Originally published October 22, 2019. Updated February 3, 2025
Have you ever felt so intensely attracted to someone that you couldn’t think about anything else? That overwhelming feeling might be limerence. While there’s no instant cure, understanding and managing limerence is possible. Let’s explore what it is and how to handle it.
What Is Limerence?
Limerence goes beyond a typical crush or falling in love—it’s when romantic attraction becomes so powerful that it takes over your life. When you experience limerence, you become deeply preoccupied with one person.
To help understand this better, we use two simple terms:
- The Limerent Individual (LI): That’s you, the person experiencing these intense feelings
- The Limerent Object (LO): The person you’re attracted to
These terms help us understand that what you’re going through is real and documented—many others have walked this path before.
Key Points:
- Limerence is more intense than a typical crush
- It can feel overwhelming and all-consuming
- The experience is well-documented in psychology
- You’re not alone in experiencing these feelings
How It Feels: The Reality Check
Imagine having someone stuck in your mind like a song that won’t stop playing. Except instead of a song, it is thoughts about another person. That’s what limerence feels like – it creates an overwhelming need for this special person’s attention and positive regard.
Your days become filled with thoughts of them, from the moment you wake up until you fall asleep. When they’re around, you feel incredibly happy, almost euphoric. But when they’re away, you might feel deeply sad or empty.
People experiencing limerence often find themselves carefully analyzing every interaction with their LO. Even the smallest gesture or comment can feel hugely significant. Your body reacts too – you might get butterflies in your stomach or feel actual chest pain. Many people find it hard to focus on work or other activities because thoughts of the other person keep interrupting.
The physical impact can be significant. Sleep becomes difficult, and your appetite might change. Your heart might race whenever you’re around them or even just thinking about them. Many people feel constant anxiety and nervousness.
The experience often leads to certain behaviors, like checking their social media frequently or finding reasons to be near them. You might catch yourself replaying conversations in your head or collecting items that remind you of them. These feelings happen because of uncertainty about whether they return your feelings, combined with seeing them as perfect or ideal. Major life changes, loneliness, or feeling vulnerable can make these feelings even stronger.
Key Points:
Common Experiences:
- Constant thoughts about the person throughout the day
- Intense mood swings based on their attention
- Physical symptoms like racing heart or butterflies
- Trouble focusing on daily tasks
- Strong need for their approval or attention
Physical and Emotional Signs:
- Difficulty sleeping
- Changes in appetite
- Racing heart when around them
- Anxiety and nervousness
- Deep longing when apart
Compulsive behaviors such as:
- Constantly checking social media
- Finding reasons to be near the LO
- Replaying past interactions
- Collecting items connected to the LO
Why It Happens
Limerence often starts because:
- You’re uncertain about whether they like you back
- You see them as perfect or ideal
- You’re going through a major life change
- You might be feeling lonely or vulnerable
- Your brain chemistry gets activated in a way similar to addiction
The Science Behind Limerence: Why Your Brain Acts This Way
Your brain during limerence is like a chemical factory working overtime, producing a powerful cocktail of substances that create intense feelings and reactions. Understanding the science can help you see why these feelings are so strong and hard to control.
Research shows that limerence creates “an involuntary, overwhelming longing for another person’s attention and positive regard” (Tennov, 1979, p. 23).
When you’re in a state of limerence, your brain releases three main chemicals that work together to create this powerful experience:
The Chemical Cascade:
- Dopamine floods your system, creating euphoric feelings
- Oxytocin builds strong bonding feelings
- Norepinephrine causes excitement and alertness
Brain imaging studies show that during limerence, your brain’s reward center becomes highly active – similar to what happens during drug addiction. At the same time, the rational thinking part of your brain (the prefrontal cortex) becomes less active, while the emotional center (the amygdala) fires up.
This combination explains why:
- You crave contact with your LO
- Separation feels physically painful
- Rational thinking becomes difficult
- Behavior can become compulsive
Key Brain Changes:
- Reward pathways activate strongly
- Rational thinking decreases
- Emotional responses increase
- Addiction-like patterns emerge
Signs You’re Experiencing Limerence
Let’s talk about how to know if what you’re feeling is limerence. The most clear sign is that you can’t get this person out of your head, even when you’re trying to focus on other things. Your emotions go up and down based on how they treat you – when they give you attention, you feel incredibly happy, but when they seem distant, you feel crushed.
