Dear Dr. K,

Is it ok for one to call one’s spouse “useless” in any context?

Hurt

Dear Dr. K,

My husband calls me names, not only to my face, but also to others. He yells out to neighbors what a bad, horrible person I am. He does this because he wants others to think badly of me. I’ve provided for him for 4 years and he yells lies when I’m a great person.

Tired of Living with a Town Cryer

Dear Dr. K,

Is it normal for my man to call me lazy pig?

Heart Heavy at Home”

Dear Tired, Hear Heavy, and Hurt,

One of the traits of maturity is the capacity to keep private matters private and deal directly and constructively with the people you have problems with. In both of these situations, the person isn’t being constructive. In the second of these situations, your husband appears to want to humiliate you, which is a form of verbal, psychological, and emotional abuse.

Let’s tackle Hurt’s situation first and talk about complaining (which is a constructive thing and happens in all marriages), criticism, and contempt.

Let’s imagine that you are attempting some home repair, and he has more skill in this area but asks you to do it. After watching you struggle, he exclaims, “You’re useless!” and takes over the job. Well, this is problematic on several levels. First, if someone has more skill in an area but insists that their spouse attempt it instead, patience, guidance, or appreciation seem essential.

However, if these are in short supply, perhaps talk about yourself instead of the other person. Here’s an example:

“I’m pained watching you struggle with that. It seems like you are having a hard time doing it. Did you want some help? Did you want me to take it over?”

When you can point the finger at someone when you are talking, such as saying, “You’re useless!” you know it is a criticism bordering on contempt. These are two of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. We see criticism in most marriages but less often in happy ones. We only see contempt in problematic marriages. Contempt is like “throwing acid on love,” Gottman says. It implies you are superior to your partner, in this case in your “utility” (“useful” or “useless”). We can complain about behavior and report our feelings, but global character attacks aren’t warranted, and we don’t see them when a marriage is working.

A complaint might sound like this:

“I appreciate you attempting this job, Helen. I feel upset when you use my tools improperly and don’t ask me which one to pick. I would appreciate it if you would ask me before you use my tools, and know which one to use. I’m happy to help you do that. I would feel a lot better about your efforts. What do you think?”

There are six steps in that short paragraph.

  1. Wave the White Flag (“I appreciate you…”)
  2. I feel…
  3. About this particular situation
  4. Here’s what I want instead (Ask me first!)
  5. That would make me happy.
  6. What do you think?

Completing each step forces the person to calm down, figure out what is bothering them and why, what they want instead, and then ask for feedback. It is, of course, easier to say, “Give me that! You’re useless!” It’s perhaps easier, but in the long run, it hurts your partner’s feelings and the marriage.

The Town Cryer’s husband, however, takes abuse to a whole new level. Perhaps his goal is to shame as well as blame his wife. This isn’t appropriate even IF she wasn’t “providing for him for 4 years.” I’m left wondering, “If she is so horrible, so bad, why are you still with her?” Whether it is because he feels terrible about himself being provided for or actually believes you are a horrible person, telling the neighbors is not only wrong, it’s embarrassing, dramatic, and disruptive to the quiet your neighbors deserve. No one wants to be privy to marital fights except those with nothing better to do than gossip.

He sounds out of control.

You can, of course, apologize to the neighbors for the disruption, but only when you can promise that it won’t happen again. And you can’t promise that as long as you are involved with a man who can’t control himself.

Look, I know that he should be making the rounds to make these apologies himself. It would be an excellent sign if he did that. It would require:

  • his awareness that his behavior was damaging,
  • an apology to you and
  • then his social apology

If it sounds laughable that he’d even consider doing that, he is acting like a dangerous person with no sense of personal pride. He’s dangerous because he is out to make you feel bad about yourself publicly, which hurts you physically and emotionally. He also appears unaware of how to act socially.

You deserve better. Everyone does.

Let’s be clear: You don’t have to be a “great person” to refuse to accept abuse, embarrassment, and humiliation. You can be “okay” or even “so-so” and still be worthy of respect.

The question is “what to do about it.” The answer depends on why that behavior happened in the first place. If he has a drinking problem or a mental health disorder, he needs the proper help. If he’s unable to control his emotional responses, he has to learn how to calm himself down and self-regulate. All of these things are HIS job.

YOUR job is to calmly decide what YOU will do if he acts this way again. Don’t threaten. Don’t be challenging or provocative. Calmly and thoughtfully, INFORM him of what will happen if he behaves this way again, and be prepared to follow through. No follow through, no change, so think carefully about what you plan to ACTUALLY do.

He decides whether to behave this way again. You have no control over this. If he needs help controlling himself, he needs to seek it out or ask for help. It is his job to seek out that help. You decide whether you will live with this behavior or not.

Psychological abuse is real. You aren’t responsible for it, and only he can stop it.

Thanks to both of you for writing.

Dr. K

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