Are you struggling in your marriage after having a baby? This is common. Many couples find their relationship changes dramatically when they become parents. This article shares the real story of Carlos and Cristina, who faced common challenges like feeling disconnected, arguing more, and losing intimacy after their baby arrived. Learn practical ways to strengthen your marriage during this big life change and understand why many couples go through similar struggles.

Having a baby is a wonderful experience.  However, parenting may bring unhappy marriage after a baby given the changes to the marital relationship. Get ready!

Carlos and Cristina’s story

A young couple, Carlos and Cristina, came to my office to deal with marital issues. Both reported frequent arguments over “small stuff” and a lack of affection.

Cristina expressed sadness, fatigue, and mood changes. She said:

  • “I am tired of being alone!”
  • “I am alone dealing with everything!”
  • “He is not helping.”
  • “He doesn’t kiss me anymore.”
  • “He does not like me anymore!”

While Carlos said things like:

  • “She is not there for me anymore.”
  • “There is no time for intimacy.”
  • “I think she doesn’t love me anymore.”
  • “She gets mad at me with me for no reason.”

I asked them when they began to notice these problems. Both agreed that it was since they had their first baby 8 months ago.

Each of them reported different feelings but the main issue was the loneliness.

Carlos’s view of an unhappy marriage after a baby

After the baby, Carlos felt that Cristina was not his wife anymore; she was the mother of his child and, for him, just a new boss! He tried to get involved, but he didn’t know how! He felt criticized for everything related to the baby.

So he decided to give Cristina some space.

In doing so, he got more involved with his work and hobbies.

Cristina’s view of her unhappy marriage after baby

Cristina felt overwhelmed with the baby, lack of sleep, and the household. She wanted to return to work but felt she could not talk about it with Carlos.

Interestingly enough, both were feeling abandoned!

I was able to help them understand that their situation was not a crisis; it was a stage for growth in their relationship.

Changes are always stressful, and having a baby is a big change!

Most people think it is mainly difficult for the mother, but research suggests that it is also challenging for the father. Marital relationship researcher Dr. Gottman states that 67% of couples report decreased marital satisfaction during the baby’s first three years.

In therapy, they learned how to deal with these challenges as a team, not adversaries. Also, they could show appreciation for the effort that each of them was making for the baby. I guided them to review their expectations about parenthood and gender roles, as well as conflict styles.

Also, we discussed strategies to reactivate the passion in their marriage.

At the end of five sessions, Carlos and Cristina reported:

  • more collaboration in the household chores,
  • a hopeful view of their marriage,
  • a significant decrease in negative interactions and
  • more effectiveness in dealing with conflict.

Changes are challenging but do not have to become a deal breaker. Having an unhappy marriage after your baby is automatic.

My advice is to get ready before the baby arrives!

Couples who learn about becoming parents are more effective as parents. Also, research demonstrates a lower rate of postpartum depression, better marital satisfaction, and better mental development for the baby.

As Gottman says:

“A good marital relationship is the best gift you can give to your child.”

Closing

Remember, having a baby will change your marriage – but that change doesn’t have to be negative. The key is working together, talking openly about your feelings, and getting help when you need it. By understanding each other’s struggles, sharing responsibilities, and making time for your relationship, you can build an even stronger marriage as new parents. Don’t wait until problems feel overwhelming – reach out for support early, whether through counseling, parenting classes, or connecting with other new parents. Your marriage matters, and taking care of it is one of the best gifts you can give your child.

Originally published April 11, 2015