Dear Dr. K,
I am in a sexless marriage and I do not love my husband.
Loveless and Longing
Dear Loveless and Longing,
I would not ask you not if you do or do not love your husband. I would ask you if you’re interested in loving your husband, and whether you believe he is a man worthy of fondness and admiration.
If you no longer believe he is worth your fondness and admiration, I would ask you to examine whether that was ever the case and when that changed. There is a saying that in a happy marriage, spouses fall in love with each other again and again.
What they mean by this is that disenchantment is a normal part of a long-term marriage. The happy marriage becomes aware of this disenchantment and makes an effort to turn it around.
Having no sex is a logical outcome of no longer feeling loving feelings towards the man you chose to marry. If you choose to do nothing, this distance will continue to deteriorate your bond.
Many people choose to live in a marriage that is in perpetual limbo: not being willing to actively improve their marriage and not being willing to leave it. It’s a soul killing state, but many people don’t value the emotional and intimate connection that a loving marriage brings. They prefer to stay for pragmatic reasons.
Change is scary because it requires you to become vulnerable to another human being. It sometimes requires the help of an outsider who can see things more clearly than anyone else. This includes therapists who are stuck in an unhappy marriage. Gottman says that an unhappy marriage is “an engrossing state of negativity“ or “a roach motel for lovers: You check in, but you can’t check out.”
Marriages either are in state of revitalization or stagnation. It sounds as if yours has been stagnation, and you have come to the conclusion that it’s dead.
People can choose to love one another. Love is a verb not a noun. It is a fluid state that can be nurtured and brought back to life. But it takes intention and willingness. Without motivation, nothing can or will change.
When I speak to potential clients and one indicates they aren’t sure whether their marriage will survive, my question is “do you want it to?“
If the answer is yes, a marriage, no matter how stagnant or dead can be revitalized by both of you. Horrible acts of betrayal can be healed. Years of a sexless marriage can once again have tenderness and passion. It’s not easy, but it is possible and it’s the work we do every day of the week.
I wish you the best and thank you for writing.
Dr. K
