Dear Dr. K,
We’ve been married 31 years this April. I thought when we became empty nesters things would be easier – joke’s on me. ‘Easy’ isn’t even a word we use anymore, unless it’s meant as an insult. I feel like the sound of my voice aggravates him. I’ve shown him the looks he gives me when I say his name – I even took pictures of these looks. He doesn’t want to see or hear about anything mean or angry he’s done. He says it’s my fault – that whenever I open my mouth, I’m complaining, and he’s sick of it. Then he storms off to his garage (his private space that only he has a key to). Meanwhile, I have no private space – he can follow me into any room I go to.
I bought a new outfit for his work party, hoping he’d notice. At the party, he complimented other women on their appearance but said nothing to me. When I asked him about this on the drive home, he yelled, ‘I haven’t even looked at you long enough to notice!’ We rode together for an hour and a half and got ready in the same house. I cry when my feelings are hurt (menopause), which makes him angrier, telling me to stop crying and asking why I cry all the time.
He defends everyone else against me. Once, I made a private comment to him about our landlord’s hair (she likes my husband), and he got upset with me and defended her. I’m not allowed in his garage alone, which makes me wonder if he’s hiding something like a second phone. When I ask, he says I’m crazy and that I take things the wrong way. His words, expressions, and actions chip away at my heart, but he says I need to work that out myself.
Today when I needed something from the garage, he insisted on getting it himself. When I questioned this, he exploded, saying ‘Welcome home, let the games begin!’ I feel like my feelings don’t matter, and he responds by saying ‘not everything is about you.’ I know that, but when my feelings are getting hurt daily, I have to speak up – this isn’t a healthy way to live. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage. Please help!
Invisible in Plain Sight
Dear Invisible in Plain Sight,
You love your husband. You want to save your marriage. That makes perfect sense after 31 years together. But right now, trying to fix things by yourself is like trying to clap with one hand – it won’t work.
Here’s the hard truth: When someone yells at you for crying, or tells you you’re crazy for having normal feelings, or makes you feel bad every day – that’s abuse. Not a rough patch. Not a communication problem. Not a relationship problem. Abuse.
I hear so much pain in your letter so let’s get straight to the truth:
- Your husband has a private space (the garage) but can follow you everywhere
- He tells you you’re “crazy” when you ask normal questions
- He gets angry when you cry or show hurt feelings
- He puts you down while praising other women
- He blames you for his mean behavior
That look on his face? That’s contempt. Gottman calls contempt “throwing acid on love.” That’s how toxic it is. A one-sided smirk, an eye roll. We only see this in couples who are very troubled.
Think of abuse like this: If someone keeps stepping on your foot, the problem isn’t that your foot hurts. The problem is that they won’t stop stepping on it. Your husband is stepping on your heart, then telling you that you’re wrong for saying “ouch.”
When someone says you’re “too sensitive,” that’s like saying you’re wrong for feeling pain. It’s not true. Your feelings are like warning lights on a car dashboard – they tell you when something’s wrong. And something is very wrong here.
Healthy love doesn’t hurt you then blame you for the pain. Good partners care when they’ve hurt your feelings. They don’t get angry at you for crying or having feelings.
Here’s something important: You can’t fix this by being “better.” Gottman found that healthy wives “complain.” They notice that something isn’t right about their marriage, and they try to fix it. How you complain matters, and you can learn to complain more effectively. But it’s a joint effort. He has to honor you enough to realize that your complaints are valid and be willing to accept your influence. Listen to what you say and try to adjust to make you happy. But his displays of contempt tell me that he believes he’s better than you are, that you don’t count. He considers your feelings not worth the effort of dealing with.
You have to name what’s wrong to fix it.
If someone keeps slashing your car tires, the answer isn’t to buy better tires. The answer is to deal with the person doing the slashing. Your husband knows he’s hurting you – you’ve shown him pictures, you’ve cried, you’ve explained. He doesn’t want to understand. He wants to keep doing what he’s doing.
What can you do?
- Write down what happens – keep a record.
When bad things happen every day, it’s easy to start doubting yourself. “Am I remembering this wrong? Was it really that bad? Am I too sensitive?”Write things down FOR YOURSELF. Write down what happened and how it made you feel. This isn’t about proving anything to anyone. It’s about keeping yourself sane. When someone tells you you’re crazy or too sensitive, they’re messing with your memory. Writing helps you hold onto what’s real. It helps you see patterns. It helps you trust yourself.Keep your writing private and safe. This is just for you – to help you see clearly when he tries to make things foggy. When he says, “I never said that,” or “You’re imagining things,” you’ll know what really happened.
- If you have children, know what is considered child abuse when you fight.
In the US legal system, witnessing domestic violence between parents or caregivers is considered a form of child abuse, specifically “emotional abuse” or “psychological maltreatment.” Here’s how each scenario is typically viewed:
- Yelling between adults in front of children: While unhealthy for children, occasional arguing alone typically doesn’t meet the legal threshold for child abuse. However, constant exposure to hostile yelling can qualify as emotional abuse.
- Threats of violence between adults in front of children: This is more serious and is generally considered domestic violence exposure, which is a form of child abuse in most states. When children witness one parent threatening another, it causes psychological trauma.
- Physical violence between adults in front of children: This is definitively considered child abuse through exposure to domestic violence. When children see pushing, hitting, or any physical violence between adults, it’s legally recognized as harmful to their well-being.
And if you think you’ll be considered the “innocent party,” think again. Often it is the mothers who are expected to protect children from other people’s abuse, even if it is their father or step-father. And if you later try to seek sole custody, talking retroactively about his emotional or psychological abuse will be considered “manipulative.” Make a point of talking to “mandated reports” like physicians or counselors about the emotional abuse you are experiencing, ask them to note it, and ask for support.
In addition, consider looking up the Child Welfare Information Gateway (a federal service) for the most current legal definitions. Laws can vary somewhat by state, but exposure to domestic violence is generally recognized as child abuse across the USTalk to a counselor by yourself first.
- Make friends and connections outside your marriage. Tell safe people what’s happening.
Social support is critical when you live in a marriage like you are describing. Connect with people who can understand and not consider you “the problem.”
- Learn about your money options.
If you do not work outside of the home, explore your options. The less dependent you are on your husband, the more opportunities you have to set boundaries and expectations for him and his behavior.
- You’re not crazy for being hurt by hurtful actions.
You know this. You are telling me this. You are strong and capable, but you aren’t a miracle worker. Your husband has to want to change. You asked if it’s true that “people treat you how you make them feel.” Here’s the honest truth: Some people will treat you poorly, no matter how nice you are.
You don’t deserve to live walking on eggshells. Your feelings matter. Your hurt is real. And there are people who can help.
If you have never had physical violence in your relationship (even if it was breaking objects) and you can try calmly and non-violently talk to your husband about his behavior, do so. If you already have and it escalated his aggression, talk to a counselor at the National Domestic Violence Hotline – Text BEGIN to 88788 to start chatting or 800-799-7233.
Talk it out to someone who can hear all of the details you have to share. It’s available 24 hours, and it’s free.
Dr. K
