Navigating the complexities of leaving a marriage for an affair partner is fraught with challenges that often reverberate long after the initial transition. The allure of a new relationship amid the breakdown of an old one brings forth an array of emotional, social, and logistical hurdles that demand careful consideration. It's imperative to understand the terrain ahead and be prepared for the rocky journey that follows.

Leaving Your Marriage for Your Affair Partner?

Leaving your marriage for your affair partner? First, here's the unwelcome news: More than 75% of marriages that begin as affairs never get to celebrate their 5th wedding anniversary.

And only a fraction (less than 5%) of affair partners ever marry in the first place.

At CTI we only do science-based couples therapy in couples retreats across the USA. Sometimes we find that we are working with a couple who began their relationship as affair partners. We often see these couples as early as 2 years from their wedding date.

Leaving your marriage for your affair partner? Here are 8 predictable issues that you will need to grapple with to increase your odds of success:

1. Trust

If you're leaving your marriage for your affair partner, understand that issues of trust may eventually become front and center. Many people who leave their marriages for their affair partners have made great sacrifices, often enduring shame, resentment, and uncertainty. Issues of trust and integrity are a common theme in conducting couples therapy with now-married former affair partners

2. Exhaustion

Affairs are as exhausting as they are exciting. They burn hot because they often require secrecy. They survive more on what each partner extracts from the relationship rather than what they deposit.

Affair partners exist in an artificial bubble. The affair exists as an antidote to what is seen by the involved partner as a "bad" marriage (which often looks a lot better in hindsight).

3. The artificial bubble

Affairs are fueled by comparison. But once the bubble bursts and the comparison is rendered irrelevant, the new marriage has to stand on its own merits.

4. The children

In the heat of passion, our kids often get overlooked. And new research tells us that adult children of divorce suffer greatly as well. There's a lot of psycho-babble blather (some embarrassingly from divorced all-purpose therapists) about how we're all "entitled to be happy", and how "resilient" kids are.

Do all kids suffer from infidelity and divorce? No...not every last one. In fact, Gottman has written that parents who emotionally coach their children minimize the harmful impact of divorce.

But research is clear that most children experience significant emotional struggles and often feel compelled to take sides. Sometimes these parental alliances and alienations are life-long.

Divorce is tough on kids. Your kids deserve healthy, happy parents as role-models, and it is never good for children to witness their parents attacking each other.

Kids can wreak havoc with your new life...probably because you already wreaked havoc with theirs. Discuss all of your post-divorce parental duties early and often

5. The onlookers

Then there's your family, your ex's family, and your friends (who also feel uncomfortable and may take sides... or drop both of you). There's a social cost to divorcing and marrying your affair partner. Often the full weight of this cost isn't fully appreciated until the aftermath.

6. Deficit in shared proud history:

When you're leaving your marriage for your affair partner there will be a deficit in your shared history.

I'm seen a number of these couples squirm with discomfort when discussing how they first met. An affair that broke up a family (or families) might be embarrassing for both spouses to discuss in couples therapy. The sad deficit of not having a happy and unencumbered shared early history only fully emerges over time.

7. The divorce(s)

The national average cost of a divorce is about $30,000 per couple.

This usually includes attorney's fees, court costs, and the cost of hiring outside experts such as a tax consultant, real estate appraiser, or child custody professional.

Finalizing a divorce takes anywhere from four months to a year. And if it goes to trial, it will cost more and take even longer.

8. The costs

Of course, the financial and emotional stress of the divorce inhabits the new marriage. You will typically have to redefine your finances as well as your social and parental bonds.

One partner may feel bitter that they have paid a disproportionate financial and/or emotional price to marry their affair partner.

When newly married affair partners are sitting on my couch, the most common emotional dynamic I see is the bitterness of dashed hopes and thwarted expectations. These couples have been through hell to be together, the resilience has already been worn thin. They do not take surprises well. Conflict with your ex can be absorbing. Once that conflict is resolved, and the dust settles, a pyrrhic victory may feel empty when similar conflicts emerge with your new spouse.

