professional guidance when porn becomes a problem.

Summary

As research continues to reveal porn’s impact on relationships, couples and therapists must address this issue proactively. Being mindful of how pornography shapes expectations, emotional intimacy, and sexual satisfaction is crucial.

Couples concerned about porn’s role in their relationship should have an honest, judgment-free discussion. Seeking support from a qualified therapist can be invaluable. Ultimately, building a strong intimate connection requires being intentional about how we focus our sexual energy. With self-awareness, open communication, and commitment, couples can keep their bond thriving despite the challenges posed by porn.

References

[1] Willoughby, B., Carroll, J., Busby, D., & Brown, C. (2016). Differences in pornography use among couples: Associations with satisfaction, stability, and relationship processes. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 45(1), 145-158. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-015-0562-9
[2] Maddox, A. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2011). Viewing sexually-explicit materials alone or together: Associations with relationship quality. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 40(2), 441-448. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-009-9585-4
[3] Allen, M., D’Alessio, D., & Brezgel, K. (1995). A meta-analysis summarizing the effects of pornography II: Aggression after exposure. Human Communication Research, 22(2), 258-283. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1468-2958.1995.tb00368.x
[4] Jongsma, K. & Fritz, P. (2021). The role of pornography use in intimate partner violence in different-sex couples: A prospective longitudinal study. Journal of Interpersonal Violence. https://doi.org/10.1177/08862605211055145
[5] Perry, S. L., & Schleifer, C. (2019). Are pornography users more likely to experience a romantic breakup? Evidence from longitudinal data. Sexuality & Culture, 23(4), 1175-1196.
[6] Poulsen, F. O., Busby, D. M., & Galovan, A. M. (2013). Pornography use: Who uses it and how it is associated with couple outcomes. Journal of Sex Research, 50(1), 72-83. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2011.648027
[7] Wright, P. J., Tokunaga, R. S., Kraus, A., & Klann, E. (2017). Pornography consumption and satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Human Communication Research, 43(3), 315-343. https://doi.org/10.1111/hcre.12108
[8] Rothman, E. (2021). Pornography and intimate partnerships. In E. Rothman (Ed.), Pornography and Public Health (pp. 133-156). Oxford University Press. https://doi.org/10.1093/oso/9780190075477.003.0007
[9] Maddox, A. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2011). Viewing sexually-explicit materials alone or together: Associations with relationship quality. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 40(2), 441-448. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-009-9585-4
[10] Kohut, T., Fisher, W. A., & Campbell, L. (2017). Perceived effects of pornography on the couple relationship: Initial findings of open-ended, participant-informed, “bottom-up” research. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(2), 585-602. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-016-0783-6
[11] Love, T., Laier, C., Brand, M., Hatch, L., & Hajela, R. (2015). Neuroscience of internet pornography addiction: A review and update. Behavioral Sciences, 5(3), 388-433. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs5030388
[14] Zillmann, D., & Bryant, J. (2007). Pornography’s impact on sexual satisfaction. Journal of Applied Social Psychology, 18(5), 438-453. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1559-1816.1988.tb00027.x
[13] Vandenbosch, L., & Eggermont, S. (2013). Sexualization of adolescent boys: Media exposure and boys’ internalization of appearance ideals, self-objectification, and body surveillance. Men and Masculinities, 16(3), 283-306. https://doi.org/10.1177/1097184X13477866
[14] Duggan, S. J., & McCreary, D. R. (2004). Body image, eating disorders, and the drive for muscularity in gay and heterosexual men: The influence of media images. Journal of Homosexuality, 47(3-4), 45-58. https://doi.org/10.1300/J082v47n03_03
[15] Peter, J., & Valkenburg, P. M. (2009). Adolescents’ exposure to sexually explicit internet material and sexual satisfaction: A longitudinal study. Human Communication Research, 35(2), 171-194. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1468-2958.2009.01343.x
[16] Vandenbosch, L., & Eggermont, S. (2013). Sexualization of adolescent boys: Media exposure and boys’ internalization of appearance ideals, self-objectification, and body surveillance. Men and Masculinities, 16(3), 283-306. https://doi.org/10.1177/1097184X13477866
[17] Willoughby, Brian & Dover, Carson & Carroll, Jason & Saxey, Matthew. (2023). Pornography diversity: A latent class analysis of pornography users in committed relationships. Computers in Human Behavior. 149. 107961. 10.1016/j.chb.2023.107961.