He'll secretly take away your power while denying he's doing that.

What is a Covert Narcissist Husband?

In this post, I'll describe both the seven traits of a covert narcissist and how these traits show up in marriage. We'll talk about why the covert narcissist is so hard to recognize; they appear so "nice" and "humble" and even anxious to please. They care about what other people think of them, and they appear so helpful. Still, the Covert Narcissist is just a less happy and more complicated version of the NPD.

You can read here about narcissistic wives.

In a previous post, we discussed the problem of narcissistic personality disorders.

Most people believe that a boastful braggart characterizes all narcissism. Not so.

Another form of narcissism is closet narcissism, which is essentially covert in its expression. These men are often shells or what might be called "empty suits" who look to other people to fill their sense of self. These marriages are often long-term because, despite the wives feeling drained and unhappy, they can't articulate what's wrong.

Closet narcissist husbands are often hyper-sensitive and perhaps less keenly aware of their need to dominate by manipulating others. Nevertheless, the behavior leaves their spouses feeling confused and at fault somehow.

All narcissists can look confident and act like they are better than others. Extroverted narcissists are vocal about their giftedness. In contrast, the covert narcissist husband may feel superior but has learned to hide it. He expects people to tell him he's "special" rather than having to toot his own horn.

At Couples Therapy Inc., we work with extraordinarily successful couples. Many of the men we see have concrete reasons to be proud of their accomplishments, and it shows. This isn't narcissism; it's positive self-esteem.

Sex and the covert narcissist husband

Covert narcissist husbands are emotionally disengaged and passionless toward any perceived demand. This includes the "demand" to love.

Sex can start out steamy. The wife will talk about being "love bombed" by a man she can't believe is so perfect for her and eager to please. Later making love will end up feeling like a "favor" he's doing to you and for you.

Initially, the covert narcissist husband will be an ardent lover who is responsive and eager to please. That soon fades once the relationship becomes established. Instead of a partner who is anxious to get away and have private sexual time together, he acts lackluster.

You won't "feel" him in bed. He will become passive but deeply resentful if you don't show him your admiration. Wives of covert narcissist husbands often end up feeling "done to" before these same wives gradually withdraw sexually.

He'll then resent you for your lack of sexual interest, despite his showing no genuine interest. Your "disinterest" in "pleasing him sexually" is a constant insult he must endure. He wants you to "get help" for your lack of enthusiasm for being sexual with him but takes no responsibility for playing a role.

7 Essential Traits of a Clinical Covert Narcissist Husband

1. He's "nice" and "helpful." This helpfulness demonstrates that he is being a "good spouse." The wives of covert narcissist husbands may feel a withering contempt wrapped up in a superficial long-suffering or "helpful" demeanor. He learned this strategy early in childhood, often from a harsh, abusive, or guilt-inducing parent.

For the average person, doing one's share is an organic acceptance of adult living. In contrast, his "helpfulness" is designed to boost his fragile sense of self. It is also a weapon he uses to defend himself and torture his partner.

He can "help" while ending up causing her more work. He may complete promised tasks 80% of the time, but the last 20% will be unpredictable. And if you mention it when he doesn't do it, he'll resent you and point out how critical you are of him.

He will claim that he can't do anything to please you.

The fate of the covert narcissist is to keep track of the folly of others to ease the imagined "unfair judgments" leveled at him by those same people. He'll exhibit contemptuous behavior such as smirking, stifled mocking laughter, or eye-rolling. But he reserves for private interactions. In public, he's a stellar husband and proves it to anyone who's watching.

2. Passive aggression. Clinical Covert Narcissist husbands are often passive-aggressive. Like the overt narcissist, they may act attentive to what their wives want. However, they'll seldom spontaneously show interest in a sincere or sustained way.

They'll "forget" their wife's work weekend trip (planned months in advance...). He's "accidentally" planned a fishing trip he's "really been looking forward to."

With a long-suffering tone, he'll agree to cancel HIS event "as a favor to help her career." He will stay with the children, "sacrificing" his fun. Without ever saying so, his wife will stop planning weekend trips, especially for pleasure, because she feels his covert misery. It kills her own joy.

Covert Narcissist husbands conveniently forget spousal requests but make no effort to correct the mistake. Or they'll complete the job incompetently. When confronted with their behavior, they whine that their wife is being "too picky" or "OCD" in expecting a competent performance, implying she's a nag, or he'll mope as he attempts to "meet her demanding standards."

In the face of failed expectations, he'll provide some lame or self-flattering explanation of why he didn't follow through. It doesn't even have to be convincing. He doesn't appear to care whether it is or isn't.

His wife feels his resentment, but it remains unspoken. He exhibits no active joy in her company or desire to celebrate her or their love.

3. He's withholding and resentful. Wives are often confused that their covert husbands can simultaneously be so helpful and resentful. So he won't ask you to do anything for him but will resent you for not doing it. Asking for help is loading your gun.

He substitutes superficial "niceness" for genuine honesty and emotional involvement/engagement. He doesn't tell you what he really thinks (until he does...). He's too "kind" for that. He's too "considerate."

On the other hand, you are the "mean" one who talks directly about what you want, sets goals and expresses your disappointment. HE isn't "allowed" to do that.

HE keeps his critical comments about you to himself. He silently takes your "abuse" (i.e., expressed disappointment) but is hurt by it.

He resents that you get to express your wants while he doesn't. What he wants, he won't say. "Why bother? Who cares about me?" It's infuriating.

When provoked, he'll spew a litany of withheld resentments and cruel comments that shock their unsuspecting partners. But moments later, the covert narcissist husband will accuse you of being so hostile he sometimes "just can't take it." He has to "give it back to you." You will never realize that expressing valid disappointment is considered abusive by the covert narcissist.

And you, as the wife, end up carrying all the anger he won't directly express inside of you. You will feel frustrated and upset by the on-again-off-again style of "engage-ignore." When he wants you, he's hurt if you are unavailable. If you want him, you'll learn from his behavior that this isn't the best time.

Try and be an "angel," and you'll fall short. He's not going to trust that "act." He knows how "mean" you are and how wary he must be of you. And you are left wondering how you can be nicer to him, so he'll like you more.

4. Exaggerated hyper-sensitivity. Covert Narcissist husbands are extremely hyper-sensitivity. They will take offense to criticism, real or imagined. They despise even trivial complaints because these imply that he has failed somehow, even when they clearly have.

When extremely covertly narcissistic, these husbands can be highly emotionally abusive. Wives may feel emotionally abused but are told they are the ones who are being emotionally abusive. It is disorienting to the wife.

A wife's reasonable demands for love, attention, engagement, and sex can be relabeled as cloying, never satisfied, demanding, and overbearing. Your covert narcissistic husband claims that you have wronged him if you dare complain about him. And he'll remind you of all he has done and how little you've appreciated it.

The wives are left asking themselves: "Was I ungrateful? I thought I complimented him...a lot, actually..." This is gaslighting.

Their most apparent trait is the subtle way he acts dismissively. It is done in a way that's hard to put your finger on. Even attempting to identify this attitude will be met with complete denial or outrage that turns into the "silence treatment."

This withdrawal could go on for days or even weeks.

Don't ask the covert narcissist how you've offended him. Instead of expressing his upset and asking for what he wants, he expects you to know what drove him to this state. Can't you see how obvious your transgressions are? When he feels any imagined attack, he attacks back.

5. Don't look for outward signs of confidence. His smugness and air of superiority is a mask he removes only with certain people.  Covert Narcissist husbands keenly observe their world and often evaluate it harshly before the world harshly evaluates them. They may or may not tell you who they judge harshly.

Sometimes they hold these feelings for YEARS before blurting them out like it should have been obvious. They ruminate about how they aren't adequately "appreciated."

They have an air of being "absent." Even with the job of parenting, they look down on the task. But when asked directly: "Is something wrong?" they'll deny it.

6. Self-absorption and introspection about the wrongs that the world has done to him. A covert narcissist husband is a poor listener. They manage a hostile internal voice so it is hard to pay attention to anything else.

Many can be clever, judging or sizing up a person or a social situation. When it captures their attention, they can be delightful company. It is clear that they deem it dull, stupid, or beneath them when it doesn't.

7. Empathy Deficit All clinical narcissists lack empathy for others. And share a sense of entitlement. The negative impact his behavior has on his wife is not worth discussing.

Try, and the Covert Narcissist husbands bring the conversation back to their own needs or accomplishments. Or get rageful.

If they are forced to listen, their wives' unhappiness is a personal injury to them, an intolerable judgment that they hostilely reject. The sentiment seems to be: "You can't be unhappy with me. That offends me and hurts my feelings!"

You're witnessing the empathy deficit if you feel it's challenging to talk about your feelings without the conversation turning around to him. And if you are expected to "know" what he's thinking, feeling, or needing, you're experiencing the mind-reading linked to his feelings of deep entitlement.

If he withholds vital information from you, that's legitimate. He "knows" how you'll react to the news and doesn't want to "hear it" from you. His internal ruminations trump whatever real-world thoughts or feelings you may actually have. He doesn't have to ask you; he already knows.

Covert Narcissist fathering

Not only with you but even with his children, he seldom makes genuine eye contact. He engages in narcissistic parenting, claiming the children don't "like him" as much as they like you. His statement justifies his parental withdrawal in preference for hobbies or more solitary pursuits.

Even the dog hates him.

When he is disengaged (not that they were engaged in the first place), the entire family feels his empty presence. Children are acutely aware of this "on-again/off-again" parental switch. Like intermittent reinforcement, kids will try to hold their father's attention hungrily.

Sometimes they'll get his attention if they find a subject that interests him. If not, they find that Dad won't ask them any questions, he'll act annoyed, or walk away absentmindedly in the middle of their sentence.

Are all displays of narcissism bad?

Not according to research. If narcissism is on a continuum, those in the more "normal" range of behavior can bring desirable traits to the relationship. They are also capable of keeping in check their own needs and desires in favor of their partners. They have a healthy sense of self.

In contrast, clinical covert narcissists have fragile self-esteem. They project confidence but are terrified of their vulnerability and painful self-doubt. This is one of the central overt features of the covert narcissist. The overt narcissist actually has often undeserved confidence, but they've learned to ignore any evidence to the contrary.

The covert narcissist, in contrast, lives with this painful awareness of being a "faker," making him both reactive and thin-skinned. His belief in his profound worthlessness results in a reactive need for constant reassurance, even admiration, from others.

But it must be done cleverly and without being too obvious. If it's pointed out to him that it's normal to want to be recognized, he'll deny it is anything HE personally craves.

He'll try to hide his desperate desires, but his resentment will increase when the praise doesn't come spontaneously. He'll covet it. Nurse it.

How they act that out is also more covert than their overt counterparts, as well.

Is my husband a narcissist?

As tempting as it is to label your spouse a narcissistic husband, even spouses trained in mental health should avoid labeling their own partners. Address the specific behaviors you want him to change, and keep the labels to yourself. Good couples therapy can often help a confused spouse separate out the marriage and the man who is "beyond hope" from those who need an attitude readjustment.

He's a "Nice Guy." He just doesn't like YOU.

What is often confusing to wives is that, on the surface, this man seems like an all-around "nice guy." He's well-liked and outgoing in public. Everyone says so.

Those 'out of the know' think you are the luckiest woman alive to be married to him. But they don't live with him. They only see his mask. They don't feel what you feel: he just doesn't like you but won't come out and say so.

He considers your actions a clear demonstration of his mistake in marrying you.

You've disappointed him terribly by "criticizing" him and not appreciating his specialness. And yet, this is never said in words. But it's a "mistake" you'll feel acutely. You'll know that he prefers to spend time doing other things rather than living with, engaging with, and loving you.

But he won't leave. Or if he leaves, he won't be the one to initiate divorce.

He will never be the first to divorce because he's much too nice for that. He'll drive you to do it, often after 20-30 years married. These marriages are often long-term, and when they end in divorce, all the casual acquaintances will dispair.

"They were such a nice couple. He is such a nice guy. She left him. Terrible that she'd leave such a nice guy."

Ready for a change in your relationship?

It starts with a no-obligation 15 minute phone call with our client services team.

Dr. Kathy McMahon


Dr. Kathy McMahon (Dr. K) is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist. She is also the founder and president of Couples Therapy Inc. Dr. K feels passionate about couples therapy and sex therapy and holds a deep respect towards those who invest in making their relationship better. She is currently conducting online and in person private couples retreats.

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  1. This article absolutely rings true to me. Almost every aspect is my husband. We have been married for 24 years. About 8 years ago we went through a horrible time but got counselling and things greatly improved. Over time though, the same traits have crept back in. And now I feel like it’s even more complicated. I’m at the point now that I am contemplating leaving. I have two issues though. One, we have only one daughter who is 17. I fear that it would devastate her. She is constantly trying to make him happy and is always asking him what is wrong. Second, he has no one. He doesn’t talk to his own family and has no friends. Any friends we used to have are gone now because he decided he didn’t like them anymore. ( I feel like he felt either threatened by them or they were not good enough for him). I know he would say to my daughter ‘look at what she is doing. Ruining everything and leaving me all alone’.
    Do you have any words of advice?

  2. OMG. Married for 60 years. He is, I strongly believe, a covert passive aggressive narcissist. Hmmm? What does that make me for tolerating this reality? Looking for practical behaviors on my part to ward off the slings and arrows of this misfortune until that day in which there is no sunset or dawning for one of us. I am open to suggestions.

