Gay Couples Therapy and Gottman Couples Therapy

Revised 5/6/20

A Breaking study is now showing, for the first time, outcome measurement comparing gay and straight couples going through Gottman Method Couples Therapy.

We have known for a while that most couples, as a rule, improve about half a standard deviation. But a recent study of gay couples therapy showed an improvement of approximately 1.2 standard deviations.

Does this mean that same-sex couples sail through gay couples therapy twice as fast as straight couples? We don’t know yet… but it’s a very intriguing question.

Why Do Gay Couples Improve so Much in Gottman Couples Therapy?

I don’t want to bore you explaining standard deviations… but trust me, a half a standard deviation compared to 1.2 standard deviations is quite impressive.

This is a study I am looking forward to reading. Perhaps other recent research might shed some light on these new findings.

Strengths of these relationships that make gay couple therapy more effective

  •  We have a lot of research suggesting that same-sex couples are gentler to each other when they fight (Gottman et al. 2003). Gottman’s research tells us that lesbian couples and gay men use more humor and kindness when bringing up a disagreement, and they’re more positive as they engage in disagreement with one another. They also found that gay and lesbian couples use fewer hostile words, and have fewer power struggles than straight couples.
  • Gay couples show less escalation, less diffused physiological arousal, and less stonewalling and contempt. It might be true that gay couples can more easily co-regulate one another more skillfully than straight couples. After all, the gender differences, especially as related to diffused physiological arousal are not a factor. This factor may tend to offset the fact that gay men can sometimes be more negative while making complaints than straight couples. More research here would be interesting.
  •  Gay couples therapy Research by Balsam, Beauchaine, Rothblum, and Solomon (2008) suggested that same-sex partners see gender roles in a similar way, and tend to employ more similar communication styles than straight couples. These similarities also inhibit escalation and promote better conversations.
  • Fals-Stewart, O’Farrell, and Lam (2009) also reported better results with gay couples therapy when there were addictions. Although Garanzini and Yee are intrigued by this study, I am skeptical of this research as lead author, (Fals-Stewart) was at the epicenter of a large, bizarre fraudulent social science research scandal. They have a reason to value this research for a different reason.

Antonelli, Dettore, Lasagni, Snyder, and Balderrama-Durbin (2014) found that gay and lesbian couples, (as compared to heterosexual couples) reported a higher level of satisfaction with the quality of leisure time they spent together, as well as a higher satisfaction with their physical and sexual encounters.

What Makes Gay and Lesbian Relationships Succeed or Fail?


Gay relationships and lesbian relationships have unique strengths and challenges.

Dr. Gottman and his research team attempted to answer the question; Are there significant differences in the patterns of relational success and failure between heterosexual and same-sex couples?

To answer that question, Gottman conducted a twelve-year study of gay and lesbian couples.

His research concluded that all couples regardless of sexual orientation have many of the same relational struggles and satisfactions. But same-sex couples have significant strengths and unique vulnerabilities.

The key finding was that gay relationships and heterosexual relationships are directly comparable in levels of overall satisfaction and quality.

However, gay relationships have unique strengths and struggles which characterize their interactions, particularly in conflict resolution.

Gay and Lesbian Relationships and Conflict Management

“When it comes to emotions, we think these couples may operate with very different principles than straight couples. Straight couples may have a lot to learn from gay and lesbian relationships,” Dr. John Gottman.

  • The research discovered that same-sex relationships are more sensitized to sharing power and having an abiding sense of fair-play with each other. Because of this difference, emotions related to “control” issues are decidedly muted in same-sex couples. Especially for gay women.

For example, Gottman’s research shows that with heterosexual couples, it’s easier to sting a partner with a critical comment than it is to delight a partner with a compliment.

Positive Comments Land Better

  • In same-sex couples, the opposite seems to be true. A positive comment lands better with a gay partner, and criticism doesn’t cut as deep as it does with straight couples.
  • The research also discovered that gay couples displayed lower levels of relational fear, power struggles, antagonism, and control issues than straight couples. Gay couples are also better at softened start-ups, using humor and affectionate language when they complain and seek a change.
  • There is also less anger and more positivity during and after disagreements with gay couples than with straight couples. Gay couples are better able to handle negativity.
  • The research also discovered that gay couples displayed lower levels of diffuse physiological arousal (DPA). As a result, gay couples can remain calmer during tough conversations and have an overall greater skill in soothing their partner than heterosexual couples.


