revised: 9/26/2023
Relationship problems are an inevitable part of married life. Trust issues, sexual problems, or a lack of communication happen occasionally and aren’t red flags on their own. The difference is the extent to which either partners get deeply upset or reactive to the relationship problem.
The heart of every relationship holds both joy and challenge. Trust issues, sexual problems, mental health struggles, and communication barriers are part of many couples’ journeys. What truly matters isn’t the presence of these challenges but how partners navigate them together. Some couples draw closer through difficulty, while others drift apart – the difference often lies in how they respond to each other’s pain.
Think of relationship problems as messages from the heart. Even seemingly trivial disagreements – like fighting over the TV remote – often symbolize deeper needs for power, control, and decision-making influence. As renowned researcher John Gottman observed, when asked what couples fight about, he answered “Nothing,” understanding that our conflicts are rarely about their surface triggers.
Instead, they are about feeling heard, respected, and valued.
“Learning how to help couples navigate problems” is the work of couples therapy. This involves helping the couple without harming either individual’s “enduring vulnerabilities.” These vulnerabilities are often rooted in childhood experiences and past relationships, making them particularly sensitive and worthy of gentle attention.
The first common marital problem: an inability to manage conflict effectively
• Letting emotions spiral out of control without pause or reflection
• Dismissing your partner’s emotional reality or making them feel unheard
• Staying rigid in your position without considering your partner’s perspective
The Dance of Conflict
Managing conflict is more than just communication – it’s an emotional dance between partners. When couples enter therapy, they often believe they need to learn to argue better. What they actually need is to learn to connect better. The real challenge isn’t in the words we choose but in our ability to remain emotionally present when tensions rise.
Signs that conflict has become toxic include:
- Hearts racing and voices rising without pause for reflection
- Making a partner’s feelings seem small or unimportant
- Refusing to see beyond our own perspective
Science tells us that when our heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute during conflict (85 beats for athletes), we lose access to our rational thinking. This is why couples therapy often focuses on recognizing these physiological signals and learning to pause before emotions overwhelm reason.
Read Fights About Nothing for more information on ineffective fighting styles.
The Second: The Emotional Starvation Cycle
One of the most painful patterns in relationships is the gradual withdrawal of emotional and physical intimacy. It often begins subtly – a missed conversation here, a rejected embrace there. Work, children, hobbies, and daily responsibilities gradually fill the space where connection once lived.
This emotional drought can show up as:
- Lives that run parallel but rarely intersect meaningfully
- Physical intimacy becoming rare or mechanical
- Conversations that stay surface-level, avoiding deeper waters
- Individual goals taking precedence over shared dreams
The challenge isn’t just about making time for each other – it’s about maintaining emotional presence when you’re together. Many couples discover they’ve become excellent co-parents or business partners while losing their connection as lovers and friends.
Read Emotional Distance in Marriage to learn about emotional distance.
Third: Power Struggles and Their Hidden Meanings
Perhaps the most complex dance in relationships revolves around power and control. These struggles rarely announce themselves clearly – instead, they hide in arguments about money, parenting decisions, or family traditions.
The signs of unhealthy power dynamics often include:
- Using financial control as emotional leverage
- Restricting a partner’s independence or growth
- Treating differences as defects rather than diversity
- Making decisions unilaterally rather than collaboratively
These patterns are particularly painful because they often echo earlier wounds. When someone grows up feeling powerless, even small challenges to their autonomy can trigger deep distress.
Scientific assessment instruments (such as those in the BIG BIG Book) can help identify these destructive patterns. We can also suggest alternative ways to get help, such as individual psychotherapy.
Extremely manipulative and controlling spouses are so toxic that there is little even science-based couples therapy can do. Many couples therapists will discover these disturbing and severe relationship problems and patterns in session.
The Four Horsemen of Relationship Distress
Gottman’s research identified four communication patterns that predict relationship failure with startling accuracy. These aren’t just bad habits – they’re relationship poisons that slowly erode trust and connection:
- Criticism has evolved from occasional complaints into character assassination
- Contempt masks deep hurt beneath a veneer of superiority
- Defensiveness builds walls where bridges need to be
- Stonewalling freezes conflicts in painful silence
In one of John Gottman’s books, he summarizes four ways of interacting, which can quickly erode positive feelings and mutual respect.
Watch this video to learn more:
When to seek professional help
If you drove up the same dirt driveway for years, taking the same route each time, you would create ruts. The more you drove in those ruts, the deeper the ruts would become over time. Eventually, the ruts would become so deep that it would be difficult to drive any other way.
It would become more challenging to turn the wheel left or right, harder to drive up a different way, and more expensive to repair that road.
Signs it’s time to seek help:
- When distance feels like a growing canyon between you
- When resentment lingers longer than love
- When old patterns feel like prison walls
- When you can’t remember the last time you felt truly connected
The good news is that many couples who seek help discover they haven’t lost their foundation – they’ve just lost their way back to each other. Science-based couples therapy provides a map for return and tools to build new paths forward.
Relationship problems aren’t a sign of failure – they’re an invitation to grow closer through understanding and intentional care. The couples who thrive aren’t the ones without problems; they’re the ones who learn to face their challenges together, turning moments of conflict into opportunities for deeper connection.
Seeking help isn’t admitting defeat – it’s choosing hope. Ultimately, every relationship problem presents two paths: one leading to distance, the other to deeper understanding. The choice of which path to take is yours to make every single day.