Often, international couples (expatriates or couples in a long-distance relationship) see difference and novelty as stressors in their marriage; this doesn’t have to be the case.

My six big pieces of relationship advice include learning the other’s language, cooking each other’s food, filling your living room with movies in your partner’s language, magazines, or even perfume that can only be found outside the USA. Having friends from both countries can help bridge the gap if you are in a long-distance relationship or living on the other side of the world. You can make a long-distance relationship work with cultural awareness and a genuine effort to stay connected.

When you started dating, your differences were attractive and exciting. You carefully took time to talk face to face or on a video call, being sure to stay connected. You were patient when your partner said, “I don’t understand.”

If you had cultural differences, you each took time to develop cultural sensitivity. Perhaps you worked hard to cultivate an emotional connection with your long-distance partner. You may have learned to avoid talking about different versions of your country’s history in order to keep the peace.

Studies have shown that novel experiences can stimulate the neurochemicals dopamine and norepinephrine production. These neurochemicals appear in the brain in the early, blissful stages of a relationship.

There may be some inherent aspects of being in an international relationship that invite this type of novel experience. There are unique opportunities that may come up for you two. Here are six of the big ones:

Learn the language

When I say learn your partner’s language, I mean go beyond elementary levels and really study the idioms, the “mindset,” and the worldview.

You may consider watching movies that have sex scenes in your partner’s (or your) native language and learn what “sexy talk” is to your spouse.

It may surprise you to learn that bilingual Spanish/English women in one study had a very different sexual experience when they had “sex in Spanish” than they did in English.

Studying a new language can be a fun aspect of cultural training. But don’t weigh your spouse down by asking them to carry the burden of communication.

Slow the conversation down when you do not understand and ask for clarification.

International couples require a shared understanding that is not only good enough for everyday use but also good enough if something serious occurs, such as a family or personal crisis. At these times, you will wish you were perfectly fluent.

It takes work to become fluent in another culture. An appreciation for nuance can convey intimacy, and that intimacy feels good.

Cook the food, eat the food, mix up the food.

To develop an appreciation for culture, food tasting is essential. It will make your partner feel proud when you learn to make their favorite food, but don’t stop with merely one recipe. Work together to make foods that have elements of both cultures. Think in broad categories like sweet, savory, or texture.

Shop together and then find ways to combine foods from each culture to surprise the palette. Experiment with unusual wines, beers, or other liquors and combine them to make a novel meal.

Escape back home in your living room.

Create an escape that feels like home. Even if you are not geographically close, you can get there emotionally. Some ideas include:

  • Locate a travel video and “head back home.”
  • Check out a film in your native language to watch together
  • Buy magazines from your partner’s country and keep them around
  • Buy perfume that is unique or popular in your country

Sometimes, rearranging the furniture in a way that “feels like home” can make a big difference. For example, a TV often dominates a living room in the USA, but this is less true in many parts of Europe. Try banishing it for a month or two to a less used room, and it makes the area feel more novel and cozy.

Nail down the nuance.

Make sure that you nail down the cultural nuances in their home country that really matter. This is an essential part of cultural competence. Ullah et al. call the negotiations that take place in international couples the ‘predicament of ethnicity.’ They describe it as a “rich and nuanced account” of the negotiations between international couples around identity, including issues of differing cultural expectations, ethnicity, and religion.” However, according to these authors, these couples routinely cross religious and cultural boundaries.

Be aware of cultural blinders or implicit biases. There are many cultural differences in social communication. International couples may use the exact same words to convey entirely different intentions. This miscommunication can be amplified for long-distance couples or when talking on the phone.

Consider this example from a multicultural couple. Your American best friend Buzz has been visiting for a long evening. As wonderful as it is to see Buzz, it is getting late and your Japanese wife, Hoki, brings you and Buzz a nice cup of hot tea. You think, “how lovely, Hoki wants us to finish the conversation and leisurely chat for a while.”

However, Hoki’s intent in presenting him with a hot beverage is, “Buzz, thank you for visiting, it is time for you to hit the road.”

Make friends with other similar international couples.

Make an intentional effort to make friends with their family members and other similarly mixed couples and share experiences. This is a way to expand your vocabulary and have fun with the typical misunderstandings that usually happen when learning to overcome a language barrier. It will also help you have a deeper understanding of different cultural backgrounds.

Having a network of friends, particularly when we are networking with our partner’s friendship circle is a great way to appreciate important cultural ideas that will help you to become a more sophisticated and resilient couple.

It is also a way of normalizing the joys and challenges of cross-cultural romance. A peer group of other international couples is a powerful way to rapidly enhance your cultural sensitivity while having a good time in the process.

