Navigating friendships after marriage can feel like walking a delicate tightrope, especially when it comes to maintaining platonic relationships with single friends of the opposite sex. If you’re a married person wondering whether it’s appropriate to have single friends, you’re not alone. This common dilemma touches on complex issues of trust, boundaries, and relationship dynamics that many couples face. While there’s no universal answer, understanding how to approach this situation with sensitivity and open communication can help preserve both your marriage and meaningful friendships.
Is it possible for married people to have single friends? In other words, as a married (heterosexual) woman is it ok for me to be friends with a single (heterosexual) man? We have a lot in common but my husband is kind of the jealous type. I don’t want to upset him but I also really enjoy my friend’s company.
Understanding Boundaries in Marriage
If you want to befriend a single man, this is an issue to discuss with your husband. For some couples, there are no relationship rules about this. They can go out, male and female alone, and have a great evening. They can text each other late at night. They can go out drinking together or hang out in one or the other’s apartment freely. They can even remain close to a former boyfriend and hug and kiss good night.
Some relationships go further into a polyamorous or open marriage arrangement.
In other relationships, some or all of these behaviors would be considered inappropriate and emotional or physical betrayal.
I like the late Frank Pittman’s answer to whether a particular behavior is “cheating.” He replied: “Ask your husband or wife.”
In other words, this is an issue you must work out, just the two of you.
Different Types of Relationship Boundaries
I share a few imaginings with couples that help them sort out this problem: I ask them to imagine being on a second-floor window of their home and gazing down at their friend or friends below. There are windows in your house to look out into the outside world, and there are doors that you can open to let people in or lock to keep people out. You can talk together about the people you see outside and how you feel about them.
The problem for many couples is that some relationships create a situation where you and your male friend look up at your husband outside the house. These are the ones that almost always cause the most heartache in monogamous marriages.
Dealing with Jealousy in Marriage
Lovers are sensitive to intrusions into their intimate relationships. They want to be the first person you call when you get good news or bad. They want you to ask THEM for a social event that has meaning to both of you. They often don’t want certain people to hug or kiss you, no matter how “innocent” it appears. And they want you to hear them out and understand where these feelings come from.
Types of Jealousy
Sometimes, jealousy stems from insecurity, and sometimes, it comes from the desire to dominate and control. In other cases, the spouse knows they aren’t being good partners, but they don’t want to make the necessary changes to become one. How you come to some understanding of whether you should keep your single male heterosexual friend will depend upon the type of jealousy you are dealing with.
Managing Opposite-Sex Friendships
I’ve seen this when one person is a runner or engages in a sport and the other does not. If you run with your male friend, your husband will be hard-pressed to be upset that you aren’t running with him, because he has no interest in that type of activity. On the other hand, the issue of how OFTEN you run, how excited you seem to be off running with that other man, how long the run is for, or where you go could all become issues in your marriage. It may sound like the subject is “running,” but it may be your relationship with your male friend.
Finding Common Ground
In some cases, going out, all three of you is a good alternative, however, it doesn’t work in every case. Particularly if your husband senses competition or believes your male friend is sexually interested in you and is waiting for the marriage to end, he may not want to be friends with this man.
In other cases where he senses this competitive situation, he may want to be VERY close to this guy to monitor his intentions. He might want to take up running or that particular sport.
From your partner’s point of view, you may also have a What about Bob? situation. No matter where he suggests you go, you suggest bringing your friend along. Or it seems that way to him.
When to Seek Professional Help
What about you?
Don’t you get to do what you want, or must you be “controlled” by your spouse?
This is not easily answered because I’ve seen cases where the marriage was stretched to the breaking point because the woman’s husband guarded her to the point of being upset if a male coworker approached her desk (he picked her up from work each day) or if the father of a newborn was too friendly at the christening. Her husband had behavior that bordered on OCD and abusive control and anxiety that worked against him in allowing his wife some breathing room. And he wasn’t willing to own his anxiety or his controlling behavior and instead blamed her for being “flirtatious.” That relationship ended because his wife was unwilling to tolerate his abuse.
Another marriage ended in divorce because her husband looked at other women when they were out together. She felt he was being disloyal and rejecting her efforts to be the beautiful and attractive woman she was. It didn’t stop, so she ended the marriage.
So take the time to talk about your relationship with this man with your husband. Be candid. Tell him what type of relationship you want with your friend and hear how he feels about it. It might be a “give and take” situation, or it might be a perpetual issue that exists between you for quite a while. But don’t give up or give in simply because he “doesn’t like it.” If you end up giving up your friend and resenting your husband for it, this may do more harm than good.
Closing
Remember that every marriage is unique; what works for one couple may not work for another. The key isn’t following a rigid set of rules but rather developing mutual understanding and respect with your spouse through honest dialogue. Whether you maintain your friendship with a single person or choose to set different boundaries, the decision should strengthen rather than strain your marriage. If you’re struggling to find common ground on this issue, consider working with a relationship counselor who can help you and your spouse navigate these sensitive discussions while honoring both partners’ feelings and needs.
