Dear Dr. K,
My husband and I struggle and we have our whole marriage of now 17 years. There are still good times but one of our biggies issues is communication. He is extremely hard to talk to and goes on the defense super quickly. No matter what I say it doesn’t seem to help him see my point of view, he will continue to say the same thing and we get nowhere. It’s like he isn’t even hearing what I’m saying instead thinking of how to respond. It’s very frustrating especially when I’m trying to get something resolved.
He rarely sees where he is at fault until the next morning when he apologizes and is easier to talk to for some reason. But anytime the actual argument happens it never goes well. He’s defensive and sarcastic, when I’m trying to explain the situation or how I feel while he continues to disregard what I’m saying. He plays the victim a lot saying like “I’m the bad guy” or something like that. Thank you for listening!
Weary of Walls in Wedlock
Dear Weary of Walls in Wedlock,
Believe it or not, this pattern of defensive behavior is extremely common. According to John Gottman, defensiveness is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. We see it in all marriages, but we see more of it in a troubled marriage.
It sounds as if your husband may initially respond to your concerns as if you are saying, “Look at what you did! It’s all your fault! You’ll have to fix it!”
It doesn’t sometimes matter how sweetly you say it or how much you use the word “we” as you describe the problem. Often, these folks have critical parents who blame the child frequently, and the defensiveness becomes a bad habit.
He first needs to understand what defensiveness is and learn about the antidote.
The antidote is to find something your partner has said you can agree with. When you listen for something you can agree with your spouse on, the conversation goes much more smoothly.
When you respond by saying something like, “I can see your point about XY or Z,” you signal your partner that you’re listening. That, by itself, often improves disagreements between couples.
I would also learn the difference between discussing perpetual and solvable issues. Before the conversation starts, this will help you decide whether the goal is problem-solving or a deeper understanding of where each of you is coming from.
You have identified an interesting pattern, which is certainly worth exploring. After doing the things I’ve listed above, I might be tempted to say to your husband, “I’d like to talk to you tomorrow about this thing. Can you please grab a pad of paper so I can sketch out what I want to talk about with you?”
If he begins to argue with you, reiterate that you don’t want to discuss it now but would like to discuss it later. Tell him you really appreciate him for being willing to be your sounding board and note-taker.
Explicit expressions of appreciation are the lifeblood of the defensive spouse. I might be tempted to suggest that you find one thing to express your appreciation about each and every day. Of course, I would like to suggest that every couple do the same thing. I have never met a spouse complaining that their partner too often compliments and appreciates them.
This will give him an entire evening to reflect upon the issues that you have raised and perhaps to have some thoughtful insight into the problems that you have posed.
While I don’t doubt your version of the story that the way you come across is not the problem, I would encourage everyone, especially women (who complain 80% of the time), to learn the difference between a complaint and a criticism.
It would be helpful for both of you to learn the difference so that your husband can clearly identify when you are criticizing him versus when you are simply complaining.
I would also add to any of my male readers that complaining is something you should be hoping for regularly from your spouse. When a woman stops complaining in a marriage, it is an extremely bad sign that a husband should quickly try to change. It means that she is withdrawing from you.
We want both spouses in a marriage to be very close to what Gottman calls “poop in the pipes” of their sound relationship house. Poop can be anything from unspoken resentments, hurt feelings, frustrations with the other person’s behavior, upset that you aren’t going out more often, or anything else that remains unspoken or unresolved between the two of you.
The easiest way that many can determine whether there is poop in the pipes is the six-second kiss. While some couples can separate their sexual life from the rest of their marriage, most of us can’t.
So, as a result, when our spouse wants to kiss us in the kitchen or as a way to say goodbye, in a long and passionate kiss, these resentments arise and prevent us from “getting into it.” It is never the right moment for a tender exchange between the two of you when there’s poop in the pipe. People become more edgy and irritable with each other, and temper flare quicker when there’s poop in the pipe.
So, while my response here was rather lengthy, I wish to sum it up this way:
1. Learn how to fight and talk together about defensiveness is and how it shows up in Marriage.
2. Learn the difference between solvable and perpetual problems and identify which one you’re going to be discussing to identify which strategy to use
3. Try requesting a “scribe” to brainstorm your ideas while he writes down your central points. Leave the assignment overnight and discuss it in the morning.
4. Polish your ability to make effective complaints and teach your husband the difference between criticism and complaint.
5. And this final one is for everyone: try the six-second kiss to determine whether they are maybe poop in the pipes. If so, it is time to improve your conflict skills.
Thanks for writing.
Dr. K
