I’ve encountered numerous relationship challenges over the years in my work with couples. One particularly complex issue that often arises is displaced aggression – when one partner redirects their frustrations onto people close to their significant other, rather than addressing conflicts directly.

Recently, I worked with Kim and Jacob, a couple struggling with this very issue. Kim, a dedicated lawyer, was furious that Jacob had fairly directly insulted her boss at a company event. 

As we explored the situation, it became clear that Jacob’s outburst stemmed from unaddressed feelings of neglect due to Kim’s long work hours. Instead of communicating his concerns to Kim, Jacob had lashed out at her boss – a classic example of displaced aggression.

This case illustrates how displaced aggression can manifest in various ways within relationships. It might be a husband making cutting remarks about his wife’s best friend after feeling ignored or a girlfriend giving the cold shoulder to her boyfriend’s coworkers following an unresolved disagreement. While these behaviors may appear petty on the surface, they often indicate deeper attachment issues and self-regulation challenges.

A study by Slotter et al. (2020) provides valuable insights into the underlying mechanisms of displaced aggression in romantic relationships. Their research explores the interplay between attachment anxiety, self-control, and aggressive behavior, offering a framework for understanding why some individuals are more prone to this pattern.

The Attachment Anxiety-Displaced Aggression Connection

At the core of displaced aggression often lies attachment anxiety – an intense desire for closeness coupled with fears of abandonment or rejection. Individuals with high attachment anxiety tend to be hypersensitive to perceived threats in their relationship. When provoked by their partner, they experience a strong urge to retaliate but simultaneously fear damaging the relationship they deeply value.

This internal conflict creates a surge of emotions that seek an outlet. Rather than risk confronting their partner directly, anxiously attached individuals may redirect their aggression towards less risky targets—their partner’s family, friends, or colleagues. This is a misguided attempt to release pent-up frustrations without jeopardizing the primary relationship.

The Nuanced Role of Self-Control

Research supports this. Slotter et al. (2020) found that attachment anxiety alone doesn’t necessarily lead to displaced aggression. The researchers discovered that individuals high in both attachment anxiety and self-control were most likely to engage in displaced aggression when provoked by their partners.

This finding challenges the conventional wisdom that higher self-control always leads to less aggressive behavior. In the context of relationship conflicts, self-control can actually facilitate the redirection of aggressive impulses. Anxiously attached individuals with strong self-control may be able to inhibit their initial urge to lash out at their partner, instead channeling that aggression towards a third party.

This nuanced understanding of self-control highlights its potential for both constructive and destructive applications in relationships. The key lies in learning to harness that self-control for more effective conflict resolution strategies.

Breaking the Cycle: Strategies for Couples

For couples struggling with displaced aggression, awareness is the first step towards positive change. Here are some strategies I’ve found effective in my practice:

  1. Identify triggers: Encourage couples to recognize situations that tend to provoke displaced aggression, paying attention to recurring patterns.
  2. Enhance direct communication: Work on expressing feelings and needs to partners in a calm, non-accusatory manner. This skill requires practice and patience.
  3. Develop healthy coping mechanisms: Explore constructive ways to release tension, such as exercise, mindfulness practices, or creative outlets.
  4. Address cognitive distortions: Help anxiously attached individuals recognize and reframe catastrophic thoughts about relationship conflicts.
  5. Seek professional guidance: A couples therapist can provide tailored tools and support for navigating these challenges.

It’s crucial to remember that change takes time and commitment from both partners. Patience and mutual support are essential as couples work to break old habits and establish healthier interaction patterns.

Learning to Express Anger Effectively

Jacob learned in his family of origin that expressing anger destroys relationships. This life lesson happened in childhood when he witnessed one of the few open fights his parents ever had. His parents divorced shortly afterward. He vowed to keep angry words out of his own adult relationships.

While it was his attempt to keep the relationship safe, it prevented Jacob from learning effective ways to express his hurt, anger, and sadness to Kim. Instead, he displaced these feelings onto the person he believed caused this stress in his relationship—her boss.

However, instead of preserving his relationship, this behavior threatened it, causing Kim to be confused and furious and to withdraw from talking to Jacob about her work in an attempt to avoid his misguided wrath toward her boss.

Our intensive focused on teaching this couple direct ways to express emotions and to learn to fight effectively.  

Research Context and Limitations

While the Slotter et al. (2020) study offers valuable insights, it’s important to consider its scope and limitations. The research primarily focused on college students and young adults in heterosexual relationships, leaving room for further exploration in diverse populations and relationship structures.

Additionally, the study relied on laboratory simulations and self-report measures rather than observing real-world couple interactions. While these methods allow for controlled experiments, they may not capture the full complexity of relationship dynamics.

However, the research’s multi-method approach, including innovative measures like the “voodoo doll task” to assess aggressive impulses, lends credibility to its findings. For couples struggling with displaced aggression, this research provides a valuable framework for understanding the psychological mechanisms at play.

Conclusion

Displaced aggression in relationships is a multifaceted issue that requires patience, self-reflection, and often professional guidance to address. By understanding the roles of attachment anxiety and self-control, couples can begin to unravel these destructive patterns and build more secure, healthier ways of managing conflict.

As a therapist, I’ve witnessed countless couples transform their relationships by tackling displaced aggression head-on. It’s not an easy journey, but the rewards – a stronger, more authentic connection – are immeasurable. If you find yourself caught in this pattern, remember that seeking help is a sign of commitment to your relationship’s growth and well-being.