Intimacy is the cornerstone of a thriving marriage, yet many couples struggle to maintain deep connection in their relationships. While most people immediately think of physical intimacy, true marital intimacy encompasses emotional, intellectual, and even spiritual bonds. In this evidence-based guide, we’ll explore proven strategies to deepen your connection with your partner, drawing from decades of relationship research and clinical experience.
Are you looking to improve your intimacy? Enhance your sex life? It may be easy for some couples and seemingly impossible for others.
While physical intimacy is important to the well-being of a happy marriage, it is usually a component of emotional and intellectual intimacy. A healthy marriage has all of these variables. Sex and intimacy are phrases often used interchangeably, but intimacy in a relationship is more than sexual intimacy or a weekly date night.
What is Intimacy in Marriage?
One researcher who has studied intimacy for more than 40 years, John Gottman, describes intimacy as a combination of shared meaning and helping to make each other’s life dreams come true. A sense of greater purpose and legacy provides intimacy.
Types of Marital Intimacy
Spend Time Together
But a couple can watch TV every evening and not experience an increase in intimacy. So much more is required.
Why’s that?
Because it’s not proximity that matters; it’s the sharing of thoughts and feelings that matters.
Can you talk about anything while still enhancing intimacy?
But intimacy is more than requesting: “Pick up the dry cleaning tomorrow.” It’s sharing your inner world, thoughts about that world, and about yourself, that matters.
Introduce Novelty and Playfulness
Shared experiences and novel activities co-create meaning. Even creating a secret language or referring to some shared phenomenon with coded language can create this type of intimacy.
Novelty jump-starts positive emotions because, on a biological level, novelty is good for mood and brain chemistry. Novelty enhances dopamine.
One researcher believes that when the brain’s “play circuitry” is activated, it triggers the reward system in the brain, linking the sense of pleasure with being in the presence of their partner. For this reason alone, sharing novel experiences together is essential.
Learning to Have More Fun
Not sure what’s “fun” anymore? While you can think back to what you did when you were first dating for clues, you may have to reflect further back.
Think about what you enjoyed doing as a child or teen.
- Listening to music? Going to a rock concert? Heading out to a new beach for a day?
Linking a sense of shared pleasure with what are called “mirror neurons” enhances the feelings of intimate connection.
Why Do Couples Experience a Lack of Intimacy?
While some couples face deep-rooted challenges like trauma or addiction (what clinicians call “Intimacy Anorexia“), many marriages experience intimacy challenges due to everyday life circumstances. Understanding these common barriers is the first step toward addressing them.
Stress and Demanding Schedules
Intimacy often takes a back seat when couples are overwhelmed with work deadlines, childcare responsibilities, and household management. Chronic stress triggers the release of cortisol, which can suppress the hormones responsible for emotional bonding and physical desire. Many couples find themselves too exhausted to engage in meaningful conversation or quality time together, creating an unintentional distance.
Communication Breakdown
Over time, couples may fall into patterns of surface-level communication, discussing only logistics and daily tasks while avoiding deeper conversations. This often happens gradually – quick texts replace face-to-face discussions, and conversations focus on managing household responsibilities rather than sharing thoughts, dreams, and emotions. Couples can begin feeling like roommates rather than intimate partners without regular emotional exchange.
Health Challenges
Physical and mental health issues significantly impact marital intimacy. Chronic pain, hormonal changes, depression, anxiety, and certain medications can affect both emotional and physical intimacy. Sleep disorders or mismatched sleep schedules can reduce opportunities for connection. Many couples struggle to discuss health-related intimacy challenges openly, leading to misunderstandings and feelings of rejection.
Digital Distractions
Modern technology, while connecting us to the world, often disconnects us from our partners. The constant presence of smartphones, tablets, and streaming services can create what researchers call “technoference” in relationships. Scrolling through social media in bed, checking work emails during dinner, or binge-watching shows instead of talking can replace opportunities for genuine connection.
Unresolved Conflicts
When couples avoid addressing disagreements or hurt feelings, they create emotional barriers that affect intimacy. These unresolved issues often manifest as emotional withdrawal, passive-aggressive behavior, or reduced physical affection. Over time, small resentments can accumulate into significant emotional distance, making vulnerability and intimate connection feel unsafe or impossible.
Understanding these common barriers helps normalize the challenges many couples face while highlighting opportunities for positive change. The good news is that with awareness and intentional effort, couples can address these obstacles and rebuild their intimate connection.
