We’ve all been there – that moment when a loving relationship suddenly feels ice-cold. One partner rolls their eyes, the other responds with a biting comment, and what started as a minor disagreement spirals into something more toxic. This is contempt at work, and it’s the single most destructive force in relationships. While other relationship challenges like criticism or temporary withdrawal can strain our connections, contempt stands apart in its ability to poison the very foundation of love and respect. Understanding this silent relationship killer – how it develops, what it looks like, and most importantly, how to heal from it – could mean the difference between a relationship that thrives and one that quietly falls apart.
Contempt, as defined by Dr. John Gottman, stands out as the most corrosive behavior in a relationship. It encompasses treating others with disrespect, disdain, mockery, name-calling, aggressive humor, and sarcasm. Shockingly, this behavior can manifest even in dating or engaged couples.
Warren TenHouten, a sociologist, observed that contempt arises when anger blends with disgust, creating an incredibly potent psychological compound.
This universal disdain is recognizable through emblematic body language, such as a lopsided sneer and eye-roll.
The Four Horsemen: Elaborating on contempt
John Gottman uses a biblical metaphor called the Four Horsemen to describe marital behaviors. Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling are among them. Contempt is one indication that a marriage is in trouble. On the other hand, happy relationships may involve one or all of the other three horsemen but never contempt.
Arthur Schopenhauer, a 19th-century philosopher, succinctly defined contempt as “the unsullied conviction of the worthlessness of another.”
Predicting relational failure
According to Professor Gottman, contempt is the number one predictor of permanent separation and the strongest predictor of divorce. Signs of contempt—sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling, and hostile humor—indicate couples headed for divorce court.
Witnessing how two individuals deeply in love can shift to speaking about each other disparagingly is baffling. Unresolved anger often morphs into disgust, breeding a cold sense of contempt.
Gottman’s research has starkly correlated contempt in marriage with an alarmingly high rate of relational failure.
Contempt vs. criticism: Understanding the difference
Contempt is distinct from criticism. Criticism blames the partner, while contempt goes deeper. Contempt implies that the partner’s flaw is the reason for the person’s failings.
The contemptuous partner assumes a position of moral, emotional, or intellectual superiority, presenting their spouse as loathsome and irredeemable.
The linguistic element of contempt in relationships
Contempt in marriage often reveals itself through contemptuous language, distinct from typical exasperated criticism. For particular couples, this behavior stems from poor communication habits learned in their family of origin. This contrasts the chronic negative thoughts that someone who feels contempt experiences.
Their limited emotional vocabulary, restricted to words like “pissed” and “angry,” hampers their ability to articulate disappointment or displeasure constructively.
An appropriate marriage counseling intervention for these poorly trained spouses is to have their partner emphasize the contemptuous messages. These harmful words must stop regardless of how the partner feels when they make the statement. Learning to talk to your partner so that they can better listen is the long-term goal.
Dr. Julie Gottman emphasizes how profoundly damaging contempt is. She argues couples should make an ongoing conscious effort to reverse contempt by developing a Culture of Appreciation:
“In our humanity we need loving connection with others for our very survival – after all, biologically, we are pack animals who subsist through belonging to our pack. Contempt severs us from our pack. It leads us to cut ourselves off from others, pull inwards, and end up alone. Giving appreciation is one of the most powerful ways to connect with those around us. After all, we love to hear good things about ourselves and to be seen for the good we do in the world. Appreciation draws us closer to those who appreciate us, and in turn, when we give appreciation, we draw ourselves closer to those we love. It’s caring for ourselves by being loving.” Julie Schwartz Gottman.
The longer time contempt has damaged the relationship, the more urgent it is to act to stop it.
The importance of “Wordsxperiencing” contempt in your relationship
Research emphasizes the significance of an expansive verbal vocabulary in describing emotional states. We encourage couples struggling with contempt to expand their emotional lexicon to articulate nuanced feelings.
Sometimes, words for mild irritation or discontent become unpopular, causing a loss of emotional subtlety.
Contempt in marriage: Impact beyond relationships
Dr. Gottman’s research indicates that contemptuous exchanges correlate with:
- increased rates of illnesses and
- increases in accidents.
The number of times someone was contemptuous during a controlled conversation, the worse this impact became. I tell my clients that an affectionate pet is healthier than a contemptuous spouse after a heart attack.
This is how toxic contempt in marriage is.
The toll of contempt extends beyond emotional strain, affecting individuals’ emotional, psychological, and physical well-being.
