Attachment theory: a brief overview

Revised 9/29/23

Attachment-based couples therapy is a therapeutic approach to helping couples. It draws on the principles of attachment theory to help couples improve their emotional connection and strengthen their relationships. Psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth developed it.

Attachment theory emphasizes...

Attachment theory emphasizes the significance of early caregiver-child bonds in shaping an individual's capacity for forming and maintaining close relationships. In couples therapy, this approach focuses on understanding how each partner's attachment styles and patterns influence their interactions. In attachment-based couples therapy, the therapist helps partners:

  • explore their attachment histories 
  • explore how those histories may be playing out in their current relationship dynamics
  • identify attachment styles, such as secure, anxious, avoidant, or fearful; and
  • examine how these patterns manifest in communication, intimacy, and conflict resolution.

The therapist collaborates with the couple to create a secure and supportive environment. We want both partners to feel heard and validated. The therapy aims to foster a deeper understanding of each other's emotional needs and vulnerabilities through exercises, reflections, and open dialogue.

Couples can develop greater trust, intimacy, and a stronger foundation for navigating challenges by cultivating a more secure attachment bond. This approach is particularly beneficial for couples facing issues related to trust, communication, and unresolved emotional wounds from their past.

Attachment theory informs many attachment-based couples therapy models such as Imago and the science-based couples treatments Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy, and the Gottman Method.

During an assessment, our BIG BIG Book not only reveals the dominant attachment styles of the couple but also gives us a numerical score across all four attachment styles. Rarely do we see a client who is purely one style. But there is typically a dominant style that overshadows all the rest.

Attachment-based couples therapy and secure attachment

As I mentioned, your attachment style is your worldview of how you believe love and intimate relationships work.

Attachment-based couples therapy operates on the premise that the most fortunate among us have Secure Attachmentwhich is by far the best parental hand.

Secure Attachment offers decisive benefits that help you provide resilience and responsiveness to your partner during tough times.

But what are the most common combinations in our Couples Therapy Intensives where at least one partner is securely attached? What happens in attachment-based couples therapy when we discover a less securely attached partner?

Many of these couples have stable and loving bonds, and many could be even better. Remember, we are all mostly a mix of different styles.

When a partner has Secure Attachment, we mean it is their dominant style. It's not a guarantee that they will always behave that way! Here are some common patterns where at least one partner has Secure Attachment.

Secure-Secure (S-S) attachment combination

When both individuals in a relationship have secure attachment styles, it forms a strong foundation for a healthy and fulfilling partnership. These are "textbook" happy couples. It is estimated that 50% of all attachment styles are Secure Attachment. It is the most common attachment style we see in attachment-based couples therapy. Some key characteristics and dynamics include:

  1. Open communication: Both partners feel comfortable expressing their thoughts, feelings, and needs without fear of rejection or judgment. They listen attentively to each other and can validate each other's experiences.
  2. Trust and reliability: There is a high level of trust between them. They can rely on each other for support and have confidence that their partner will be there for them in times of need.
  3. Independence and autonomy: While they value their togetherness, they also respect each other's individuality and autonomy. They encourage each other to pursue personal interests and maintain a sense of self.
  4. Emotional availability: Both partners are emotionally available and responsive to each other's needs. They are attuned to each other's emotions and provide comfort and support when necessary.
  5. Conflict resolution skills: They approach conflicts with a healthy and constructive mindset. They can communicate openly about disagreements, seek compromises, and find solutions that work for both parties.
  6. Intimacy and affection: They feel comfortable being vulnerable and intimate with each other. Physical and emotional affection is freely expressed, creating a more profound connection.
  7. Shared goals and values: They share an understanding of their long-term goals, values, and priorities. This alignment helps them navigate life's challenges and make critical decisions together.
  8. Flexibility and adaptability: They are adaptable and flexible in their approach to life's changes and challenges. They support each other through transitions and are willing to adjust their plans as needed.
  9. Sense of security: Both partners feel secure and valued in the relationship. They have a strong sense of being loved and accepted for who they are.
  10. Mutual growth and development: They encourage each other's personal growth and development. They celebrate each other's achievements and encourage each other during times of self-discovery or change.

Overall, a relationship between two individuals with secure attachment styles tends to be characterized by a strong sense of mutual trust, emotional intimacy, and a supportive environment for each partner's individual and shared growth. This creates a stable and fulfilling partnership built on a foundation of security and love.

