When we deal with betrayal, couples often want to know, “Which gender is more loyal in a relationship?” I understand the desire for a simple answer—we all want predictability in matters of the heart. But after thirty years of counseling couples, I suggest you read this.
Loyalty Is Not About Gender: Recent Research Reveals the Truth
I understand why people ask. We all want to know what to expect from our partners.
After helping many couples for over thirty years, I have learned something important. Using gender to predict loyalty is not the right approach. It misses the real issue.
The truth about who stays faithful has much more to do with how we form attachments than whether we’re male or female. Research shows that our early life experiences affect our loyalty more than our gender does.
What Loyalty Research Shows
Recent studies have moved beyond simple male-female comparisons when studying relationship loyalty. The World Economic Forum reports that relationship patterns are shaped more by society’s expectations than by natural gender differences. Both men and women struggle with staying connected depending on their environment.¹
What matters most for loyalty isn’t gender but attachment style. As I tell couples at our retreats, knowing your attachment patterns reveals more about your relationship than gender assumptions.²
The Attachment-Loyalty Connection: What I See in Therapy
In my practice, I’ve seen gender assumptions made and broken. Last month, a couple I’ll call James and Elise came to one of our intensive couples retreat convinced that men were “naturally less loyal.”
We found that James had a dismissive-avoidant attachment style during our work together. This made him emotionally distant and uncomfortable with closeness. This wasn’t because he was male but because of his childhood experiences.
Studies confirm that people with this attachment style often value independence over emotional connection, regardless of gender.³ Research from 2024 showed that avoidant attachment patterns were linked to less emotional expression in both men and women.⁴ The connection was slightly stronger in men, but present across genders.
Elise’s anxious attachment style made her afraid of abandonment. She always watched for signs of James’s loyalty. We often mistake these attachment behaviors for gender traits when they’re actually rooted in our earliest relationships.⁵
The Many Faces of Loyalty in Relationships
Research shows that loyalty goes far beyond just sexual faithfulness. Recent studies have identified several different types of loyalty that each contribute to relationship health.6
Sexual Loyalty: Just One Part of Relationship Faithfulness
Sexual exclusivity gets talked about the most, but it’s just one type of relationship loyalty. In my practice, I have seen couples experience deep distress even when they did not cross any sexual boundaries.
Take Claire and Michael, who came to therapy after three years of marriage. Neither had been sexually unfaithful, yet Michael felt deeply betrayed. Why? Claire had been hiding major financial decisions, including a credit card with lots of debt. This shows a different type of loyalty issue.
Financial Loyalty: Hidden Money Problems
New research from Northeastern University defines “financial infidelity” as “hiding financial behavior you expect your partner wouldn’t approve of.”¹⁷ This includes secret spending, hidden accounts, or undisclosed debt.
The impact of financial dishonesty can hurt as much as sexual cheating. Research from 2023 found that people who hide financial information are 458% more likely to hide other things in their relationships.¹⁸ Financial betrayal often reveals deeper trust issues.
Emotional Loyalty: The Foundation of Trust
Emotional loyalty means keeping proper boundaries in your connections with others. This includes avoiding inappropriate emotional intimacy that should be reserved for your primary partner.
Partners might share deeply personal details about their relationships with casual friends or work colleagues. These might include:
- discussing vulnerabilities,
- dreams, and
- relationship problems.
These actions create emotional disloyalty that damages their primary relationship, even though they have crossed no physical boundaries.
Psychological Loyalty: Supporting Your Partner’s Well-being
Psychological loyalty means consistently acting to support your partner’s emotional health and dignity. Research shows that behaviors like:
- public humiliation,
- constant criticism, or
- dismissing a partner’s feelings
are serious loyalty breaches that can hurt relationships as much as more obvious betrayals.¹⁹
I remember working with a couple where one partner regularly made belittling comments about the other at parties. This behavior is not usually called “cheating,” but it was a big breach. It broke the trust that healthy relationships need.
Communication Loyalty: Respecting Relationship Boundaries
A long-term study of couples found that how partners discuss their relationship with others affects its stability.²⁰ Some couples discuss relationship problems with friends before they address them with their partner. Others fail to defend their partners when others mock or criticize them. These things break communication loyalty.
Maria and Jonathan came to therapy not because either had been sexually unfaithful but because of communication disloyalty. Maria regularly discussed their intimate relationship problems with her mother and siblings before talking to Jonathan. This breach of communication loyalty had damaged Jonathan’s trust just as severely as a physical affair might have.
The Cultural Context of Loyalty
The ALIGN Platform’s 2023 research highlights how cultural shifts and changing gender norms significantly impact relationships across different societies.⁷ These norms are undergoing big changes. Nevertheless, their findings showed that traditional gender stories still influence how loyalty is viewed and valued,
This cultural programming runs deep. It often operates below our awareness until we intentionally examine it. When couples see how culture has influenced their loyalty expectations, they can create real connections. These connections can focus on their unique needs instead of traditional gender roles.