Gay Men and Gay Women Differ in Their Degree of Emotional Expressiveness

  • Gay and lesbian couples may have similar strengths, but conflict management styles are different for lesbians and gay men.
  • According to Gottman’s gay couples therapy research, during marital spats, lesbians display more humor, engagement, agitation, and even anger, than gay men in a comparable situation.
  • Gottman’s research suggests lesbians are simply more emotionally expressive than gay men. Perhaps a relationship between two women allows for an unimpeded flow of emotional expressiveness.
  • The landmark book, Couple Therapy with Gay Men by David E. Greenan EdD, and Gil Tunnel Ph.D. reminds us that most gay men have grown up marinated in shame about their core identities.

Consequently, it’s not unusual for a gay man to internalize a profound degree of self-reliance.

This autonomy stood them in good stead while enduring a lonely childhood and adolescence, but excessive self-reliance may impede a gay man’s ability to readily find a balance between autonomy and connection.

Gottman gay couples therapy can help increase vulnerability and openness.

Gay Couple Therapy and Gay Men

It’s important for couples therapists to help gay men to become more comfortable with expressions of vulnerability, intimacy, and mutual support.

This may be why Gottman’s research indicates that men in gay couples therapy benefit by noticing their degree of negativity while making complaints. Research indicates that gay men are different from lesbians and straight couples in that their repair skills sometimes need more additional work in gay couples therapy.

Gay men who initiate complaints may, at high levels of conflict, criticize vehemently, and make it more difficult for their partner to make a successful repair attempt.

Gottman concludes that gay men might need more help in understanding the systemic impact of their negativity than lesbian or straight couples. It’s lonely growing up gay, and consequently, emotional supports, particularly for young gay men are often lacking.

Thanks to the Researchers

Salvatore Garanzini, MFT, is the Executive Director and Cofounder of the Gay Couples Institute, based in San Francisco, CA. He and his husband, Alapaki Yee, MFT, also a co-founder and Director of Operations, supervise clinical staff performing gay couples therapy at the Institute. Salvatore is also an adjunct professor at the University of San Francisco Counseling Psychology Department. I appreciate this ground-breaking research in Gottman Couples Therapy.

Is Gottman Couples Therapy Right for You? Get it Online


Antonelli, P., Dettore, D., Lasagni, I., Snyder, D. K., & Balderrama-Durbin, C. (2014). Gay and lesbian couples in Italy: Comparisons with heterosexual couples. Family Process, 53, 702–716. PubMedGoogle Scholar

Balsam, K. F., Beauchaine, T. P., Rothblum, E. D., & Solomon, S. E. (2008). Three-year follow-up of same-sex couples who had civil unions in Vermont, same-sex couples not in civil unions, and heterosexual married couples. Developmental Psychology, 44(1), 102–116.

Fals-Stewart W, O’Farrell TJ, Lam WK. Behavioral couple therapy for gay and lesbian couples with alcohol use disorders. Journal of Substance Abuse Treatment. 37: 379-87. PMID 19553063 DOI: 10.1016/j.jsat.2009.05.001

Garanzini, Salvatore; Yee, Alapaki; Gottman, John; Gottman, Julie; Cole, Carrie; Preciado, Marisa; Jasculca, Carolyn (October 2017). “Results of Gottman Method Couples Therapy with Gay and Lesbian Couples”. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. 43 (4): 674–684. doi:10.1111/jmft.12276.

Daniel Dashnaw

Daniel is a Marriage and Family Therapist and the blog editor. He currently works with couples online and in person. He uses EFT, Gottman Method, Solution-focused and Developmental Models in his approaches. Daniel specializes in working with neurodiverse couples, couples that are recovering from an affair, and passive aggressive behavior patterns.

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  1. I’m looking for help with the recent discovery of my husband’s bisexuality. Do you have a therapist in MA who specializes in that? And to work through a mixed orientation marriage? Thank you!

  2. My husband and I have been married only a couple weeks and are really struggling. We need help or this is not going to work.

  3. This is such an interesting and informative article. I certainly agree with the statement that heterosexual couples have a lot to learn from the gay couples. Probably, it is due to the fact that they understand each other on gender specific issues, which are usually reasons for conflict in heterosexual relationships. Society on the whole is so unaccepting towards them, that they find more solace in each other. A heterosexual couple does not know what it feels to be continuously judged by people around; they take things for granted, things which a gay couple usually would cherish.

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