Here are five obscure and little-known ways to experience delight in each other that you probably never heard before: 1. Think back on why you chose each other, 2. Share your life with enthusiasm, 3. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt, 4. Talk to them like they are your friends and, 5. Get Enough Sleep.
1. When You Remember How You Chose Each Other… It’s Easier to Have a Happier Relationship
The late Dr. James J. Ponzetti, professor emeritus at the University of British Columbia, collected “how we met” stories from 124 couples.
The purpose of the study was to compare each spouse’s recollection concerning how they met, became a couple, and decided to get married.
Dr. Ponzetti discovered that when couples share how they became a couple and reflect on all the positive reasons for committing to each other, they feel more fondness and admiration for each other.
Most couples have no idea how spending time reminiscing, laughing, and sharing funny stories about their early days of dating, courtship, and eventual marriage can support a happier relationship.
Dr. Ponzetti’s research confirms John Gottman’s work, which reached a similar conclusion. One of the best ways to have a happier relationship is to remember your early history regularly and fondly.
During the first night of our couples therapy intensive, we asked couples to tell us how they met, were attracted to each other, and became a couple. The couple continues to answer questions about the wedding, honeymoon, and early years together.
Witnessing how couples light up, laugh, smile, and reminisce can be very gratifying. It helps to set a positive and hopeful mood for the weekend.
So chill some wine, curl up on the sofa, and turn down the lights. You can do this yourself tonight, at home…right now.
2. Does your Spouse Have Good News? Celebrate With Enthusiasm!
Couples therapists talk a great deal about stress-reducing conversations. While that’s important, Professor Finkel’s research has discovered a less-known fact that couples are happier when they share their lives with enthusiasm.
Couples who respond to good news with celebratory enthusiasm tend to ask more questions. This extended shared enthusiasm promotes a deeper, more loving connection and a happier relationship.
3. Remember that Your Spouse Loves You and is On Your Side.
Paul DePompo, Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist and the founder of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Institute of Southern California. Dr. DePompo is a pragmatic, evidence-based therapist who prefers to work profoundly and briefly to promote meaningful cognitive change.
4. Give them the Benefit of the Doubt
He reminds us that if you’re bickering with your spouse, breathing and calming yourself down is not enough. It’s also important to remember to give them the benefit of the doubt.
Remember that your marriage is an incredibly close relationship. You love your partner, and they love you. It’s essential to remember that although your nervous system tells you otherwise, your intimate connection can be sustained through conflict. Having a different opinion does not mean your partner doesn’t love you or isn’t on your side.
Find your common ground, and don’t let your, reactive nervous system somehow convince you that your spouse is your enemy. Dr. DePompo says this simple shift will make it easier to keep an open mind and discuss the issue more collaboratively.
4. Want a Happier Relationship? Make Sure You’re Getting Enough Sleep.
This last issue is particularly corrosive because we’ve come to tolerate the experience of being sleep-deprived. In a previous post, I wrote about one of the ways sleep problems impact relationships.
But even though there is a considerable amount of research on the issue, I find that many couples therapists are unaware of the strong correlation between poor sleep duration and serious relationship problems.
If you want a happier relationship, learn more about sleep hygiene.
Important research from the University of California, Berkeley, examined the sleep habits of more than 100 couples. Those who reported poor sleep were much more likely to bicker with their partner; they became lonely and more socially isolated.
Human beings thrive on connection with others. Sleep deprivation not only undermines that sense of connection, but because of our competitive 24/7 global economy, it has also become socially acceptable to be sleep-deprived.
“We humans are a social species. Yet sleep deprivation can turn us into social lepers, further increasing the grave social-isolation impact of sleep loss, that vicious cycle may be a significant contributing factor to the public health crisis that is loneliness.” study senior author Matthew Walker, a UC Berkeley professor of psychology and neuroscience.
Loneliness Shortens Life
National surveys suggest that nearly half of Americans feel lonely and disconnected.
Abundant research tells us that loneliness increases your risk of early death by a whopping 45%. This is twice the mortality risk associated with being obese.
Researchers have noticed that over the past 30 years, there has been a significant increase in loneliness and an equally dramatic decrease in sleep hygiene.” Eti Ben Simon, Researcher at the Center for Human Sleep Science at UC Berkeley.
One of the secrets to a happier relationship is ensuring you’re getting enough sleep. The less you sleep, the less you feel like interacting with your spouse. Sleep deprivation is tough on intimate relationships. If you’re sleep-deprived, take action or get help at a sleep clinic as soon as possible.