You may have battened down the hatches during your divorce. While divorcing, many of these couples retreat into their own world. They are insulated from the chaos and devastation that surrounds them. After the divorce is history, the now-married affair partners emerge from isolation, fully expecting to rejoin the world of the living.

Rebuilding and Rebounding

However, many couples discover that their social world has been decimated, and they have to rebuild a new social identity.

I don't think couples therapists talk enough about Love Addiction. Serial limerence or Love Addiction is a compulsive, chronic craving, and/or pursuit of romantic attachment in an effort to get our emotional needs met in an epic fashion. It's estimated that at least 10% of affair couples marrying involve a spouse with Love Addiction.

Research suggests that the epidemic of Love Addiction may be due to inconsistent or neglectful parenting, low self-esteem, or an absence of positive role models for marital commitment in the family of origin. Personally, I suspect that our current fascination with polyamory is nothing more than an intellectually vapid apology for Love Addiction.

During the divorce, the soon-to-be ex-partner is a convenient villain. Comparisons may linger, as feelings of being rescued create a compelling narrative. But after several years in the new marriage, it's quite amazing how your rescuer has come to resemble your ex-tormentor. You can divorce your partner... but you can not divorce yourself.

Leaving your marriage for your affair partner is problematic, but not a guarantee of failure.

Frequency of marital failures

The odds are stacked against you. Humbly anticipate setbacks, misunderstandings, boundary violations, you name it. Resolve to stubbornly outlast your problems...and expect to have problems. Some affairs can evolve into durable long-term marriages. But according to research, these happy unions are relatively rare.

But that doesn't mean that you can't be happy. It just means you both may have some work to do. Leaving your marriage for your affair partner impacts and disrupts your entire social web. Be humble and cautious. Go slow... and carefully consider your options.

Reset expectations

Leaving your marriage for your affair partner means that you'll have a lot more to manage. Set expectations and boundaries as early as possible, particularly around the kids and your ex.

Co-parenting continues a relationship with your ex. One of the biggest fears that I hear in my practice, is whether the new partner will return to their ex-spouse. Commitment and trust are two of the biggest challenges for these couples. Good couples therapy can help you get there.

Respect your ex-

Here's why.

People speak very badly about their ex-spouses in couples therapy. And it generates fear in your partner that you will also be disparaged if the relationship ends. This is where that deficit in your shared history comes back to bite you.

One of the ways to increase signs of respect for your ex is to refer to them by their first name in couples therapy.

She may be your ex-wife...or he may be your ex-husband... but you are still co-parenting with a human being with a name. The marriage is over...but the relationship isn't. Respect the need to co-parent by respecting your ex. Model respect for your kids as well as your new partner.

Research shows that during an affair, much of the conversation between the affair partners are about their marital woes. Now that the talk track has run its course. Do you really know how to communicate about mundane wants, needs, and desires? Good couples therapy can teach you how.

Closing

In hindsight, the decision to leave a marriage for an affair partner unveils multifaceted repercussions, impacting personal lives, family dynamics, and social circles. While some couples may defy the odds and carve out successful unions, the road is riddled with complexities. It necessitates introspection, humility, and a proactive approach to navigate the aftermath. As couples seek to rebuild their lives, careful contemplation, effective communication, and respect for all involved parties become pivotal in charting a new, sustainable path forward.

Ready for a change in your relationship?

It starts with a no-obligation 15 minute phone call with our client services team.

Dr. Kathy McMahon


Dr. Kathy McMahon (Dr. K) is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist. She is also the founder and president of Couples Therapy Inc. Dr. K feels passionate about couples therapy and sex therapy and holds a deep respect towards those who invest in making their relationship better. She is currently conducting online and in person private couples retreats.