If you love your spouse, learn to love their culture

Be open, curious, and respectful when it comes to your partner’s culture. Always look for new avenues to make your differences more intimately aligned and personal. Cultivate a relationship with your spouse’s family and friends.

Art.

Music.

Decor.

Look for ways to share and appreciate one another’s cultural influences. It is fun to teach your spouse about something new which is one of the reasons international relationships never are boring.

Accept that it will be hard sometimes.

There will be times when you will be bewildered and frustrated. There will be some things you may never “get.”

Use I statements when you are frustrated and in conflict with your partner. Instead of a harsh criticism like “you are so emotional,” (or far worse, “you people are so emotional”), instead “I feel overwhelmed when you speak to me that way.”

Allow your partner to vent in their native tongue. You don’t need to get defensive. Instead, you can develop a venting ritual that will diffuse the situation.

Cultural differences are an ongoing novel experience, and the best advice we can offer to international couples is to remain curious instead of furious. There is always something new to learn and appreciate about your partner. Cultural differences where people are unwilling to compromise can be a relationship killer. “You don’t understand because you are not X” reflects this unwillingness. However, it is the unwillingness or inability to compromise that causes the problem, not the difference in cultural practices.

References

Curda, Lk & Curda, Stephen. (2002). International couples in instructional technology: The curdas. Educational Technology Research and Development. 50. 104-112. 10.1007/BF02505030.

Although our life is not without its challenges, our perspective is that it is not that unique. We are simply two professionals in the same field attempting to strike a balance between work and family life. We think of ourselves first as a couple. This has led to marital success and other benefits, but has not come without making an effort. We rarely think of ourselves as international, although we can certainly identify specific rewards we reap as a result of our diversity. We have tried to provide both our personal perspectives and relevant research findings to represent our experiences. Our final perspective on being an international couple in IT is that we cannot imagine having it any other way. We plan on publishing and perishing
together.

Mancinelli, F. (2024). Anthropology. Digital Nomads. DOI:  10.1093/obo/9780199766567-0306

Digital nomads are individuals who combine remote work from anywhere that has Internet connection with ongoing international travel, leisure, and multi-local living. The term, coined in the early 1990s to indicate the irruption of portable technologies into leisure travel, gained substantial recognition post-pandemic when remote work became ubiquitous, drawing attention to a more widespread possibility of turning location-independence into a way of life for many. 

Jimenez-Rodriguez, O. & Requena, F. (2024). Money and values in couples: a cross-welfare system comparison of gender values. International Journal of Sociology and Social Policy. 44. 163-179. 10.1108/IJSSP-04-2024-0187.
Money management practices among couples from 27 countries were studied to understand how they reflect egalitarian values. Couples who distinguish between a common fund and individual funds demonstrate more egalitarian values than those who have only a common fund.

Ullah, A. & Chattoraj, D. (2023). International marriage migration: The predicament of culture and its negotiations. International Migration. 61. 10.1111/imig.13172.

Marriage‐led migration or migration‐led marriage was rarely discussed in public or private realms just over two decades ago. However, international marriage migration (IMM) has become a norm in today’s globalised world. While a substantial body of literature deals with this growing practice, existing literature does not adequately address the role that ethnicity plays in the context of IMM. The purpose of this study is to explore the question of ethnicity in IMM in Southeast Asian contexts. It focusses on what we have called the ‘predicament of ethnicity’ and the negotiations around ethnicity, culture and identity among couples where at least one partner migrated for the purpose of the marriage. The study is based on interviews with international couples selected using a snowball sampling method and demonstrates complex and intriguing patterns of cultural and ethnic identity negotiations between international Southeast Asian couples.

Paul Vanderbroeck, P and Aasted Skov-Hansen, J. (2021. ) HERE WE ARE: The International Career Couple Handbook. Springtime Books.

Learn how International Career Couples can be successful and sustainable in the long term. Discover game-changing best practices, strategies, and tools. Understand what employers can do to support International Career Couples dynamically. HERE WE ARE – The International Career Couple Handbook offers powerful ways to guide international mobile talent. From a foundation of deeply caring for a global workforce, the authors share real-life insights into the challenges and opportunities for International Career Couples and the organisations deploying them globally. With in-depth research and substantial HR experience this book argues that the future of global careers requires a holistic strategic perspective on professionals living and working in international trajectories. Applying organisational methods and facilitating meaningful conversations are ways for ICCs to succeed and for organisations to retain them. This handbook is filled with practical tools for each ICC to construct their own map of the future.