Secure and Anxious-Preoccupied (S-AP) attachment combination

Secure (S) and Anxious-Preoccupied (AP) attachment styles can manifest differently in a relationship compared to a partnership where both individuals have secure attachment styles. Here are some key distinctions:

Communication style:

  • The Secure partner (S) communicates openly and honestly, expressing their thoughts and feelings without fear of rejection. They are good listeners and can validate each other's experiences.
  • In the Secure- Anxious-Preoccupied Pair (S-AP), the S partner may repeatedly provide reassurance and validation to the AP partner. The AP partner seeks reassurance and may express their needs and emotions more intensely.

Emotional availability:

  • In S-S partnerships, both partners are emotionally available and responsive to each other's needs; they are attuned to each other's emotions and provide comfort and support when necessary.
  • In the S-AP partnership, the Secure partner may need to be particularly attentive to the emotional needs of the Anxious-Preoccupied partner. The Anxious-Preoccupied partner may seek more frequent reassurance of love and approval of their inherent goodness.

Independence and autonomy:

  • S-S partners value their togetherness and respect each other's individuality and autonomy. They encourage each other to pursue personal interests and maintain a sense of self.
  • In the S-AP partnership, the Anxious-Preoccupied partner may have a stronger desire for closeness and sometimes struggle with giving the Secure partner the necessary space. The Secure partner may need to communicate their need for independence, which may be met with anxiety by their AP spouse.

Trust and reliability:

  • S-S partners share a high level of trust between them. They can rely on each other for support and have confidence that their partner will be there for them in times of need.
  • In the S-AP partnership, the Anxious-Preoccupied partner may sometimes need more reassurance about the stability and reliability of the relationship. The Secure partner plays a crucial role in providing this reassurance.

Conflict resolution:

  • Whereas S partners approach conflicts with a healthy and constructive mindset, they can communicate openly about disagreements, seek compromises, and find solutions that work for both parties;
  • Conflict may be more challenging for the Anxious-Preoccupied partner who may be more sensitive to perceived threats to the relationship. The Secure partner's ability to provide reassurance and maintain a calm and constructive approach to conflict is crucial.

Overall dynamics:

  • In S-S, the relationship tends to be characterized by a strong sense of mutual trust, emotional intimacy, and a supportive environment for each partner's individual and shared growth.
  • In the S-AP, the relationship may focus more on providing reassurance and maintaining a sense of security for the Anxious-Preoccupied partner. The Secure partner's ability to offer consistent support is essential.

The Secure partner may become stressed out over time by the emotional demands of their Anxious-Preoccupied partner.

The Secure partner must learn how to reassure the Anxious-Preoccupied partner to calm them down. Some Secure partners are invested in their relationships to a high degree and have what it takes to patiently and lovingly soothe the Anxious Preoccupied partner. It is, however, a cooperative effort. The AP partner must be willing to receive this comfort. The demands of the AP partner can become so great that the S partner burns out in an attempt to meet an ever-changing list of emotional needs.

Some theorists believe that a healthy, loving adult relationship can heal the wounds of the past. The strength of the securely attached partner becomes the bedrock on which the anxious partner builds confidence and greater self-love. The secure partner can also encourage their less secure spouse to seek growth through psychotherapy.

In summary, while a relationship between a Secure and Anxious-Preoccupied partner can be loving and fulfilling, it may require more attention to the emotional needs and insecurities of the Anxious-Preoccupied partner. The Secure partner's ability to provide reassurance, maintain healthy boundaries, and communicate openly is crucial in creating a strong and secure partnership.

An attachment-based Couples Therapy Intensive can be a big help to these couples. Suppose the Anxious-Preoccupied partner can describe the nature of their anxiety and accept reassurance from their Secure partner. In that case, they can move toward becoming more secure themselves.