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  1. I know I’m an exception, but I cheated on my wife, married my affair partner, and I’m so very happy I did. I faced some of the issues you talked about. For instance, when married to my first wife, I had a very comfortable living and was well off financially. As a result of the affair, I lost my job and went broke. To quote a song, “I’d call that a bargain, the best I ever had.”

    Other of your points are completely opposite to my experience. The longer I’m with my 2nd wife, the more I realize the blandness (at best) of the 29 years of marital “love” of my first marriage. I don’t have respect for my ex, the mother of my 3 grown children, and doesn’t want or deserve any from me.

    Sometimes the grass really is greener. Sometimes the affair partner really does provide the cheater with what true marital bliss can be.

  2. Loved reading this article. I’ve never had an affair and never would but I’ve been cheated on and left. I’ve observed friends and acquaintances go down this path and very rarely does it last. Those who do are few and very far between let me tell you. Actually I know 4 or 5 couples but that’s it and even when its lasted the fallout for most of them has been from where I’m sitting not worth the hassle. Many a child, family member or friend has turned against them for the hurt they’ve caused.

    My ex said he’d never been as close to anyone as he had to me as he threw me to the gutter adding he’d live with his regret if he realised later on he’d made a mistake. He’s still in the same relationship after numerous years although the ‘accidental’ pregnancy kind of sealed the deal days into becoming ‘official’. I also think everything for him is about winning so the relationship had to last. It’s just how he is.

    I’ve occasionally though wondered about the reality of their relationship having both left others. I think they are however perfectly entitled to live their lives as they feel they need to. You only get one life but I do feel that in pursuit of your own happiness you shouldn’t trample over others to get there. My ex delighted in rubbing my nose in his ‘happiness’ and declared I was unlovable now or ever as far as he was concerned (I never fired back, not once, but instead acted with grace and dignity throughout).

    In fact if I was ever in a room with them his new wife guarded him like a pit bull with a new bone. They also seemed distant and cold towards each other. But I guess the heart wants what the heart wants ???

    These behaviours and the poison thrown at me at the time did much damage but today I’m stronger than ever and immensely proud of the woman I’ve become and the mountains I’ve climbed. I’ve also never regretted that I was loyal towards him and civilised when I found out about the cheating. That’s who I am. My next relationship along was also not used in retaliation (just a minute whilst I take my halo off … lol).

    But you know if there is any regret, shame or guilt on their part it’s theirs to own and work through … and good luck with that !!

  3. I divorced 6 years ago and with my affair partner. I just moved in with him 6 months ago and we have his kids every other week. My own children refuse to see or speak to me. If I could go back and make different choices I sure would. I was depressed then and I’m depressed now, but I’m fairly hopeless now. I left a life I had made with kids I devoted all my time and energy to. I left them and I didn’t even see it as leaving them u til recently. I’m living a co start nightmare and I can’t wake up.

    Yes I love my affair partner, but this is not the life I made. I’m working so hard to figure out how to live. Counseling is definitely not something I can afford, and I’m too shamed to talk to someone from church. I’m positive my DNA has much to do with this because my entire young adult life was focused on not being my mother and now I’m her. It’s like watching a movie and the character knows the prophecy so you think of course they can make choices to ensure it doesn’t come to pass. But somehow it does and it’s tragic. Utterly tragic. That’s my life…tragic. I’d end it if I had the guts. But I also think that might just be even worse for my kids, so at least I can not do that. On the outside I look perfectly happy. In the inside I’m chained to a torture device and watching it all happen.

  4. This was an interesting article. I left my family some 15 years ago to connect with my first high school sweetheart. Been married 12 years now to her. My adult children do not speak to me and I have two grandchildren, one I have never seen and over a year since I had a FaceTime with the other. I think my children were particularly damaged by this and side with their mother. It does not help that we all live in seperate countries.

