Contempt in Marriage: The Worst of the Four Horsemen

Contempt, as defined by Dr. John Gottman, stands out as the most corrosive behavior in a relationship. It encompasses treating others with disrespect, disdain, mockery, name-calling, aggressive humor, and sarcasm. Shockingly, this behavior can manifest even in dating or engaged couples.

Warren TenHouten, a sociologist, observed that contempt arises when anger blends with disgust, creating an incredibly potent psychological compound.

This universal disdain is recognizable through emblematic body language, such as a lopsided sneer and eye-roll.

The Four Horsemen: Elaborating on Contempt

John Gottman uses a biblical metaphor called the Four Horsemen to describe marital behaviors. Contempt is one of these behaviors, along with Criticism, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. When a marriage is in trouble, contempt is one indication . Happy relationships, on the other hand, may involve other the other three horsemen, but never contempt.

Arthur Schopenhauer, a 19th-century philosopher, succinctly defined contempt as "the unsullied conviction of the worthlessness of another."

Predicting Relational Failure

According to Professor Gottman, contempt is the number one predictor of permanent separation and the strongest predictor of divorce. Signs of contempt—sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling, and hostile humor—are indicative of couples headed for divorce court.

Witnessing how two individuals deeply in love can shift to speaking about each other disparagingly is baffling. Unresolved anger often morphs into disgust, breeding a cold sense of contempt.

Gottman's research has starkly correlated contempt in marriage with an alarmingly high rate of relational failure.

Contempt vs. Criticism: Understanding the Difference

Contempt is distinct from criticism. Criticism blames the partner, while contempt goes deeper. Contempt implies that the partner's flaw is the reason for the person's failings.

The contemptuous partner assumes a position of moral, emotional, or intellectual superiority, presenting their spouse as loathsome and irredeemable.

The Linguistic Element of Contempt in Relationships

Contempt in marriage often reveals itself through contemptuous language, distinct from typical exasperated criticism. For certain couples, this behavior stems from poor communication habits learned in their family of origin. This is in contrast to the chronic negative thoughts that someone who feels contempt experiences.

Their limited emotional vocabulary, restricted to words like "pissed" and "angry," hampers their ability to articulate disappointment or displeasure constructively.

An appropriate marriage counseling intervention for these poorly trained spouses is to have their partner emphasize the contemptuous messages. Regardless how the partner feels when they make the statement, these harmful words must stop. Learning to talk to your partner so that they are better able to listen is the goal long term.

Dr. Julie Gottman emphasizes how profoundly damaging contempt is. She argues couples should make an ongoing conscious effort to reverse contempt by developing a Culture of Appreciation:

“In our humanity we need loving connection with others for our very survival – after all, biologically, we are pack animals who subsist through belonging to our pack. Contempt severs us from our pack. It leads us to cut ourselves off from others, pull inwards, and end up alone.
Giving appreciation is one of the most powerful ways to connect with those around us. After all, we love to hear good things about ourselves and to be seen for the good we do in the world.
Appreciation draws us closer to those who appreciate us, and in turn, when we give appreciation, we draw ourselves closer to those we love. It’s caring for ourselves by being loving.” Julie Schwartz Gottman.

The longer time contempt has damaged the relationship, the more urgent it is to act to stop it.

The Importance of Words

experiencing contempt in your relationship

Research emphasizes the significance of an expansive verbal vocabulary in describing emotional states. We encourage couples struggling with contempt to expand their emotional lexicon in order to articulate nuanced feelings.

Sometimes, words for mild irritation or discontent become unpopular, causing a loss of emotional subtlety.

Contempt in Marriage: Impact Beyond Relationships

Dr. Gottman's research indicates that contemptuous exchanges correlate with:

  • increased rates of illnesses and
  • increases in accidents.

In fact, the number of times someone was contemptuous during a controlled conversation, the worse this impact became. I tell my clients that an affectionate pet is healthier than a contemptuous spouse after a heart attack.

This is how toxic contempt in marriage is.

The toll of contempt extends beyond emotional strain, affecting individuals' emotional, psychological, and physical well-being.

