What are some specific ways of finding time to connect with each other when you have kids?
Introduction
Finding quality time with your partner when you’re juggling the demands of parenthood can feel like an impossible task. Whether you have toddlers who seem allergic to bedtime or teenagers who never seem to leave the house, maintaining a strong connection with your spouse requires intentional effort and creative planning. Read on to find practical, tested strategies for carving out meaningful couple times while managing the beautiful chaos of family life.
Some couples schedule these get-togethers as they schedule religious education for their kids, sporting practice, or music lessons. Others schedule regular play dates for all the children and schedule their own marital “play date” simultaneously.
For parents of teens, early morning breakfast is often guaranteed private time, but it is less likely for toddlers. This can be reversed in the evening when young children head to sleep, but parents often beat the teen to the pillow. Shut off the TV or other electronic devices and plan a special dinner, outdoor stargazing, or early bedtime (one where sleep isn’t on the agenda).
I’ve even known one couple to set a 2 am alarm for making love because it was the one time they could count on being undisturbed.
More traditional approaches include overnight getaways (Gottman recommends at least three a year), which don’t require expensive accommodations. One couple trades houses for their kid’s “sleepover” parties. The kids love it, and so do the parents.
With a little determination, parents can make having “adult time” a priority. Fantasize how illicit affairs happen, and decide to have one with your spouse: trysts in a nearby hotel for an afternoon delight? “Mental health” days home from work to help each other put your heads back on straight? An early babysitter on weekdays to enjoy a midweek special?
You both want to dedicate yourself to finding these times alone and using them wisely. It shouldn’t be a monthly “state of the union” where you talk about how you are feeling in your marriage or a time to air complaints. Make the majority a special time when you are both on your best behavior, as you would be on a date with a great gal or guy. Show interest, ask good questions, and keep the conversation flowing; avoid “Debbie Downer” conversations.
After these special times, ask yourself if you want to spend more or less time with that date (include yourself in that equation), and if the answer is less, do a “state of the union” conversation to find out what’s happening to your love life.
If any of my ideas sound “too expensive” or not worth the effort, recognize that your marriage is worth the same time and attention you would give your employment, parenting, or a beloved pet. And few things are more expensive to a family than a divorce.
Be in it to win it.
And if you can’t do it on your own, schedule a weekend with one of our over two dozen skilled couples therapists to figure out exactly what to work on and why. Yes, we can tell you that with a science-based approach.
Creating dedicated time for your relationship isn’t just about maintaining romance—it’s about investing in the foundation of your family’s well-being. The strategies shared here range from simple daily moments to planned getaways, offering options that can work for any schedule or budget. Remember that there’s no one-size-fits-all solution; experiment with different approaches until you find what works for your unique family dynamic.
The key is to consistently prioritize these moments of connection, treating them as essential as any other family commitment. Whether you choose early morning coffee dates, midday rendezvous, or midnight adventures, the effort you put into nurturing your relationship today will strengthen your family bonds for years to come.