You might find yourself going over conversations with them again and again in your mind, trying to find hidden meanings. Maybe you’ve started creating reasons to run into them, like taking a longer route to work or going to places where you think they might be. Their social media becomes incredibly important to you – you check it often to see what they’re doing.
You might be experiencing limerence if you:
- Can’t stop thinking about them, even when trying to focus on other things
- Feel extreme highs when they show any attention
- Feel crushing lows when they seem distant
- Replay conversations with them in your mind
- Look for ways to run into them “accidentally”
- Check their social media frequently
- Feel physical symptoms when around them
- Have trouble sleeping or eating normally
- Find it hard to be interested in dating others
How It Affects Your Life
Limerence touches every part of your life. At work, you might catch yourself daydreaming instead of focusing on tasks. Meetings become harder to follow, and your productivity might drop because your mind keeps wandering to thoughts of them.
Your relationships with others often suffer too. You might spend less time with friends and family because you’re either with your LO or thinking about them. If you’re in a relationship with someone else, it can create serious problems – you might find yourself comparing your partner to your LO or feeling guilty about your feelings.
Your health takes a hit as well. Good sleep becomes rare because your mind won’t quiet down. You might eat too much or too little. The stress and anxiety of limerence can be exhausting, and many people notice physical symptoms like a racing heart or feeling sick to their stomach.
Key Points:
Your Work Life:
- Trouble concentrating
- Decreased productivity
- Distraction during meetings
Your Relationships:
- Distance from friends and family
- Difficulty maintaining other relationships
- Problems with your current partner if you’re in a relationship
Your Health:
- Sleep problems
- Changes in appetite
- Anxiety and stress
- Physical symptoms like racing heart
Why Limerence Happens: Understanding the Triggers
Limerence doesn’t just appear randomly – it often starts during specific life circumstances or emotional states. Understanding these triggers can help you make sense of your experience and start taking steps to manage it.
One of the biggest factors is uncertainty about whether the other person returns your feelings. This uncertainty, combined with seeing them as perfect or ideal, creates a powerful cocktail of emotions. Major life changes, loneliness, or feeling vulnerable can make these feelings even stronger.
Common Triggers:
- Uncertainty about reciprocation
- Idealizing the other person
- Emotional vulnerability
- Loneliness or isolation
Your personal history and current life situation can make you more susceptible to limerence. This often happens during:
- Times of major transition
- After difficult breakups
- Periods of stress or uncertainty
- When feeling emotionally unfulfilled
- During significant life changes
The good news is that understanding these triggers is your first step toward managing limerence better. Recognizing what might have sparked these feelings can help you start working through them in a healthy way.
Comprehensive Treatment Guide for Limerence
Getting better isn’t just about trying harder to stop thinking about them – that usually doesn’t work. Instead, you need a mix of different strategies working together. Think of it like healing from a physical injury – you need rest, exercise, and sometimes professional help.
Professional help can make a big difference.
A therapist who understands limerence can teach you ways to handle your thoughts using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). They’ll help you see your situation more clearly and develop healthier thought patterns. Some therapists use Exposure Response Prevention, which helps you face your triggers without giving in to checking up on your LO. I’ll go into each of these in more detail below.
Professional Treatment Approaches
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
When you’re caught in limerence, your thoughts can feel like they’re stuck on replay.
CBT helps you change these thought patterns step by step. Research shows it’s one of the most effective treatments for breaking the cycle of obsessive thoughts (Wyant, 2021).
Key Components:
- Thought Monitoring
- Keep a daily log of limerent thoughts
- Note what triggers these thoughts
- Track how long they last
- Write down your emotional reactions
- Reality Testing
- Question idealized thoughts about the LO
- Look for evidence that challenges your beliefs
- Practice seeing the LO as a regular person
- Identify cognitive distortions in your thinking
- Alternative Thinking Development
- Create balanced thoughts about the situation
- Practice new ways to view interactions
- Develop realistic expectations
- Build confidence in your own worth
Exposure Response Prevention (ERP)
This treatment works by gradually facing your limerent triggers without giving in to compulsive behaviors. Think of it like building immunity to a virus – you get stronger with each exposure (Wyant, 2021).
