Here are the five qualities to look for in a marriage counselor:

  1. Well-trained in marriage counseling
  2. Conducting 1 hour 20-minute Sessions
  3. Works for you, not your insurance company
  4.  Seeing mostly couples (50% and up)
  5. A “take charge personality.”

In a decade, a marriage counselor will be like a doctor or dentist today.

Hi, I’m Dr. Kathy McMahon, and I’ve trained marriage counselors for the past 30 years.  Marriage counselor qualities are the concrete issues to look for before picking your professional.  Don’t take anything for granted.

Here are the Five qualities that, in my opinion, are the most important in finding the right marriage counselor.

That’s the reason so many marriages seeking help fail:

People pick a generalist and not a specialist!

When you do look for these qualities. They are hard to find.

Marriage Counselor Qualities #1: Training in Marriage Counseling.

Pretty obvious, right?  Don’t most counselors have the training to see couples? Absolutely not.  In fact, one well-respected couples therapist suggested that states license couples therapists to improve the quality of services you’ll receive.

Ask:  “Do you have specialized training in marriage counseling? How did you get that? Reading? Coursework? Supervision?”

It is a surprise that many graduate programs in counseling offer students no specific courses in marriage counseling. Even programs specifically devoted to marriage and family therapy may offer as little as a single course on how to be a marriage counselor. And none in sex therapy.

Don’t look for a generalist when working to keep your family together.  Look for a specialist. Don’t look for a generalist who does “a little bit of everything.” When you want help for your family, ask about their experience and training. Couples therapy and marriage counseling are specialized professions like dentists and brain surgeons.  Both work on heads but are hardly interchangeable.

Quality #2: The Marriage Counselor Practices Evidence-based Longer-Treatment Sessions.

Ask: “How long each session will be?”

The evidence is in: Research tells us that effective couples sessions are at least one hour and 20 minutes long. Skilled marriage counselors don’t hold 50-minute sessions unless they’ve worked with a couple for some time and have a specific reason to make a solid clinical judgment to hold a shorter session.

Quality #3: Look for a Marriage Counselor who Sees Marriages!

The reason is simple:

Marriage counseling requires an entirely distinct set of skills from individual psychotherapy. Practice Makes Perfect. Ask directly: “How many couples do you see every week? What percentage of your practice is working with couples?

The answer should exceed 50%.

That’s a simple fact. It’s a different skill set requiring different tools. Passivity isn’t one of them.  You can sit and empathize with an individual for an entire session.  Not great therapy, but you can do it.  Try doing that with a couple, and you’ll not only be ineffective but you’ll be seen as insincere to boot. Therapist:  “I can see how you’d feel that way, Jane.”

If you needed surgery, would you ask: “How many of these operations have you performed in the last year?” Wouldn’t you choose the MD who performed hundreds of them vs one or two?”

John:  “Wait a minute, Doc.  A minute ago, you told me I had a point. Now you say you agree with Jane.  Which is it?”

I can’t tell you the number of couples we see who say: “Our last marriage counselor just sat there and let us fight.”

I tell them: “That was no marriage counselor…“

Quality #4: A Marriage Counselor with Integrity Who Works for You, Not Your Insurance Company.

This is a hard one for most people to hear, but it’s the truth: Your health insurance isn’t going to pay for it.

The code numbers for Relationship Problems (Marriage Counseling) keep changing, but the facts don’t:

Have a Mental Illness?  You’re covered.

Have a terminal marriage?  It’s on your dime.

And if you make a call, and some “All Purpose Therapist” tells you that they’ll take your insurance, ask them directly:

“How can you tell which of us has a mental disorder?”… How do you know, from just talking to me over the telephone? I’ll tell you how:  They’ll say: “Everyone has something!” and they’ll write fabricated notes describing you or your partner’s mental illness and how they are treating it. It becomes part of your permanent medical record. But will what they write, to be honest, make up something to collect your insurance money?

And because insurance will only reimburse for a 50-minute session, instead of the evidence-based 1-hour 20-minute session,…you can see the problem.

We end up with a lot of people feeling they got couples therapy and blaming their marriage when it fails.

Quality #5: Look for Leadership.

A “take charge” personality. A leader. No B.S.

A leader. A strong personality. A specialist, not an “All Purpose Therapist.”

Someone who is going to tell you just how they see things.

Look, marriage is challenging in the best of circumstances. An actual live marriage counselor has their hands full doing the work that they do.

And they are in high demand.

You want someone who can tell you the truth, to tell you what will be required of you to change things around. Not someone who is going to tell you what you want to hear.

Ask yourself:  “If they’d mess with the truth with my health insurance company, what are they willing to do with my marriage?”

What’s your marriage worth to you?

At Couples Therapy Inc., we hire only the most talented Marriage Counselors. We’re changing the face of couples therapy and demanding excellence in this unique subspecialty. Every clinician practices evidence-based treatment and has advanced Gottman Method Couples Therapy training.

We’re PROUD of our team, which has grown from 6 when this piece was first written to over 30 today.

We only see couples in 1 hour 20 minute “evidence-based” treatment, and we don’t lie to or for you.