Dear Dr. K,
My husband constantly makes comments about my appearance but I’m so tired from having a newborn. He also calls me a whore or stupid and he thinks it’s okay because that’s how he feels but it’s all the time that he makes me feel ugly, disgusting, and unwanted. How do I fix that?
Exhausted and Belittled New Mom
Dear Exhausted and Belittled New Mom,
What you’re describing isn’t a communication problem or a rough patch – it’s abuse, plain and simple. Let me be crystal clear: You’ve just had a baby. You should be supported, cherished, and given time to heal. Instead, he’s chosen this vulnerable moment to escalate his psychological and emotional terrorism. And it is working: You feel terrible about yourself. Just horrible.
The first thing you need to know is that help is available right now:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800.799.7233 (SAFE)
Or visit https://www.thehotline.org/ (they have a “quick escape” button if you need to close the page fast)
I know you asked how to “fix” this. But here’s the harsh truth: You can’t fix his choice to abuse you. What you can do is protect yourself and your baby. If you’re not in immediate physical danger, start taking these steps:
- Document everything. Keep a private log of his verbal abuse – dates, times, what he said. If you can safely record it, do so. Email the recordings to a secure account he can’t access. But don’t assume that evidence alone will protect you. This type of abuse is seldom taken as seriously as it should be.
- Start putting aside essential documents: birth certificates, Social Security cards, insurance information, and bank statements. Yes, really. Just do it. Keep them somewhere safe, ideally outside your home, with someone you trust.
- Build your support network quietly. Reach out to friends or family you trust completely. If you have no one like that in your life right now, join groups for new mothers. You’ll need people who can help without alerting him.
Let’s talk about why this is so serious. He’s calling you a “whore” and “stupid” while you’re caring for his newborn child. This isn’t about his “feelings” – it’s about control. Notice how he manages to control himself with his boss, coworkers, or the police? He chooses when and where to abuse. That proves he can control his behavior. He’s choosing not to with you.
He’s insulting your appearance, your battle scars earned honestly in the dramatic task of pregnancy and delivery. Instead of honoring it, he’s acting like it never happened.
The timing isn’t accidental. Abusers often escalate during pregnancy and after childbirth because they know you’re physically and emotionally vulnerable. You’re tired, you’re healing, and you’re focused on the baby. He’s counting on that exhaustion to keep you from fighting back.
Here’s what you deserve instead: A partner who…
- Makes sure you get enough rest
- Takes pride in your strength in delivering and nurturing your child
- Shares fully in the childcare, cooking, and housework
- Protects your recovery time
- Expresses gratitude for your incredible work growing and delivering their child
Your baby needs a mother who isn’t walking on eggshells (or, more accurately, land mines), constantly bracing for the next insult. He’s attacking one of the most vitally important people in your infant’s life: their mother.
Research shows that verbal abuse of a mother seriously impacts infant development. Babies are exquisitely tuned to their mother’s emotional state. When you’re constantly stressed by abuse, your baby feels it, too. Their stress levels rise to toxic levels just like yours do.
If confronting him feels safe, do it once – clearly and firmly. But watch his response carefully.
- Does he make excuses? (“You got me mad!”)
- Blame you? Mock you?
- Promise to change but with no concrete steps?
These responses are themselves abuse and a definite sign that the behavior will continue or escalate.
If you don’t feel safe confronting him, trust that instinct. Instead, call the hotline above. They can help you develop a safety plan, connect you with local resources, and support you in protecting yourself and your baby.
You didn’t cause this. You can’t control or fix his choices. But you can choose to protect yourself and your child from this poison. You’re stronger than you know right now, and help is available the moment you’re ready to reach for it.
Take care of yourself. You and your baby deserve so much better than this.
Dr. K