Secure and Avoidant-Dismissive (S-AD) attachment combination 

A marital relationship can have distinct dynamics where one partner has a Secure (S) attachment style, and the other has an Avoidant-Dismissive (AD) attachment style. These dynamics are influenced by the characteristic behaviors and emotional responses associated with these attachment styles:

Communication and emotional expression:

  • Whereas the Secure (S) partner is comfortable with emotional expression and open communication; they are able to express their feelings and needs clearly, and be attentive and responsive to their partner's emotions;
  • The Avoidant-Dismissive (AD) partner tends to downplay, suppress, or dismiss their own or their partner's emotions. They may view expressing emotional vulnerability as a "weakness" and may avoid dynamic sharing or transparency. They may deny "negative" feelings of sadness, shame, guilt, or fear, but not anger. Anger is used to regulate distance from their partner. They may focus on practical matters rather than delve into deep emotional discussions. They may mock or ridicule the expression of emotions they are uncomfortable with. The AD may downplay even more "positive" emotions such as pride, interest, or joy, or consider them irrelevant or unnecessary to life. 

Independence and intimacy:

  • The Secure partner can balance their need for independence with their desire for intimacy, they value closeness in the relationship. They can also pursue individual interests without fear of abandonment.
  • The Avoidant-Dismissive partner tends to prioritize and highly value independence and self-sufficiency and require personal space and alone time, even at the cost of connection. They prefer to handle emotions and problems independently rather than seeking support or comfort. They may be uncomfortable with too much closeness and intimacy. They may pull away when they feel overwhelmed by emotional demands. They may become intimidated and angry at their secure partner, experiencing the invitation to share as a "demand." They may feel overwhelmed or suffocated if they perceive their partner as too emotionally demanding or intrusive. They might find it challenging to express love or affection in highly emotional or vulnerable ways, which can be frustrating or hurtful for their partner. The AD partner may fear becoming too dependent on their partner for emotional well-being. This can lead to a reluctance to lean on their spouse, even in times of need. They may prioritize their autonomy and individuality, sometimes at the expense of the relationship. This can result in a preference for pursuing personal interests and goals independently.

Response to emotional distress:

  • Where as the Secure partner is empathetic and supportive when their spouse is going through a difficult time, providing comfort and reassurance, and their presence is intended to create a sense of safety;
  • The Avoidant-Dismissive partner struggles to offer or accept emotional support during distress. They may not always understand or know how to respond to their partner's emotions. Instead, they may distance themselves and grow cold to their partner's "neediness." They might find it uncomfortable or unfamiliar to receive emotional support or reassurance from their partner and "shrug it off." They may struggle to accept help or comfort when they are feeling vulnerable.

Conflict resolution:

  • Where as the Secure partner approaches conflict with a healthy and constructive mindset; they can communicate openly about disagreements, seek compromises, and find solutions that work for both parties;
  • The Avoidant-Dismissive partner, when faced with conflict or emotional intensity, may withdraw or shut down rather than engage in open communication. They might need time alone to process their feelings. The AD partner may tend to minimize or dismiss relationship issues to avoid the discomfort associated with emotional conflict or confrontation. They may view discussing problems as "just making it worse" rather than imagining a favorable resolution.

The usually solidly grounded S often finds the AD exasperating, even making the S resemble an AP. The AD can erode the S partner's otherwise robust self-esteem with their chronic emotional unavailability and distancing.

However, as with the Anxious-Preoccupied, a patient and robust Secure partner can wear down an Avoidant-Dismissive and nudge them grudgingly toward a more Secure attachment. They may not want to, however, and may choose to respond to the clear messages their partner sends. It's a great deal of lonely, one-way work to establish a mutual Secure attachment with the Avoidant-Dismissive.

As with the Anxious-Preoccupied, shifting an Avoidant-Dismissive toward Secure attachment without the benefits of science-based couples therapy can be daunting.

Accepting influence from the S partner is essential for the S-AD pairing to work. While the S partner believes in people, the AD spouse does not have such an optimistic view of humanity. Consequently, the AD partner may fail to accept influence from their S partner, and the emotional gridlock might persuade the S partner to leave.

It's helpful when ADs can accept the validity of their partner's desire for connection without getting defensive. Even if the AD is skeptical, they can test themselves to connect more with their Secure partner while tolerating their anxiety.

It is poignant to see long-term S-AD couples struggle for growth. We work intensely with these couples so that they can become more intimately connected. And they often do!

Remember, attachment-based couples therapy works on the premise that attachment styles can shift. Science-based couples therapy works well with this combination. In our intensives, we teach the specific things you can do to help create a more secure attachment.

The critical thing to remember is that we are all struggling to gain mastery over our childhood attachment injuries. We select partners who we feel are best suited to help us to accomplish this critical task.

