Dear Dr. K,
My spouse routinely does not share important information with me. It mainly relates to our teenage son. The son perceives that he will get a different answer from his dad than me, so he has started going to him and sharing information that we should both know about (ie, his desire to “opt out’ of am upcoming school activity in favor of doing a preferred something else).
My spouse comes from a broken home, in which his mom routinely “badmouthed” his dad. So he sadly has a tendency to also want to first “blame” or lash out at others when or if something goes wrong. He also recently has started criticizing me and my relationship style, which is more expressive, direct and communicative than his. But he only has negative things to say about my style.
Further since he found this book and “decided” that I fit some negative profile, he has moved out of our room and made it so I have to approach him about everything related to our lives. He has never been a good decision maker, but now it is like he is “punishing” me on top of everything else. He is an avid reader, but doesn’t seem to want to partake in reading parenting books with me or really listening to me, when I point out that I don’t completely “subscribe” to this negative personality profile he read about. Thanks for reading!
Sidelined and Silenced Spouse
Dear Sidelined and Silenced Spouse,
OK. You tossed a lot at me in this one, but let me take a shot at it. There is technically nothing you can do if your husband decides to triangulate. Triangulating is when in this case, a parent sides with one child over his spouse.
Your son likely thinks it’s great if he can get away with more, by consulting with his dad, and it appears to support your husband‘s belief that your problematic personality doesn’t serve you as a parent.
Recognize that you’re licked on that subject, and make a point of trying to work on your marriage.
There is a saying that “a fish dies from the head down.” In this case, the head of your fish is your Marriage. Your children are riding on your capacity to have a better relationship with your spouse.
From what you say, your spouse has decided that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. If I were you, and I wanted to preserve my marriage and improve it, without seeking professional help, the first thing I would do is this:
- Get from him a detailed inventory of exactly the features in this book is reading that resemble you. Take notes.
- Have him be very specific about the things that you have done over the last say two weeks, that resemble this personality disorder. Instead of focusing on how it is not true, try and focus on how it is true.
- Next, ask him if he would be willing to point out to you, whenever he notices this negative behavior from you. This way you can get a clear understanding of exactly what you’re doing that he finds upsetting or offensive.
As a side note, people with personality disorders in general are rather blind to their faults and weaknesses. Moreover, they tend to be very defensive and refuse to entertain the idea that anything is wrong with them. Your sincere interest in finding out what he’s unhappy with (that you’re actually physically doing) is itself an indication that you likely are not personality disordered.
Everyone should stop using history from their spouse’s family of origin or diagnostic language to pathologize the other.
Even clinical psychologists should avoid making those kinds of diagnoses in their own relationships. You can’t make those diagnoses from inside marriage. That’s only something that a trained professional after an extensive assessment can do from the outside. So stop doing it.
.By moving out of your bedroom, your husband is clearly indicating his intention to distance himself from his responsibilities as a husband. If you love him, and you want to preserve the marriage, you must be the one to make the first move.
Now is not the time to expect behavior change on his part. Neither is it the time to point out to him that his childhood has created these flaws in him.
Unless you consider him to be a terrible parent who will emotionally harm his son, I would let his withholding on that subject go for now.
Start to ask him casually about his own life, the day-to-day issues that he’s facing, and try and be a friend. This is what has clearly broken down between the two of you: you’re no longer friends.
If things don’t soften between the two of you, I would suggest that you seek goat professional help. Don’t let this go.
Thank you for your comments.
Dr. K