    After 10 years together with my new wife (7 years married) I found myself in another affair, which has been ongoing for 3 years, until recently when she left her husband (long term issues) and told me she could not see a future as I had made it clear I would not leave for economic reasons. My wife and I get on quite well, though tensions are arising now. I have also been isolated from friends by all of this

    I made mistakes early on and listened to my new wife's advise on how to reconnect with my children, which is now fostering resentment in me. This was a huge mistake and I now regret some communications with them. I think as long as I am with my wife, they will not reconnect with me.

    So, here I find myself contemplating leaving again. I am even considering starting again with my affair partner who I love very much and with whom we could marry and have children and start all over again.

    I don't know the answer and don't expect one. Maybe I'm just broken inside. My father was a philanderer as was my great grandfather who had two families, in two countries at the same time.

    I am depressed and worried that I will end up with nothing and lonely.

    The article tells it as it is.

    1. Man, Ryan, you are in a great place! You are starting to stare at the “man in the mirror.” Powerful stuff. I’d re-read your comment and notice the language: You didn’t leave your wife,you “left your “family.” So leaving your family, of course, your kids have feelings about it. Then notice the passivity in your speech: “I found myself in another affair.” That ignores the hundreds of decisions you make along the way. “I would not leave for economic reasons.” Again, you are putting the decision onto factors outside yourself. “I made a mistake early on listening to my new wife’s advise…” Again, it sounds like you are taking responsibility, but you also were a victim of “bad advise.” Now you “find yourself contemplating leaving.” It is as if life circumstances are tossing you like a leaf in the wind.

      I am glad you found the article helpful. Get some qualified help so that you can continue to take account of your life and fully own the decisions you have made. It’s not too late to create a different world full of friends, love, and family. But that man in the mirror has to make it happen.

  5. my wife left me for 2 years after she found out I was infected with herpes, I thought my life was over until I came across a post on Facebook that said so many wonderful things about doctor silver, so I contacted him and he assure me that I will be happy again. He cure me of my herpes and cast a love spell that brought back my wife. thank you doctor silver. you can reach him on email: drsilverhealingtemple@gmail.com or Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/Dr-Silver-love-spell-and-herbal-home-103322975897053/.

  6. These articles seem to heap even more shame on affairs than the shame that might actually exist. I have been the affair partner of a married woman for the past 12 years. Unless you are "one with God," most of us would never consider adultery as a moral failing. People make mistakes. They marry the wrong person. They are somehow deceived into believing they have met the forever person in their life. In such cases, who has a moral advantage? In particular, how does a psychologist have any higher moral ground to stand on. Did you read your own article? There is nothing wrong with avoiding conflict between couples. In your own written words, "The more you sacrifice, the more you will expect." Why not have those expectations? Why not have those discussions with that married affir partnet in your life? We talk about it all the time. Your article reads like an advertisement for the broken-hearted.

  7. I love how this article is actually coaching people who cheat how to make their relationship work. 😂 You people are justifying and enabling abuse. Full stop.

  8. The marriage that I had with my wife of 20 years was very good. It's impossible to have a perfect marriage, but it certainly was good, loving, mostly balanced when it came to give-and-take. (I was a little more the "giver" and she a little more the "taker".) However, she fell "madly in love", as they say, for another man, and she chose to divorce me to be with him.

    Their relationship has all the hallmarks of limerence, as described by Dr. Joe Beam and others. This is a case where a good marriage is sacrificed for a questionable relationship.

    Back to my original point… If you are going to call out another professional for their use of absolutes, then you should avoid making the same error. I have respect for Dr. Phil the work that he does and his written works that I've read. I also have respect for you for the work that you do and most of the writing you've done on this site.

    But please, don't make a generalization that simply because a marriage ended in divorce that it was a bad marriage. As a marriage and family therapist (especially one who practices the Gottman Method), I certainly hope that you don't really believe that. People have free will; they can choose to marry, they can choose to have an affair or not (there were times I was infatuated with other women but I resisted temptation out of love for my wife and to honor my beliefs), they can choose to divorce. That doesn't mean the marriage was bad, just because one spouse walks away.