Secure and Fearful-Avoidant (S-FA) attachment combination

A marital relationship involving one partner with a Fearful-Avoidant (also known as Disorganized) attachment style has several distinct elements. The Fearful-Avoidant dynamic is characterized by a push-pull pattern of seeking closeness and withdrawing due to deep-seated fears and unresolved emotional conflicts. Fearful-Avoidant people compose roughly 10% of the population. Here are the key elements:

Ambivalence towards intimacy

  • While securely attached partners feel comfortable being vulnerable and intimate with each other, the Fearful-Avoidant (FA) partner experiences conflicting desires for closeness and distance. They may have an intense yearning for emotional connection but simultaneously fear it, leading to a push-pull dynamic. This dynamic is confusing to the S partner. Despite their fear and avoidance, the FA often craves a stable and secure relationship. They may long for a committed partnership's safety but struggle to embrace it fully.

Intense emotional swings:

  • While securely attached partners are comfortable with emotions and can self-regulate, this is not the case with FA partners. The FA partner may have intense and rapid shifts in their emotional state. This can lead to unpredictability in their behavior and difficulty maintaining emotional stability within the relationship. The FA partner may be easily overwhelmed by intense emotions, leading to moments of emotional dysregulation. This can make it challenging to navigate conflicts or moments of emotional intensity. The S partner may feel frequently and unexpectedly "off kilter" with unpredictable problems and behaviors.

Deep-seated fears and trauma:

  • Almost the definition of secure attachment, Secure partners have had a "good enough" parenting experience free from ambivalence, chaos, and trauma. FA individuals often have unresolved traumas or fears related to attachment. These experiences may stem from early childhood relationships or past adult relationships. Trauma leaves its imprint not only on the victim but also on their loved ones. Difficulty identifying or sharing feelings, triggers and flashbacks, avoidance and withdrawal, difficulty trusting, hyper-arousal (anxiety, irritability) or hypo-arousal (depression, numbness), poor boundaries, a reenactment of trauma, and sexual withdrawal can be some of the many consequences of trauma, particularly developmental trauma. The FA partner can dodge, lie, or manipulate as they regress to this early regressive state. This regressed state creates insecurity and uncertainty in the S partner about who this partner is and their present and future life together.

Difficulty trusting others:

  • While securely attached individuals have an "I'm okay, you're okay" attitude toward life, FA partners have an "I'm not okay, and neither are you" attitude. Due to their internal conflict and past experiences, the FA individual may find it challenging to trust and fully open up to their spouse. This leaves the S partner puzzled and confused and often in self-doubt. The FA partner may fear getting hurt or rejected. They may have developed problematic coping mechanisms for managing their emotions independently. This can sometimes lead to a preference for self-soothing rather than seeking comfort from their partner.

Chaos and turmoil

  • FA partners are faced with an overwhelming challenge to calm down and self-soothe. People with FA or Disorganized attachment typically have chaos and turmoil in their intimate relationships. They may lean heavily on their S partner to help them manage their feelings and then quickly reject their help. They find it challenging to be vulnerable to others or to ask for help. Trust is in very short supply. Deep down, they hold a conviction that people (especially those they are closest to) are unreliable and can be dangerous. The S partner is often placed in a dominant, controlling role or ignored. The S partner finds it hard to have equity in the relationship because there is little trust and deep suspicion.

Tendency to sabotage:

  • Securely attached partners are a "you get what you see" presentation of self. There is no game-playing. They are often explicit about who they are and what they want. In contrast, the FA can engage in behaviors that undermine the relationship, such as creating distance, testing their partner's commitment, or provoking conflicts. A fear of getting too close can drive these actions. However, when they feel too far away and face risking the loss of the relationship, they become panicked and frightened, wanting to re-establish closeness. This swing in emotions and actions leaves the S partner exhausted, confused, and distressed.

Inconsistent communication:

  • Secure partners approach conflicts with a healthy and constructive mindset. They can communicate openly about disagreements, seek compromises, and find solutions that work for both parties. Communication with an FA partner can be inconsistent at best. They may struggle to express their needs clearly and vacillate between seeking closeness and withdrawing. They may be highly self-focused and unwilling or unable to consider or process how their behavior impacts their Secure partner. This leaves the Secure partner frustrated by their communication style.

