Dear Dr. K,
My partner is still phoning the person he had an affair with. What do I do?
Hanging Up
Dear Hanging Up,
What do you do? This is an important question, and it will depend upon several factors:
- Whether or not you want to stay in the relationship
- Whether or not your partner wants to stay in the relationship
- Whether your partner is willing to give up his affair partner.
It is not complicated. You have no control over whether he chooses to give up his affair partner. You also have no control over whether he wants to stay with you. You have control over whether you will tolerate being in a relationship with someone in an ongoing affair.
You might insist that you and your partner go into couples therapy. If your partner is interested in ending the affair and preserving his relationship with you, you both will do “affair recovery.”
If your partner is unsure about whether they want to end the affair or end the relationship with you, this is called Discernment Counseling.
If your partner wants to keep the affair going and keep you in the relationship, you must decide whether that is a deal-breaker. If it is, he has a decision to make. If it isn’t, the affair is likely to continue.
One factor to be aware of is how you learned about the affair and all that has transpired. For many relationships, this is the most painful and destructive part of the dynamic. If you found out, perhaps your partner has promised to end the affair, but hasn’t. Maybe he never promised to end it, and you are being reminded of it as he talks to his affair partner in your presence. All of these mean different things about how your partner feels about you.
Most partners are hurt and feel that becoming involved with someone else is a betrayal. It is a further betrayal to be promised that the affair will end and be lied to. While lying on the part of the involved partner is hardly uncommon, knowing that the affair is still going on is a time to be candid and upfront about what your partner wants.
If they can’t or won’t be honest with you, the ball is in your court.
Thank you for writing.
Dr. K
