When Silence Speaks Volumes: Understanding Men’s Reluctance to Try Couples Therapy

My husband refuses to talk about problems.

I think that our relationship needs some serious help but my husband doesn’t think that there’s a problem. In fact, he says that talking about problems just makes things worse, I can’t even imagine that he would consider therapy. Is there anything that I can do? Is it worth even trying? We do love each other but it feels like we are either fighting or not talking at all these days.

The Research Behind the Resistance

Research from Parnell and Hammer (2018) reveals that men’s reluctance to seek couples therapy isn’t just simple stubbornness – it’s a complex web of psychological and social factors. Their study of 206 men in unhappy relationships uncovered fascinating patterns about why men often resist getting professional help.

The Heart of Resistance: More Than Meets the Eye

Think of traditional masculine norms as invisible strings pulling men away from seeking help. The research reveals two critical factors:

1. Self-Reliance: The deeply ingrained belief that “real men” handle their problems independently
2. Emotional Control: The pressure to maintain stoic composure, especially in emotional situations

What’s particularly interesting is how these factors interact with self-stigma – that internal voice saying, “I should be able to fix this myself.” The study found that self-reliance was completely mediated through self-stigma, meaning men who valued handling things independently experienced more shame about seeking help.

The Three Communication Styles That Actually Work

Harold Raush’s research, cited in the studies, identifies three healthy ways couples handle conflict:

1. Validators: These couples believe in talking things through and showing good listening skills. They see conflict resolution as potentially positive relationship time.
2. Conflict-avoiders: They emphasize commonality and maintain clear boundaries. These couples focus on shared interests and clearly delineate individual and shared spaces. These people fear couples therapy will bring out all of the “ghosts in the closet.”
3. Volatile couples: They debate with good humor and value emotional honesty. Despite intense emotions, they maintain respect and avoid contempt.

Breaking Through the Barriers

The research suggests several effective approaches for engaging reluctant men in therapy:

1. Frame Seeking Help as Strength

• Present therapy as taking initiative rather than admitting defeat
• Emphasize that it takes courage to face relationship challenges head-on
• Focus on the proactive nature of seeking support before problems escalate

2. Address Practical Barriers

• Discuss specific concerns about time, cost, or logistics
• Explore different therapy formats (weekend intensives vs. weekly sessions)
• Consider starting with relationship education programs or workshops

3. Focus on Results and Goals

• Emphasize concrete outcomes rather than just emotional expression
• Frame therapy as skill-building rather than “just talking”
• Connect therapy goals to values men already hold (being a good partner/father)

The Role of Previous Experience

Interestingly, the research found that men who had previous positive experiences with therapy were more likely to consider it again. This suggests that even small positive steps toward getting help can create a foundation for future openness.

Understanding Your Partner’s Style

The research highlights how mismatched communication styles often create tension. If you’re a validator married to a conflict-avoider or a volatile communicator paired with someone who emphasizes calm discussion, understanding these different approaches can reduce frustration and improve understanding.

Different styles

The trouble comes when one partner embraces one paradigm of how to handle conflict and one embraces another. In this case, you feel as if your husband is blowing you off and “putting on a smiley face” instead of treating your issues seriously.

Your husband, you suggest, is telling you: “Don’t make problems where there aren’t any.” Your efforts to connect emotionally may result in his distancing from you. He’s trying to allow things to “calm down.” You aren’t relating well because you are embracing different ideals of what makes a marriage work.

Because you haven’t yet talked to him about it, emphasize the “skills” aspects of the couple work you can do to get closer and pick something he would like to see better (you may have to guess, like “disagreeing less” or “more sex”.)

Moving Forward Together

Remember that men’s resistance to therapy often stems from complex social and psychological factors rather than lack of caring. The research shows that when men recognize a genuine need for help and feel safe seeking it, they can be just as engaged in the process as women.

Practical Steps to Start the Conversation:

1. Choose the right time and setting
2. Use “we” language instead of “you” statements
3. Share your own feelings without blame
4. Listen to understand their concerns
5. Start small with suggestions like relationship books or workshops
6. Consider “Couples Therapy for One” as an intermediate step

Learning to talk in a one-to-one group educational setting

You can start with one of the famous Art and Science of Love seminars offered across the USA, many held by our Gottman-certified therapists here at Couples Therapy Inc. The Art and Science of love is a group experience that allows couples to become familiar with many of the principles we cover in our intensive couples therapy retreat. There is no personal sharing encouraged. You work simply between yourselves as you learn.

Learning to talk over a weekend

In contrast, he may prefer the idea of an intensive weekend rather than what he might experience as the “drip, drip, drip” sensation of weekly work. “Get in, see what can be improved, and get on with it” might appeal to him.

Couples Therapy for One

If these two ideas are rejected, consider “Couples Therapy for One,” in which you learn how to improve the marriage, even if he’s not there.

I know it sounds odd, but instead of going into individual therapy, which can sometimes end up unintentionally breaking a marriage up (“I’ve got to be me, without you…”) Couples Therapy for One deliberately looks at how this one person can create a positive impact on the relationship. Let him know that’s your plan and get his support. He may be more open to going himself if he sees how much help it has done both of you to do that ” ‘therapy for one’ thing.”

Couples therapy is no longer a simple re-hashing of every gripe or bad feeling you’ve experienced over the year, while the therapist sits by quietly.

That’s not “couples therapy.”

That’s just “bad therapy.”

If that’s his idea of couples therapy, reading one of the many Gottman books on how marriages work may be helpful.

The Path Forward

While the journey to couples therapy isn’t always straight or simple, understanding these research-backed insights about men’s resistance can help partners approach the conversation with greater empathy and effectiveness. Remember the study’s key message: it’s not about forcing someone into therapy but rather creating conditions where seeking help feels safe and valuable.

Sometimes, the first step is simply understanding why that first step feels so difficult. With patience, understanding, and the right approach, many couples find their way to the help they need.

Remember: You’re not alone in this challenge. Many couples navigate this path successfully every day, and with understanding and patience, you can too.

References

Parnell, K. & Hammer, J. (2017). Deciding on Couple Therapy: The Role of Masculinity in Relationship Help-Seeking. Psychology of Men & Masculinity. 19. 10.1037/men0000098.

Raush, H., Barry, W., Hertel, R. & Swain, M. (1974). Communication conflict and marriage. APA.

Spiker, Douglas & Hammer, Joseph & Parnell, Ken. (2018). Men in unhappy relationships: Perceptions of couple therapy. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 36. 026540751877553. 10.1177/0265407518775537.