Step-by-Step Process:
- Initial Assessment
- List all limerent rituals and behaviors
- Rate the anxiety each causes (0-100)
- Create a hierarchy of challenges
- Set realistic goals
- Exposure Planning
- Start with easier challenges
- Gradually work up to harder ones
- Create specific plans for each exposure
- Prepare coping strategies
- Response Prevention
- Resist checking social media
- Don’t drive by their house/workplace
- Avoid asking others about them
- Stop rehearsing imaginary conversations
Behavioral Activation
This approach focuses on getting your life back while you’re dealing with limerence. It’s about building a fulfilling life that doesn’t revolve around the LO (Bradbury et al., 2024).
Core Activities:
- Structured Daily Planning
- Create morning and evening routines
- Schedule regular exercise
- Plan social activities
- Set work/study goals
- Interest Development
- Restart old hobbies
- Try new activities
- Join clubs or groups
- Take classes or workshops
- Social Connection Building
- Strengthen existing friendships
- Make new social connections
- Join support groups
- Volunteer in your community
Self-Help Strategies
Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation
Getting your life back on track is important, too.
This means creating new routines that don’t revolve around thoughts of your LO. Start with small steps: set a morning routine, make plans with friends, or try a new hobby. Each small step helps you build a fuller life that isn’t centered on one person.
While working on recovery, be gentle with yourself. You’re dealing with powerful feelings that affect your brain chemistry – it’s natural that getting better takes time. The key is to keep moving forward, even if some days are harder than others. Remember that many people have recovered from limerence and gone on to have healthy relationships.
Learning to handle your emotions is key. Mindfulness helps you notice your thoughts without getting caught up in them. Start small – try sitting quietly for 5 minutes each day, just focusing on your breathing. When thoughts of your LO come up, notice them and gently return to your breath.
Daily Practices:
- Meditation
- Start with 5 minutes daily
- Focus on breathing
- Notice thoughts without judgment
- Gradually increase duration
- Grounding Exercises
- Use the 5-4-3-2-1 senses technique
- Practice body scanning
- Do progressive muscle relaxation
- Use breathing exercises
Building a Support System
Having people who support you makes recovery easier. Tell trusted friends what you’re going through. They can listen when you need to talk and help keep you on track. Online support groups can also help – there’s comfort in knowing others understand your experience. Research shows that isolation can make limerence worse (Bradbury et al., 2024).
Key Steps:
- Professional Support
- Find a therapist who understands limerence
- Consider group therapy
- Join online support communities
- Work with a relationship coach
- Personal Support
- Tell trusted friends about your struggle
- Ask family for practical help
- Connect with others who’ve experienced limerence
- Create accountability partnerships
Lifestyle Changes
Your daily habits matter too. Regular exercise helps clear your mind and improve sleep. Eat regular meals, even when you don’t feel hungry. Cut back on coffee and alcohol since they can make anxiety worse. Create times when you don’t use your phone – this helps break the habit of checking their social media.
Essential Changes:
- Physical Health
- Maintain regular exercise
- Get consistent sleep
- Eat nutritious meals
- Limit alcohol and caffeine
- Digital Boundaries
- Remove social media triggers
- Block or mute the LO online
- Create phone-free times
- Find alternative activities
- Stress Management
- Practice regular self-care
- Set healthy boundaries
- Learn to say no
- Create relaxation routines
Recovery Milestones
Short-term Progress (1-3 months)
Recovery happens in stages. In the first few months, you’ll start having more moments when you’re not thinking about them. Sleep might get better, and you’ll find it easier to focus at work. Your anxiety might start to ease.
Key Changes:
- Reduced frequency of intrusive thoughts
- Better sleep patterns
- Improved concentration
- Less anxiety around triggers
Medium-term Progress (3-6 months)
Between three and six months, you’ll notice longer periods without limerent thoughts. Your mood will become more stable. You might find yourself getting interested in other activities again. Your relationships with friends and family will start feeling more normal.
Key Changes:
- Longer periods without limerent thoughts
- More stable mood
- Renewed interest in other activities
- Stronger relationships with others
Long-term Progress (6+ months)
After six months or more, you’ll be able to think about your LO without intense feelings. Daily life will feel more manageable. You might start feeling ready for new relationships. Most importantly, you’ll have a stronger sense of who you are outside of these feelings.
Key Changes:
- Ability to think of LO without intense feelings
- Return to normal daily functioning
- New healthy relationships are possible
- A clear sense of self separate from limerence
Maintaining Recovery
Prevention Strategies
Once you’re feeling better, focus on staying well. Know what situations might trigger limerent feelings. Pay attention to times when you feel vulnerable, like after a breakup or during big life changes. Keep using the coping skills you’ve learned.