Need for reassurance:

  • The Secure partner may occasionally need reassurance during rocky personal challenges. Like the anxiously attached partner, the FA partner may require ongoing reassurance of their partner's commitment and love. However, they may or may not ask for it. They seek validation and affirmation to help alleviate their fears but often refuse to accept the comfort. Instead, they get angry because they can't trust the sincerity of their partner's feelings. They may expect their Secure partner to mind-read their motivations and intentions and are left bereft when the Secure partner fails at this task.

As confusing as it sounds, the FA feels more pressure as they settle into a calm, ordinary life with their S partner. In that calm, it becomes safe enough to allow their demons to rise to the surface. When they become flooded with traumatic memories and flashbacks, they become anxious, dysregulated, and uneasy.

Regression to an earlier state is common. If they grew up surrounded by chaos, they may begin to enact it in their present life. They may read hostile intentions in their partner's communications. They may pick fights. They may start or intensify drinking or drugging to calm these negative internal voices. Once trouble arises in the S-FA marriage, it can elicit so much anxiety for some FA spouses that they would rather bail out on the Secure partner than be dumped by them.

Fearful-Avoidant partners, like Avoidant-Dismissives, are on a continuum, as some have had greater frequency or intensity with fewer supports than others. As a result, some achieve Secure attachment in couples therapy more readily than others.

Fearful-Avoidant dynamics can be challenging, but with patience, empathy, and the support of a skilled therapist, couples can work together to understand and navigate these dynamics. Open and compassionate communication is vital to building a secure and fulfilling partnership.

Secure attachment is in reach for everyone! People usually have an "aha" moment when they get feedback from their BIG BIG Book. They connect the dots between their family of origin, current marital challenges, and attachment style. Attachment styles are pervasive.

Clients are often profoundly grateful for the insights that attachment science offers. Secure attachment is within reach for everyone. Sometimes, it takes work to see how we were shaped and courage for us to decide to be different.

Is my attachment style carved in stone? Can attachment-based couples therapy help?

Attachment styles can change once you realize your childhood casts a long shadow. Understanding how and why we tend to unconsciously fall back on our childhood attachment patterns in our adult intimate relationships is crucial. The paradox is that our painful childhood pattern can cause severe problems in our marriage. But despite that fact, our attachment styles are still somewhat resistant to change because these attachment styles feel so right and familiar to us.

Attachment-based couples therapy can help you understand these childhood attachment injuries and move into a new secure attachment style.

Attachment Theory has been a significant factor in developing science-based couples therapy.

It is a crucial aspect of how we come to love the way we do. Our attachment style can be a profound source of grace.


Learn more about secure attachment in online couples therapy

Research:

Bowlby, J. M. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.

Bowlby, J. M. (1979). The making and breaking of affectional bonds. London, UK: Tavistock.

Johnson, S. & Greenberg, L. (1985). “Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy: An Outcome Study.” Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 11(3), 313-317.

Johnson, S. & Greenberg, L. (1985). “The Differential Effects of Experiential and Problem Solving Interventions in Resolving Marital Conflict.” Journal of Consulting & Clinical Psychology, 53, 175-184.
(EFT, CBT, and controls tested.)

Johnson, S.M., Burgess Moser, M., Beckes, L., Smith, A., Dalgleish, T., Halchuk, R., Hasselmo, K., Greenman, P.S., Merali, Z. & Coan, J.A. (2013). “Soothing the threatened brain: Leveraging contact comfort with Emotionally Focused Therapy.” PLOS ONE, 8(11): e79314.

Ready for a change in your relationship?

It starts with a no-obligation 15 minute phone call with our client services team.

Dr. Kathy McMahon


Dr. Kathy McMahon (Dr. K) is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist. She is also the founder and president of Couples Therapy Inc. Dr. K feels passionate about couples therapy and sex therapy and holds a deep respect towards those who invest in making their relationship better. She is currently conducting online and in person private couples retreats.

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    1. Thank you for reaching out, the weekend intensive format can be helpful for couples that travel a lot or have otherwise busy schedules. Someone from our client services team will reach out to with more information.

  1. Hi, I'm looking for a marriage therapist. We have communication issues and complicating factors of my being disabled and coming from a family that had dysfunctional communication. I am conflict avoidant and I have some default passive aggressive tendencies though I am able to call myself out on them. We've been strggling for a while now.

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