Originally published October 22, 2019. Updated February 3, 2025

Have you ever felt so intensely attracted to someone that you couldn’t think about anything else? That overwhelming feeling might be limerence. While there’s no instant cure, understanding and managing limerence is possible. Let’s explore what it is and how to handle it.

What Is Limerence?

Limerence goes beyond a typical crush or falling in love—it’s when romantic attraction becomes so powerful that it takes over your life. When you experience limerence, you become deeply preoccupied with one person.

To help understand this better, we use two simple terms:

  • The Limerent Individual (LI): That’s you, the person experiencing these intense feelings
  • The Limerent Object (LO): The person you’re attracted to

These terms help us understand that what you’re going through is real and documented—many others have walked this path before.

Key Points:

  • Limerence is more intense than a typical crush
  • It can feel overwhelming and all-consuming
  • The experience is well-documented in psychology
  • You’re not alone in experiencing these feelings

How It Feels: The Reality Check

Imagine having someone stuck in your mind like a song that won’t stop playing. Except instead of a song, it is thoughts about another person. That’s what limerence feels like – it creates an overwhelming need for this special person’s attention and positive regard.

Your days become filled with thoughts of them, from the moment you wake up until you fall asleep. When they’re around, you feel incredibly happy, almost euphoric. But when they’re away, you might feel deeply sad or empty.

People experiencing limerence often find themselves carefully analyzing every interaction with their LO. Even the smallest gesture or comment can feel hugely significant. Your body reacts too – you might get butterflies in your stomach or feel actual chest pain. Many people find it hard to focus on work or other activities because thoughts of the other person keep interrupting.

The physical impact can be significant. Sleep becomes difficult, and your appetite might change. Your heart might race whenever you’re around them or even just thinking about them. Many people feel constant anxiety and nervousness.

The experience often leads to certain behaviors, like checking their social media frequently or finding reasons to be near them. You might catch yourself replaying conversations in your head or collecting items that remind you of them. These feelings happen because of uncertainty about whether they return your feelings, combined with seeing them as perfect or ideal. Major life changes, loneliness, or feeling vulnerable can make these feelings even stronger.

Key Points:

Common Experiences:

  • Constant thoughts about the person throughout the day
  • Intense mood swings based on their attention
  • Physical symptoms like racing heart or butterflies
  • Trouble focusing on daily tasks
  • Strong need for their approval or attention

Physical and Emotional Signs:

  • Difficulty sleeping
  • Changes in appetite
  • Racing heart when around them
  • Anxiety and nervousness
  • Deep longing when apart

Compulsive behaviors such as:

  • Constantly checking social media
  • Finding reasons to be near the LO
  • Replaying past interactions
  • Collecting items connected to the LO

Why It Happens

Limerence often starts because:

  • You’re uncertain about whether they like you back
  • You see them as perfect or ideal
  • You’re going through a major life change
  • You might be feeling lonely or vulnerable
  • Your brain chemistry gets activated in a way similar to addiction

The Science Behind Limerence: Why Your Brain Acts This Way

Your brain during limerence is like a chemical factory working overtime, producing a powerful cocktail of substances that create intense feelings and reactions. Understanding the science can help you see why these feelings are so strong and hard to control.

Research shows that limerence creates “an involuntary, overwhelming longing for another person’s attention and positive regard” (Tennov, 1979, p. 23).

When you’re in a state of limerence, your brain releases three main chemicals that work together to create this powerful experience:

The Chemical Cascade:

  • Dopamine floods your system, creating euphoric feelings
  • Oxytocin builds strong bonding feelings
  • Norepinephrine causes excitement and alertness

Brain imaging studies show that during limerence, your brain’s reward center becomes highly active – similar to what happens during drug addiction. At the same time, the rational thinking part of your brain (the prefrontal cortex) becomes less active, while the emotional center (the amygdala) fires up.

This combination explains why:

  • You crave contact with your LO
  • Separation feels physically painful
  • Rational thinking becomes difficult
  • Behavior can become compulsive

Key Brain Changes:

  • Reward pathways activate strongly
  • Rational thinking decreases
  • Emotional responses increase
  • Addiction-like patterns emerge

Signs You’re Experiencing Limerence

Let’s talk about how to know if what you’re feeling is limerence. The most clear sign is that you can’t get this person out of your head, even when you’re trying to focus on other things. Your emotions go up and down based on how they treat you – when they give you attention, you feel incredibly happy, but when they seem distant, you feel crushed.

You might find yourself going over conversations with them again and again in your mind, trying to find hidden meanings. Maybe you’ve started creating reasons to run into them, like taking a longer route to work or going to places where you think they might be. Their social media becomes incredibly important to you – you check it often to see what they’re doing.

You might be experiencing limerence if you:

  1. Can’t stop thinking about them, even when trying to focus on other things
  2. Feel extreme highs when they show any attention
  3. Feel crushing lows when they seem distant
  4. Replay conversations with them in your mind
  5. Look for ways to run into them “accidentally”
  6. Check their social media frequently
  7. Feel physical symptoms when around them
  8. Have trouble sleeping or eating normally
  9. Find it hard to be interested in dating others

How It Affects Your Life

Limerence touches every part of your life. At work, you might catch yourself daydreaming instead of focusing on tasks. Meetings become harder to follow, and your productivity might drop because your mind keeps wandering to thoughts of them.

