Conflict-avoidant affairs are a common but often misunderstood type of infidelity that occurs when couples struggle to face their problems directly. At Couples Therapy Inc., we’ve seen how these affairs typically happen in younger marriages where both partners work hard to maintain a perfect image on the outside while avoiding difficult conversations at home. This comprehensive guide explores why conflict-avoidant affairs happen, how to recognize them, and what they reveal about relationship patterns that couples learn from their families.d within relationships.
Understanding Conflict Avoidant Affairs: What You Need to Know
At our therapy practice, we see many couples dealing with affairs. One common type happens when couples try too hard to avoid any conflict in their relationship. Let’s explore why this happens and what it means for relationships.
What Is a Conflict Avoidant Affair?
In these situations, we have two people: the partner who had the affair (the Involved Partner) and the partner who was hurt by it (the Hurt Partner). Either person in the relationship might be the one to have the affair. What makes these couples different is how they handle problems – they don’t. They’re so focused on being nice and keeping peace that they never learn how to handle disagreements in a healthy way.
When Do These Affairs Usually Happen?
We usually see this in younger couples, often in their twenties or thirties. It typically happens within the first twelve years of marriage. These affairs tend to be short and don’t involve deep emotional connections. The interesting part is how the hurt partner reacts – they might show some anger but often try to stay surprisingly calm and reasonable about it.
Why Do These Affairs Happen?
These affairs usually start because of built-up frustration and poor communication. Sometimes, there’s a trigger, like when one partner becomes really focused on being a parent or gets wrapped up in their career. When couples can’t talk about their frustrations openly, these changes can push someone toward an affair.
The Perfect-Looking Couple
From the outside, these couples often look perfect. They’re polite to each other, thoughtful, and never seem to fight. But this perfect image is part of the problem. They’re so focused on looking good that they ignore real issues in their relationship. Even when one partner tries to bring up a problem, the other might brush it off as no big deal. This keeps them stuck in a pattern of avoiding important conversations.
The Hidden Problem
These couples often can’t see how unhappy they really are. They’re trying so hard to be perfect that they push down their true feelings. This usually comes from how they grew up – many learned from their families that keeping peace was more important than being honest about problems. They were taught that being “nice” meant never showing anger or disagreement.
This kind of upbringing makes it hard for couples to handle normal relationship conflicts. Instead of talking about problems, they pretend everything is fine. Over time, this creates distance between partners and can lead to depression, loneliness, and, eventually, affairs.
Understanding How Affairs Work in These Relationships
Looking closely at these affairs, we find they’re not about love or connection. They’re more like a cry for attention or a way to shake things up in the relationship. As therapists, we can see that the real problem isn’t the affair itself – it’s how these couples avoid dealing with problems.
A Pattern That Can Repeat
Sometimes, people who have these kinds of affairs keep repeating the pattern, even in new relationships. They might go through several marriages, having similar affairs each time. If they don’t address the real problem – their fear of conflict – this pattern can turn into something therapists call a “Split-Self Affair pattern.”
The Real Issue
The most important thing to understand is that these affairs aren’t just about cheating. They’re about how some couples simply can’t face problems together. This can be tricky for new therapists to spot because the partner who had the affair often seems very sorry and willing to take all the blame.
How These Affairs Often Come to Light
Interestingly, it’s usually the person who had the affair who reaches out for therapy first. They’ll often take full responsibility and seem genuinely sorry, though sometimes confused about why they did it. What’s really interesting is that many of these couples start therapy, only for the truth about an ongoing affair to come out later.
Why People Want to Get Caught
Here’s something surprising: deep down, the person having an affair often wants to get caught. When they come to therapy, they don’t seem to care much about the person they had an affair with. This shows that the affair wasn’t really about finding love – it was about something else. The reasons behind these affairs are complicated, often tied to what people learned about relationships in their families growing up. Sometimes, these old family lessons affect us in ways we don’t even realize.
Pulling It All Together
Looking at conflict-avoidant affairs helps us understand bigger patterns in relationships. These affairs show how avoiding problems can lead to bigger issues down the road. They’re not just about one partner cheating—they’re about how both partners learned to handle (or not handle) problems in their relationship.
To fix these situations, couples need to:
- Learn that it’s okay to have disagreements
- Practice talking about difficult feelings
- Understand how their family background affects their relationship
- Build new, healthier ways of dealing with problems
The goal isn’t to have a perfect relationship where nobody ever fights. Instead, it’s about building a strong relationship where both partners feel safe bringing up problems and working through them together. When couples learn these skills, they can build more honest and satisfying relationships that don’t need the drama of affairs to shake things up.
Remember, every relationship has problems – that’s normal. What matters is how we deal with those problems. Learning to face challenges together, rather than avoiding them, is what makes relationships stronger in the long run. CopyRetry
Closing thoughts
Understanding conflict-avoidant affairs helps couples recognize that the real issue isn’t just the infidelity – it’s the pattern of avoiding tough conversations that leads to it. When partners learn to talk openly about their problems instead of maintaining a perfect facade, they can build stronger, more honest relationships. With professional help and a commitment to facing challenges together, couples can move past these patterns and develop healthier ways to handle conflicts. The key is learning that real relationship strength comes from working through difficulties together, not pretending they don’t exist.
Originally published March 11, 2017.