  3. I'm 18yrs in and there's not much of me left. This (above) describes my life perfectly. I've asked him to get counselling but he refuses. I've asked him to leave and he is currently living in the RV on the property. I'm just sick and full of anxiety about the steps a head. I see how I got here. I take responsibility for my choices. I grew up in a home with two Narc parents and a brother 8 yrs older than I (also a narc adult now). I was adopted and he resented me from day one and became the monster in the house I was terrified of. Every singe partner I have chosen in my (now 55yrs) has had these same traits. Every. Single. One. ……….This is where it stops. I have a marathon a head of me but I'll get through. By the grace of God, I'll get through. Thank you for putting into words what my brain struggles to untangle and vocalize. What is currently bothering me the most from the list above is how I will be perceived by others as the 'crazy/bad one' for walking away from this marriage. After all, "he's such a nice guy". Much gratitude Dr. K

    1. May, here is the strategy: Hold your head up, never defend yourself, and when he is down in the mud, never join him down there. You have a strong backbone and the ‘flying monkeys’ he has will soon lose interest if they have no effect on you. You are a fighter, so put one foot in front of the other, figure out what to do to get distance between you, and never look back. You’ll regroup. I know you will. You don’t know that now, but you will, and you’ll be stronger, wiser, even more powerful. Send you a mirror so you can see your own strength… -Dr.K

  4. Hi, as I’m reading this I’m wondering if this my husband? I don’t know anymore. Currently, we’re in a fight so I’m also mad and remember the bad things. I will say though, consistently he seems to think women are lesser beings. My husband has literally “commanded” me to do things. As in”I command you to go to your room” or “it’s a simple command” tells me I can’t say certain things to him because ‘I’m a women and he’s the head of the household’, I asked him if he thinks women should be allowed to vote and he said no, then denied saying that when I brought it up again.
    He wanted me to be a SAHM, but then started calling the money he makes his money, not mine, that I don’t have any money. Now, I have ann evening job and seems he sabotages my efforts. I was going to bake for farmers market and he threw my ingredients out saying when I eat sugar it makes me a witch( because we were fighting)Yes, he said that.The job I have now, when hes mad he’s taken his truck keys from me, told me to walk, or has said I can’t use it. I ended up making a couple spare keys so I can use it. A few weeks ago we had a family dinner planned with our parents to come over. I asked him a couple times to get horseradish for me at the store and he wouldn’t do it. Saying he didn’t want it. After he came home without it, I told him, well, my mom also wanted some and he flipped out, saying I set him up, why didn’t I tell him my mom wanted it and then dumped the whole roast in the sink and said he didn’t want family coming over anymore…Cancelled the dinner an hour before family arrived. I have more stories of this kind of behavior.. bagging up and taking all the groceries out of our home because I’m not grateful to him. He’s always on his phone, I questioned about an old flame he follows on social media and he kept asking if I’m jealous with a shit smirk on his face, he rarely initiates intimacy, I have no vehicle, work 15 hours a week, have a one year old and second baby (with him) on the way. I have an older child that’s out of town for a few months. I’m glad she’s away from the chaos. I’ve been going to therapy for 6-7 months and he’s been going the past month. I don’t mind staying home, except we’re constantly broke, I need a vehicle, I feel isolated, I don’t feel secure. Im thinking to go back to school just in case so I can have a degree. And with his job he’s in construction and they don’t have jobs a quarter of the year, so he stays home, sits on his phone,sleeps, collects UI, stays up til 2am, wants to sleep in. Like a teenager really? Am I in the wrong thinking this behavior is bizarre?

    1. You need to stop thinking about him and focus on yourself now. You have three children (two babies at least) that need you to be calm and think things through very carefully. You are with a man who is abusing you. It is as simple as that. This sort of abuse often gets worse, not better. It is now verbal and emotional abuse, but it could devolve into physical abuse. He is restricting your movement, “commanding” you, and wanting to remove you from having any financial choices. His behavior is erratic and dangerous. It would not surprise me if he is sexually active with this “old flame” in which case you should have your OB check for venereal disease so your baby isn’t born with it. You need to learn as much as you can, from multiple sources. Here’s one: 800-799-7233 National Domestic Violence Hotline – SMS: Text START to 88788. And, if you haven’t already, you need to talk to your therapist about having a safety plan. It is a tragedy that humans begin to get used to almost any sort of abuse and stop seeing it as abuse. But everything you described is serious abuse. Take yourself seriously and make a plan. Your babies are counting on you changing your life. I’ll say a prayer for you. -Dr.K

  5. I read this post for a strange reason. I was upset about what I observed in the behavior of my new D-I-L, so I told my son that it seems he has married a narcissist. He looked at me directly in the eyes and said: well, YOU married Dad.”
    I was very taken aback. VERY taken aback. The past decade, I have taken to making jokes about how I am really hard to tolerate, haha, and wondering how anyone could deal with me for so long. Never good enough, lazy, undesirable.
    This blog description is scary accurate.
    I feel like I have never been a wife.
    With kids grown and gone it is really hard.
    Is there a third choice for me? One where he becomes caring or at least fakes it?

    1. The third choice is to develop clear “disinterest” in his evaluation of you, and asking him directly not to call you undesired labels. If he says “I was only kidding” you look him in the eyes and say “I don’t find it funny. Please stop it now.” If you have to, because he wants to argue with you, walk away. For the normal marriage, what your spouse thinks about you really should matter to you. In a covert narcissistic marriage, this “desire to please” is a thankless and hopeless task. Look for encouragement from other people. Stop staying around for the abuse. Plan particularly rewarding things you will do instead when “it starts.” -Dr.K

  6. I literally started sobbing.. #3 is the exact reason for my divorce.

    30 years and he filed for divorce on Dec 1 2023 , told me on Dec 9 but said he didn't want a divorce.. Just "things had to change".. After doing my own investigation I discovered he sought out an affair partner.. Claimed to this person they were his "twin flame" and then he announced he was moving to Texas in January.. I had less than a month to move..

    He can't stand kids and had a vasectomy at 28.. This new supply has 6 kids and posts about God all the time.. He rolls his eyes at the mention of God.. But now he's posting all kinds of God does this, God does, that. He moved in with her in Texas after only knowing her for maybe 3 months

    He's also posting about post-separation abuse from a narcissist… He's calling ME an abuser..

    He's gone no contact with me and blocked me from all forms of communication except email.. Cause I'm an abuser

    1. Yep. It’s a very old trick: Blame your partner for everything you are guilty of. Consider his “no contact” as his parting gift. If you need anything related to the divorce, send it through your lawyer. You can now begin the process of developing your own opinion about yourself, free of the harmful effects of living with him. Stop reading his posts. He’s just trying to garner sympathy from people and badmouth you. Make sure that the people you count on are there to support you. Your true friends won’t believe his nonsense anyway.

      And oh, by the way, just because he is silent now, doesn’t mean he won’t return in a storm of fury once his new “supply” no longer feeds him adequately. Don’t try to figure him out, or what he must be thinking or the contractions. That keeps the focus on HIM when it needs to now be on YOU. You can do it, Heide. -Dr.K

  7. thank you for this article, it resonates a lot with my experience. this year marks 10 years of my marriage to my husband who I’ve dated for 3 years prior to our wedding. we have 2 boys (8 and 6 yo). I’ve been suffering for the past years without the ability to identify what was the issue. I could tell that there is something wrong, that our relationship is not normal but couldn't recognize what was the issue. my husband has the "Very Nice Guy" image with everyone, he is the nice, cute, helpful, resourceful, giving person while I am portrayed as being "mean" "nagging" "demanding" "suffocating" kind of woman becoz I bring out his abnormal behavior and lack of empathy and emotional detachment he treats me with. for years I was convinced that I am the problem, being raised in an unhealthy family where my father used to be a narcissist and my mother getting to the edge of insanity, we never experienced normal family life, most of the days there was arguments, shouting… I never felt heard, loved, cared for, becoz my parents used to be absorbed into their problems and issues (noting that my dad was himself the victim of his malignant narcissist father). when I met my husband, he bombarded me with nice words and gestures, he is 10 years older than me so I thought he will provide the maturity, stability, and "normality" to my life. yet there were red flags starting the second year we were dating; I blamed some on me (being immature or super-demanding due to the lack of emotional connections I had in my childhood) and some others on the way he was raised with a cold-hearted mother who never showed any sort of affection and love toward him. I thought I could fix that and we would give each other’s the love we needed. but how I was wrong! he was greedy with me financially, skipped my birthdays, mother's days and other occasions where I could expect him to bring me a present, flowers or say something nice, yet he does bring a present on some occasions (for example one year he brought present for Mother’s Day and the other 2 he skipped) but most of all, he was greedy with his emotions, and affections and words. while being very easy for him to criticize me or deaminize me with his words, it is so difficult and rare for him to praise me or tell me nice things. while he criticizes me a lot, I am not allowed to do the same for him, when I give him a comment he outrages and accuses me of being selfish and demanding and never appreciative of him (I am always walking on eggshells with him). his big weapon is the silence treatment, we could go on months without talking to each other (except for the logistics matter since we share a household and 2 kids), and months without sex when I would be burning with desire and he would be as cold as stones. After monitoring his patterns, I could recognize that he would get intimate with me only when he has a desire for sex and not the other way around. noting that he never gets close or physically affectionate except when he wants sex. I would rarely get a hug or a kiss or holding hands… he is very nice with the children, they adore him, and he is very nice to everyone else. so, if I would nag or say something bad about him people will get shocked and would blame me for being too pressing or too idealizing relationships. ok he is a very nice man and u are the luckiest to marry him, but issues happen in all marriages just get over. and for years I blamed it on myself, that I should be grateful for him and for our home and disregard all the emotional abuse I was having. now I can say that I have become an empty person, my energy is drained, my self-confidence is racked, my self-esteem is shattered. I have let myself fall short on my career after loosing all the ambition and thrive I used to have. Thank God that I have my job and my salary which gives me financial freedom, yet I don’t have my own house so I can’t consider taking a big step toward divorce. Plus, my 2 boys are very young and I don’t want them to suffer from the consequences of my bad decision. They adore me and their dad and they cherish the family moments we share. I try to keep them away from our issues and try to hold everything together while swallowing my pain. But at times they can sense there is something dysfunctional, sometimes we lose it and scream on each other’s in front of the kids. My eldest is starting to ask me questions like “do u love dad?” “why do you fight/scream?” and for my misery I am the one being intense who raise the points and starts the argument since my husband can go weeks and months with his silent treatment burying everything underneath his smirks and stifled mocking laughter and playing the victim. And I hate that my kids are seeing me “attacking” their dad. It has been a long time with this on/off behavior, where it could go well between us for a month or 2 (where he can be very nice and make me regret thinking of him otherwise) and then we go back to point zero. I know that I cannot initiate divorce in the time being, not until my kids get older, plus it is not an easy thing to do where I live (it is hard legally as well women are ashamed and blamed most of the time). Please help me know how I can protect and shield myself so I can handle this phase with the least possible damage on my children and on my mental and emotional health as well. Thank you in advance.

    1. This is not an easy process, but you can practice it and get better over time with it:
      1. Keep your own counsel. Look inside at yourself and decide if you are a person of character, or desire to be. If so, seek support only from people who see this positive side. Don’t expect water from a stone or love from a narcissist.
      2. You care about what he says, does, and thinks of you. As a result, you are looking out of two sets of eyes: Yours and his. Stop doing that. Adopt your own point of view and become disinterested in his. When you do this, he will escalate. It’s called an “extinction burst” which means it will get worse before he “gives up on you” feeding him attention (positive or negative).
      3. Stop getting sucked in. This “come close/go away” is a crazy-making pattern that enrages you. It is designed to. So don’t let it. Consider his “silent treatment” a break from his verbal abuse. Work on not letting it impact you.
      4. Become the “grey rock” (look it up). If you are unwilling to stop sex with him, stop getting emotionally involved in it. As Dua Lipa sings in New Rules, “If you’re under him, you ain’t gettin’ over him.”
      5. Recognize the deeper reasons that you are staying, and putting this on your kids isn’t fair to them. You can “leave” while living with him, and try it. You’ll see how tough it is not getting sucked back in or taking the bait.
      6. Find yourself an excellent therapist who can help you with what you are describing as “developmental trauma.” You don’t want to end up here again with someone new, because you haven’t figured out how to stay away.
      7. You have a role to play. It isn’t the same as “you are to blame.” You aren’t. However, every time to find yourself “attacking” him, you have lost your boundaries. Learn what they are, respect them yourself, and then distance physically or emotionally when he violates them. My best to you. -Dr.k

  8. I just turned 45 last week and have been dealing with this for 15 years. I’ve known about his personality disorder for about 10 as I became educated on the topic, after his covert, narcissistic mother, gaslit and abused me. He watched! Barely did anything. I have a strong personality and i’m usually good at reading people naturally. I always considered myself gifted in that sense until I met his mom. Boy oh boy did I get blindsighted and go insane with self doubt and confusion. It makes me so sad to read some of these comments and see that most of the women commenting have health issues. I can’t help but wonder if it’s correlated with the stress that these men place on us as I have fibromyalgia a year and a half into my relationship with him! This man has worked for people that exploited my rape and justified it to me for years. He has watched me go through postpartum depression, without batting an eye. We have an eight-year-old son that his mother turned her back on and refused to have anything to do with, and he actually blamed me for it. She died from cancer last year and it’s baffling to see that I have seen no changes in him in the way he behaves and acts after something so impacting happened to him. It’s nonstop arguments about his behavior. The only way we get along is if I ignore everything he does. Anytime I address anything he uses all of the tactics explained. It has worn me down. My reactions are so overreactive now. I’m called insane and that I have anger issues. His job comes before anything else. He’s a subcontractor and makes the same amount of money today as what he did when I first met him. My father had to step in to help financially as I am a stay at home mom. My father wanted to have a conversation with him and my husband runs from him nonstop. Every day is baffling. I finally kicked him out and he pretends he is angry, but I think he secretly wants it to be this way, so it’s not him that pulled the trigger. There is no end to it with people like this. It makes me feel so foolish. I have accepted it in my life for so long And always gave in for my eight-year-old son. I really hope I can figure out a way to support us because I can’t live like this anymore.

    1. I want to repeat what you said for our readers: “The only way we get along is if I ignore everything he does. Anytime I address anything he uses all of the tactics explained. It has worn me down. My reactions are so overreactive now. I’m called insane and that I have anger issues.” You are right about the medical conditions, btw. It is very common.

      I know and empathize with you around feeling foolish. However, it isn’t you. When we meet who we believe is our “soul mate” and then they distance and begin to emotionally abuse us, we are caring, introspective people. We try 3 dozen ways to change, as we keep hoping one of them will bring back those earlier months or years. It is very seductive and addictive. And then the push-pull is also addictive because it is so random and unpredictable. When we face disapproval as complete and disowned, we try so hard to win the approval back. This is a very intoxicating mixture and very hard to break free of. -Dr. K

  9. This article describes my marriage perfectly. I received the 15 minute phone interview and was told they could not help us and to get individual counseling for my husband. Can you provide us with couples counseling since he will never get individual counseling because he doesn't believe he is part of our problem? You guys were my last hope. I was so excited when I read your article.