  9. I spent many years with my ex-husband. We were so in love, or so I thought. Our wedding day was one of the happiest days of my life. We were surrounded by so much love and goodness. We struggled with infertility but with IVF, we had twins and it was wonderful. I always wanted lots of kids. He said he did too. It turned out that he only said that to comfort and support me and was counting on our infertility to keep us at two kids. After we went through our infertility treatments and had our beautiful twins, we had two more children naturally. He later shared that he resented me for having them. During my pregnancy with our last child, my husband grew bitter and angry with me. He was so cold and distant. When he spoke to me it was to criticize me. I leaned hard into my faith. I tried to match his cruelty with love and compassion but it only stirred his wrath all the more. He yelled at me, swore at me, flipped tables, threw things "near me, not at me" as he said. I still tried to reach his once loving heart. When I reached for him for love and affection, he would turn away from me and leave me crying. When our baby was born, she was sick with Meningitis. I stayed with her in the hospital for nearly a month. He hardly called and visited twice. He was caring for our other three children, with the help of my parents and friends. Our church delivered meals each night and his brother helped get the kids ready for school. When I brought our baby home, he was still as difficult and unkind as ever. He yelled at me for how I loaded the dishwasher, put knives in the block, did laundry, planted flowers. I kept trying to please him and whatever I did was never enough. I forgot to pay a bill one day and he lost it. He yelled and upset the table. Our kids cried and hid. A few months later, he stood me up on our Anniversary. When he came home, he heated up the food I had made for us and he turned on the TV. I asked him to talk to me. He turned up the volume. I cried. He yelled. He flipped over the table and broke things. He made a huge mess and he left. Our kids were on the stairs, just crying. My father in law showed up with flowers and to wish us a happy anniversary. He was very saddened by the mess he found. He helped me get the kids back to bed. He hugged me while I wept. He tried to talk to my husband, but it didn't help. From then on though, my father in law called each day and talked to all of us and spoke love, kindness and encouragement into each of us. This sweet man died in 2016. Within weeks, my husband went full on mean to the point it was no longer safe to be with him. During that time, our home was undergoing renovations. The crew working in our home witnessed some of the mistreatment. We talked about it a little. The contractor befriended me and my kids. He was in a similar situation in his own marriage but his wife was hurting him and their daughter. It felt good to talk to someone who understood. One day, my husband hurt me so badly. He got so violent with me. I was crying, a mess. I prayed for God to comfort me and to ease my pain. Or to take me home to him, but not if it meant bad things for our children. I just cried so hard. I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was our contractor. He just held me and let me cry. We bonded in that moment. A love grew where nothing was. We were both married at the time. We were both trying to honor our faith and our spouses. We were so drawn to the goodness in one another. We both knew it was wrong, but we couldn't seem to let the other go. Our marriages both failed. I have my kids full time. My affair partner's daughter left with him and neither of them speak to his former spouse for all she put them through. His son is with us half of the time. His son is cold with me, but I understand and accept it. My kids love my partner. I married my partner a year ago. We have a loving marriage with each other. I also carry a lot of guilt. And shame. I cannot forgive myself for failing my ex and our children. I couldn't live with his anger and the pain it caused anymore. That does not excuse my getting involved with a married man. I was selfish. I hate that this is part of my story. I still love my ex. I just couldn't live with him. He was toxic for me and for our children. He has little to do with our kids. My current husband really stepped up to care for my kids. He loves them like their own dad should have. Blending is hard. I love and care for my current husband. He is sweet and steady. He would do anything for me.
    I don't have the depth of love I had for my children's father. I also don't have the devastating lows or the pain of rejection or the abuse. I miss the highs of the love I once had. I miss the depth of affection I had in my heart for my ex. The energy we created when we parted ways coudn't have been more toxic. The energy I have with my current spouse is light and gentle. It is reliable. I will honor my vows to my current husband. I will stand by him come what may. I don't believe I will be unfaithful to him. I feel less sure about his fidelity towards me. I hope I am wrong. Time will tell. I've been supporting all of us through the Pandemic. He is working on building a business. We will see what comes.
    I feel kind of empty inside. I feel like I am not deeply connected to anyone anymore. I go through the motions. I have moments of love. I have moments of pain. I've experienced so much loss. I lost my childhood friend in 2015 to breast cancer. I lost my father in law in 2016 (he was my favorite person) like a father to me. My dad had a stroke and cancer, but recovered. I had to move from the home I had all of my kids in. I went through a very bitter divorce. I lost my pap (my pillar). We put my grandmother in a nursing home and sold their home (the only constant place throughout my life). I lost another dear friend in Dec. 2019. Moved in 2020. Lost several residents at once to Covid (I work in a nursing home) in Nov. 2020. And I just lost my sweet dog a week ago. We lost 4 cousins and two uncles to Covid as well. My heart feels bashed to bits. Yet, I have a good man, good health, a warm home and my kids are well. I don't really have any friends. I devote my time to my faith, family, my job, and my home.
    I don't know how to let the guilt fade. it's always there. There's so much hurt inside of my heart too. A lot of loss. I want to be joyful. I chose joy. Sorrow is like my constant friend, I just hide it and keep on going. I have much to be thankful for. I am so thankful. I think I need to grieve. Mourn. I haven't really allowed myself to do this. I am afraid to fall apart. Maybe I won't be able to be put back together.

