My girlfriend avoids conflict at all costs, how can I make her feel safe enough to embrace our problems for what they are?
The Hidden Dynamics of Avoiding Conflict
Your situation touches on a common challenge many couples face – the complex dynamic of conflict avoidance in relationships. While your instinct to create a safe space is admirable, let’s dive deeper into why this pattern of conflict avoidance can be more complicated than it first appears.
First, understand that this tendency to avoid conflict likely represents one of your relationship’s “perpetual problems.” These are issues that persist and require ongoing management rather than one-time solutions.
Research shows that nearly 70% of relationship challenges fall into this category. The hard truth is that you can’t simply be “safe enough” or “nice enough” to make this pattern disappear on your own. Responding to conflict can be challenging for someone who’s fearful of it.
How Avoidance Shows Up
Let me paint a picture of how conflict-avoidant behavior typically manifests. Imagine your partner canceling plans at the last minute. She has known about these alternative plans but feared facing potential conflict.
Or perhaps you discover hidden purchases when you find a credit card statement in a drawer. She feared you’d get mad, so you learn about them only after late fees have already impacted your credit score. While she might claim she’s protecting your feelings, the underlying motivation is usually avoiding uncomfortable conversations.
The Trust Factor
The impact of conflict avoidance extends beyond immediate situations. Consider a scenario where your partner receives a holiday card from an ex and disposes of it secretly. While intended to avoid conflict, this behavior often creates more significant trust issues. The core problem isn’t about trust in her faithfulness – it’s about the trustworthiness of her actions.
Understanding Conflict Styles
Understanding different conflict styles is crucial for healthy relationship dynamics. According to relationship expert John Gottman, conflict avoidance is one of three primary styles in managing conflict. When both partners share this tendency, it can paradoxically escalate the intense tensions they’re trying to avoid. This pattern of people-pleasing behavior might stem from various sources: childhood experiences, passive-aggressive strategies, learned coping mechanisms, temperamental preferences, or even past trauma.
You may think it’s just easier to not say anything when either one of you is upset, but research shows that when there is a gradual pattern of conflict avoidance, there is increased emotional distance in the relationship.
– John Gottman, et al. p. 209
The Dance of Avoidant Couples
Let me break down how conflict-avoiding couples can thrive based on relationship expert John Gottman’s fascinating research. These couples have realized they don’t need dramatic heart-to-hearts or heated discussions to have a solid relationship. Instead, they’re like two people doing a careful dance, stepping around issues with a kind of mutual understanding.
They’ve mastered the art of picking their battles and often share this unspoken agreement: “Hey, you’re not perfect, I’m not perfect, and that’s totally okay.” They manage to keep things running smoothly through small gestures, like sharing a knowing look or using gentle humor when things get tense.
But this approach isn’t always smooth sailing. Think about trying to dodge raindrops during a storm – eventually, you will get wet.
When significant life events hit – like deciding where to live, dealing with family drama, or facing financial struggles – these couples might find themselves stuck. Their usual strategy of “let’s just keep the peace” can backfire, leaving both partners feeling lonely or frustrated.
When Avoidance Stops Working
The real challenge is figuring out when to stick with their conflict-avoiding style and when they need to step out of their comfort zone to tackle issues head-on. An incredibly comfortable pair of shoes works great for everyday wear, but sometimes you need different footwear for rough terrain.
Moving Forward: Practical Steps
Creating New Patterns
Rather than addressing each incident individually, focus on the broader pattern. Schedule a calm discussion when there’s no active conflict. Share how these patterns of minimizing, distorting, or concealing information affect your relationship. Be clear that while you’re open to improving how you handle conflict, the responsibility for change doesn’t rest solely on your shoulders.
Building Healthy Conflict Skills
Remember that healthy conflict is possible. Work together to establish new patterns for dealing with conflict that feel safe for both of you. This might mean creating a win-win conflict resolution approach where both partners feel heard and respected.
Consider it a serious warning sign if you don’t see positive changes in how you both approach conflict management.
Looking to the Future
Looking ahead, consider the potential impact of continued conflict avoidance. This pattern could affect major life decisions – from financial choices to parenting decisions. Deep-rooted hurt feelings can develop when important information is consistently withheld or delayed.
If you’ve maintained appropriate responses to disagreements – staying calm and regulated without resorting to punishment or manipulation – then you’ve done your part. The next step in resolving conflicts involves both partners committing to change.
Have an honest conversation about how vital candor is to your future together, then observe if patterns shift. While facing conflict might feel uncomfortable, it’s essential for building lasting relationships. The choice to change ultimately rests with her.
If this pattern persists, you’ll need to decide if this communication style aligns with your vision of an intimate relationship. Whether in work relationships or family members, the ability to handle conflict constructively shapes all our connections. This experience can guide you in recognizing healthy conflict patterns in future relationships.
References
Gottman, J., Schwartz Gottman. J., Abrams, D. & Carlton Abrams, R. (2016). The Man’s Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the Love Lab About What Women Really Want. Harmony/Rodale. Kindle Edition.