    1. So as I explained to you, marriage counseling makes a narcissistic individual a more sophisticated emotional abuser. You have said it in your comment: He doesn’t believe he is part of the problem. So in actuality, who’s problem is it?? Him or you? He will stay as long as you continue to be his narcissistic supply. He will leave when you stop being that. Marriage counseling requires two people of sincere intention to look inside themselves and take an honest self-assessment. It assumes both people are of good character, not chronic liars, manipulators and gaslighters. I do want you to understand, Karen, that marriage counseling will not help your situation. Right now, because your husband has no interest in changing, you need to seek help to figure out how to behave, how to conduct yourself in such a marriage. Notice your level of distress, and what is causing it. That is what you bring to your individual counselor, not to “change him” but to change your response to him, because you are not ready to leave. We have no magic wand at Couples Therapy Inc. We can’t get him to respect and care about you again, if he ever did. But you can figure out why his approval is so important to you. My best to you. -Dr.K

  10. Will you help our marriage? My husband is willing to go to couples counseling, but not individual counseling. Regular couples counseling that focuses on better communication has not helped a marriage like ours.

    1. Exactly, because the issue is not HOW to communicate but the PURPOSE of communication. You may want a mutual and cooperative understanding. He may want to just get what he wants, and do what he needs to make you comply. Why is he willing to go to couples counseling? Probably because he can try to convince the counselor of what a hard life he has living with you, and spread the blame around. Please do read my other comments. -Dr. K

  11. Ugh…yep 30 years. I knew there was something wrong with him really early on and initially I felt bad for him for the longest time actually because I felt that it had to do with his family dysfunction while growing up then of course this continued through adulthood . Pretty much he was treated by his mother as somebody who wasn’t of value, whose opinion didn’t matter and he was ignored , while she was extremely attentive to her two daughters. So while I realized early on he wasn’t right I stayed for the longest time because of the kids. Then I stayed because I felt sorry for him but in the last three years it had just gotten so toxic and obviously the marriage was over I was a shell. Things came to a head when I told him I knew he didn’t like me and he turned his back on me and walked away and never addressed that sentence or try to correct me or anything it was like I never said it. he always did what he wanted to do on his own anyway so now he had his excuse to not have to deal with me at all because I accused him of some thing . In the past if II was included in his life, it was true there was always somebody else who’s attention he was trying to get he would always pick somebody out in the room to be his “girlfriend” and try and make eye contact constantly…so humiliating. And of course everybody thinks he’s a great guy that’s what I call him the great guy. He caught me and peeled off that mask and I spent years trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. Took me so long actually until last summer I finally read an article on narcissistic personality disorder and I said oh my God there he is. It’s a bit of relief to know I’m not crazy after all. I’ve since moved out he didn’t make much of a scene at all, I’m Presuming it’s because there’s some thing he’s still going to try and get out of me like the vampire that he is.

  12. do everything to leave. NOW. Your children will see this as acceptable because it's all they know. Do it for them if you can't do it for you. Your job is to protect them and this is absolutely necessary for their future. Would you be happy if they lived in this situation with their partner or spouse? This is what will happen because it's familiar. Because you are doing living this way, your children will think this is normal. This is hell on earth. Leave any way possible. Get your important papers and go to a safe house. You already know you should leave. this is your sign to go thru with it. Or, you wouldn't be telling us.

  13. This is him. I know others may say that too, but this is truly like you are watching my life, even down to the things you said they’ll say. For example, him saying I’m so mean to him, saying “he’ll give it back to me as good as I get”. And then being so cruel I’m left in shock, not even sure exactly what I said that he’s considering so mean. He’ll even take the things I’ve said completely wrong to what I mean, or even saying I’ve said something completely different that I did. Everything to him is transactional, but the transactions that I’ve taken are all in his head and made up, but I can’t ever convince him of that. I’ve left him so many times I can’t even count. I try to get away and he never left and go, then I grow tired of fighting and it’s easier just to give in. I’ve left again, I hoping this is the last time I hear from him. I hope if I do, I’m strong enough to stay in contact. I found your piece very enlightening. I suspected he suffered from NPD. He grew up with an alcoholic father that was neglectful, and a mother who tried to overcompensate by turning him into her “perfect little partner”. Now I’m more certain than ever that I’m not just “crazy” or “losing it”. It’s not me…it’s him. 😔

    1. You write: “Everything to him is transactional, but the transactions that I’ve taken are all in his head and made up, but I can’t ever convince him of that.” To our readers, this is so because the NPD isn’t interested in resolving the issue. They are interested in getting their way. They will accuse you to distract from what they are doing. Stop trying to convince him. Own your own truth. Tell him he is free to think what he wants, but he isn’t free to share these imaginings with you. The back-and-forth of Hoovering is the repeated broken promises of a love affair you once thought you had, and are promised you’ll have back. I think the hardest thing is to realize you created this love affair in your own head. No, you aren’t losing it. You are unhappy and things need to change. -Dr.K

  14. Have been married for 40 years next year, after a quick whirlwind romance. My first red flag was the night of our elopement…'what do we do now' as we entered our hotel room after a long drive, and it's been downhill since then. No sex for decades, and very little physical intimacy or comfort of any sort. He retired 3 years ago with no planning or preparation – I was not a participant in that decision, not allowed – but have been impacted by it greatly. He doesn't know how to fill his days…now addicted to news blogs on his phone – up to 12 hours a day. I've been a stay at home mum for our whole marriage, but also always juggled casual work when the kids were at school or when in bed at night. His job was all important, with long hours, so all household tasks and parenting duties fell to me. I've realized now that he has been making me to blame for his post retirement unhappiness, and for his 30 year career not resulting in the kudos and money he thought it would. We have 3 married kids, 3 grandchildren but no-one knows how lonely it has been for years. The last 3 years have been so unpredictable… his reactions are out of proportion in tiffs (major arguments to him) and most nights I sleep in another room as I can't sleep next to someone who clearly dislikes me. I have had the first of 3 surgeries this year and things seem to be so much worse leading up to doctor's visits or medical scans etc. It makes me feel so guilty about being sick. Is not looking after a sick spouse part of overt narcissism? I feel the loneliest I have ever felt, at the moment. and terrified of the coming year, especially if things aren't resolved medically. I'm 68 and don't really know how to plan my exit, while actually needing him to help me physically with practical caring and doing the housework post- surgeries. That makes me feel more guilty. It just goes around in my head like a loop and is exhausting.

    1. To answer your question, yes. When a covert narcissist is expected to care for a sick spouse, the resentment and underlying hostility is palpable. Jennifer, there are many groups you can join online to get emotional support. Understanding what to expect and what is unlikely to happen from your husband is an important first step. You’ve already taken that. Now is the time to plan to take care of yourself and maybe turn to your children, as well. My best wishes. -Dr. K

    2. I’m a caregiver. Many women who outlive their husbands rely on caregivers for post surgical support. You can yell, scream, cry and be yourself with a professional.

  15. This sounds much like my husband. Through our 42 year marriage, something has always seemed off about him in ways that were difficult for me to understand or describe. In our early years, we were close, but looking back, it's apparent that he was always short on empathy for me. I remember when I sprained my ankle when we were hiking, and he was angry at me, because he wanted to get back home–he couldn't see my pain. I've also had a lot of medical issues, including a severe rheumatoid arthritis attack when I was in my 20s. He saw this as a competition and went on about his medical issues, refusing to help me with our three young children. He has also had a tendency to say cruel things, sometimes about my body. Now we're in our 60s, and he has gotten more and more selfish and distant. He never compliments me or says anything nice about me. I don't think he finds me attractive anymore, but he denies it. We haven't slept together for more than two years. Last night he told me that due to the political climate in the USA, we, or just him, will move to another country. Shocked, I said, "What? And if I don't wish to move?" He said, "I hope you'll come with me, but if not I'm still going." I can't tell you how much this hurt for him to say he's willing to leave me and his family behind. My heart is still heavy about it. I couldn't sleep last night. And he acted like he couldn't understand why I was so upset. I feel unloved, unwanted, and unappreciated.

    1. Yep. You are in the “discard” phase. He no longer sees you as a narcissistic supply, so “come if you want to.” It’s shocking and debilitating. Now is the time to read all you can, learn all you can, and develop your own strength and courage. You will need it. -Dr.K

  16. This has been my life with 2 Narcissistic husbands (1 ex and 1 current) since 1994.. I understand why I have been so tolerant with the abuse since I was raised in a very abusive home. Both of my parents were violent alcoholics and I realize that I overlooked the signs simply because I was just so used to being verbally and emotionally abused that it was just easier for me to deal with, with a hope that it will change. Especially with my current husband since he professes to be a Christian. We have been married for 16 years. (my current husband) Throughout our marriage, situations have gotten worse.. I've regressed into a shell.. with no recollection of who I am anymore. My self esteem is pretty much gone, I don't have any confidence left anymore, and I feel like a basic robot that he can turn on when he wants to talk at me.. I have to drop everything, stare at him in the eyes and listen carefully to what he has to say.. anything other than that will throw him into a rage, or he will stomp away and sulk. Anything I say, he simply either walks away or starts doing something without listening. I've learned not to show any criticism, even if it's simply constructive towards him, is a dangerous thing to do.. so I simply don't criticize him. I just sit there and say sorry when he criticizes me though. His mother is exactly the same way. And he is a friendly, great person outside our home and in our church.

    There are not very many options for me. I am 60 years old, jobless, too depressed, too anxious, all alone with no family and he is friendly with our church family. I can’t seek professional help, he handles the finances.. Sometimes I think the only way out of this would be foe me to get cancer, etc.. and die.

    1. It’s hard to have hope, Katie. But people do leave, go through hell, and emerge stronger, better people. Consider joining a group that is free where you can talk it out, or take time to read. You can heal. You can develop your own life, whether or not you decide to stay or go. You have the start of insight into yourself. Now keep it going to learn about the process of healing. Start with “The Body Keeps the Score.” Then keep going. Believe in yourself. -Dr.K

      1. I love that you recommend this book, The Body Keeps the Score. I think covert narcissistic husbands are suffering from some form of trauma and wives feed into it and ENABLE it as loving caregivers. This is what I learned about myself over 30 with this type of husband. The first step to healing yourself is getting back into your body, taking loving care of yourself (rather than him!) and learning to be alone. The Great Katherine Hepburn learned how to be alone because she did not want a man to treat her like this. I learned how to be alone and Wow! What an improvement in my life. My husband notices I've distanced, that I am joyful and happy and living my best life, whether or not he joins me, in fact, I got up the courage to ask him to move out over a year ago and let caution to the wind and God/The Universe swooped in and made me wonderfully happy and healthy again. I've somehow managed financially though I was a stay at home for 25 years. I also love yoga!! This may be the one things that changed my life. My relationships with everyone in my life healed, I just feel better and a light came on inside me. I'm so much better without this person sucking the joy out of my life. All of your stories resonate with me so much. It breaks my heart!! It is so much better to disconnect from these sad frightening men. Good luck everyone.

        1. Whether it is trauma or something else, everyone has to not only be responsible for healing, they need to not continue the pattern of traumatic interacting with others. Thank you for your hopeful story!!! -Dr.K

  17. Dr. McMahon,
    My husband of 21 years is a covert narcissist. He checks every single box with the hallmark lack of empathy and he even states he feels like he wears a mask and feels empty inside and says he doesn't really know who he is. His mother and brother are overt narcissists. His mother had has an emotional incesstual relationship with my husband. His father is avoidant and enables mom and brother and gladly overworked himself to avoid being home with the mother. We failed 3 couples therapists. Each of them my husband would have secret meetings and send secret emails to them and he aligned himself with the therapists against me and it worked because they thought he is such a nice guy even though he is physically, emotionally, verbally, and financially abusing me. He gaslights, triangulates, deceives me and is dishonest, and subtly manipulates me. He gives me vague answers and leaves me confused and blames me for his and his families' bad behavior. I have cPTSD from my own birth family and married into his family hoping to share the love I longed for, but they are just as toxic and abusive as my birth family. My husband fierces defends them even when they are clearly wrong. He would just sit there and watch me get verbally and emotionally abused by them and recently has said I deserve the abuse. This is when I realied something was majorly wrong. He knows he had childhood abuse, I don't think he can make strides to actually understand how his childhood abuse is affecting our marriage. I don't believe he will change. Covert narcissists don't change, correct. My spirit is broken and I am working on healing myself. Covert narcissists don't change, correct? I don't want to be in this marriage for another 20+ years dealing with this. Would like your opinion.

    1. People change when they believe something is wrong and they need to make it right inside of themselves. People don’t change because someone wishes and hopes and prays that they do. The problem with therapy and the covert narcissist is that so few therapists work with Cluster B personalities. What I would say, Sara, is that you don’t need to know if “covert narcissists” can change. You have to know if YOUR husband will change. You can only learn this by establishing very clear boundaries with him, and very clear consequences when he fails to respect them. Then watch. But many women with your history ask “How do I know what boundaries to establish?” That takes time and practice. That takes knowing what “acceptable” behavior is. Once you develop the education and practice for yourself (“What colors are my favorite? How do I want to care for myself today?”), then you can say: “Oh, I’m sorry. You have mistaken me for someone you can talk to like that. You can’t.”

      Here is a good book to start with: The Gaslight Effect.

  18. I need help to affirm reality. I’m a child trafficking survivor and I relate to all of this very much. I’m struggling to hold myself together and nothing I say or do changes anything. I need another human being to tell me if I’m crazy so I know what I should do. He’s breaking me down and has only apathy. I am exhausted after 19 years of this and he still will just find a way to shame me back into a cowering groveling spot. I survived hell and he knows it only for this to be my forever. I’m ashamed and guilt stricken and desperately need help someone to talk to. Some guidance. My mother is a drug addict I have no contact with any one. I have 2 little kids. I didn’t know how bad this was or what it was going to me. I’ve been trying to heal my childhood trauma and I can’t I am stuck and causing more damage. I am scared. He would shame me for all of this. And look at me like I’m crazy or tell me I’m possessed. I need help.