Your relationships with others often suffer too. You might spend less time with friends and family because you’re either with your LO or thinking about them. If you’re in a relationship with someone else, it can create serious problems – you might find yourself comparing your partner to your LO or feeling guilty about your feelings.

Your health takes a hit as well. Good sleep becomes rare because your mind won’t quiet down. You might eat too much or too little. The stress and anxiety of limerence can be exhausting, and many people notice physical symptoms like a racing heart or feeling sick to their stomach.

Key Points:

Your Work Life:

  • Trouble concentrating
  • Decreased productivity
  • Distraction during meetings

Your Relationships:

  • Distance from friends and family
  • Difficulty maintaining other relationships
  • Problems with your current partner if you’re in a relationship

Your Health:

  • Sleep problems
  • Changes in appetite
  • Anxiety and stress
  • Physical symptoms like racing heart

Why Limerence Happens: Understanding the Triggers

Limerence doesn’t just appear randomly – it often starts during specific life circumstances or emotional states. Understanding these triggers can help you make sense of your experience and start taking steps to manage it.

One of the biggest factors is uncertainty about whether the other person returns your feelings. This uncertainty, combined with seeing them as perfect or ideal, creates a powerful cocktail of emotions. Major life changes, loneliness, or feeling vulnerable can make these feelings even stronger.

Common Triggers:

  • Uncertainty about reciprocation
  • Idealizing the other person
  • Emotional vulnerability
  • Loneliness or isolation

Your personal history and current life situation can make you more susceptible to limerence. This often happens during:

  • Times of major transition
  • After difficult breakups
  • Periods of stress or uncertainty
  • When feeling emotionally unfulfilled
  • During significant life changes

The good news is that understanding these triggers is your first step toward managing limerence better. Recognizing what might have sparked these feelings can help you start working through them in a healthy way.

Comprehensive Treatment Guide for Limerence


Getting better isn’t just about trying harder to stop thinking about them – that usually doesn’t work. Instead, you need a mix of different strategies working together. Think of it like healing from a physical injury – you need rest, exercise, and sometimes professional help.

Professional help can make a big difference.

A therapist who understands limerence can teach you ways to handle your thoughts using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). They’ll help you see your situation more clearly and develop healthier thought patterns. Some therapists use Exposure Response Prevention, which helps you face your triggers without giving in to checking up on your LO. I’ll go into each of these in more detail below.

Professional Treatment Approaches

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

When you’re caught in limerence, your thoughts can feel like they’re stuck on replay.

CBT helps you change these thought patterns step by step. Research shows it’s one of the most effective treatments for breaking the cycle of obsessive thoughts (Wyant, 2021).

Key Components:

  1. Thought Monitoring
    • Keep a daily log of limerent thoughts
    • Note what triggers these thoughts
    • Track how long they last
    • Write down your emotional reactions
  2. Reality Testing
    • Question idealized thoughts about the LO
    • Look for evidence that challenges your beliefs
    • Practice seeing the LO as a regular person
    • Identify cognitive distortions in your thinking
  3. Alternative Thinking Development
    • Create balanced thoughts about the situation
    • Practice new ways to view interactions
    • Develop realistic expectations
    • Build confidence in your own worth

Exposure Response Prevention (ERP)

This treatment works by gradually facing your limerent triggers without giving in to compulsive behaviors. Think of it like building immunity to a virus – you get stronger with each exposure (Wyant, 2021).

Step-by-Step Process:

  1. Initial Assessment
    • List all limerent rituals and behaviors
    • Rate the anxiety each causes (0-100)
    • Create a hierarchy of challenges
    • Set realistic goals
  2. Exposure Planning
    • Start with easier challenges
    • Gradually work up to harder ones
    • Create specific plans for each exposure
    • Prepare coping strategies
  3. Response Prevention
    • Resist checking social media
    • Don’t drive by their house/workplace
    • Avoid asking others about them
    • Stop rehearsing imaginary conversations

Behavioral Activation

This approach focuses on getting your life back while you’re dealing with limerence. It’s about building a fulfilling life that doesn’t revolve around the LO (Bradbury et al., 2024).

Core Activities:

  1. Structured Daily Planning
    • Create morning and evening routines
    • Schedule regular exercise
    • Plan social activities
    • Set work/study goals
  2. Interest Development
    • Restart old hobbies
    • Try new activities
    • Join clubs or groups
    • Take classes or workshops
  3. Social Connection Building
    • Strengthen existing friendships
    • Make new social connections
    • Join support groups
    • Volunteer in your community

Self-Help Strategies

Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation

Getting your life back on track is important, too.

This means creating new routines that don’t revolve around thoughts of your LO. Start with small steps: set a morning routine, make plans with friends, or try a new hobby. Each small step helps you build a fuller life that isn’t centered on one person.