    1. Hi Kristen,
      So much stress. So much loss. You are describing the path of an “exit affair” and this is so common with women. And the smoothness of this new marriage to the current roller-coaster highs and lows of your former marriage is also understandable. You had a long time of full-on anxiety with that man, and we can confuse that with the intensity of love. The full “about-face” is so bewildering and its so easy to blame ourselves. Seeking “asylum” in this new man, and the guilt you feel is an intimate conversation you should be having with your current husband. Share your feelings with him. Ask him for his help and support as you deal with it. And also turn to him to grieve, don’t shut him out. Accepting guilt is a task of adult development. Regret. Embarrassment. Grief. Shame. One approach is learning to live with them and accept them until they fade. Recognize that they will fade if you accept your humanity and failings. We all have them.

      We can all appreciate and join with you as you express the many, many losses you’ve had over these last several years. And the biggest gift you can give to your husband is your truth. Seek out friends among your spiritual community. Learn to be friend to someone who voluntarily chooses to be one with you. It’s a way to round out all the grief you’ve described.

      And if these feelings go on and one, seek out a counselor to explore them in greater detail. You’ve done such a good job here. Allow yourself to do it face-to-face and get comfort.

      My best to you.
      Dr. K

  10. I thought this was a well informed article until I got to your comment about Polyamory. How disappointing to see such a prejudiced and uninformed comment. Instead of suspecting things and fabricating reasons why don’t you do some reading? You might find Polyamory is a fully realised model and a natural choice for a lot of people who’ve experienced the abject failure of marriage and monogamy. I’m not n poly myself but I certainly have learned a lot about myself and relationships by looking into it.

  11. 3 months ago, my wife of 10 years deserted our marriage for a secret affair and tried to hide it while pushing for a divorce.

    Every since this event I have lost a great significance of meaning in my life and struggle to reconcile my with my present. The last thing she said to me was that we never had an emotional connection, then left. It burns to this day. She is currently living with him and draining me for military alimony.

    I thought I knew this woman but she has become a totally different person; almost unrecognizable in speech and behavior.

    I feel like trash that was taken out. Like nothing in my marriage was worthy of an honest and amicable ending. I don’t trust myself with women anymore. But I still love her and wish her the best as painful as it feels every waking day.