Seeking solutions: Addressing contempt in relationships
The idea of fostering a “Culture of Appreciation” initially emerged as an antidote to contempt at the Gottman Institute. However, they recognized the enormous leap in thinking this required in a marriage wrecked by contempt. Recognizing the profound damage contempt inflicts, Dr. Julie Gottman advocates for conscious efforts to reverse contempt through appreciation.
The challenge of addressing contempt
For couples entrenched in contempt, embracing a “Culture of Appreciation” might seem unattainable. While the concept serves as an antidote, its practical application requires clarity and specificity.
Different therapeutic models offer varied approaches, requiring therapists to provide practical skills for partners to express thoughts and feelings without falling into contemptuous behavior.
Contempt in marriage: Philosophical differences in approach
The Gottman Method and emotionally focused therapy (EFT) diverge in their emphasis on addressing contempt. While one focuses on cognitive approaches and self-interest, the other delves into emotional correction and attachment injuries.
Exploring the root cause of contempt
EFT is more lenient with expressions of contempt in couples therapy. They look to uncover the underlying feelings of profound loneliness, frustration, and disappointment that lurk beneath. They see these “softer” feelings lying underneath superficial, angry contempt. These softer feelings would be what they would want to be brought to the surface and discussed.
EFT training encourages the contemptuous partner to describe the vulnerable, pain-laden thoughts and feelings that feed their contemptuous stance. Emotionally-focused therapy aims to uncover these underlying feelings, striving for transformative experiences that foster empathy and connection. Tender feelings replace contemptuous ones.
The journey beyond contempt: Healing relationships
Healing from contempt necessitates connection and repair. Through therapeutic interventions and a strengthened therapist-client relationship, couples can transition from contempt to appreciation, finding satisfaction in empathic connections.
A more straightforward step to begin this transformation is during date night. There is less tension, and the couple can also practice expressing Gottman’s Fondness and Admiration.
Navigating the path to healing
Regardless of the therapeutic approach chosen, couples burdened by contempt must embark on the journey toward healing. Taking the first steps is vital to fixing the damage caused by contempt and restoring closeness in a relationship.
Closing thoughts
The path beyond contempt isn’t easy, but worth every step. I’ve seen couples transform their relationships from battlegrounds of eye-rolls and harsh words into genuine appreciation and understanding spaces. It starts with small changes: catching yourself before that sarcastic comment slips out, choosing curiosity over judgment when your partner irritates you, or simply pausing to remember what drew you together in the first place. Whether through counseling, intentional date nights, or daily moments of kindness, healing is possible.
The key isn’t avoiding all conflict – that’s unrealistic. Instead, it’s about approaching disagreements with respect and remembering that underneath the anger or frustration, we’re all seeking the same thing: to be seen, understood, and valued by the person we love. When couples commit to this understanding, even the deepest wounds of contempt can heal, making way for something stronger and more authentic than before.
References
TenHouten, W. (2024). From Ressentiment to Resentment as a Tertiary Emotion. Review of European Studies. 10. 49-49. 10.5539/res.v10n4p49.
Being married to a narcissist with ADHD is impossible. Constantly being emotionally abused. Social services showed up on my doorstep one day. I wondered why. Police x 2 met with me. What! 3 people not known to other reported this to social services.while in a safe house. The Sheriff of Watauga County helped me. Yes I know “in the brain” but not in the heart. No way to go. No room in the women’s shelter. Social worker ran out of resources. I called the police to document one of many events several days ago. The information in the article is very important. It seems beyond resolution. Sorry for the reality. Ironically writing helps.
Good day! Your statement above hit the nail on the head about my contemptuous ways: "This is contempt expressed as a default style of conveying irritation.
For these couples, their contemptuous behavior is less a matter of criticism which has escalated, and more a result of poor communication habits acquired in the family of origin.
When I have worked with these couples, I often found that they grew up in a family with a very impoverished emotional vocabulary.
They would go from 0 to 60 because “pissed” and “angry” were the only words they had to describe their disappointment and displeasure with their partner."
My wife shared this article with me and I express love to her through gifts and not my own being.
Being married to a narcissist with ADHD is impossible. Constantly being emotionally abused. Social services showed up on my doorstep one day. I wondered why. Police x 2 met with me. What! 3 people not known to other reported this to social services.while in a safe house. The Sheriff of Watauga County helped me. Yes I know “in the brain” but not in the heart. No way to go. No room in the women’s shelter. Social worker ran out of resources. I called the police to document one of many events several days ago. The information in the article is very important. It seems beyond resolution. Sorry for the reality. Ironically writing helps.