    1. Your feelings are totally understandable, given your situation. It is a process, and you need to find a very good therapist who understand the impact of manipulation. Then work, step-by-step, day by day to learn a little more, understand a little more, and grasp both his method of operating to manipulate you, and how you get sucked in. You have Developmental or complexed PTSD. It is going to take time and patience. Your time and patience. Every day you can learn more until you feel strong, but you need a guide. If therapy is out of the question, there are support groups on line or even chat rooms where woman talk about their situation. Like these comments, you will see yourself and your partner in these stories. I will say it again, it is a slow process to remove yourself bit by bit. And you need a good guide. Best to you, Lana. -Dr. K

  19. Hi, this is so my relationship in a nutshell. Thank God we did NOT have any children together. I never wanted any with him anyway especially after finding out how he truly was and finding out how his whole family is. They all are a bunch of needy asses, disrespectful, condescending, self-absorbed pricks and asshole parents and siblings. They show me NO respect even in my own home but then again how can I expect respect when my own husband doesn't show respect to me nor back me? I've been married for 19 years together 29 years total and we have been through hell and back and a lot of the times I never understood his selfishness and NO empathy. He was very harsh a lot of the times towards me leaving me feeling like, WOW! What did I really do to deserve this kind of behavior. Through the years though I learned a lot and when we separated due to his selfish ways and discarding ways I had to leave. I came back after 6 months of his full-blown nasty behavior and affair he had. I guess because it did not work out with her and her 5 children, he wanted me back. I guess he needed a break and something new. I wish I had never come back to him. After the separation and coming back, I paid attention. My family educated me on Narcissism and Psychopathic behavior. I then did my own research. I've been studying him and his family since and have come to realization that his parents are narcissistic and his siblings are the same and his father is the worst of them all, he is a straight up malignant Narcissist, from what I have read and watched, the worst kind. It's sad because it says a lot about my husband and his childhood and explains all of his behaviors. I had to go into counseling myself to understand my feelings and emotions. After 5 years of therapy, I am disgusted by all their behaviors and can't stand to be around any of them for the holidays or birthdays or anniversaries or even going anywhere on vacations with them. He bows to their every need and wants while ignoring mine. He says yes to everything they want and no to me. I've spent a lot of my years helping him and his family because they are all so needy. Not focusing on myself or my needs it's always been for them. I have basically put myself my life on hold to suffice them and it has damaged me and put me behind in my life moving forward. I got with him at 27, now I am 54 and have nothing of my own to show for my life and everything we have is wrapped up in his mother's name, his home, his inheritance and his vehicles are all in his parents' names. The only car we have I bought and is in my name. So, all that being said, if we were to divorce, I'd be screwed and left with nothing. ugh What do you do in my situation??

    1. Contact a very good lawyer. Many states don’t care who’s name something is in, they look at EVERYONE’S assets and split them Stuff in his Mother’s name, you would need a forensic accountant for. But it sounds like you are still in theh thick of it emotionally with him.I don’t know why you still spend holidays with folks you don’t respect. This is truly time for you to assess your own needs, after you have spoken to those who’s job it is to know. Then go “grey rock” and allow the professionals to do their job. You intellectually seem to know. Emotionally, however, I’m not convinced. -Dr. K

  20. Thank you Dr. K for this article. It resonates so much with me and I am currently "stuck" in marriage for 15+ years, a relationship for 20, with 2 kids, with a "really nice guy." I have suffered from years of gaslighting without realizing it. The "fishing trip" example you mentioned actually happened to me, the day after our wedding when we were supposed to be going on a group activity that I had planned. I have gone through all the emotions and confusion that you mention as a result of his subtle abuses, where he always identifies as the victim and smears my image at any moment possible – and where the kids and the cat always like me better, so he can go watch football for hours, and I can never get away because it's not worth his silent rage and contempt that results. I am enduring this at the moment only because I don't see the alternatives, financially and emotionally for our children, as a better choice. I think if I try to leave him in this situation it will be ruinous for everyone, even if the pain is short (like 2 – 3 years). So, my plan has been to just keep buying time — removing myself emotionally, trying to shrug it all off — until finally this year something snapped. Now he fears that I am serious about divorce so he is "love bombing" me. It's hard on me emotionally but even harder on the kids I think, and right now I'm going along with it the best I can just to keep things calm because I have finally (after many many years of asking) motivated him to get individual counseling. I am under no impression that this counseling will be life-changing for him, but now the cat is out of the bag that our marriage is on the fritz, and I am hoping this step will allow us to divorce amicably. I am somehow satisfied to know that I'm aware of all his tricks, games, and manipulations, and I am in control. I just have to think of it like being with a boyfriend who you are planning to break up with, and hopefully setting the stage for a drama-free divorce (next year, maybe 2) to mitigate the pain for everyone involved. I would love to hear your thoughts… and yes, I am in therapy also and have been for many years. Thank you.

  21. Thank you for this article. This is spot on for my husband. After four years of marriage, his pornography addiction came out after multiple attempts throughout the years of me asking since I suspected something, and his repeated lies and then gaslighting me into thinking it was all in my head. Now, within a month of his addiction coming into the light, he's also expressed resentment against me, calling me controlling and manipulative. He tells me all the ways he resentments (one of which is not being supportive of him playing video games and calling them childish when we have responsibilities like a house, a child etc), and then he also told me he fantasizes about another life, not necessarily with a particular person, but just a different life with a different woman, all the while telling me he loves me and wants our marriage to work. I don't even know how to proceed. I watched my mom suffocate in a marriage to an overt narc and experienced abuse by him as well as a child. One of the huge reasons my husband was so appealing to me when we dated was his cool, even temper and his heart for others, and now it seems like the only one he's thinking of himself. I just don't think his words of wanting to fight for our marriage are genuine when he's telling me he resents me and is fantasizing about another life and with a hard porn addiction. I'm not sure what to do.

  22. I’m 74 and I want to offer a ray of hope to the women here suffering the pain of these seemingly impossible relationships. From 1983-2007 I was also married to a man who exhibited every negative trait mentioned in this wonderful article. It’s like you are living in an alternate universe and can’t seem to lift the fog and finally see the reality of the situation. I had multiple and varied reasons for why I stayed, from fear of the unknown, what would others think, and even familiarity with the dysfunction that I would have to compare with Stockholm syndrome. What triggered my awakening was coming across the books by Patricia Evans on abusive relationships and seeing my husband’s personality explained on every page. It still took awhile to sink in, but I now had solid reasoning to validate my experiences and help lift the cloud of confusion. I can honestly say after I left and had my own place that it took a couple years of what I can only describe as PTSD symptoms but also the indescribable total relief of having peace and quiet and a feeling of being free. The feeling of freedom that washes over you is so emotional that you will feel it for a long long time and it will make you protect yourself and not ever let this happen again. You will gain confidence and self awareness in your ability to see things as they really are. I did not date or have another relationship in 10 years after that split. I learned so much about myself and how I contributed to my inability to take action sooner than I did and that my own quality of life is a priority and I’m my own best advocate. I learned to value myself and that I’m worth being treated with love, kindness and respect at at times. You can all reach this same place and experience how wonderful and different your life can be. I am now married to my soulmate, and it’s proof that kind, loving and supportive men exist and your life will be greatly enhanced by that kind of love. My prayer is that you can all see this is possible Dr you. Much love my sisters.

    1. Thank you so much for sharing. It is giving me hope in a difficult time. I’ve retained an attorney, hired a realtor, and blocked my ex’s phone number. I feel heartbroken and lonely but know it’s the right thing. Everyone’s comments on this article have provided comfort and strength— thank you, sisters

  23. Wow, I feel so moved by the article and comments I feel compelled to leave a comment

    Almost two months ago, my husband (together 6 years, married for less than 2) sat me down and unleashed years worth of resentments against me he had been storing up inside. I was blindsided. He said I need to make serious changes because he won’t stay in this kind of relationship. I was gutted thinking I single-handedly ruined our marriage. He watched me cry and sob over this without ever tearing up himself, showing compassion, etc. He looked at me with contempt

    A few weeks later, he admitted (over text) to having and emotional and sexual affair with a “close friend”, starting when I was only a few months postpartum with our first child. He acted as though telling me this was a favor to me, HE had a really hard time during my pregnancy, and my reaction was blowing way out of proportion

    My husband was always the “nice” guy, always kind to my family, is beloved at work. I was absolutely floored that he was capable of having an affair

    He claims that I broke his self esteem down to nothing over several years by being vocal about needs going unmet, his lack of interest in doing family activities on the weekend, his lack of participation in keeping up the house

    He gaslighted me so convincingly for a long time that my mental health was out of control, my medication for depression were not right. At times I felt I needed to check myself in for treatment, as I was clearly able to see his version of reality

    In couples therapy, my therapist was struck by how condescending he was to me, making me the “identified patient,” and scapegoating his affair on my “mental health.” I hadn’t been able to see this on my own because the gaslighting had made me question myself so much

    I’m in the process of filing divorce and I want to be grateful that I’m getting out of the relationship 6 years in as opposed to 10,15,20 or more. He has been unable to take true accountability for the affair and blames that I basically pushed him to do it

    1. Ya, and he won’t take responsibility for it, either. Be prepared for the wild stories about your “abuse” and how he couldn’t take it anymore. And make sure you recognize that you will need time to heal. Perhaps years, after you have no more contact with him. You have children, so be prepared for him to use them without conscience, to “get back at you” and hurt them in order to do it. My best advice is to go “grey rock” which is no reaction: no tears, no anger, no confusion, nothing. Find a very good divorce attorney who has worked with narcissistic men. They will not be surprised by the outrageous demands. Then make everything go through a third party. I say this to all of the women reading: It takes years to recover from this type of marriage, and you will remain very much still “under his spell” continuing to blame yourself. Or yearn for the “love bomb stage” that you thought was true love. Or believing he will change. The more contact you have, the more you will be impacted by the sad stories, the tearful efforts to reunite (if it suits him) or the hostile attacks. Whether you feel grateful now, Anon, you will feel fortunate that you didn’t have even another month of this type of crazy-making. Thanks for your comment. -Dr. K

  24. Thank you so much for this article. This article describes 30+ years of life with my husband (who I am currently separated from). It is the most accurate description of my husband that I have read in the past 4 years of separation, protective orders, police visits, court hearings, suicide threats, mental hospital, etc. He has been diagnosed with MS, borderline personality disorder, DID, sex addiction, kidney failure, Lupus, and more. Whenever I call him out on his lies, he tries to guilt me for attacking someone who is suffering with health issues. But he has not thanked me for the decades that I took care of him with his MS diagnosis.
    We still share a joint checking account until our youngest graduates from high school in two years. In the meantime, I am also finishing up my masters degree in hopes of cutting all financial ties. Upon our sons graduation, I will file for divorce. He tells everyone that will listen that he is a changed man while actively lying.
    Lying is not an accurate description of his actions. He fabricates stories, characters, emails, etc. It is so much more than a lie. He had a double life of cheating, dating websites, porn and promises of good sex to other women while at the same time, telling me that he loved me. He was fabricating lies and cheating from the moment we met. He uses his poor health as a way to gain sympathy and to play the victim. He is in such poor health yet he runs hundreds of miles a week for years. He has an obsession/addiction to running. He runs all the time. He also lies or exaggerates about his health. His best friend is a priest so he uses the Church in his attacks against me. He had a double life that he hid from me for decades. He frequently tells me that I am full of hate and he does not understand where all of the hate is coming from. I have done nothing but protect myself and the children by seeking protective orders and not responding to his hundreds of emails, and texts. Very few people know the truth. A lot from our community feel sorry for my husband and do not know or understand my perspective. I do not care but it is beyond frustrating for me and the kids when he succeeds at fooling everyone around him that he is such a nice guy who made a mistake, and the kids and I are unforgiving and have hardened hearts. I am grateful for my children and that they see what I see, otherwise, I would lose my mind. I still cannot believe someone is capable of living his life in such a way. My heart is broken.

    1. I am struck by your story. It is so classic. These people can be hyper-concerned about their own health, demanding that accommodations be made for their bad behavior, because of it. At the same time, they show total disinterest in the care you provide. It is never thoughtful enough, caring enough, or “enough enough.” In contrast, they find your own health conditions of no interest to them whatsoever. I believe you do the smart thing not protesting other’s perspectives of you or him. “Flying Monkeys” who advocate for these husbands will not believe you, and to quote Shakespeare, others will believe “doth protest too much” making you look guilty.

      The wisest course is the one you’ve taken, which is to expect nothing, trust nothing, protect yourself, and try to heal. Healing, in this contexts, means you were love-bombed, mirrored in your hopes and dreams, and then discarded one you fell ing love. He never loved you. He’s incapable of love. You just bought the lie because in all likelihood you are a person who is open to self-reflection and of generous heart. You kept looking inward to see if there was any truth to what he was telling you. Giving “the benefit of the doubt” is toxic to you. He projects his own hatred of you. He hates you because you are able to do something that he never will: Love. He hates your capacity to love him and wants to make you suffer for being such a fool. He will use anything and anyone to prove to himself that you are below worthless.

      Know that because you do not have complete cut-off from him, he will continue to manipulate and hurt you. If you can find a way to have a buffer between you and he, do so. Your great crime is to have once loved him a great deal. Now he is punishing you for that crime by soiling your name to anyone who will listen with his lies and harmful stories.

      As you begin to trust yourself, you will begin to have destructive thoughts and feel heartbroken less and less. Hard to believe, I am sure, but eventually he will become “someone that I used to know…” You will tolerate no lies from others, no fabrications to improve their image, no slanting what you said for their own purposes. You will want to be around people who see you for your radiant self. You will leave wiser and skeptical of others, but eventually just wiser, because you will learn to trust your internal judgment. Then you will be free to love again.

      I wish you all the best during this time of heartbreak. Remember my words: “He never loved you. It was a mirage he set up to get you to supply him with what he demanded. Because he never loved you, there is nothing to go back to, no genuine “good times” to recreate. You were fooled because you were open and willing to love. That was your only crime.”

  25. This article is so helpful. I’ve spent 3 months since the violent discard, trying to put my finger on exactly what I endured, and this article outlines it. The only difference in my story was the violent physical discard. He snapped. I wasn’t being subservient enough. It was like someone suddenly turned the volume way up. The level of rage that came out of him was life altering. And then he went right back to the quiet covert narc that he is.
    And he served me with divorce papers. (Thanks-one less thing to do).
    I am disoriented, heartbroken, and FREE.

    1. Yes, I have heard about the flash violence or threatened aggression from other people. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. It’s a good thing he served you. It is often not done, as they fear looking like the “bad guy.” However, get the very best lawyer you can afford and do it soon. Often the divorce process is horrific and LONG. Thanks for your comment. -Dr. K

  26. I recently started to believe my husband is a covert narcissist. Can these people change? Is it possible for them to truly be a better person or is change not likely?
    Thank you, you're writing is spot on.

