Interested in this new-fangled AI technology, I thought I’d ask ChatGPT a (very loaded) question: “What are dumb cultural messages that contribute to unrealistic expectations of marriage?” I was surprised by how spot on it was.

Understanding Cultural Messages About Marriage

In couples therapy, I’ve often heard any one of these messages either stated overtly or echoing in the background of a person’s complaint or expectations of their spouse. 

In Discernment Counseling, sometimes these expectations are influencing the decision about staying or leaving a marriage.

Heck! I’ve seen some of these on “aspirational” posts and messaging boards. *shudders*

Challenging them can be difficult, as often the believer has good reason to want these things. Unfortunately the hazards of these cultural messages create more tripping than connecting. 

How to Challenge Unrealistic Marriage Beliefs

If you notice any of these, or variations thereof, influencing your relationship, it may be helpful to:

  • Explore it:
    • Find out where it’s coming from
    • How you or your spouse learned this belief?
    • What makes it important to you?
    • What does it mean to you?
  • How it impacts both partners and the relationship, whether it’s emotionally, behaviorally, etc.
  • Look at different cognitive shifts or frameworks to see if a more updated and balance belief shifts your own steps to a better marriage.

And if it looks like fairy tales and romantic movie messaging is creating some issues in your own relationship, talk to Couples Therapy Inc to see how we can help.

Understanding Cultural Messages About Marriage

There are many cultural messages that contribute to unrealistic expectations about marriage, often portraying relationships in ways that are oversimplified, idealized, or disconnected from the complexities of real life. These messages can set couples up for disappointment, frustration, and confusion because they don’t reflect the realities of human relationships, growth, or the work involved in sustaining a long-term partnership. Here are some dumb cultural messages that shape those unrealistic expectations:

1. “True love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

  • Why it’s unrealistic: This message suggests that love should always feel easy and effortless, implying that true love transcends the need for apology, forgiveness, or reconciliation. In reality, every relationship requires conflict resolution, humility, and the ability to apologize when we’ve hurt our partner. Relationships thrive when we acknowledge our mistakes and make amends, not when we pretend everything is perfect.
  • What it leaves out: Healthy relationships require accountability and the ability to work through disagreements. Love without humility or reconciliation can lead to resentment and unaddressed issues.

2. “You’ll find your ‘soulmate’ who completes you.”

  • Why it’s unrealistic: The soulmate myth can create an expectation that there is one perfect person out there who will “complete” you or fulfill every need, leaving little room for personal growth or dealing with relationship challenges.
  • What it leaves out: No one person can fulfill every emotional, psychological, or spiritual need. Healthy marriage requires two complete individuals who are constantly evolving, growing, and working together to build a life. The idea of “completing” each other can set couples up for dependence, unrealistic expectations, and disappointment.

3. “You’ll always feel attracted to each other.”

  • Why it’s unrealistic: Movies and media often portray couples who maintain intense physical attraction throughout their entire marriage. But sexual attraction naturally ebbs and flows over time, especially as life changes, with aging, stress, parenting, or health issues.
  • What it leaves out: A lasting marriage isn’t just about physical attraction—it’s about deep emotional intimacy, trust, and shared values. Over time, couples often have to work at maintaining intimacy and find new ways to nurture their connection.

4. “Marriage is supposed to make you happy all the time.”

  • Why it’s unrealistic: Marriage is often portrayed as a constant source of joy, fulfillment, and comfort. While moments of happiness and contentment are certainly part of the experience, marriage also includes difficult times—stress, conflict, loss, and personal challenges.
  • What it leaves out: Life’s ups and downs will impact the relationship, and no partner can provide constant happiness. Real marriage involves navigating hardship together, learning from challenges, and supporting each other’s growth.

5. “Marriage is easy if you’re with the right person.”