    1. Cory, it is possible that your wife is in limerence for the other person. Limerence is intense, but not long-lasting. https://www.couplestherapyinc.com/limerence/

      When she said that you and she never had an emotional connection, it may have been her “rewriting history”, because some unfaithful partners in limerence for their affair partner will do this. (They might honestly feel that way at the time, only to remember correctly when the limerence comes to an end, a few months to a few years later.)

      When someone leaves a good marriage for their affair partner, there is a distinct chance that they will later want to restore the marriage with their spouse/ex-spouse.

      According to marriage recovery experts, the best thing that a betrayed spouse can do is to work on themselves, for healing, for self-improvement, and to rebuild their own self-esteem. It’s best for them, may attract their spouse back to them, or prepare them for a good relationship with someone else.

    2. This is a very new relationship and hasn’t run its course. You will get better. I had my husband say the same things to me as he delved into an affair, and he too, became a different person. You will never quite be the same but you will not always feel this way. I’m really sorry, betrayal is a horrendous thing to experience. Allow your self to be in sorrow.

  12. I felt obligated to tell you that your statements about how “meaningless” the feelings of the “third party” to affairs are, and how “no one owes them anything” are dehumanizing to those people, many of whom don’t even know they are involved with a married person and whose lives are often devastated by the affair especially dual deceptions. . Your view on that is very inconsistent with your assertion that such a third party had a duty and responsibility to the spouse to honor and respect vows they never made to anyone.
    If my husband and I don’t have to respect her feelings or care how the affair affects her life, how was she obligated to care about how that relationship affected either of us, our family or our marriage?
    When my husband cheated on me I didn’t blame that poor girl at all.
    He broke his vows. She didn’t know about me, me much less know me.
    He had her just as duped as he had me. She had no idea at all that he was a married man with three children. In fact, I had to tell her.
    And I did feel sorry for her. She met him online under a fake profile and she didn’t even know his real name.
    Unfortunately, he even got her pregnant. My husband and I were 35 and 36 and she was 24. Fortunately for her the courts no longer take your view of her as “human garbage to be thrown in a trash can when he was finished with her” and she gets support for her child who is just as innocent as my three and just as much my husband’s child, and a sibling to my children. I think it’s wrong and sick to take the position that someone doesn’t deserve humanity, respect or compassion because they were involved in an affair. That person is as much of a human being as we are and everyone’s life and feelings matter. She didn’t injure me. My husband injured me. She was as innocent as I was maybe more so because of her youth. I think you should read Ester Perez’s book the State of Affairs and take a more nuanced view that doesn’t strip anyone of their humanity.

    1. My ex husband’s affair partner knew my husband was married and went after him anyway. Honestly they do not care. This one called me up to announce to me she was taking him. My ex had multiple affairs over a 37 year span and I never knew. He always seemed happy and I loved him very much. Some women just flat out do not care who they hurt because they want what they want. The lack of a moral compass on my husband and her sides is horrendous and I believe affairs are just so incredibly selfish. The pain and suffering caused is never ending and I am just now coming out of an 8 yr funk. They did marry and have been married for 4 years seemingly happy I suppose but I do not buy it. The wreckage they caused my family and my adult children is heartbreaking. Honestly, my one therapist said that people like them often times lack empathy. So interesting because I remember him telling me that he knew he hurt me but he could not quite put himself in my shoes to know how that felt. Unbelievable! My ex is a musician and his affair partner now wife was a record executive. My kids said Dad sold us out for his music. That was more important to him. Now it has been 8 years and he does not have the relationship he once had with his adult daughters. Time makes you stronger. He may have broken my heart but he did not crush my spirit. Life goes on.

    2. A lot of women know they are involved with a married man. My husband cheated on me with a married mom of two young boys and our sons were almost exactly the same age. She knew, she participated, she lied to us and her husband. Her husband took her back and they are intact today. My kids rarely see their dad. She was not innocent like you describe your husbands affair partner. She and my former both trashed my family and we still bare the scars today.

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