While working on recovery, be gentle with yourself. You’re dealing with powerful feelings that affect your brain chemistry – it’s natural that getting better takes time. The key is to keep moving forward, even if some days are harder than others. Remember that many people have recovered from limerence and gone on to have healthy relationships.

Learning to handle your emotions is key. Mindfulness helps you notice your thoughts without getting caught up in them. Start small – try sitting quietly for 5 minutes each day, just focusing on your breathing. When thoughts of your LO come up, notice them and gently return to your breath.

Daily Practices:

  1. Meditation
    • Start with 5 minutes daily
    • Focus on breathing
    • Notice thoughts without judgment
    • Gradually increase duration
  2. Grounding Exercises

Building a Support System

Having people who support you makes recovery easier. Tell trusted friends what you’re going through. They can listen when you need to talk and help keep you on track. Online support groups can also help – there’s comfort in knowing others understand your experience. Research shows that isolation can make limerence worse (Bradbury et al., 2024).

Key Steps:

  1. Professional Support
    • Find a therapist who understands limerence
    • Consider group therapy
    • Join online support communities
    • Work with a relationship coach
  2. Personal Support
    • Tell trusted friends about your struggle
    • Ask family for practical help
    • Connect with others who’ve experienced limerence
    • Create accountability partnerships

Lifestyle Changes

Your daily habits matter too. Regular exercise helps clear your mind and improve sleep. Eat regular meals, even when you don’t feel hungry. Cut back on coffee and alcohol since they can make anxiety worse. Create times when you don’t use your phone – this helps break the habit of checking their social media.

Essential Changes:

  1. Physical Health
    • Maintain regular exercise
    • Get consistent sleep
    • Eat nutritious meals
    • Limit alcohol and caffeine
  2. Digital Boundaries
    • Remove social media triggers
    • Block or mute the LO online
    • Create phone-free times
    • Find alternative activities
  3. Stress Management
    • Practice regular self-care
    • Set healthy boundaries
    • Learn to say no
    • Create relaxation routines

Recovery Milestones

Short-term Progress (1-3 months)

Recovery happens in stages. In the first few months, you’ll start having more moments when you’re not thinking about them. Sleep might get better, and you’ll find it easier to focus at work. Your anxiety might start to ease.

Key Changes:

  • Reduced frequency of intrusive thoughts
  • Better sleep patterns
  • Improved concentration
  • Less anxiety around triggers

Medium-term Progress (3-6 months)

Between three and six months, you’ll notice longer periods without limerent thoughts. Your mood will become more stable. You might find yourself getting interested in other activities again. Your relationships with friends and family will start feeling more normal.

Key Changes:

  • Longer periods without limerent thoughts
  • More stable mood
  • Renewed interest in other activities
  • Stronger relationships with others

Long-term Progress (6+ months)

After six months or more, you’ll be able to think about your LO without intense feelings. Daily life will feel more manageable. You might start feeling ready for new relationships. Most importantly, you’ll have a stronger sense of who you are outside of these feelings.

Key Changes:

  • Ability to think of LO without intense feelings
  • Return to normal daily functioning
  • New healthy relationships are possible
  • A clear sense of self separate from limerence

Maintaining Recovery

Prevention Strategies

Once you’re feeling better, focus on staying well. Know what situations might trigger limerent feelings. Pay attention to times when you feel vulnerable, like after a breakup or during big life changes. Keep using the coping skills you’ve learned.

Watch for early warning signs. If you notice yourself getting overly focused on someone new, use your tools right away. Keep up with activities that make you feel good. Stay connected to your support system.

  1. Early Warning Signs
    • Know your personal triggers
    • Recognize vulnerable periods
    • Maintain awareness of relationship patterns
    • Keep using learned coping skills
  2. Ongoing Support
    • Continue therapy as needed
    • Stay connected to the support system
    • Keep practicing healthy habits
    • Review and update coping strategies

Remember that it’s okay to keep getting help if you need it. Some people find occasional therapy sessions helpful even after they’re feeling better. The goal isn’t to never feel attracted to anyone again – it’s to have healthy relationships that add to your life instead of taking it over.

Preventing Future Episodes

Once you’re feeling better, you can:

  • Maintain healthy boundaries
  • Stay aware of early warning signs
  • Keep up with self-care
  • Continue therapy if needed
  • Build meaningful relationships
  • Focus on personal growth

When to Get Professional Help

Seek help if:

  • Your daily life is severely affected
  • You can’t stop thinking about them
  • You’re having thoughts of self-harm
  • Your work or relationships are suffering
  • You feel stuck after trying to recover on your own

Hope for Recovery

Remember these key points:

  • Limerence is temporary
  • Recovery is possible
  • You’re not alone
  • Help is available
  • Your feelings are real but will pass

References

Bradbury, P., Short, E., & Bleakley, P. (2024). Limerence, hidden obsession, fixation, and rumination: A scoping review of human behaviour. Journal of Police and Criminal Psychology.

Tennov, D. (1979). Love and limerence: The experience of being in love. Stein and Day.

Wyant, B. E. (2021). Treatment of limerence using a cognitive behavioral approach: A case study. Journal of Patient Experience, 8, 1-7.