Building Loyalty Beyond Gender: Practical Approaches
The strongest current research indicates that secure attachment can be developed at any age through intentional practice. Recent studies show that about 50 to 60 percent of people have a secure attachment style. This style offers good potential for healing insecure attachment patterns through relationships with secure partners.⁹
In our intensive retreats, we focus on four evidence-based practices that go beyond gender stereotypes:
- Emotional Attunement Training: Based on the latest attachment research, we guide couples to recognize and respond to each other’s emotional needs. This creates a security that strengthens loyalty regardless of gender.¹⁰
- Metacommunication Practice: Recent studies show that discussing communication patterns helps couples understand loyalty signals that might otherwise be misinterpreted through gender stereotypes.¹¹
- Narrative Reconstruction: We help couples identify and rewrite harmful stories about gender and loyalty that they may have unconsciously absorbed from society.¹²
- Attachment Healing: Using techniques based on the latest brain research, we create experiences that help partners develop more secure attachment patterns.¹³
A Personal Note on Loyalty
As a therapist for over 30 years, I have helped many couples. I have seen how much we all want loyalty, regardless of gender. What differs is how we express and perceive it.
Last summer, I worked with an older couple who had been married for 40 years. The husband, with tears in his eyes, described how his wife had stood by him through cancer treatment. “She never missed a single appointment – that’s loyalty.” His wife smiled and said, “For me, loyalty was how he listened to my fears every night, even when he was the one who was sick.”
This moment showed what research consistently confirms: loyalty transcends gender. It comes from secure attachment, emotional connection, and consistent care. These qualities are available to all of us regardless of gender identity.¹⁴
Experience Transformation at Our Intensive Couples Retreats
If you’re struggling with questions like “who is more loyal, male or female, in a relationship,” our science-based intensive couples retreats can help. We help you move beyond stereotypes to build true connections.
Recent research supports the effectiveness of concentrated therapeutic work that addresses attachment patterns and emotional bonds.¹⁵ Our approach integrates the latest research to help you build a relationship defined by mutual loyalty and deep connection. You deserve a relationship that goes far beyond simplistic gender assumptions.
Availability for our upcoming intensive couples retreats across the USA is limited. Contact us today to reserve your date and begin your journey toward a relationship defined by authentic loyalty and lasting love.
References
¹ World Economic Forum. (2024). Global Gender Gap Report 2024. Retrieved from https://www.weforum.org/publications/global-gender-gap-report-2024/digest/
² Exploring the Association between Attachment Style, Psychological Well-Being, and Relationship Status in Young Adults and Adults. (2023). PubMed Central. Retrieved from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10047625/
³ Exploring the Association between Attachment Style, Psychological Well-Being, and Relationship Status in Young Adults and Adults. (2023). PubMed Central. Retrieved from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10047625/
⁴ Attachment, emotion regulation, and well‐being in couples: Intrapersonal and interpersonal associations. (2024). PubMed Central. Retrieved from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7383855/
⁵ Attachment-Related Differences in Emotion Regulation in Adults: A Systematic Review on Attachment Representations. (2023). PubMed Central. Retrieved from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10296607/
⁶ Vollmann, M., Sprang, S., & van den Brink, F. (2023). Adult attachment and relationship satisfaction: The mediating role of gratitude toward the partner. SAGE Journals. Retrieved from https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0265407519841712
⁷ Gender norms: 12 insights from 2023, and what to look out for in 2024. (2024). ALIGN Platform. Retrieved from https://www.alignplatform.org/resources/gender-norms-12-insights-from-2023
⁸ Analysis: The unexpected gender dynamic shaping the 2024 election. (2024). CNN Politics. Retrieved from https://www.cnn.com/2024/10/01/politics/trump-women-protector-gender-divide-analysis/index.html
⁹ Attachment Styles and How They Affect Adult Relationships. (2023). HelpGuide. Retrieved from https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/attachment-and-adult-relationships
¹⁰ Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. R. (2019). Attachment as an Organizational Framework for Research on Close Relationships. Psychological Inquiry, 5(1), 1-22.
¹¹ Tartakovsky, E. (2023). The psychology of romantic relationships: motivations and mate preferences. Frontiers in Psychology. Retrieved from https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1273607/full
¹² Exploring the Association between Adult Attachment Styles in Romantic Relationships, Perceptions of Parents from Childhood and Relationship Satisfaction. (2023). Scientific Research Publishing. Retrieved from https://file.scirp.org/Html/6-8202945_47883.htm
¹³ Gender differences in the relationship between attachment styles, self-esteem and online deception: A mediation model. (2023). ScienceDirect. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2666915323002172
¹⁴ Longitudinal Associations among Relationship Satisfaction, Sexual Satisfaction, and Frequency of Sex in Early Marriage. (2023). PubMed Central. Retrieved from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4472635/
¹⁵ Couples’ sexual communication and dimensions of sexual function: A meta-analysis. (2023). PubMed Central. Retrieved from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6699928/
¹⁶ The psychology of romantic relationships: motivations and mate preferences. (2023). PubMed Central. Retrieved from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10713733/
¹⁷ Nikolova, H. (2024). How Financial Infidelity Can Harm Relationships. Northeastern University. Retrieved from https://news.northeastern.edu/2024/09/13/financial-infidelity-research/
¹⁸ Flirtatious behavior predicts a 458% higher likelihood of engaging in financial deception and extramarital infidelity, study finds. (2023). PsyPost. Retrieved from https://www.psypost.org/flirtatious-behavior-predicts-a-458-higher-likelihood-of-engaging-in-financial-deception-and-extramarital-infidelity-study-finds/
¹⁹ Well-Being and Romantic Relationships: A Systematic Review in Adolescence and Emerging Adulthood. (2023). PubMed Central. Retrieved from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6650954/
²⁰ Rokach, A., & Chan, S.H. (2023). Love and Infidelity: Causes and Consequences. PubMed Central. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10002055/