Watch for early warning signs. If you notice yourself getting overly focused on someone new, use your tools right away. Keep up with activities that make you feel good. Stay connected to your support system.
- Early Warning Signs
- Know your personal triggers
- Recognize vulnerable periods
- Maintain awareness of relationship patterns
- Keep using learned coping skills
- Ongoing Support
- Continue therapy as needed
- Stay connected to the support system
- Keep practicing healthy habits
- Review and update coping strategies
Remember that it’s okay to keep getting help if you need it. Some people find occasional therapy sessions helpful even after they’re feeling better. The goal isn’t to never feel attracted to anyone again – it’s to have healthy relationships that add to your life instead of taking it over.
Preventing Future Episodes
Once you’re feeling better, you can:
- Maintain healthy boundaries
- Stay aware of early warning signs
- Keep up with self-care
- Continue therapy if needed
- Build meaningful relationships
- Focus on personal growth
When to Get Professional Help
Seek help if:
- Your daily life is severely affected
- You can’t stop thinking about them
- You’re having thoughts of self-harm
- Your work or relationships are suffering
- You feel stuck after trying to recover on your own
Hope for Recovery
Remember these key points:
- Limerence is temporary
- Recovery is possible
- You’re not alone
- Help is available
- Your feelings are real but will pass
References
Bradbury, P., Short, E., & Bleakley, P. (2024). Limerence, hidden obsession, fixation, and rumination: A scoping review of human behaviour. Journal of Police and Criminal Psychology.
Tennov, D. (1979). Love and limerence: The experience of being in love. Stein and Day.
Wyant, B. E. (2021). Treatment of limerence using a cognitive behavioral approach: A case study. Journal of Patient Experience, 8, 1-7.
This is yet another good article that I have found that explains Limerence. I am at three years and nine months and my pain is no less bearable than it was when it started. I do not know when this will ever end but I hope it is soon. I also have quit Facebook and I do not try to look and see what she is doing or where she is in her life. It is difficult however. I want to love her so much but I cannot. I am married and have been for 25 years… But for some reason my LO has my emotions by the throat! I have not seen her since I bumped into her at a funeral six months ago. I was happy to see her but at the same time knew that it would set me back. I did not see her for two years during The Covid shut down but when I saw her again it was as if I had seen her yesterday! I’m just so tired of the pain! She does not know she’s my LO… But my wife does. It’s awkward. Thanks for the article.
I have used limmerence since I was a pre teen. I suffered abuse and looked for an escape until I found alchol at fourteen, then that became my escape, however limmerence has crept in at times. Since today is my 12 year anniversary to one of my LO’s I thought I would share to help anyone who is going down the rabbit hole of limmerence. My husband is a homosexual who used me for a green card. Since he was my LO you can imagine how this ended after two kids… I didn’t care despite all the rejection and the obviousness of the situation. He even told me, not about liking men ,but that he was using me and it wasn’t real. Still my addiction to get him to reciprocate my feelings was all that mattered. My fantasy and his rejection were the perfect combo for me. I crave abuse in my LO’s. This makes for a double dose of hell when I engage in these limmerent chemicals. I’ve been separated from husband for years. I’ve recently come across my perfect LO. I gave in one damn time to the temptation of fantasy and being swept away by this person. It’s continued to be a problem. I’ve decided to fight it hard just like my alchol addiction. I renamed my LO Liam instead of using his real name and sat down and separated who Liam is and who LO is in his real life. This worked for me. I’ve also fought any fantasy dump my brain does. I get in the bath and I pray or I name off every object I’m looking at until my mind quits. I don’t give in… I want to.. wanted to be all having a twin flame.. but I know better. I’ve been getting better and now when I see my LO he’s just back to being his annoying self and not some master twin flame who knows my soul and my thoughts… good luck everyone. Brain chemicals are dangerous!! Soul mates don’t exist and life and real love will pass us by if we choose escape and feel good chemicals..
This is an excellent article that explained everything I am experiencing in detail. My comment however, is that prior to reading recommendations for LE recovery I had already executed changing jobs to avoid my LO, deleting, blocking, and staying away from my LO online, and avoiding LO at all costs. It has been a year and I still feel as heartbroken as Day #1. Hoping this will end as this pain is unbearable on some days.