    1. It is a personality disorder, so it is resistant to change, because it is “ego syntonic” meaning they don’t see anything wrong with their behavior. However, like all personality disorders, with the right situation as motivation, and a good therapist, yes, they can change. But it will take many years and few are willing to stick it out, preferring a “miracle cure” when therapy starts to get close to the heart of the matter. -Dr. K

      1. Dr. K,

        Is there any correlation of ego syntonic patterns to those commonly identified with Aspergers or ASD level 1?

        I’ve found many similarities/ parallels in behaviors, patterns, and pathologies to existing research on neurodiverse marriages. I’m interested to hear your thoughts on this.

        1. I’m not exactly sure what you mean, so feel free to ask again if this doesn’t answer it. Neurotypical individuals are often confused with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but the similarities are only on the surface. If you are “mindblinded” then of course you are going to embrace your own point of view more enthusiastically because you can’t see or understand anyone else’s well.Those who are on the spectrum have had pretty bad experiences with neurotypicals often, so they may be externally pleasant and agreeable. He or she may also have learned that expressing their views might lead to big trouble so they might be withholding. Those on the spectrum are typically hypersensitive by biochemistry, so check on that one. And “masking” is a very common trait because in order to pass in the neurotypical world, they have to “play the part.” It is exhausting, however, so they often drop it when they walk in the door. Self-absorbed I already addressed, and of course an empathy deficit, at least on a bodily level. If you can cognitively explain what your experience is, calmly and rationally, they are about as empathetic as the next person. So right you are, Jean! Lots of similarities, at least superficially. -Dr. K

  27. This article so sums up my husband of 38 yeaars. I didn't suspect him of narcissism as he is different to my first husband who was frankly terrifying and also my mother who was openly abusive. I realised about 15 years ago that these people were narcissists and I did a lot of self work to get rid of the feelings that had dogged me all my life. It's only recently that I came to realise that my husband was one too. I was young and vulnerable whrn we met and starting over after an awful first marriage. I got the love bombing followed by a speedy marriage which very quicly cooled off leaving me feeling terribly sad and rejected. I stayed because I didn't quite know what was wrong and we had a family so I felt I had to succeed with it. He will never discuss anything, he is dismissive of everyting I say and do, yet nice as pie to everyone else, until he falls out with them, which is always their fault never his. He is out and about in public as he performs in pubs and posts videos of himself performing on F/B, he craves peoples admiration for his narcisisstic supply. In private he sulks and whinges and even finds fault with his young grandchildren going off sulking when we go out and complaining to me afterwards. I no longer have love left for him and know that I have to leave and start over – not easy in your mid sixties and for the second time but I deserve better than this life of living with an emotionally blunted man who laughs at me if i say the least little thing, he accepts no responsibility everything is always my problem according to him.

  28. Your article is spot on Thank you I have been in a marriage with a covert narcissist for about 14 yrs now When I first met him he was a single dad good looking very nice and charming and he worshipped the grounds I walked on he wanted me to move in with him quickly I moved in the 1st week😟 poor judgement😔 I thought I hit gold when I met him single mom nursing student with a 2 yr old son I told him that I would keep my apartment for a year and if it works out between us I will not renew my lease red flags ( I believe to this day he held back until my lease was up) showed up early in that 1st yr that I chose to ignore sex stopped the 2nd week( we only have sex at least 9 times a yr ) I met him and then he didn’t want me to touch him intimately and he sure didn’t touch me he blamed me and that he worked long hours and he need to go to bed early to get up for work his career as a bus driver was demanding so I did my best to try to believe that was the reason but by the 2nd month I knew something wasn’t right I reached out one night to touch him he told me to stop doing that something told me to get up and leave then but no I just couldn’t I didn’t have my rent control apt anymore His anger was on 10 he punched walls and doors doing arguments then after every argument he would tell me maybe the relationship wasn’t for me that if I couldn’t accept him maybe I should move out and if I did gather my things to go he would say he loved me and my son and he didn’t want us to go (manipulation ) this would happen after every argument or conversation for years that I would have if I was talking to him about how the relationship wasn’t working he never wanted to go out with me or the kids and he if did he wouldn’t be happy about it or engaging and as soon as it was over he would floor it home he never ever accepts responsibility he projects his feelings on to me he shuts down for hours only to tell me he ‘s tired or sleepy he doesn’t curl up in bed next to me or hold me and if he does do it only after asking him to do it feels phony not loving snoring in my ear when he has a sleep apnea mask that he know he has to put on he gas lights me and he has never been genuinely kind or nice to me when I was sick it’s always like I’m bothering him he becomes in my opinion angry if I wake him up with a problem the one thing I can’t stand is he stops talking to me for hours even if we didn’t have an argument then after a couple of hours ask if he can get me something The only reason why I know he is one is because I have been studying and learning everything I can for the pass 3 yrs about narcs because one evening I happened to come across it on my feed on Instagram there was a women and she was telling women to be aware of narcissists because until then I never heard about them he also do the the dead eyes thing too like he’s not in his body he also does the inappropriate yawn like he ‘s bored if I’m having a conversation with a stranger in a store or a neighbor he jumps right in the conversations he also never ever been on my side being with a narc is basically abuse it is abuse mental abuse!!! I have anxiety now 😔I can go on and on but I will be here all night but that women on Instagram saved me and if I can help someone with my shared experiences I’m glad btw I have set up boundaries I can’t afford to leave him just yet start nursing school next yr then I out of this nightmare for good god willing ☺️

  29. I have been with a man whom I suspect is a covert narcissist for almost 13 years now, married 11. We moved countries and in his home country he was very loving and attentive and affectionate. Once we moved to my home country he became cold and distant and withholding. Our sex life stopped over 7 years ago because I always felt he wasn't really present; he was just going through the motions with his eyes closed. He does not make eye contact with me. He reminds me how much he sacrificed for me to come to my country, and yes, I agree he did give up a lot. But he is not the same man I dated and was married to when we lived overseas. He NEVER apologizes for anything mean or rude that he has said or done to me, and I find myself questioning if I'm the problem in our relationship. He has NEVER complimented me or told me he loves me unless I tell him first. Lately I've realized that he doesn't seem to even like me, and he's completely uninterested in me as a person, because he is not curious about me or my life before him at all, and has never asked me questions about myself. I feel like he put on a big show of interest when he met me and then once we were a couple he stopped pretending to be interested. He has NEVER hugged me and even though I've told him a number of times about how I feel and what I need from him as far as attention or warmth or affection, he seems to listen but not hear. He will not take any advice or suggestions from me, and treats his friends with more warmth and affection and interest than he does me. I want to extricate myself from this situation but I don't know where to begin because we have a house and I have run up a lot of debt paying our expenses because he quit his job and works intermittently. I don't think he would be violent toward me if I left, but I found out he punched his ex-wife in the face and knocked out her teeth when she took him to court to divorce him. I'm stuck between wanting to leave but being afraid of the consequences from him.

  30. I resonate with so much of what you said. I'm struggling because I have severe unmedicated adhd. It's hard for me to know if I'm being overly sensitive to criticism from my rejection sensitivity or if he is a closet narcissist. I am very introverted. I have the type of adhd where I fear being a disappointment, fear of mistakes, fear of social anxiety. However, before this relationship these things weren't as noticeable and did not bother me. Now, I feel like he is constantly criticizing me and not constructively. He points out all my flaws and mistakes. He is always right even if I prove him wrong he is still right. He can not apologize and the fights are my fault. He makes me think I'm going crazy when I tell him the faces he makes, the tones of voices he uses, the snarky comments he makes are hurtful to me. He's impatient. He tells me I'm overly sensitive and that he was not annoyed, he did not have a tone, he did not make a face. We fight so much just over me not understanding why he's mad and him telling me he's not mad when clearly I can see he is. He is controlling. He has not and makes excuses to not meet my family. He tells me being friends with ppl I work with is stupid. He does not compliment me. He does not kiss me. Hugs feel forced. He doesn't look at me when we have sex and there is no intimacy. He doesn't even show that the sex even feels good, sometimes I'm not even aware that he has "finished" like he can't show that he feels pleasure. I ask him why he loves me and he never has an answer. Even though i can tell him why I love him. He sucks the joy out of life. I'll be in a wonderful mood just after work smiling and somehow his negativity spreads to me and I'm miserable like him. He does that to me a lot. I'll wake up in a good mood and he sucks that away. One thing he does that is wild to me is take all the things I feel he does and flip them to make it seem like I'm doing them. He tells me I'm always negative when all I can think is that he is the negative one. He tells me all I do is complain when really all he does is complain. It makes it so confusing. I am afraid to be myself and I've lost who I am trying to be the person he wants me to be. Constantly telling me what is good and bad for me. I cry with him more than anyone I've been with in my life. I don't know what to do because there are good times sometimes. He can be generous and helpful. I'm a recovering addict who finally got off medication assisted therapy because of him. However I'm not sure if that is because he was helping me or controlling me. I feel like I'm rambling as I could go on forever about what he does that isn't right. I just now that for the last 2 years I've felt like something was not right with him. There is something missing there. Relationships aren't supposed to be like this but I have never had a healthy relationship as I was an addict who dated other addicts. In some ways this relationship is the healthiest one I've ever had and in other ways it's the most toxic relationship I've ever had. Its so confusing. And my adhd makes it harder to see clearly as I struggle with emotional regulation, attention, focus, memory, communicating my thoughts, interrupting. I tell myself it must be me and my shit is too annoying to bare. Regardless if find myself to be happy, easy to get along with, funny, friendly, empathetic and everyone likes me at my job. But when I come home I can't be myself and I'm very unhappy after 4 years of suppressing my loving, easy going, happy go lucky, even my silly humor. I cry more than I'm happy and I can't take it anymore!

  31. I believe we (the victims) keep looking for the fault on ourselves because we actually wish that to be true. If we are the problem, we can fix it and then fix the relationship and be happy. 🙁 So, understanding that the fault is not on us is at the same time a relief and a disappointment because we face the reality that there’s no fix and we have to live.

  32. The way you describe this terrible type of partner could easily be wrongly attributed to many husbands who are not in fact covert narcissists. While you do put a short disclaimer at the end you confuse several issues by using so many words in quotes and including gaslighting and emotional abuse to further conflate the issue of narcissism.

    You seem to overlook the parental and societal conditioning which most men receive that leave them ignorant of emotional intelligence, i.e. boys don't cry. Any woman who reads your article would find exactly what they want to hear without taking any accountability of their own possible shortcomings with communication.

    My wife of 19 years (total of 27 years together) has asked me for a divorce and has implied that she thinks I am a covert narcissist. She has also subscribed to Dr. Raman, another doctor who seems to diagnose every unhappy marriage as a sign of narcissistic abuse and advise only one solution: divorce.

    I hope you realize that you may be destroying people's marriages by being careless. My children love me. I don't ignore them. My dog loves me. Yes, I have had some anger problems about 15 years ago, but I worked on them. My wife, who used to be codependent, has become much more confident in her career and personality in the recent years, while I was experiencing a setback in my career and a drop in my confidence. She clearly lost some respect for me and eventually she lost attraction to me. Articles like yours just help her to play the victim, so she doesn't have to face the fact that she may be married to a normal man who loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

    1. I can’t comment on your marriage, but the men I describe here are not “everyday men.” Covert narcissism has a distinct cluster of symptoms that chronically undercut their partner’s self-confidence, and gaslight women into thinking that “nothing is wrong with me” when clearly something is. The style is much more than “men don’t cry” as many covert narcissistic men are quite able to show emotions.

      If your wife has turned to the internet for answers about the troubles in her marriage, she is clearly in pain. Rather than focus on my writings, I would suggest you examine what might be true for you and then sit down with these traits you’ve gathered and talk to her plainly. Assume she is a reasonable woman who would not be swayed by reading or listening to information that isn’t true about you. Divorce is a big step. If you are invested in saving your marriage, be grateful that you can turn to information like this. You can make your case by trying to understand how she might be right, rather than by how I might be “destroying marriages.” My job is to save marriages, but to also discuss some cases where this is going to be challenging to do. I’m sure you celebrate your wife’s greater confidence. It sounds odd that such a confident woman wants to pathologize you for some clearly irrational reason. Seek out science-based couples therapy, but first go into “admitting mode” and stop insulting her by assuming she has absolutely no reason to doubt you or your behavior. She just might. -Dr. K

      1. Dear Marcus,

        You probably won't see this but thanks for braving posting here.

        As with any other profession (law, education, medicine), people still apply biases and agenda's to the application of their craft.

        Note that every other accusing comment made on this forum has garnered the doctor's agreement and support except for this one. Funny how that is.

        Narcissism is rare. People need you to be a monster to justify what they have done to you (i.e. throwing you under the bus during a setback).

        Just know that there are millions of men out there in the same position as you. Take care of yourself and prioritize being well and feeling good for the rest of your years.

        All the best.

        1. About 7% Anonymous, and I think that is greatly unreported in the case of the covert variety. 23,396,370 people in the USA alone. And unfortunately, I write about it because, despite it being a common subject on the internet, psychotherapists often can’t recognize it, and so they end up doing more harm than good in marriage counseling. This isn’t a “gender thing” Anonymous, as much as you argue that it is. Read my post on narcissistic wives. My agenda is pretty clear: the spouses who are targets of this abuse should recognize what’s happening and make informed decisions. The heart-felt outpouring of the readers here tell me that I’ve strike a cord. Perhaps I’ve done so with you. Don’t own it if it doesn’t fit. -Dr.K

    2. Funny how you take no accountability whatsoever for you wife wanting a divorce. Go through the many times you ignored her complaints and you have your answer. Whether you are a narcissist or not, you clearly did a poor job being a husband otherwise she would still be with you!
      Be humble and acknowledge that you have simply failed. Have you even tried enough? I doubt that!

  33. I just want to thank you for this amazing article. Everything you have written resonates so clearly with me. I am contemplating divorce at the moment. Everyone thinks my husband is great so I will face a huge backlash if the divorce happens.
    To give you an example he made a huge thing about giving this drug addict/criminal man, he met at church, money and some of our possessions to prove how 'nice' he is, but he can't even talk properly to my eldest daughter or show her any love. I keep telling him that charity begins at home but he can't seem to understand what he is doing.

