Emotional affairs (EAs) have become an increasingly common problem in relationships, particularly among men. While often overlooked or dismissed as harmless friendships, these intimate emotional connections can slowly erode the bond between committed partners. Recent psychological research has shed light on why men are susceptible to emotional affairs and how these relationships develop. This article explores the latest findings and offers insights into navigating this complex issue.
Cody and Amber had been married for seven years when Amber began to notice a change in Cody’s behavior. He seemed distant, often lost in thought, and would spend hours on his phone texting or chatting online. Amber initially brushed it off, attributing it to work stress, but a nagging feeling in her gut told her something wasn’t right.
The prevalence of emotional affairs
Studies reveal that emotional infidelity is more widespread than many realize. According to a survey conducted by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), approximately 45% of men have reported being involved in an emotional affair at some point.1 Interestingly, while men tend to downplay the significance of these relationships, 88% of women consider emotional unfaithfulness to be a greater concern than physical infidelity.
The workplace: a breeding ground for emotional affairs
The majority of emotional affairs begin in the workplace, with over 60% of cases stemming from close interactions with colleagues.3 Men are particularly vulnerable in these settings, as they may not recognize the warning signs of inappropriate emotional intimacy. A study found that 68% of married men who engaged in emotional affairs never anticipated it could happen to them.4
One evening, Amber stumbled upon a string of intimate messages between Cody and his co-worker, Samantha. The messages revealed a deep emotional connection, with Cody confiding in Samantha about his personal struggles and sharing inside jokes. Amber was devastated. While there was no evidence of a physical affair, the emotional betrayal cut just as deep.
Confronting Cody was one of the hardest things Amber had ever done. Cody initially denied any wrongdoing, insisting that he and Samantha were just friends. However, as Amber pressed further, Cody broke down and admitted that he had developed feelings for Sam. He explained that their relationship had started innocently but had gradually evolved into something more intimate.
The role of validation and emotional support
One of the primary reasons men become entangled in emotional affairs is the validation and emotional support they receive from their co-worker. As the relationship deepens, men may begin to rely on this person for approval and understanding, leading to a subtle but steady erosion of boundaries.5 This emotional slide often happens incrementally, catching men off guard.
Amber was heartbroken and angry, but deep down, she still loved Cody and wanted to save their marriage. They agreed to seek the help of a couples therapist who specialized in infidelity. Through therapy, Cody began to understand the reasons behind his emotional affair. He had been feeling unappreciated and disconnected from Amber, and Samantha had provided the validation and understanding he craved.
Debunking the myth of the unhappy marriage
Contrary to popular belief, a lack of relationship satisfaction is not always the driving force behind emotional affairs. Research indicates that 34% of women and 56% of men who engaged in EAs described themselves as happy or very happy in their primary relationship.6,7 This suggests that factors beyond marital contentment, such as personal identity and maturity, may play a significant role.
The allure of novelty and escape
Renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel notes that people often fall in love with the person they become when engaging in an affair.8 The excitement and validation experienced in these new connections can be intoxicating, providing a temporary escape from the routines and responsibilities of daily life. This sense of novelty and renewed vitality can be a powerful draw for men.
Practical tips for preventing and addressing emotional affairs
- Establish clear boundaries with colleagues and friends, ensuring that emotional intimacy remains within appropriate limits.
- Regularly invest time and energy into nurturing the emotional connection with your primary partner, creating space for open communication and shared experiences.
- If you find yourself drawn to someone else emotionally, take a step back and honestly assess your feelings and motivations. Consider seeking the guidance of a therapist or counselor.
- If an emotional affair has already developed, approach the situation with compassion and a willingness to work through the underlying issues together with your partner.
The therapist helped Cody and Amber work on rebuilding trust and strengthening their emotional bond. Cody cut off all contact with Samantha and committed to being fully transparent with Amber. They started scheduling regular date nights and made an effort to have meaningful conversations every day.
