When You’re Drowning in Decisions and He’s Asking About Biscuits

Dear Dr. K,

How do I get my husband to make more decisions without me feeling like I have to hold his hand. He can’t even decide how many biscuits to put in the oven without asking me. I’m in mental overload with everything in our family of 7. Just deciding on dinner and taking care of that would be helpful, but he can’t or won’t do it. It’s exhausting. I tried to show him how to do something for one of our family members and he literally threw a fit and said “I don’t get why I have to do this”, like I haven’t been doing it for the last 5 years by myself. Drowning in Decisions

Dear Drowning in Decisions,

Oh, my dear exhausted mother of seven, your letter nearly jumped off the page. What you’re describing isn’t just about biscuits—it’s about the crushing mental load you’re carrying while your husband stands by, asking how many to put in the oven.

Let me be clear: This isn’t fair to you. Not by a long shot.

What we’re looking at isn’t learned helplessness but what psychologists call “strategic incompetence”—pretending you can’t do something so someone else will do it for you.

True learned helplessness comes from genuine belief that you cannot succeed despite your efforts. Your husband’s behavior is different—it’s a strategy (conscious or unconscious) to avoid certain tasks.

In one intensive, a wife described a fight about this very thing. She repeatedly reminded her husband how to run the washing machine. After explaining the same simple process for the third time, she looked at him with tired eyes and said, “It’s just easier if I do it myself.” That was exactly the outcome he wanted. The issue wasn’t housework, it was fairness. It was how one of them got to rest on the couch at 6 pm while the other one ran around until 9 pm.

The husband learned that by both of them running around until 7:30 pm, they both got to sit down together, feeling good about each other.

Men aren’t born unable to fold laundry or remember appointments. These are basic human skills, not gender-specific abilities.

What’s happening is a pattern where:

• He “tries” but does the task poorly
• You get frustrated and he gets angry
• You take over
• He’s relieved of responsibility
• The cycle repeats

This pattern has deep roots. Maybe his mother did everything for him. Maybe he watched his father use this tactic. Or maybe he’s simply fallen into a comfortable pattern where all he needs to do is throw a fit and you pick up his slack.

Your husband has learned that if he acts incapable, you’ll swoop in and take over. Why should he deal with the stress of decisions when you’ll do it?

But here’s the hard truth. You can’t keep this up. Nobody could.

Breaking the Cycle

1. Have a calm, direct conversation—not during mealtime chaos. Tell him exactly what you’ve told me. The mental overload is damaging your wellbeing and possibly your marriage. He’s an intelligent person, and this isn’t rocket science.
2. Stop rescuing him. When he asks about biscuits, simply say, “I trust your judgment on this one.” Then walk away. Will dinner be perfect? Maybe not. But he’ll learn.
3. Assign clear responsibilities, not tasks. “Dinner on Tuesdays and Thursdays is completely your domain” works better than “Please help with dinner.”
4. Stand firm when he protests—and he will. “I understand this is new for you, but I need this to change for my mental health and our relationship.”

Remember, your husband can likely hold down a job, follow complex instructions at work, and adjust when something fails. He can undoubtedly figure out how to put dinner on the table. Too many women walk their husbands through “how to vacuum” when these same men have advanced degrees or manage teams of 50.

His resistance isn’t about biscuits or dinner. It’s about fear of failure and the comfort of the status quo. But you deserve a partner, not another child to manage.

What’s your first step going to be?