Signs of Intimacy Issues
One clinician called it “Intimacy Anorexia.” It’s often linked to both early trauma (called “Developmental Trauma“) and sex addiction. Imagine if heading out to a day at the beach resulted in a violent incident between your parents. What if the only “novelty” you experienced was terrifying?
Some of us also have negative experiences with sharing our thoughts and feelings with adults and other children. Can you imagine how challenging it would be to share deeper thoughts and feelings as an adult if they guilt-tripped, punished or even abused you for doing so?
Pathways to Building Intimacy
Emotional Closeness
Knowing your partner’s inner world requires not only sharing positive thoughts and feelings but also essential is the capacity to complain safely to each other. Living with anyone can be an annoying experience. Increasing emotional intimacy requires candor and openness. Openness means “vulnerability” for many couples.
When we can tell our partner with kindness and candor how we want them to change, the resentments fade, and we become more interested in kissing with full tenderness.
Value of Spiritual Intimacy
Not all men and women value spiritual intimacy. However, according to one research study, married couples who share spiritual intimacy, bathing together, and having physical intimacy report being the happiest.
One exercise we suggest to couples who want to integrate more spiritual intimacy into their marriage is Dashnaw’s Prayer, based on the clinician who designed it.
In this nightly exercise, each person takes turns saying, “Dear God, thank you for this woman.” They then thank God for one specific act their spouse did that they are grateful for over that day. Then they reverse it: “Dear God, thank you for this man.”
The only conversation is a simple “Amen” at the end of each person’s turn.
Being genuinely intimate in marriage is more than physical closeness. “Knowing” someone and allowing them to “know” you and when your spouse shares novel experiences is essential to overall intimate relating.
Try this Intimacy Quiz!
Marital Intimacy Self-Assessment Quiz
Rate each statement on a scale of 1-5: 1 = Almost Never 2 = Rarely 3 = Sometimes 4 = Often 5 = Almost Always
Emotional Intimacy
- __ I feel safe sharing my deepest fears and insecurities with my partner
- __ We discuss our feelings beyond day-to-day practical matters
- __ My partner notices when I’m stressed or upset without me having to say it
- __ We can disagree without fear of damaging our relationship
Intellectual Connection
5. __ We engage in meaningful conversations about topics we both find interesting
6. __ We share our thoughts about future goals and dreams
7. __ We respect each other’s viewpoints even when we disagree
8. __We make decisions together as equal partners
Physical Closeness
9. __ We show physical affection beyond sexual intimacy (hugs, kisses, holding hands)
10.__ I feel comfortable expressing my physical needs to my partner
11. __ We prioritize quality time together without distractions
12. __ Physical intimacy feels natural and unforced. I don’t feel like I “owe” my partner sex
Trust and Security
13. __ I trust my partner to have my best interests at heart
14. __ We can talk about past hurts or conflicts without becoming defensive
15. __ I feel appreciated and valued in our relationship
16. __ We maintain appropriate boundaries with others outside our marriage
Your Score ____
Scoring Guide:
64-80: Strong Intimate Connection Your relationship shows many signs of healthy intimacy. Focus on maintaining these positive patterns and continue growing together.
48-63: Moderate Intimate Connection You have a good foundation, but there’s room to strengthen your bond. Look at the areas where you scored lower and consider them growth opportunities.
32-47: Growing Intimate Connection Your relationship could benefit from a more intentional focus on building intimacy. Consider which aspects of intimacy need the most attention and start there.
16-31: Intimacy Needs Attention Your relationship may be experiencing some barriers to intimacy. Consider working with a couples counselor to help rebuild your connection.
- This is tool is for information only
- Answer based on current patterns, not past situations
- Be honest with yourself for the most accurate insights
- Use this as a conversation starter with your partner
- Lower scores in certain areas can help identify where to focus your efforts
- Consider taking this assessment every few months to track progress
Closing
Building lasting intimacy in marriage requires intention, vulnerability, and consistent effort from both partners. Whether you’re struggling with emotional distance or looking to deepen an already strong connection, remember that small, daily actions—from sharing your inner thoughts to creating new experiences together—can dramatically strengthen your bond. If you’re finding it particularly challenging to bridge the intimacy gap, consider working with a qualified couples therapist who can help guide you through this important journey.