  • Why it’s unrealistic: This message suggests that if there are problems in the relationship, it’s because you’re with the wrong person, rather than acknowledging that all marriages require work—even the ones with the “right” partner.
  • What it leaves out: Successful marriages require communication, effort, compromise, and resilience. It’s easy to believe that the perfect partner will make everything easy, but no matter who you’re with, challenges will arise that demand effort and collaboration.

6. “If you love each other enough, you won’t need therapy.”

  • Why it’s unrealistic: The idea that love alone is enough to fix problems in a marriage can make people hesitate to seek professional help, thinking that couples counseling is only for relationships in crisis or that it’s a sign of failure.
  • What it leaves out: Seeking therapy can be one of the healthiest decisions a couple makes. Couples counseling is not just for crises but for improving communication, deepening intimacy, and learning better ways to relate to each other. Love is important, but it’s not the only thing that sustains a relationship.

7. “Your partner should be your best friend, and you should share everything.”

  • Why it’s unrealistic: The idea that your spouse should be your best friend and confidant for everything can create pressure to make them your emotional everything—but this can lead to problems when spouses can’t meet every need or if they become overly dependent on one another for all of their social, emotional, and mental support.
  • What it leaves out: While emotional intimacy with your spouse is crucial, it’s also healthy to have separate friendships, hobbies, and interests outside the relationship. Having a variety of sources for emotional support is key to a balanced, healthy marriage.

8. “If your marriage is meant to be, it will just work out.”

  • Why it’s unrealistic: This message promotes the idea of a relationship as destiny—if you’re meant to be together, everything will fall into place on its own. The truth is, marriage takes ongoing effort and intentionality.
  • What it leaves out: Relationships need active engagement. Problems don’t magically fix themselves—couples need to communicate, compromise, and adapt. True love and a thriving relationship are not automatic, and they don’t just happen without work and conscious effort.

9. “Marriage will solve all your personal problems.”

  • Why it’s unrealistic: Some people enter marriage with the expectation that it will be a panacea for loneliness, depression, insecurity, or even financial instability. However, no one person can be responsible for your personal growth or happiness.
  • What it leaves out: Marriage is not a cure-all. Healthy relationships are built on two individuals who take responsibility for their own mental health, growth, and well-being. Relying solely on your partner to fix everything can create codependence or resentment.

10. “The first year of marriage should be blissful.”

  • Why it’s unrealistic: The “honeymoon phase” is often portrayed as a magical, perfect time when everything is exciting and joyful. But the first year of marriage can be a period of adjustment, as you learn how to live together, navigate differences, and establish new routines.
  • What it leaves out: Real life is complicated, and the first year often involves difficult transitions. Conflict and growth are part of the journey. The idea of a flawless first year can make couples feel like they’re failing if they don’t experience constant bliss.

11. “You should have kids if you love each other.”

  • Why it’s unrealistic: The idea that children complete the marriage or that having kids is a natural outcome of love can put pressure on couples who might not be ready or who choose not to have children.
  • What it leaves out: Parenthood is a massive life decision that requires careful consideration. Not everyone wants children, and some couples may find fulfillment without them. The idea that having children is the “next step” in love ignores personal choice and the complexity of life paths.

12. “Marriage should be all about equality.”

  • Why it’s unrealistic: While equal partnership is an ideal in many relationships, this statement can create unrealistic expectations that both partners will always contribute equally to everything—emotionally, financially, or domestically.
  • What it leaves out: Equality doesn’t always mean 50/50. There will be times when one partner gives more in certain areas (e.g., one person might handle more of the childcare or finances at different times in the relationship). Balance and adaptation are key.

Moving Forward with Realistic Expectations

These cultural messages about marriage can often promote unrealistic expectations or portrayals of relationships that are overly simplified or idealized. While they can create a sense of romanticism or excitement around marriage, they don’t reflect the complexities, challenges, and realities that all couples face. Healthy relationships require communication, vulnerability, effort, personal growth, and a shared commitment to weathering both the ups and downs of life together. Acknowledging the realities of marriage, rather than buying into these myths, helps set couples up for more realistic, sustainable relationships.