Dear Dr. K,
My husband just called me a bitch in front of my 11 yr old daughter. The reason being that I called him out on his overall state, he has severe sleep apnea, he did drink last night and did not use the CPAP machine even after I woke him up several times to wear his machine – at least 4 times.
He does not care. This morning even though he slept for a while, he seems like he is still drunk…swaying, falling asleep. I tried not to interact with him for a while the entire morning, but by 3 he annoyed me so much and was just loud and too happy like when you are drunk or intoxicated.
I called him out and I said I deserve better, you are half drunk and I cannot take this anymore – this happens a lot, either because he is actually drunk or a combination of sleep apnea and drinking (even though sometimes he is not drinking that much).
We just got back from vacation to Sandals, he was intoxicated 85% of the time! We have been married for 16 yrs now and I am crumbling. I don’t know how to talk to him because he will now go in a complete mean mode. He is very defensive and puts all the blame on me. I need help…I am so lost.
Desperate for Sobriety and Sanity
Dear Desperate for Sobriety and Sanity,
If I understand you correctly, your husband has a substance-abuse problem. While sometimes he does not drink or do drugs, he does them so often that it’s disturbing you and the family.
The CPAP machine is a side issue to this, although poor sleep on top of alcohol or substance abuse creates a very impaired individual.
You are fighting with him about something over which he likely has little control over. Sobering up for a day, a week, or even a month and then returning to frequent substance abuse, indicates addictive behavior.
Arguing with him is fruitless. I would suggest that you begin to attend Al Anon.
There, you will begin to hear stories that sound very much like the ones you are describing. You will hear stories of people who work a full-time job, and are drunk most of the time. You will hear how these people neglect their health, pick fights, and become abusive when their alcohol or substance use is challenged.
Your job now is to get a thorough education. Your job is not to try and convince your husband that he should change his ways.
Don’t crumble. Take action to learn how to direct your own life in a more constructive way.
Thank you for writing.
Dr. K
