David sat in my office during the individual session time everyone has over an intensive couples therapy weekend. He was struggling to understand why his relationship with Iman was falling apart.
“I love her so much,” he said, his voice heavy with emotion, “but every time we get close, I find myself pulling away. When she tries to comfort me, I feel trapped. When she gives me space, I feel abandoned. I don’t understand why I can’t just be normal with her.”
Like many survivors of childhood trauma, David faced challenges that started long before he met Iman. Some estimates say that more than two-thirds of children in the United States experience this trauma.
- David grew up with a father who had strong emotions.
- His mother was often distant.
- Because of this, he learned early that love was not reliable.
- He also realized that love often came with conditions.
Now, at 32, these early experiences were shadowing his adult relationship.
The Dance of Connection and Distance
“Sometimes I see Iman reach out to touch my shoulder, and I flinch,” David explained to me. “She’s never hurt me, but my body reacts before my mind can process what’s happening. Then I see the pain in her eyes, and I hate myself for causing it.”
During Iman’s one-on-one time, she shared her thoughts: “I love David deeply. But sometimes, loving him feels like navigating an invisible maze.”
One day, he’s incredibly close and affectionate; the next, he’s distant and unreachable. I never know which David I’m going to get, and it’s exhausting. But I also see how much he’s hurting, and I want to understand and help.”
I explained to them both that David’s reactions were common among people who experienced childhood trauma. When trauma involves emotional abuse long term, people develop insecure attachments. “What you’re describing, David, is your attachment system at work. Our brains develop certain protective patterns when we grow up in unpredictable environments.”
How does Childhood Trauma Affect Relationships? Understanding the Patterns
As David and Iman learned more about childhood trauma, they began to recognize the patterns in their relationship. David’s tendency to withdraw wasn’t a conscious choice—it was a survival mechanism he’d developed in childhood. His father’s unpredictable outbursts and his mother’s emotional distance had taught him that closeness wasn’t safe.
“I never considered my childhood ‘traumatic,'” David admitted. “I mean, my father never hit me. He would just hit a wall or slammed doors.
My mother was there physically. We had food on the table. But Dr. K, you’ve helped me understand that trauma isn’t just about physical or sexual abuse.”
“Yes,” I agreed. “Childhood trauma can include emotional neglect, witnessing domestic tension, unpredictable environments, and the absence of emotional safety. These experiences with family members shape how we view relationships and love.”
The Impact on Adult Love: Being Married to Someone with Childhood Trauma
For Iman, understanding the impact of childhood trauma helped her make sense of David’s seemingly contradictory behaviors. These included his worried texts when she was out with friends. This was followed by days of emotional distance. He had a strong need for reassurance but could not accept comfort when she offered it.
“I used to take it personally,” Iman shared. “I thought I was doing something wrong, or that David didn’t genuinely love me.” Now I understand that when he pulls away, it’s not about me—it’s about pain that goes back years before we met.”
David’s experience reflected a typical pattern among trauma survivors. His attachment style—fearful-avoidant—meant he both craved and feared intimate connection. During the intensive, I explained that this was one of several ways childhood trauma could affect adult relationships:
1. Trust Issues: Difficulty believing in the consistency of love
2. Emotional Regulation: Struggles with managing intense feelings
3. Communication Patterns: Challenges in expressing needs and emotions
4. Trauma Triggers: Reactions to situations that remind them of past hurt
5. Intimacy Fears: Difficulty with emotional and physical closeness
The Journey of Healing
When people suffer from trauma, couples therapy is often the first stop in the healing journey, but it can’t be the last. Individual therapy is necessary to heal complex trauma. The spouse, Iman, can’t be both an intimate partner and a therapist figure.
David found a therapist who specialized in attachment injuries. He worked hard in his sessions over the next few months, and it paid off.
“Last week changed everything,” David shared during an online monthly couples therapy session six months into his individual therapy. “Iman and I had an argument—nothing major, just about dinner plans. But instead of shutting down like I usually do, I remembered what we learned about trauma responses.
I told her I felt overwhelmed and was starting to flood. I needed the 20 minutes to calm down. When I came back, we actually discussed it.
Iman smiled. “It was different. Before, these moments would spiral into days of distance. This time, we moved through it together.”
I explained that this was a crucial part of healing from childhood trauma in relationships:
- Recognizing triggers and patterns
- Learning to communicate about emotional needs
- Building trust gradually through consistent support
- Developing new coping strategies
- Creating safety in the relationship
Practical Steps in Their Healing Process
David and Iman’s path to healing included several key elements:
For David:
- Individual trauma therapy to process traumatic experiences
- Learning emotional regulation techniques
- Practicing vulnerability in safe situations
- Recognizing and communicating his triggers
- Building self-awareness about his attachment patterns
- Build new patterns in his romantic relationship
For Iman:
- Understanding trauma responses
- Learning how to provide support without enabling
- Learning to ask and expect her own emotional needs to be met
- Developing her own emotional boundaries
- Practicing patience while maintaining self-care
- Participating in couples therapy to strengthen their connection
Creating New Patterns Together
Over time, David and Iman developed their own language for navigating difficult moments. When David felt overwhelmed, he would say, “I’m feeling small right now”—a signal that he needed space but wasn’t rejecting Iman. When Iman felt shut out, she would say, “I’m here when you’re ready,”—acknowledging his need for space while making clear her presence.
