Long-distance relationships often get a bad rap, but research suggests they can be just as fulfilling as geographically close partnerships. In fact, according to recent studies published in the Journal of Communication, couples separated by distance often experience deeper emotional connections and more meaningful conversations than those who see each other daily. This comprehensive guide explores the science behind successful long-distance relationships and offers practical strategies for maintaining a strong bond across the miles.

Although our experience with friends and family may tell us otherwise, recent research in the Journal of Communication (Jiang & Hancock, 2013), discussed in the Huffington Post., shows long-distance relationships can work.

Researchers uncovered the “special sauce” that works for these couples.

Extended honeymoon phase

When our brains are repeatedly exposed to the same partner, we get used to them as a fixture of our daily lives.

But because novelty releases dopamine, we respond with greater attention. This is why a new romance is so all-consuming.

In a long-distance relationship, partners don’t become get used to each other as quickly. Time slows. And the relationship may be suspended  in a drawn-out “honeymoon phase.”

Intimate dialogue

Partners that engaged in a more intimate dialogue about their thoughts and feelings had long-distance relationships that worked.

These intimate conversations create mutual positivity. John Gottman calls “positive sentiment override.”

The study took note of the ever-increasing number of couples involved in long-distance relationships brought on by the demands of educational pursuits, career development, or emigration.

Couples Therapy Inc. provides long-distance relationship counseling to many international couples. Advances in communication technology also help couples stay passionately engaged and emotionally connected.

The study comprised over 60 couples: some who were already in long-distance relationships, and others who were regularly in close physical proximity.

Long-distance couples in the study were highly trusting and had greater feelings of staying connected on a regular basis with their overseas partners, despite the separation.

What is the success rate of long-distance relationships?

Why do long-distance relationships fail?

The challenge of a long-distance relationship is simple. You are both living your daily lives apart from one another. There can’t be a direct sharing of experiences. Only a vicarious sharing is possible. If you start to withhold information and stop sharing emotional experiences, your relationship will fade.

Researcher Crystal Jiang explained how a successful long-distance relationship works :

…our culture emphasizes being together physically, and frequent face-to-face contact for close relationships, but long-distance relationships clearly stand against all these values. People don’t have to be so pessimistic about long-distance romance. The long-distance couples try harder than geographically close couples in communicating affection and intimacy, and their efforts do pay back.”

Critics of the study, however, remind us that separation from a beloved partner is not desirable. Still, the research shows that resilient couples do adjust their behavior to nurture their intimacy.

Be intimate and self-disclosing

Do long-distance relationships work? They do if you’re both intimate and self-disclosing. Additional research has been done on long-distance couples. They tend to talk with each other less frequently, but what they do say is intimate and revealing.

Apparently, this intimacy emphasis seeks to compensate for the lack of physical proximity. Online long-distance marriage counseling is often prized by long-distance international couples to work through issues and to nurture a vibrant intimacy while separated by vast distances.

Ultimately, this research suggests that couples in long-distance relationships can, and often have, similar levels of marital harmony and connection as those who are geographically close. While the key factor is that the relationship must be in overall good shape, it is helpful to know that separation alone does not have a toxic effect on couples.

Here are 9 ways to make sure your long-distance relationship works

Quality Communication

Interestingly enough, some research shows that long-distance couples may be happier with the quality of their conversation than couples who see each other regularly.

How do long-distance relationships work? These couples don’t engage in idle chit-chat. They talk about their feelings. They know they can’t physically touch, so they reach out emotionally. Have a long-distance, stress-reducing conversation. Talk about what impacted you today and how you felt about it.

Prioritize Your Schedules for Optimal Connection

One challenge of a long-distance relationship is that different time zones can skew your understanding of each other’s schedule. Compare notes beforehand. When is the best time to connect? Do you prefer video conferencing most of the time, or will social media work, too? Remember, you want a predictable contact pattern that works for both of you.

Some Day We’ll Be Together

Research shows that long-distance relationships are more satisfying and less stressful when there’s a plan to be together at some point. You might have different tolerances for being separated, and these differences may create tension. Talk about those differences in an open and vulnerable way.

Live Your Life

Some partners avoid making friends or having new experiences because they resent ttheneed to be away from their beloved. Don’t make that mistake. Live your life, go places., haveexperiences, and share them with your partner.

Delight in the Everyday and the Ordinary

Long-distance means you lose track of how your partner moves through time in ordinary ways. What are they reading? Watching on HBO? What new foods have they tried recently? Maybe you could watch something or read something together and talk about it. The vivid, ordinary details convey a sense of time and place. Don’t overlook something about your life because you fear it is boring. If you react to something, it’s worth talking about.

Send Small Gifts and Tokens of Your Affection

You’ll undoubtedly stay connected through Zoom, Facetime, and social media. But mall gifts and thoughtful gestures can convey powerful emotions, too. If you visit somewhere you’ve never been, send a postcard or a small souvenir. Small tokens can be significant reminders of your powerful emotional connection. Gottman says, “Small things often.” This can also apply to small gifts and tokens.

Plan Visits… But Don’t Over Plan

If you plan to visit one another, don’t overplan your stay with too many activities. Time may seem precious, but remember the mere fact that you are both enjoying the novelty of being together will slow down your sense of time.

Do long-distance relationships work? They can if you value growth

You will learn much about yourself while away from your significant other. You will look back and see how deeply attached you were and how absence made your heart grow fonder.

Given the opportunity to deepen your connection, it may be wise to pretend that you are looking back on this time from some point in the future.

Someday, You Will Look back on This Time Apart and See It as a Bittersweet Growing Pain.

What did you learn about yourself? Your partner? How did being apart deepen your connection?

Reframe the experience as an opportunity for growth and not just a challenging experience at the present moment.

Are you Connecting or Inspecting?

Let’s face it. The biggest issue with long-distance relationships is the fear of being cheated on. Trust is a Must. It’s ok to have some anxiety, but make sure you’re both on the same page. Don’t look for trouble by giving your partner an interrogation. They have a life to live, and they aren’t going to live like a monk just to reassure you. Make sure you give trust and deserve trust in return.

Conclusion

While long-distance relationships present unique challenges, they also offer unexpected opportunities for personal growth and deeper emotional intimacy. The key to success lies in maintaining quality communication, building trust, and viewing the distance as a temporary phase in your journey together. Whether you’re separated by education, career choices, or other circumstances, remember that with commitment, creativity, and the right mindset, distance doesn’t have to diminish the strength of your connection. By implementing the strategies discussed above and staying focused on your shared future, you can build a resilient relationship that thrives despite the miles between you.

Get couples therapy for long-distance relationships online.

Originally published January 24, 2015