Slowly but surely, Cody and Amber began to heal. They learned to communicate their needs and vulnerabilities more effectively, and they rediscovered the love and intimacy that had initially brought them together. While the pain of the emotional affair would always be a part of their story, they emerged from the experience stronger and more committed to each other than ever before.
Years later, Cody and Amber often reflect on that challenging period in their marriage. They credit their willingness to seek help and their determination to work through the issues together as the key factors in their recovery. They now make a point of sharing their story with other couples, offering hope and guidance to those facing similar struggles.
Summary
Emotional affairs pose a significant threat to the well-being of relationships, particularly among men who may not fully grasp the consequences of these intimate connections. By understanding the psychological factors that contribute to the development of EAs, couples can take proactive steps to safeguard their bond and navigate any challenges that arise. Open communication, clear boundaries, and a commitment to nurturing the primary relationship are key to preventing and overcoming the pitfalls of emotional infidelity.
Footnotes
- Glass, S. P., & Staeheli, J. C. (2004). Not “just friends”: Rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity. New York: Free Press.
- Lang, S. (2022). Bustle. Degrees of Cheating: Is Physical or Emotional Cheating Worse (We’re Looking at You Adam Levine) https://capsulenz.com/be/physical-vs-cheating-whats-worse/
- Labrecque, L. T., & Whisman, M. A. (2017). Attitudes toward and prevalence of extramarital sex and descriptions of extramarital partners in the 21st century. Journal of Family Psychology, 31(7), 952-957. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000280
- Fincham, F. D., & May, R. W. (2017). Infidelity in romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 70-74. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.008
- Selterman, D., Garcia, J. R., & Tsapelas, I. (2019). Motivations for extradyadic infidelity revisited. The Journal of Sex Research, 56(3), 273-286. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2017.1393494
- Barta, W. D., & Kiene, S. M. (2005). Motivations for infidelity in heterosexual dating couples: The roles of gender, personality differences, and sociosexual orientation. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 22(3), 339-360. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407505052440
- Blow, A. J., & Hartnett, K. (2005). Infidelity in committed relationships I: A methodological review. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 31(2), 183-216. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2005.tb01555.x
- Perel, E. (2017). The state of affairs: Rethinking infidelity. New York, NY: HarperCollins.
Originally posted on 1/5/2017
My husband has been fond of a former coworker that he stays in touch with. She has sent him selfies of herself and I’m sure he has done the same. They have met for drinks which I called him out on. To my dismay, he secretly got her a job where He was working. Their property management company was replaced by another. So now they are both out of jobs although my husband is doing side work and is collecting social security. He’ll be 65 in May and she is 43 with two kids in their 20s and still lives at home with her. I found out recently he took her out on our boat out in the ocean where no one could see them. He had his shirt off as his upper body has a lot of color. Again, I called him out on it. He keeps claiming they are friends. I gave him a choice that if he wants to be with her, that’s fine but we will go our separate ways. Told him his behavior is unacceptable for a married man. Unfortunately I have lost all trust and lost respect for him. I take it one day at a time trying to understand how this all started.
Lossing your partner’s trust and respect is a high price to pay for an affair of any kind. Good for you for having clear boundaries and knowing your limits, Diane. -Dr. K
We have been married for what would be 14 years.
I started work at a new job June last year,I started working with a female who I got on with due to the fact she reminded me of my step daughters zest for life.
I thought at first she was a nice person.
After a while I found myself getting closer to this person.
Phone calls and messages behind my wife's back.
It came to light on the verge of losing my dad when this person who I now have no contact with put on social media stay strong hun love you.
My wife rang this person and she told my wife I (andy) had rung her more than she had rung me.
My wife has now told me that we will be getting divorced and going our separate ways because of what I done.
My wife asked me WHY I had been deceitful and lied to her also if this person was just a friend why did I keep it quite.
I told my wife it was an ego thing that this person who is 17 years younger with three young children 32 I am 51.
Since telling my wife it was an ego thing that is when my wife has finally told me we will part and get divorced.
The messages I sent to the other person I deleted so that there was no contact.