Seeking Solutions: Addressing Contempt in Relationships

The idea of fostering a "Culture of Appreciation" initially emerged as an antidote to contempt in the Gottman Institute. However, they recognized the large leap in thinking this required in a marriage wrecked by contempt. Recognizing the profound damage contempt inflicts, Dr. Julie Gottman advocates for conscious efforts to reverse contempt through appreciation.

The Challenge of Addressing Contempt

For couples entrenched in contempt, embracing a "Culture of Appreciation" might seem unattainable. While the concept serves as an antidote, its practical application requires clarity and specificity.

Different therapeutic models offer varied approaches, requiring therapists to provide practical skills for partners to express thoughts and feelings without falling into contemptuous behavior.

Contempt in Marriage: Philosophical Differences in Approach

The Gottman Method and Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT) diverge in their emphasis on addressing contempt. While one focuses on cognitive approaches and self-interest, the other delves into emotional correction and attachment injuries.

Exploring the Root Cause of Contempt

EFT is more lenient with expressions of contempt in couples therapy. They look to uncover the underlying feelings of profound loneliness, frustration, and disappointment lurk beneath. They see these "softer" feeling laying underneath superficial angry contempt. These softer feelings would be what they would want brought to the surface and discussed.

EFT training encourages the contemptuous partner to describe the vulnerable pain-laden thoughts and feelings that feed their contemptuous stance. Emotionally-Focused Therapy aims to uncover these underlying feelings, striving for transformative experiences that foster empathy and connection. Tender feelings replace contemptuous ones.

The Journey Beyond Contempt: Healing Relationships

Healing from contempt necessitates connection and repair. Through therapeutic interventions and a strengthened therapist-client relationship, couples can transition from contempt to appreciation, finding satisfaction in empathic connections.

An easier step to begin this transformation is during date night. Not only is there less tension, but the couple can also practice expressing Gottman's Fondness and Admiration.

Navigating the Path to Healing

Regardless of the therapeutic approach chosen, couples burdened by contempt must embark on the journey toward healing. Taking the first steps is important to fix the damage caused by contempt and bring back closeness in a relationship.

Ready for a change in your relationship?

It starts with a no-obligation 15 minute phone call with our client services team.

Dr. Kathy McMahon


Dr. Kathy McMahon (Dr. K) is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist. She is also the founder and president of Couples Therapy Inc. Dr. K feels passionate about couples therapy and sex therapy and holds a deep respect towards those who invest in making their relationship better. She is currently conducting online and in person private couples retreats.

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  1. Being married to a narcissist with ADHD is impossible. Constantly being emotionally abused. Social services showed up on my doorstep one day. I wondered why. Police x 2 met with me. What! 3 people not known to other reported this to social services.while in a safe house. The Sheriff of Watauga County helped me. Yes I know “in the brain” but not in the heart. No way to go. No room in the women’s shelter. Social worker ran out of resources. I called the police to document one of many events several days ago. The information in the article is very important. It seems beyond resolution. Sorry for the reality. Ironically writing helps.

  2. Good day! Your statement above hit the nail on the head about my contemptuous ways: "This is contempt expressed as a default style of conveying irritation.

    For these couples, their contemptuous behavior is less a matter of criticism which has escalated, and more a result of poor communication habits acquired in the family of origin.

    When I have worked with these couples, I often found that they grew up in a family with a very impoverished emotional vocabulary.

    They would go from 0 to 60 because “pissed” and “angry” were the only words they had to describe their disappointment and displeasure with their partner."

    My wife shared this article with me and I express love to her through gifts and not my own being.

    1. Being married to a narcissist with ADHD is impossible. Constantly being emotionally abused. Social services showed up on my doorstep one day. I wondered why. Police x 2 met with me. What! 3 people not known to other reported this to social services.while in a safe house. The Sheriff of Watauga County helped me. Yes I know “in the brain” but not in the heart. No way to go. No room in the women’s shelter. Social worker ran out of resources. I called the police to document one of many events several days ago. The information in the article is very important. It seems beyond resolution. Sorry for the reality. Ironically writing helps.

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