    Getting divorced seems such a huge step. We have been married 13 years

  34. Hi Dr. K
    Perfectly written article. I believe 100% that I am married to type of man. I have 8 very detailed behavior that my spouse shows on the regular basis. You mentioned mostly all of them. Please, how can I get more info on this to better help me understand what Im experiencing and what I can do to help myself combat this awful personality disorder. Thank you

  35. Thank you for writing this, much of it I and I'm sure many others, can relate to.

    My entire adult life has been spent with such a person in a 46 year marriage. Prior to that a childhood with narcissistic parents, being blamed for whatever went wrong, so I always tried to be better and please them.

    My husband had an abusive father well respected in the church and community but behind closed doors belittled him. I felt deep compassion and wanted to help him

    His first rage on our honeymoon storming out of our hotel room at night and into the rainforest. I chased after him in the dark apologizing because he said it was all my fault. Regular outbursts followed week after week with him screaming at me, punching holes in walls and doors, kicking out windows, driving erratically and scaring me to death. I kept fawning, apologizing, trying to keep the peace., trying to make him happy. My gut knew there was something wrong with him but I had no clue what it was or how to deal with it and I was frightened by his anger. I begged him often to get help for his father's damage but he wouldn't.

    Later on when angry numerous times he would grab a knife from the kitchen hold it to his chest and threaten to kill himself saying "see you what you are making me do!" And in the recent past take an overdose of whatever pills he could find resulting in me calling an ambulance, him being kept in hospital on a psych hold, which he then him blamed me for.

    Why did I stay? Because I had no idea I was being abused. I was set up for such a man by my upbringing. It wasn't until the last few years that I realized I have wasted most of my life on the man. I am divorcing him.

    Don't be like me.

  36. "Those first 6 to 18 months of 'paradise' were you loving him and him loving you loving him."

    Bingo! This was a light bulb statement for me. It wasn't him loving me. It was him loving the way I loved him and how I made my whole life about him often to my own detriment. I remember him smiling and saying how content he was.

    Nearly 20 years married now. For years I was trying to get back what we had in our first 18 months of dating! There were red flags but I dismissed them because of the intensity of my love for him.

    "You don’t have control over him, and you never did."

    I knew this deep down but I really tried hard to keep him interested. Its always an effort to get his attention. I lost myself. But slowly I've found out who I am and I actually couldn't care less what he does anymore.

    Since I read this article and all the comments and started learning about npd and other personality disorders, I've slowly started building an independent life. Very, very slowly. He's financially controlling. I have no access to our money unless I ask him. (I'm rolling my eyes and shaking my head – at myself – for thinking this was ok because I loved and trusted him)

    Anyway, it's made me who I am now and I'm looking forward to a bright, free, peaceful future ahead. There is always hope. For me! His journey is none of my business.

    1. Hi Sandee4 Gain financial literacy. If you don’t, you will be surprised to learn how little financial resources you’ve actually accumulated over the last 20 years. The worst think you can do is to storm ahead into a separation or divorce knowing nothing about your joint financial situation because you “trusted” your NPD. You will be shocked to learn that he considered joint resources “his” because he made more money or made “all the money” and feels utterly entitled to steal it (or try to) in the divorce.

  37. As others have commented, this article describes my CN husband of 29 years. I’ve tried many times over the years to separate, but he unleashes such evil behavior on me that I always end up making peace.

    I’m disabled, hopeless and at times—helpless. I can’t leave as I have no family and would have no health insurance. (Luckily there are no children to live this misery.) I keep asking myself, “WHY did you allow this man in your life? There were so many “red flags.” I feel like an idiot.

    Any advice as to strategies that work to survive this? I’ve tried being nice, keeping quiet, speaking my mind, etc., but nothing seems sustainable. He is so mean and cruel at times only to be nice and sweet the next day. I feel like I’m on some evil roller coaster to hell. Most days, I wish that I could just disappear.

    Thank you for the article. At least I now have a name for his dysfunction. I am also tremendously grateful to the hundreds of people who took the time to post. Love and light to all of you! ❤️

  38. Oh wow! I just had this spark in my head. My husband is exactly like what is described here. I am in shock right now. Each and every word describes him. I don't know what to do now. I am in the middle of raising two teenagers and I have a long way to go. Can a narcissist husband change with treatment?

    1. Unfortunately, no. There is no cure for narcissism. I suppose if your husband was fully aware of his behavior & actions & he had a true desire to change both, then of course, however, sadly that's not narcissism or how it works.
      People like myself… & There are several that have posted on here that like myself, being raised in a horribly abusive household by a single parent (mother) who was unbeknownst to me at that time
      a true narcissist. One of the worst.
      I wound up marrying one who, threw me out & divorced me, for being a close friends designated driver for her bday celebration, & picking up & then dropping off all of her friends. I had told my then husband about this well over a month in advance. When it came time of course he wasn't happy because he hated participating in being a father to our son unless all the work was done & he could take credit for it. So, that evening all he had to do was put his son to sleep. He understood I wouldn't be arriving home until 2:30 am after getting everyone home safe. When I arrived home both my son & he were asleep or so I thought. My son was but, upon entering into our bedroom, the first thing out of his mouth was… Why don't you go back to your bar friends? First of all, I didn't have any 'bar friends' as I never went to the bar or even got to go out & now you see why. From that point it just progressively got worse. More verbal abuse, name calling, etc. I felt like I had done a favor for a dear friend & there had been more than one occasion that he had come home from the bar after drinking with his buddies & that of course was okay. It wasn't a bar or a tavern either. He'd go too sleazy strip joints. Fast-forward, after our divorce the first relationship I wound up in was with another narcissist, that lasted 10 years. I had too leave that one. And, yet again, after some down time & focusing on myself, I wound up with another narcissist who I'm in the process of ending it with. I'm finally at the point of my life that I done with all of them & all the abuse that accompanies them, I just want to be alone & have my own place & I just want my own peaceful sanctuary. I've been with this one 12 years & it's been miserable. These last 2 years being the worst. He decided to get hooked on fentanyl. He kept this a secret & hidden from me as long as he could. Our finances that were supposed to be used for traveling a few places we wanted too go have dwindled to nothing because of his drug habit. I've been covertly getting my things packed. He's so messed up on that crap he lays around sleeping or nods out all the time so I'm just using it to my advantage. I feel like another poster mentioned about her husband just being a shell of the man he once was. He claims he loves me & doesn't want too lose me but, hasn't put himself in rehab & keeps wasting money buying this crap illegally & is on it constantly & I've reached the point I'm done. I have to do what's best for me. I'm done with the gaslighting, I'm tired of the excuses that are nothing but flat out lies, I'm tired of being blamed, I'm tired of the silent treatment the immaturity, I can't do this any longer & I don't have too. I should have woken up & left this mess a long time ago. My prayers, best wishes & love go out to each & every one us who are doing everything we can to break such self destructive patterns with asshole narcissistic partners.
      I'll be walking out of here with far less than I came with do to having too leave a lot behind but, the most important thing after all the shit I've been put thru is I'm walking out of here knowing what I will no longer tolerate because I'm placing & enforcing boundaries. I've finally learned that we really do teach people how to treat us. By our lack of boundaries & acceptance. I'm finally past all of it & my guilt is gone so, the only trip I'll be packing my bags for now, is the one by the beach.

      1. You write: “I’m walking out of here knowing what I will no longer tolerate because I’m placing & enforcing boundaries. I’ve finally learned that we really do teach people how to treat us. By our lack of boundaries & acceptance. I’m finally past all of it & my guilt is gone…”

        Amen.

  39. This is the best article I have ever read on covert narcissism, and I have read countless articles, journals, blogs, you tube videos. I can speak from 20 years being married to someone who displays every single thing, every sentence, the dialogue used, the tactics absolutely perfectly as though it was me who had written it about my relationship. He was always a victim, I had no idea and was genuinely trying to help him with whatever struggle he was having. It was 8 months ago that I was able to end it.

    I am an optimist, very empathic, the communication and bouncing ideas and thoughts amonst people is something I enjoy. I believe in reflecting on my own behaviour as well as others. ilie in allowing ourselves to emotionally proceesss things and then getting back up and attempting again. I don’t like to see people in pain and I like to be a shoulder, not to fix them but to help them through their pain or dilema. I was always good at reading people, yet I was fooled in my own marriage by someone who claimed to be the victim.

    I am now the shell of that person, and it is so hard to find my way back. It is like they want you to suffer like they do, they don’t like a happy spirit. Subconsciously, before I realised the extent of the problem and worked out what was going on, I shut off emotionally. It’s like I made my heart was a stone just so that I could get on with everything that had to be done without crumbling. Not to mention dealing with his traumas, and the kids and the business, and the housework…..etc

    The more I discovered the more everything I had lived for 20 years was a lie. I won’t allow it to destroy me, but I know I can never be who I was. Too much manipulation has happened. I have gone from someone who completed uni top of class, an honours degree, started and grew a successful business while raising 3 little kids at the time, and cooking and keeping the house in order bills, cleaning etc…. Now I find it hard to even do the laundry. It’s not a depressed feeling, it’s weird to describe. I will find the new me, bu it is not as easy as loved ones think.

    So if you have someone in your circle who has experienced this, do not place your judgement on how long it takes to heal. They can’t just over it, It was not a normal relationship, it was filled with lies and manipulation that went under the radar as they were in the guise of somebodies pain and problems. A life full of blame, fear, obligation and guilt. They mess with your head and you don’t know its happening. So give them whatever time they need without judgemental opinions on their recovery.

    To all the survivors, it is so hard but with perseverance and persistence we will rise again, slightly new, and we will find our place in the sun, and the happiness we deserve.

    So thanks again for such an perfectly on point article.

    1. Hi Niki,

      The path back to finding yourself is a long one for most of us, but when done well, it leaves us better. We learn to trust ourselves like we were never able to do before. We are less invested in what the outside world thinks about us, and more invested in being kind and strong FOR ourselves. Thanks for your comment. -Dr. K

    2. Niki,

      Thank you for sharing your story. It was like you were reading my life journal. I know I need to find my own path, but, I'm just not sure where to start. It's mostly a financial thing, but I'm also concerned how nasty he will become if I file for divorce. I don't know if I'm ready, emotionally, to deal.

      Wishing you all the best in your new journey!

  40. This is the situation for me. And it’s just so hard because I’m such a strong independent woman and while he loves that and brags about it to people, he also hates it because I stand up for myself. And I point out the gaslighting.
    I know he loves me. I know this is due to the abuse and his shitty father growing up. But he won’t get counseling. He won’t admit his mistakes. Or if he does he forgets.
    Im just so frustrated and angry it this point. He’s just so mean when he gets into these moods. It’s like everyone against him, but really it’s because he creates these alternate realities in his bed and won’t listen to reason.
    I dunno. Im rambling.
    But I’m about to have a baby and I’m just terrified. I just wish I had known about covert narcissists before. Because I read this crying in my bed after a horrible day that somehow turned into me being an unsupportive wife who is never there for him.
    Again, rambling. Sorry I’m incoherent about this it’s just really crazy to read something and realize, wow. This is him to a T.
    How did I get myself into this situation and how do I fix it? Can he get counseling and resolve this? Is it possible? I mean I love him, even after all the horrible things he says about me out of anger, I do love him. But, he really does suck the joy out of my life more often than he puts joy into it. I don’t know how to move forward.
    We just bought a house, I’m just about to have a baby. But I know that raising this child is going to fall on me and I’ll just add more to my responsibilities while he’ll complain about how it affect it him somehow. Ugh.
    I dunno. I’m at a loss.

    1. Hello Trinity,
      You are me, about 17 years ago.
      19 years of marriage, multiple financial crises and 3 children later, I can tell you that it will 100%fall on you.
      Please, please don't sit on this.
      My eldest is an adult now, and tells me all the time she wishes I'd left him and she didn't have to grow up with the instability, and seeing how he treated me. And still treats me – it's taken this long somehow to realize fully that I am not the problem.
      I'm only now starting the process of separating.
      I too am caught thinking that he loves me and it's only his abusive past causing him to treat me like this.
      But my therapist reminded me that the reason doesn't matter. What matters is how I am being treated – that he is hurting me. And she helped me realize that is what should inform what you need to do. Whether he means to or not is honestly immaterial.
      In fact, if he actually loves me, yet still refusing to get the help he needs makes it worse, the more I reflect on it.
      It is a kind of torture, feeling like the man I love may not actually exist, and I may never fully know the truth of it. And wondering if he ever actually loved me, or if I was just his convenient prop.
      I've been with him since I was 16. I barely remember a time before him. I don't even know who I am. I chose my studies, career, everything, based on him. He never forced me – but it was always a very subtle but strong pull in a certain direction, and eventually just doing things to keep the peace and make him happy and comfortable became my norm. I don't even know what I like for myself.
      Don't let this happen to you. You don't get the years back.

      1. I want to reinforce what was said, here, by Sophie. Many women get caught up in a detailed story of their husband’s traumatic childhood. It was horrible. No child should have had to live through it. And they did. Okay. Now what? It might have left them with NPD and unable to truly love anyone. It did not give them the right to inflict pain on anyone else. It required them to go through long and challenging psychotherapy that they’d prefer to avoid. Especially if they have NPD, they don’t want the false image of themselves to be looked at and challenged repeatedly. Okay. So now what?

        THEY GET THAT CHOICES. THEY GET TO CHOOSE TO STAY THE SAME.

        Here’s the thing that is so important to get: You can’t heal them, even if you have a professional degree in counseling. You can’t heal them nor should you allow emotional, physical, sexual or psychological abuse. THAT IS YOUR JOB TO STOP.

        So how can you stop it, you ask? That’s all you want, for him to stop it and for you both to go back to the way it was when you first met. “How can I do it, Dr. K?” I will tell you. You do it by having extremely clear boundaries of what you will and will not tolerate. You do it by not expecting water from a stone. Those first 6 months to 18 months of “paradise” were you loving him and him loving you loving him. That’s over. It’s not coming back. He can stop his abusive behavior or he will continue it. You cannot control him or his decision-making. You don’t have control over him, and you never did.

        YOU ONLY HAVE CONTROL OVER YOURSELF AND WHAT YOU WILL AND WILL NOT TOLERATE.

