Your Inbox Intensive

Softened start ups

The way you start a conversation predicts how it will end over 90% of the time, according to a six-year research study. Saying tough things in a marriage is very important, but how you do it is equally essential. Those first 3 minutes of your conversation will lead you to a productive exchange or greater frustration and anger. 

The choice is yours. 

Start out hostile and critical and end with defensiveness and reflected anger. Criticism begets defensive criticism. Contempt begets contempt.

Softened Startups demand that we take our complaints seriously enough that we start them in the most effective way possible. If we have something challenging to say, consider how we’re going to say it. Consider the impact it will have on our partner. Pick a time when both of you are rested and well-fed.

And talk about yourself, and your own feelings, not about your partner and their shortcomings.

We’ve learned that there is no such thing as “constructive criticism.” 

All criticism is hurtful. Don’t look for who’s at fault and don’t accuse or blame. Be upset, if you are upset, or frustrated if you are frustrated, but keep in mind that your partner is imperfect, just as you are. 

And people, as a group, are annoying. That’s not the problem. The problem is that we believe that we, ourselves, shouldn’t ever have to be annoyed, and that’s just unreasonable.

Couples Therapy Inc. has created a greater structure for making complaints. Learn these six steps. When you have them down, feel free to improvise. The important point is to complain and to complain often! It’s important to express your frustrations and even anger but do so productively instead of destructively.