In Gottman’s language, we would call that “small feeling,” “flooding.”
They created routines that helped build security in their relationship:
- Regular check-ins about emotional needs
- Scheduled date nights to maintain a connection
- Clear communication about triggers and boundaries
- Joint activities that fostered safe intimacy
- Shared relaxation practices like evening walks
The Transformation
After a year of therapy, David and Iman’s relationship improved. They attended sessions both individually and as a couple. Their bond became stronger and more secure. “We still have challenges,” Iman shared, “but now we have the tools to work through them together.”
David added, “For the first time in my life, I understand that love doesn’t have to hurt. Trusting, being vulnerable, and letting someone in are all okay. Healing is possible when you’re willing to do the work and have the right support.”
Hope for Others
Their story illustrates what research has shown: while childhood trauma can significantly impact adult relationships, healing is possible. Through understanding, professional support, and commitment to growth, couples can:
- Build stronger connections
- Develop secure attachment patterns
- Create healthy relationship dynamics
- Foster emotional intimacy
- Establish lasting trust and safety
David and Iman’s journey offers hope for those struggling with similar challenges. “The hardest part was starting,” David reflected. “But once we understood what was happening and had the right support, everything began to change.”
Challenges to Healing
David did not realize that his early relationships with his parents affected his adult relationship with Iman. However, this is not always true for everyone. In many cases, a trauma survivor knows about their past. However, they fear rejection or stigma if their partner learns details about these experiences.
They can fear being labeled as responsible for the abuse, broken, or “bad.” The more you hold back and keep your past a secret, the more fear you create. You worry that if your partner learns about your history, they might leave you.
And some partners are resentful. Many people have been lied to and kept at a distance for years or even decades. They have faced emotional withholding and may have been emotionally starved or abused. This happens as survivors repeat patterns they learned earlier in life.
Some spouses, however, are also relieved to begin, finally, to understand the underlying meaning of hurtful behavior. They are reassured that there is a path forward. When they are educated about childhood abuse, they can be empathetic and supportive.
For other partners, however, too much damage has been done. They have remained in the dark for so long that, itself, feels like a betrayal.
For some couples, the survivor may struggle to believe they deserve or can trust any close relationship. Instead, they never fully commit to it or sabotage it. Ending a potentially healthy relationship can feel like the safest choice. It helps protect us from more pain.
Refusing to share your deepest thoughts and feelings can harm your relationships. Keeping your “options open” and having one foot out the door creates a lot of pressure.
The Problem Working Alone Solely in Individual Therapy
Many trauma-informed therapists work with clients in individual treatment alone. They often do not see support groups or couples therapy as helpful adjuncts for care. These close partnerships suffer when therapists do not view a couple’s relationship as helpful for their patient.
I’ve interacted with individual therapists who have adopted an insensitive “the partner will just have to wait” attitude.
These clinicians have a solid clinical bond with their survivor client. Nevertheless, the left-out member of the partnership can grow resentful.
Many live in a prolonged state of involuntary celibacy. Others suffer or inflict emotional or even physical abuse that can’t be ignored. In some cases, the trauma survivor may have been emotionally or sexually involved with others, damaging a fragile bond.
While a survivor develops an essential therapeutic relationship with the therapist, couples therapy can act as a living laboratory. When attachment fears arise, the couple can learn new ways to relate and revise destructive patterns. The couple, together, can replace withdrawal with attachment, hostility with affection, and fears of being sexual with intimate bonding.
Managing Emotional Dysregulation
Troubled families often do not teach children how to recognize their feelings. They also struggle to learn how to express and manage these feelings in positive ways. As a result, survivors often have trouble containing chaotic, dysregulated, or overwhelming emotional responses and experience intense anger or hopelessness.
However, safety and stabilization must be paramount. If any violence or abuse is present, this must be assessed individually. Some relationships have been deeply troubled for a long time. Because of this, there is little left to save.
Traumatic Reactions and Posttraumatic Reactions
Traumatic reactions like flashbacks, emotional numbing, or dissociation can be confusing to both partners. These can appear suddenly and unexpectedly, intruding upon everyday disagreement to an alarming degree.
A good analogy could be a child playing with a puppy. No child likes to be nipped, but if the child understands puppy behavior, they can gently correct and redirect the puppy. But if a large dog once mauled a child, these gentle nips can be seen as violent and painful. This child can’t be expected to easily correct and redirect without a lot of help.
With traumatic history, this help includes teaching strategies and skills to counteract the tendency to see these traumatic reactions. The first step is understanding why normal emotions (the puppy nipping) can be viewed as too dangerous and uncontrollable. Then, one must learn to anticipate, interrupt, and control these reactions.
In our analogy, a traumatized child learns to understand their intense fear when the puppy nips. They find helpful ways to redirect the puppy. They also learn to stop when their feelings of fear or anger become too strong.
For the couple, the survivor learns why they have difficulty trusting, accepting assistance, speaking up appropriately, or making complaints. Together, the couple develops rituals of attachment, turning toward one another and navigating disagreements that work for both.
Finding Your Path to Healing
If you recognize yourself or your relationship in this story, remember:
- You’re not alone in this experience
- Your reactions make sense, given your history
- Healing is possible with proper support
- Professional help can make a difference
- Both partners deserve support in the journey
Healing from childhood trauma in relationships is not always a straight path. However, couples can create the loving and secure relationships they deserve with commitment, support, and understanding.