        Thank you, Sophie, for these wise words. I agree. -Dr. K

    2. Run as soon as you can. Don’t waste years and years of your life with this type of man. Mine 36 years and recently divorced. They don’t change. They suck the joy out of your life. Run!!!

  41. This is my marriage, this is my husband. 16 years of his victimhood, everything being my fault, seeming nice but truly passive aggressive in every way.
    After years of him saying that I was cold, hateful to him, and constant accusations that I was cheating, he just recently admitted he has been addicted to pornography our entire marriage. But even that is something I’m supposed to forgive and forget immediately, while he brings up everything he feels I’ve done wrong to him. It’s always “Yes I know I did wrong and I hurt you, but I asked forgiveness and you’ve hurt me too.” I feel like I’m not even allowed to process this devastation because he is twisting everything to be equal and that we’ve both messed up.
    Worse, he is using God and scripture against me now too, saying he’s repented and that all sin is equal to God and I must forgive or else I’m wrong. He is lecturing me constantly about how hard my heart is, how sad he is that I’m at this unforgiving point. It’s maddening and cruel. If we did not have children I would have filed for divorce as soon as he admitted what he’s been hiding for so long.

    1. It is really not “the point” that he’s done anything wrong, because he can’t take responsibility for what he’s done. If you try to hold him responsible for his actions, it gets turned around to become about you. As you’ve pointed out in your comment, HE is hurt. He has God on his side. You have problems. YOU are cold, hardened, unforgiving. If “both of us” have made “mistakes,” than “both of us” hold no responsibility. It is almost as if his admission is his gift to you. You are now wrong for not accepting it as such. Your feelings about his betrayal aren’t important. Only his feelings matter. Trust yourself, always, and keep your good heart to yourself. Thanks for your comment -Dr.K

    2. I am so sorry to read of your experience. What you describe is emotional, sexual, and spiritual. God has nothing to do with this kind of behaviour! It is another form of abuse to turn this onto you. Besides, to repent means to stop what you are doing. I have seen this in action. It is a constant blame game with no responsibility. Here is a fantastic website I found and highly recommend: https://www.confusiontoclaritynow.com/
      It sounds perfect for your situation.

  42. Wow you have described my 36 year marriage to a T. Yes it really got going after I came home from a spine surgery, then another surgery a year later and now it's cement in his mind. Great read and great validation. 😘

  43. I was unable to continue to read this article in its entirety due to Dr. McMahon's decision to imply that it is men who are narcissists. I am within 48 hours of discovering that Covert Narcissism disorder exists and that I am in the early stages of divorce to a covert narcissist WIFE. I mention this only to make clear that this article could have just as easily been written with the word spouse in replace of husband. The sexism is nauseating. Also, I admit that I am a live wire and hypersensitive to everything as each moment that passes is accompanied by a clearer and stronger realization that I have been the subject of abuse for years and I have lost the ability to determine reality and fantasy.

    I guess I could have just said. This article feels sexist and it triggered me.

    1. Clearly, Chris, you are a thoughtful person, as evident in your comment. I’ve done a post on Narcissistic Wives. There are some differences, given gendered upbringings, according to the literature. I chose to focus on men because, well the title says that is what the post is about. However, I put a link to that right up front, so it will be less triggering to men who are married to women with these soul-crushing traits. Thanks for your comment. -Dr.K

    2. I agree. I am the male partner of a female covert narc as well. the article seems spot on, with the roles reversed and a bunch of male bashing.

  44. This was my husband, but after 8 years of marriage he divorced me with no actual reason, so many excuses of how perfect he is and how ungrateful i was.
    But after divorce he turned into a clear narcissist only with me though, other family members and friends won’t believe me when i tell them how he is acting and how he is talking to me after the divorce, to be honest even I couldn’t believe that this is the same person, but after reading so many books and researches i came to acknowledge that i was living with a covert narc who took off his mask after discarding me.
    I still wonder why did he divorce me, i was still a good source of complaints and supply for him.
    Now he won’t even give me back my belongings” clothes and personal stuff” , i wonder if there is a specific way i can make him give them back to me, as i live out of the USA so courts are not an option, i mean a specific way to ask him that fits his personality disorder.
    Please help
    Note: when i ask for them he lashes out on me and threatens to throw them away, even when i make friends ask to pick them up he refuses “ I thought that could work as he keeps his covert mask with people and pretends to be an angel.
    Thank you, waiting for advice

    1. Truly, I don’t know of any way that you haven’t already thought of. If he is holding on to them, he keeps his hooks in you. It might be his motive. -Dr. K

  45. I actually found this hard to read and it took me a few attempts. I’ve just split with my cover narc and it’s only just dawning on me that that’s what he is after 2 years together (he blames all of his behaviour on ADHD – even his mates with ADHD were telling me he was just an idiot). This describes his behaviour to a T. The mask started to slip once we split – once he got a new supply his behaviour has been appalling and I’ve had to block him (he was desperate to stay friends). I knew I’d need strength to make the final separation away from him but didn’t realise how much. He has a new partner but didn’t want to let me go and has spent the last week being so manipulative and harassing beyond belief. It’s taken me pleading with his new gf to get him to leave me alone before the police are called – I’ve now had 2 blissful days of peace

  46. This was my marriage, all that is described above. My husband kept us from having children in the craziest of sneaky ways. I did not dream such subterfuge existed. After years of quiet abuse, I obtained a divorce. I wondered if I was making the best choice however, in the middle of the divorce, my husband totaled his vehicle while driving drunk. This was after years in which he engaged in so much gaslighting, he made me believe I was crazy to even think he had a drinking problem. During the divorce, he tried to take an additional unwanted $100,000 from my settlement. Somehow this money was his and quietly the story of how he was owed it and how it was my fault were introduced into the divorce proposal. That money directly belonged to me. I was horrified. Mercifully, after threatening additional proceedings, I retained my money. Otherwise, I would have left with $14,000 and furniture.

    How does one describe the cold loneliness of marriage with a CN: the mangled dreams, the theft of marital joy, the loss of self and the hazy world of gaslighting. Gaining one’s footing is so hard. It is gut wrenching to look into the face of the person you love and yearn for a glimpse of empathy and see there are arrows of contempt instead.

    Instead, of love, my husband ridiculed and at times hollered if quiet tactics were unsuccessful. What little I asked for was turned into how unfair it was for him. I apologized for things that never occurred because I was quietly deceived. I learned to ask for even less. In the end, I was even denied the opportunity to do nice things for him because it meant he could always show how he did not need me but I was bothersome to need him. I served no purpose other than to be there in the capacity he saw fit. I meant nothing and everything all at once. If I went upstairs and left him downstairs, he’d grumble asking where I was going yet when I returned, he’d ignore me. I grew up in an abusive home. Reliving a similar experience felt like my heart was crumbling.

    I still love him. I lost so much in the divorce. Since the divorce, I developed a serious cardiac condition. I feel as though my heart is broken both metaphorically and physically. I am young yet I feel as though I’ve lived many lifetimes. Despite this, I believe life is full of good despite hard experiences.

    For those still married to a CN, know you are whole with or without your spouse. Your desire to love and be loved are beautiful. Your spouse should be a source of strength, not confusion. It is a sign of strength to want to partner with someone and it is shameful for someone to belittle that desire. A CN does not want to join you on life’s path. A CN wants to hold you back in their quiet misery. Your spouse isn’t evil. No one is all good or bad. However, their actions are evil and if unchecked, can bring you to your knees.

    If you want a divorce or want to stay, there is no wrong answer so long as you and your children are safe. However, a CN seems to want more and more until you break. It is hard to endure. If you leave, please know you may feel you are living in a parallel universe. The person before you is the man or woman you thought you married but also the imposter you are rightfully divorcing. I still find it hard to separate my marriage hopes from the man I left.

    My heart leaps for happiness who have healed and moved on. It also wishes nothing but blessings and courage who are still on their journey with a CN.

    1. I had to reach out… thank you for taking your time to write this I needed this. I'm gathering the little strength I have left to leave.

      If you are on facebook there's a group called covert narcissists. Its helped me cope a lot. I hope you find your peace.

  47. I’ve been with my partner for 3 years. She’s coming to her breaking point with me I see a lot of my own behaviors here I just don’t know how to correct myself.

      1. After being married for 32 years, I am going to try to get my CN husband to seek counseling. How do I find someone who will be able to deal with his CN? In the past when we have seen counselors, he makes himself sound so perfect, like nothings wrong. And I’m the one with issues.

        1. I am glad you asked this question. My answer is directed to any woman reading who has the same question.

          Know that you cannot diagnose your husband, no matter how many posts you read or Youtube videos you watch. You might be right. He may be. But you also might be wrong.

          Second, narcissism can be seen on a spectrum from 1-10. Those at the lowest end, like Echo in the Narcissus story, have fallen in love with a narcissist and have no voice. She could only echo his last three words, given her curse.

          Those between 4-6 have a healthy amount of narcissism. We might consider them securely attached in a sort of “I’m Okay, You’re Okay” way. The feel good about themselves and good about other people.

          Between 7-8 we see problematic behavior where they act unaware of how their behavior impacts others. They feel entitled and justified in their demands, but it is not over the top. They can admit how their behavior is hurting others but don’t know how to stop. Whether this is sincere or feign, it is enough to begin.

          With the right help and guidance, they can learn how to change their behavior in concrete ways. They can learn to begin to think about “we” (meaning you and the family) instead of just “me.” The Gottman Method is ideal work for this type of marriage. They will provide you the tools to redirect bad behavior. Even some Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy might help the 6-7 in that range, in that it reminds them of how good it feels to need someone and be vulnerable and open.

          However, when you get higher up the scale, you will find an intolerance for vulnerability except in service of manipulating your feelings. “Crocodile tears.” Effective theatrics designed to Hoover back in a wife who is fed up and on her way out. Therapists often fall for these tactics. They see your justifiable anger as “inconsolability” and begin to focus on inadvertently gaslighting you into greater understanding.

          Weekly work, in my opinion, is useless in accomplishing needed work. You need to have a thorough assessment and extended clinical time to make your own assessment of your marriage. You need to know what makes a healthy marriage and whether you and your spouse have the ability to do that.

          In assessment, it needs to be extensive (We ask 800-1000 questions to each of you for a solid reason. We devote a weekend which is time to allow the true nature of your relationship dynamics to emerge (we use 2 hours on Friday and 7 hours on two additional consecutive days).

          It is easy for anyone to look good and act “concerned” in short periods. It is possible for them to twist your words, feign deep love and affection, and question why you are just so angry all the time when they “mean well” and “try hard.”

          You need time to tell your story in a calm and impassioned way and without interruption. The history of it in some detail. And it is essential to realize that your couples therapist isn’t there as a judge to decide which of you is sick and should be held responsible. A Gottman certified therapist is there to try and figure out what is wrong with the way the two of you relate to each other and to help you adapt a different strategy. We offer you strategies that work. That is all you will need to make your own assessment.

          For those who are in a marriage with a CN person, you have another goal in attending a weekend intensive. Your goal is to learn the strategies well, know when you are doing them effectively, and then watch what your CN spouse does.

          Particularly when it comes to one particular exercise: “complaining” within the Gottman method. I find a true CN’s simply can’t do it consistently. It is too “exposing.” It requires them to be vulnerable and ask you for something in a civil way.

          They will dodge, be sarcastic, cut steps and simply ignore the directive. They will “forget” to do it. They will forget HOW to do it. They will claim to have no complaints against you (WOW!). In reality, they see their hidden resentments as golden bullets they are holding onto, polishing, gloating over. If you divorce them, then they will try to kill you with them until you suffer a painful death.

          They will become defensive, hostile, contemptuous, and outright angry when you do as directed and make effective complaints. When your words are perfect, they will blame your “tone.” I call “foul play” when that happens over the weekend. I expect them to accept a complaint nondefensively when done correctly. I watch your tone and will call you on it, if necessary.

          This one exercise is a simple one, but you will learn a tremendous amount about your husband and his capacity for mutuality through it. If he is 7-8 on the scale, he will learn the benefits of “we.” He will be reluctant, but once he understands, will welcome the ability to share his complaints and have them heard and respected. In other words, he will improve in being self-disclosing and you will both adapt.

          You will also learn how to talk to him in a way that makes him least defensive. Someone who is 7-8 will be a bit prickly. They will never be a 5. However, they can become more loving and thoughtful. Maybe this change will be enough, if they stop their noxious behaviors of lying, manipulating, humiliating and the like.

          If he is 9-10, it will be pretty obvious over the weekend, but especially afterward. He will complain about how this entire time was wasted, how the science-based exercises are “stupid” and how it is all your fault. The homework you’ll be given will be cast aside. He will refuse all follow-up. I will be courteous and kind (all of our therapists are) but candid and direct. We will allow no blaming, shaming, or redirection. We know what behavior works and what doesn’t we accept that we can force no one to do anything. However, we are also blunt that if someone acts in these destructive ways, they will become (or are) the “disasters of marriage.” If they change a very specific set of behaviors, they can become the “masters of marriage.” It isn’t rocket science. It isn’t impossible to learn. But for those who are truly character disordered, it demands mutuality and none of the drama, “perfection,” or put-downs they’ve become used to. Do, or don’t do.

          I will caution you, however. If you go in hoping that the therapy will “change” him, or that you will somehow be vindicated in your diagnosis of him, you will be disappointed. If this is a 9-10 CN, you will have proof that your husband cannot or will not engage with you as an equal. But this doesn’t “prove” anything. You will still have to do incredibly painful work to decide what to do next. And, like many of the women here, you will not be “saved” from his destructive wrath if you decide to leave him.

          I will be writing more about this in the upcoming blogposts.

          Hope this helps. -Dr. K

        2. Find someone who says they work with “personality disorders.” It won’t be that easy to find someone as these types of disorders aren’t reimbursed by insurance companies, although he likely has accompanying ailments that do. The problem is, he is likely to stop when the therapy is starting to work. But it’s worth a try! -Dr. K

  48. Wow!! This literally describes my husband to a T! We have had issues for awhile, and tried counseling 3 times, all of which he criticized and refused to return. I’m reaching that point after 14 years of marriage that he isn’t ever going to change and it actually is getting worse as he ages past 40. It has significant impacted our kids, especially my 10 year old daughter who he also employs some of these CN behaviors with her.

  49. Been married to this for 7 years and I am still a virgin but his WhatsApp dp is a happy picture of us. Refuses to annul. I am estranged from my fam. Moved to another country. Need to gain the guts to just call a lawyer and annul this!