Which I now know was wrong but there was on the other side if I hadn't deleted them what difference would it have made none I think.
If you desire, you can talk to your wife about how much you want to save your marriage with her. People make mistakes. You made a mistake. That is human, Andy. Tell her what you mean to her. Make an all-out effort to demonstrate your investment in your marriage. It may not make a difference to your wife, but then again, you would have known that you put your all into it. -Dr. K
I have been married for 21 years to an emotionally immature husband. Throughout the years he always felt sorry and I always forgave him. Now, we left our country to follow his career to a country where they do not speak English but most the staff at his work speaks English. Since April 2020 he started changing in his ways, very quiet, sometimes just lying on the couch with his eyes closed. I could feel this old familiar feeling of the presence of someone else in my life as his phone were never left out of reach and messaging at night and weekends were many! When I asked he would always say that it is work problems and when he received phone calls, many of them were taken outside out of reach. I was totally ignored when it came to physical attention and he had the audacity to take his morning pleasures when he needed. We had many arguments about how he changed and it was blamed on work and how difficult it is to understand some language barriers. When we went back to our own country to sort our visa’s out, he had home office and his 2IC that he dealt with daily is a married, very pretty female and the door was always closed. I felt really isolated but had family to visit which kept my mind of things and I did not tell a soul about our problems and my fears. When we returned to our foreign new life, the messages and calls continued as well as the phone hogging. I could not even go to the bathroom without him quickly grabbing his phone. One night I had enough and took the phone from his hands and even though he objected I said that I will smash his phone he must let me read their messages. He stood behind me and said I shouldn’t as it will anger me and I just ignored him. It was a nine month message to and fro story as clear as daylight and I felt devastated. I realized that I had been living with a liar and stranger that is totally in love. The obvious thing was I was going back to my country but he begged and pleaded, cried and made promises again. It is a roller coaster marriage as he is still either with me or drifts off for periods of time in his fantasies and she is the reason. I am tired, I feel so old and ugly and hopeless. Their team building events drives me insane with feelings of jealousy and that I hope she takes another job etc. like an insane person. I have not won the battle yet but am still fighting because of my moral standards and the hope that he will grow out of this phase. I think I am so stupid but I am 63 and where should I go?
People have to want to change. The situation you describe is both chronic and devastating. Get a therapist and discuss your options.
Does it count as an emotional affair if you are in the process of divorcing your husband and your emotional partner is separated from his wife?
I have been physically and emotionally involved with a man for over 35 yrs. My spouse is deceased and his is still alive. We no longer are sexually involved due to health reasonsbut we still have a very strong emotional attachment. And we both constantly profess our love for each other. We are still best friends. Is this possible? I will always love this man and he says the same to me
I truly feel sorry for you. I feel even sorrier for his spouse, there is no excuse. It’s a blatant disregard for another person‘s feelings and you’re blatantly cheating that other person out of the true happiness and the ability to make their own decisions about the relationship play deceitfully hiding this affair. I don’t know how you feel good about yourselves… is it fun being the other woman? I wouldn’t think so. He can tell you he loves you more than her, he can tell you anyway he wants to. But is he leaving his wife? No. So the emotions truly are with you, the ego is. I’ve gone through this with my husband and I think it’s despicable and I would never do this to anyone because I believe in truth and honesty. Your emotional affairs are because you’re lacking something within yourself in your own self-esteem. You should seek individual therapy not people. When someone tells you they’re married, it’s not open game. If you had any respect respect for yourself and the covenant of marriage. Which I Wesley you don’t. Thank goodness your poor husband is he isn’t here to witness this. Get emotionally connected with yourself! And tell this other person the truth so she can decide for herself what she wants out of life not being controlled by a fake faithful husband. an emotional affair is just that an affair. By weak people, you should reach a point in your life where you’re comfortable and happy with yourself and not need the high school thrill or someone stroking your ego. Oh you’re brave to post but a coward to carry on like this. 35 years? Do you respect anything, do you have any faith is anything sacred morals? Apparently not. Both of you deserve each other and his wife deserves better