A lot of research has demonstrated that online counseling is equally effective as face-to-face counseling in the hands of a skilled psychotherapist who is trained in online work. We also get great results in online counseling for married couples.
Marriage counselors watch your non-verbal
We still prefer face-to-face marriage counseling for specific reasons: You watch faces and breathing when you’re a couples therapist, and sometimes things get lost online. We sometimes have to ask whether someone’s eyes are getting teary (and how awkward is that!)
In person, we feel the tension more efficiently, or a heavy breath is seen or heard instantly. Sometimes, that’s not possible in online work. But we do our best.
Why online counseling intensives for couples may be the preferable choice
However, there are also various reasons why the choice is between Online Counseling for married couples or no couples counseling at all.
- You live in a remote location, and getting anywhere takes a long time.
- You have caretaking responsibilities for children or the elderly, which makes weekly sessions very tough.
- You or your spouse travel a lot, so scheduling a reliable appointment in advance is tricky.
…and the list goes on, including illness, living in a foreign country, being well-known in your community, and needing confidentiality that waiting rooms can’t provide! Online for Married Couples is Different than “An Online Counselor.”
But we would like to caution you that couples counseling, even online, isn’t the same as individual online counseling.
Training
First, the therapists themselves may not be equally trained. As we’ve repeatedly emphasized, couples therapy isn’t just “individual therapy with two people…” no more than espresso is “strong coffee.” Like that dark brew, the “beans” (therapist training) are different to withstand the type of treatment it’s going to undertake.
While many “online therapists” work for innovative, business-savvy IT start-ups, few are trained in couples therapy. Even fewer are trained at the doctoral level, as we are at Couples Therapy Inc.
And we’re professionals who have set our standards of care that go far beyond what someone running an “internet platform” might require.
To work as an independent senior couples therapist at Couples Therapy Inc., you must be trained in at least one evidence-based training modality for couples. As we’ve taken great pains to explain, there are reliable ways you can tell if your therapist is truly a couples counselor or an individual counselor who sees an occasional couple.
Secondly, we expect our professional couples therapists to demonstrate that couples therapy is their passion, not just a passing whim. We hire therapists who have devoted their careers to marriage counseling and sex therapy. Just possessing a license and malpractice insurance isn’t enough to join as one of our Distributed Team.
And we pay them well for that training. And our fees reflect that expertise.
We don’t work with everyone.
We’re not elitist. From clinical experience and common sense, we know that online work isn’t the best way to work with some couples.
We do an extensive couples assessment of your relationship before we start.
We know some psychotherapists jump right in and start working, even online, but that’s not us. We want to know where you have problems and the exact nature of those problems beyond general descriptions such as: “We fight a lot.”
In our assessment of fighting, we need to know:
• Which of the Four Horsemen are you exhibiting?
• What specific social skills to each of you need to acquire?
• How fast do things escalate, and do you have the “repair tools” to de-escalate?
…and much, much, more.
If it were as simple as “We fight too much,” John Gottman wouldn’t have needed 42 years of extensive study of couples. Even as senior clinicians, we wouldn’t need supervision to learn and practice his techniques.
You talk to each other better, just not to us…
Having trained graduate students as marriage and family therapists, you can tell the rookies:
They have the couple talk to the therapist, not to each other.
…and there’s a very good reason why: They’re not sure what to do if a couple’s fight escalates.
When you choose online counseling for your marital problems, make sure you spend most of each session (after the evaluation) talking to each other, not the therapist, about what’s wrong and how to fix it.
The couples therapist has to plan an exit strategy.
After all, the therapist’s job is to put themselves out of a job. If they make themselves central to each discussion, to enable it to go well, they’re making themselves indispensable. And that’s a big, big mistake.
A marriage counselor has to work to get themselves out of the picture.
This is short-term work, not a long-term commitment. We must get in there, make an impact, watch how the two of you run with it, and refine. Then, have you tried it again? We’re finished after a few short months (12-18 sessions usually). And a good portion of those sessions will be in the “after therapy” time frame.
After Therapy is much as 6 months between each session, over a two-year period.
Four Relapse Prevention sessions in total.
- Greet.
- Assess, Assess, Assess
- Intervene
- Watch the Results
- Have the Couple Refine
- Watch the Results.
- repeat
- Terminate Treatment
- Reinforce with Relapse Prevention
Then, go on to the next couple needing our help.
We don’t need to keep you in treatment. And we don’t want you to work only when you’re in front of us. The work happens when you are living your daily life. We’re the ones you see for a “tune up.” We’re not the “engine” of your marriage.
