Written: May 29, 2018  
Revised 2/12/2025

Marriage is a beautiful journey that brings together two individuals, each with their own unique personalities, habits, and quirks. While it can be a source of immense joy and fulfillment, marriage also comes with its fair share of challenges. Some of these challenges are obvious and easily identifiable, while others are more subtle and insidious, slowly eroding the foundation of the relationship over time. In this article, we will explore some of the toxic behaviors that can silently eat away at the core of a marriage and discuss strategies for overcoming them.

Understanding the toxic dynamics

Communication, vital for marital harmony, often fades because couples become competitive or stop empatheticly listening. Luckily, science-based couples therapy offers practical tools to tackle these issues before they become bigger problems. It sheds light on communication pitfalls and offers solutions.

Acceptance is key. Realizing that not all issues have clear solutions is vital for navigating relationships. Embracing differences, understanding unique behaviors, and setting strong emotional boundaries are crucial for a resilient marriage.

Decoding toxic behaviors

1. Differences in handling emotions lead to misunderstandings.

Men may struggle to deal with negative emotions, inadvertently dismissing their partner’s feelings, sparking cycles of miscommunication. The assumption is that there are “good” feelings and “bad” feelings. Many women don’t make that distinction when it comes to sharing feelings.

2. Being Right vs. Being Married:

Constant correction between spouses fosters unnecessary tension, often driven by insecurity or anxiety. If you find yourself needing to “prove” that you are right, ask yourself why. What would it mean if you were wrong or if each of you saw things differently and “agreed to disagree?”

3. Misusing “Jokes” as Criticism


What starts as playful teasing about your partner’s quirks can slowly turn mean-spirited. Using inside jokes or nicknames referencing their insecurities, even in a “loving” way, plants seeds of shame. When called out, saying, “it’s just our thing” or “you used to laugh about it,” dismisses their changing feelings. This pattern can make your partner feel mocked in what should be their safest relationship.

4. Talking At, Not With:

Overwhelmed by emotions, partners talk ‘at’ each other, fueling resentment and hindering genuine communication. If you find yourself talking at or being talked at, suggest you take turns each saying what you need to say and then switching.

5. Failure to Prioritize Meaningful Conversations:

Juggling individual success often overshadows nurturing the relationship. Allocating time for heartfelt conversations becomes essential, protecting the bond from external pressures. Gottman suggests one hour a week devoted to a “State of the Union” discussion.

6. Rejecting imperfections vs. The power of acceptance

Recognizing that some marital issues aren’t solvable is crucial. Differentiation in couples’ therapy underscores individual uniqueness. Failure to accept this reality erects emotional barriers detrimental to marital happiness. Inconsolability, from an inability to forgive or accept flaws, stifles relational growth.

“A great marriage is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.” – Dave Meurer.

7. Misunderstanding neuroatypicality vs. Understanding differences

Quirks in partners sometimes stem from neuro-atypicality. Science-based couples therapy equips couples with practical strategies to manage these differences, fostering understanding and communication.

8. Not setting firm boundaries

Maintaining firm emotional boundaries shields relationships from external influences. Overcoming family and cultural challenges is easier with the help of couples therapy, preserving the sanctity of the relationship.

9. Not working to preserve intimacy amidst life’s demands

Balancing careers, children, and societal pressures can strain intimacy. Prioritizing ‘couple time’ becomes pivotal, safeguarding the relationship amidst life’s demands.

10. Prioritizing family dynamics over marital dynamics

While cherishing children is crucial, ensuring they don’t dominate the family dynamic is vital for long-term relational health. Modeling healthy intimacy and prioritizing ‘couple time’ are crucial aspects of this balance.

11. Selective Listening During “Boring” Topics


When your partner talks about their interests – like their favorite hobby or work stories – you nod along while checking your phone or thinking about other things. You might think it’s harmless since you’re still physically present. But your partner notices this half-hearted attention, and it slowly erodes their desire to share their life with you. They start keeping their thoughts and experiences to themselves, creating an invisible wall between them.

12. Keeping Score of Small Tasks

It starts innocently – mentally tracking who last cleaned the kitchen or took out the trash. But this habit turns daily life into a competition. Over time, you stop doing things out of love and start doing them to avoid “falling behind” in an imaginary game. This creates resentment, makes both partners feel unappreciated, and turns marriage into a transaction rather than a partnership. When you find yourself thinking “I did X, so they should do Y,” it’s a sign this pattern has taken hold.

13. Using Past Agreement as Forever Permission

Just because your partner was once okay with something doesn’t mean it’s permanently approved. Maybe they used to be fine with you going out every weekend with friends, or working late regularly. But people’s needs and boundaries change. Refusing to revisit and renegotiate these agreements shows a lack of respect for your partner’s evolving needs and can breed deep resentment.

14. Treating Your Partner as Your Emotional Backup Drive

Some people dump all their stress, worries, and negative feelings onto their partner without ever processing these emotions themselves first. While sharing feelings is healthy, constantly offloading your emotional baggage without self-reflection or professional help turns your partner into an unpaid therapist. Over time, this emotional dumping leaves them drained and can make them start avoiding deeper conversations.

15. The Silent Upgrade

Replacing shared items without discussion – like buying a new TV or changing the furniture arrangement – seems minor. But it sends a message that your partner’s input isn’t needed for household decisions. Even if you’re making objectively better choices, excluding them from these decisions chips away at their sense of belonging and equal partnership in the home you share.

16. Storytelling Ownership

Taking over your partner’s stories at social gatherings or correcting their “wrong” details might seem helpful. But repeatedly interrupting or “fixing” their narratives steals their voice and makes them feel like a secondary character in their own experiences. Over time, they may stop sharing stories altogether, feeling like they can’t tell them “right.”

17. Competitive Caretaking

When one partner is sick or struggling, the other sometimes uses it as a chance to prove they’re the “better” spouse. They make a show of their caretaking, expect praise, and bring it up later during arguments. This turns acts of love into power moves and makes the receiving partner feel guilty for needing help rather than supported.

18. Selective Memory in Arguments

Remembering every detail of your partner’s mistakes while conveniently forgetting your own creates an unbalanced relationship narrative. This selective memory makes your partner feel like they’re carrying all the relationship’s failures while your mistakes are minimized or forgotten. It prevents genuine accountability and growth from both sides.

19. Weaponized Independence

Using “I can do it myself” as a way to punish your partner when they don’t meet your expectations pushes them away instead of drawing them closer. Refusing help or connection to prove a point creates a cycle where both partners feel rejected and eventually stop offering support altogether. This false independence builds walls rather than bridges.

20. Love Language Laziness

Learning your partner’s love language isn’t a one-time task. Many couples identify their love languages early on but then get lazy about actually speaking them. They fall back on showing love their own way, expecting their partner just to appreciate the effort. This creates a situation where both partners express love, but neither feels truly loved or understood.

Summary

Navigating the complexities of marriage requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to confront and overcome toxic behaviors. By recognizing these behaviors, seeking help when needed, and prioritizing open and honest communication, couples can build stronger, more resilient relationships that stand the test of time. Remember, a happy and healthy marriage is not one without challenges, but rather one where both partners are committed to facing those challenges together, with love, respect, and understanding.