• Be brief and boring. Regular conversations about co-parenting are obviously, unavoidable. Keep your conversations as brief and impersonal as possible. Email and texting provide more control for you. Stick strictly with the topic at hand. If you’re discussing a co-parenting schedule, for example, try to confine your limit your conversation to pick-up and drop-off times.
  • Dress down..look like the loser she believes you to be. Understand that she believes you’re doomed without her. Look disheveled and poorly groomed. Think strategically…and look unappealing.
  • Gray Rock Method comes from the power of understanding exactly who, and what you’re dealing with. Be uninterested…and uninteresting. Expect her to rage…bait you…and escalate. She wants you to display emotion. Be prepared. She will attempt to trigger you. Don’t take the bait.

A friend of mine made a smart move during his divorce from his narcissistic wife. Although the lawyers had worked out a settlement, he asked a friend of his to endorse a check to his soon-to-be ex-wife as a “loan” to him to cover the upfront cash she was expecting from the settlement agreement.

He knew that if he came up with the money promptly, she would drag out the settlement. He knew that she would be delighted that he had to ask his bestie for a loan…so he let her believe that.

Learn More about Gray Rock Method

I love therapists who probe deeply into important topics.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Santa Monica and Sherman Oaks, CA. She’s also a Professor of Psychology at California State University, Los Angeles, where she was named Outstanding Professor in 2012 and was a visiting professor at the University of Johannesburg.

Dr. Ramani was also the national recipient of the American Association of University Women Emerging Scholar Award.

Her work is direct, honest, and she doesn’t mince words. Dr. Ramani has put together an outstanding youtube channel on dealing with narcissists and other personality disorders.

Here is her impressive video on the grey rock technique:

Gray Rocking Invites Your Narcissistic Wife to Seek Drama Elsewhere

Once you’re divorced, your narcissistic wife is someone else’s problem. Outside of unavoidable conversations about your kids, she should be treated like a stranger.

However, there’s a downside to Gray Rock Method. if you’re not careful, it could sap vitality out of other relationships. Remember that gray-rocking is an act, a stance, a way of being grounded in self-protection.

Other relationships in your life deserve more from you. Don’t let your gray-rocking expand into other relationships that might be occasionally conflictual, but reliably safe.

How do I know if my Gray-Rocking is over the top?

  • People you care about tell you that they’re concerned about how disconnected and disengaged you seem.
  • You abbreviate conversation about issues that matter to you with people you trust.
  • You feel increasingly uncomfortable in your gray-rocking efforts.
  • You feel as if you’re losing your identity or self-awareness. If you struggle with implementing Gray Rock Method, see a therapist who can help you establish healthier boundaries.

A Narcissistic Wife may eventually see the wisdom in learning how to calm down when you set firm and non-negotiable limits, and enter therapy for her Narcissistic Personality Disorder…but it’s not likely.

However, while couples therapy is NOT the first place to seek help, Hopeful Spouse Counseling just might be.