  50. This is me and my spouse to a T I know how much he loves me, but he discarded me out of shame and left me and my son and all my kids without anything and his trying to fight my divorce and not pass anything but yeah I know how much he loves me and he’s not with anyone else because of all the recorded conversations up until he left where I wanted him to take accountability and go to therapy. I still believe therapy would help us keep our family together. I hope you can help me with this because he really is just immature emotionally and was neglected as a child and I know how much he loves me and needs me.

  51. I'm almost at a loss for words…as I was reading your article on covert narcissistic husbands, I was in shock at how the information described my partner exactly. It is just bizarre how he fits this description to a T. I am hopeful that there may be therapy for our situation but also very sad that there are so many other couples dealing with the exact same issues that I am in my relationship. I look forward to seeing what this type of specific therapy can do for my relationship and also myself since I have been subjected to this type of abuse for 12+ years now. Thanks for giving me hope!

  52. I echo the numerous other posts about being thankful for this article. Your article on "how to stop subtle gaslighting" is also helpful.

    Could you please write a follow-up article on how to communicate with a covert narc husband and how to get out of a situation of being gaslit and emotionally manipulated SPECIFICALLY when you are trying to divorce a covert narc husband (yes, after 20+ years together) when they say things such as: 1. you aren't acting like your normal self – you are not the same person I've known for the last 20 years; 2. clearly you've been seeing a therapist because you keep repeating the same mantra; 3. I don't understand where this is coming from; 4. you are annihilating our child's life (1st grader); 5. I don't think you have thought about what is in the best interest for our child, including their safety and wellbeing; 6. I think I should have more custody of our child because you aren't thinking about their best interests.

    My guess is that these types of comments are not uncommon and it would be so helpful to have a "comprehensive" (more or less) list of of what we could say or do in response to each of these types a comments/tactics (and more) that a covert narc might use to make us feel guilty so we stay. I've read parts of Bill Eddy's Biff (brief, informative, friendly, firm), but these seem focused more on emails/texts, though I could see how the technique could be translatable to in-person interactions. Perhaps a chapter covering In-person Biffs for divorcing (not yet divorced) parents?

    Additionally, guidance on how to cope when you see that the covert narc father is already manipulating our young child so that he gets his narc supply from them by saying things like: 1. I don't know why your mother is doing this and I'm confused too; 2. I don't know what our living situation is going to be like; and other types of comments where he is projecting his feelings and insecurities onto a young child.

    Couples and individual therapy was rejected by my husband once I inflicted "narcissistic injury" upon him by sharing how he made me feel during a couples' session. I was the "cruel" one and that what I said painted him to be an abuser because I had become afraid and weary of his negative reactions.

    Thank you again. This article has helped me to finally see the truth and reality of why I had been unhappy, but not quite knowing why, for a significant portion of my relationship with my covert narc husband.

    1. You’ve done a good job discussing the very painful manipulations that make leaving so difficult. I would like to emphasize again that while the patterns of narcissistic abuse might be patterned, the individual “hooks” that keep us involved have to be worked through individually with someone who understands narcissistic abuse. The short and mostly unsatisfying answer is for the spouse (yourself in this case) to begin to ground yourself once again in “reality.” Learning to trust yourself, your own beliefs, values, guiding principles after decades with a narcissist is a huge challenge. It takes time and working with a trusted other (therapist, close friend, relative, etc) that supports you and believes in you. And the more you try to address the many questions (you’ve listed 6…) the more you begin “dancing with the devil” so to speak. Conversations between people are best engaged in when there is good intention and an honest exchange. What so many women in your situation have found is that there are neither in their marriages. Their words and their meaning are twisted to “prove a point.” Honest exchange seldom happens without hidden motives. There is a dogged single focus on a goal, his goal, and at any cost.

      The guilt you feel is a normal human emotion. It has helped you be the loving, caring person you are. However, it also makes you vulnerable to the type of manipulation you are describing. You want to respond honestly and candidly to his questions. However, my hunch is that you have tried this before, unsuccessfully. When you try, you end up feeling as if you are the villain that is inflicting pain on a helpless victim. You’ve ended up “seeing things the way he sees them.” That has not served you because a narcissistic view is intentionally distorted, self-serving, and disinterested in equity.

      Staying because of guilt isn’t a marriage, it is an “arrangement.” And initiating divorce is most often an intense emotional experience, even if you have iron-clad reasons. Emotional abuse is harder to articulate, especially with a “nice guy” who always looks so great in public.

      As far as your children, I wish there was a magic solution to that. It will take many years for them to be emotionally mature enough to recognize that one parent leaves them feeling terrible and the other one does not. Just makes sure you are the one who does not, and be supportive without putting him down. Keep in mind that he’s “half of them.”

      Thank you for your comment.

  53. Wow, wow, wow. If this isn't my husband, nothing is. I just feel so sad and depleted. We've been married for more than 44 years and I feel lonelier and lonelier each day. It's like subliminal torture. I feel like my soul is being slowly sucked out, piece by piece for the past 45 years. He makes comments to people about me, thinking he's being funny. For example, the other day I was buying a new set of chef knives and as I was checking out, he says to the cashier, "Be careful. My wife may get you with these" (LOL). If I was that cashier, I'd be thinking that this guy's wife is probably a nut case. Or when I was in ICU with sepsis…I coded twice and he never came to see me. Said he had a cold. Right. Well this devastated any feelings I had left for him. Still, whenever I get upset with him or call him out, he resorts back to the 'retreat-ignore' routine. Followed with, "Do you love me? Why are we together then if you feel this way? I don't know what I did that was so wrong."
    How do I go on to have some fulfillment in life while living with this man? It's too painful to think how my remaining 20 years will be spent in one sad state.
    I can't talk to anyone about it. No one would believe it. EVERYONE says he's the 'nicest guy'. I could never tell our children because it would crush them. No one has a clue about this prison I've been living for decades. I can not bear to destroy other's 'image' of him and cause them so much pain. How do I go on to live a life as a couple, yet separate? We are older now and so the 'start over' train has left the station. And b/c we're 'seniors' (he's in his 70s, I'm in my 60's), there are health issues for him especially…he's losing his memory so this has added a different level of 'crazy' to his behavior and withdrawal.

  54. I grew up with narcissistic parents, so of course I was the people pleaser and tried to always be "good" thinking that would make it better. Then, after all the years, even knowing what I know, I still ended up marrying someone like this. I want to leave and I can't, because I own the home we're in and the mortgage and he won't leave. In our worst fights, because I'm so hard headed that I speak up and fight back; not that it seems to matter, he still manages to turn everything around on me. I'm always at fault. I honestly don't know why I even try to fight back, cause all I'm doing is defending myself for things I know I'm not doing which he doesn't hear it or see it that way. I can look at my actions and know where I do go wrong, and I'll apologize for my part, which the next fight, even if he claims he knows he needs to do better, he acts like he does nothing and uses that I have apologized to point out that I admit I'm wrong. I can try to point out that he plays a part; doesn't get anywhere. I just get more frustrated/hurt/resentful and want to end things. The things he says when he's mad, it's hard to not want to just pack up and leave, but he can't afford the house, it will just mess up my credit as I can't afford two places. I only saw glimpses before we got married, but now I feel trapped in the situation. I'm not saying I'm perfect, and I'm fully aware that women can also be narcissists, but I'm genuinely good in relationships, I know how to communicate and compromise and actually talk about things….but I can't communicate with him effectively. I honestly don't know what to do; but I am starting to shut down emotionally because it is a lonely feeling. Everyone outside of us, thinks he's great, sweet, loving, empathetic, caring; everything I thought at one time too. After a fight, he will revert back to that, but I already know it's around the corner, next fight, he'll call me names, call me a liar, say I said something I didn't say, scream at me, put his fingers in my face, tries to be intimidating; and then it's all about what I did to him. If I mention what he does, he tells me I'm blameshifting, he says I don't listen; i have video of me not saying anything while he's screaming at me. He found out about that and that made him more mad. I pushed for counseling, he did one to appease me I guess, and right before the counseling warned me not to say too much. Like what? He brings his Mom into it so he can tell them what "I" do, and they take his side, which I get, they aren't around to see it like I do. Just over a year married, and I want out because I don't see it ever getting better. He won't leave, and according to him, that's a great thing and it's cause he "loves" me. So, what can I do? Do I even have options?

    1. Don’t write it in a blog comment, Venus. Speak to an attorney about what your legal rights are. You might find you have more options than you thought. Next move will be yours. -Dr. K

  55. I just had my entire marriage described to me on a random post on the internet. I am simultaneously relieved to FINALLY have any understanding about what is going on with my husband of 15 years and horrified by what my future may look like.

    I feel like a complete fool and feel utterly trapped: like my life is a prison. I KNOW he would make any effort to ruin me if I ever divorced him.

    Strangely, the only piece to the puzzle that doesn’t fit (of the dozen + reference points you made above) is the parenting piece. We have a 7 year old child and he is actually a pretty good dad, aside from being VERY overprotective to the point of paranoia, but I just chalk that up to what I’ve heard called “old dad syndrome” where they are very overbearing with kids…(as he is 14 years older than me).

    He also undermines my parenting authority in front of my son and is occasionally verbally abusive to me whenever I disagree with him on anything in front of our child…so not exactly wonderful parenting, but not all the full blown narcissistic traits.

    Is it still possible for a covert narcissist to be a concerned parent and reserve their worst traits for their spouse?

    Anyway, thank you so much for writing this…at least I feel like I’m not crazy. Or, a monster…which is what he casts me as whenever I mention any normal human need, concern or emotion. I guess I will have to remain an expectation-less robot forever.

    1. People are different. Seven year olds can be more easily parented than a more self- possessed teenager. Keep in mind that if your child idolizes him, it will be easier for him to parent well (if he is personality disordered, which I can’t know from a comment…)

  56. This is my alcoholic husband to a "t" he just left us again. I am an" unaappreciative psycho". Nothing he does is" good enough". He is no longer able to put up with my" abuse." This article made my hair stand on end. He has told me that when he is with me he doesn't feel good about himself. I make him feel horrible. He has completely emerged himself in aa social life.

  57. I am interested, do you think it is common to fluctuate between thinking it is my husband, but then maybe its me!? Could that be a symptom of being perpetually gaslighted?

    Im sure this is him. He is never willing to talk about anything important ever. If I raise an issue even calmly he escalates it and then leaves the room, only to return moments later cheerful as if nothing has happened. Instead of saying things directly to me he says them to the kids in another room so I can hear. It's weird. If I accuse him of being passive aggressive he flies off the handle. I expressed to him recently that I have a need for more comfort from him when I am ill or feeling overwhelmed. He responded that for an independent person I place too many demands on him. He escalated the discussion again and then a week later referred back to the conversation calling it a screaming match. I never screamed just made a simple request. Whenever anyone in the family gets sick, he always immediately starts to experience symptoms and has to be cared for. Its never quite right timing wise and always feels inauthentic. There have been times where he has feigned illness only to actually fall ill a few days later with whatever bug was going around. He purposefully does the washing really badly and it has become a really mean spirited interchange where he does either just his own washing or the kids but always leaves mine in a pile. There is no way to renegotiate these patterns and Its always my fault for being too picky. He is like a stone wall. We haven't had sex in a very long time. He claims he has made efforts to initiate intimacy but I have never noticed. If I point this out he gets angry and shuts down. The list goes on, and on,and on Its exhausting! and depressing. Im mainly worried about the kids I suppose.

  58. been married..just going on 24 years…

    i guess my story starts with day one first date.

    nice boy scout kind of guy career oriented…
    met a t church.

    shy ..timid…..a "regular " boy scout/

    he is 12 years older.
    than myself.

    dated two years..married..

    the onw thing we both cared about was singning ..church.

    travels..music.

    .

    ..but ..had this odd sense…about j……i am a social person..photographer..
    j…..is a numbers guy….analyiss tec.

    it wast until ..threee years..in our moving to different state.

    his mood…erratic…behavior..presented itself..

    (J..just retired…so we moved).

    so, j .then became more .more…pecking at me…
    J..became very introvert……."hiding " behind his computer land.

    long and short of it…the gaslighting..stonwalling…the manipulations….totally thru me for a loop.

    the trash degrading…negative words…CAME TUMBLING DOWN ONTO ME.

    why?

    becasuse he retired….from career……
    I BECAME the pasty……

    IT WAS SO SETTLE.

    last year …grabbed my stuff.. moved out.

    its scary.

    because i never got received ANY REASONS…AS TO WHY HIS RESPONDS WAS SO UNCLEAR.VAGUE.

    ( I WAS THE "DUMB" ONE).

    THIS HAPPENED ONLY A YEAR AGO..
    LEFT…

    AFTER j..PHYISCAL ABUSE.

    .

    .
    ITS A VERY SICK..WEIRD.ODD…TWISTED BEHAVIOR.

    THE j..A COVERT NARASSICIST..YES HE IS.

    LI

    1. Sounds pretty much like my story. It started

      when we were dating .I was too nieve to see

      the signs (I didn't even know what

      narcissism was!)

      There was also phys. abuse (to me & our

      kids! I should've called the police, but didn't.

      Instead I packed my bags & left. It was a

      real eye opener for him. He changed some–

      to make living with him tolerable so I

      returned. (That's been 2 years now, and still

      no phys. abuse.

      (He knows if he lays a hand on me, I'm

      gone–for good. I have the upper hand

      now!!!)

      As far as him hibernating (w/ his computer)

      I found immediately after supper chores are

      done, I go & hybernate/work on my hobby.

      (At that point, I really don't care what he's up

      to and I'm lost in my own little world. It's

      quite relaxing. 😌) If he needs my help–at

      that time–I can choose whether to help him

      or not. (Quite often, he's too prideful to even

      ask for my help….that's ok w/ me!) I am still

      married to this man and probably will be till

      death (unless physical abuse….)

  59. All of the above comments ring so true for me. Approaching retirement and absolutely dreading what the final part of my life will be like living with this person 24/7. We don't have kids and I no longer have any friends or connections outside of our marriage. He does exactly what he likes, expects me to sit at home and be the housekeeper – doing all the jobs inside and outside of the home. 26 years together / 20 years married – the last 10 years have been like a living hell for me. Rollercoaster emotions and outbursts from him. Keep getting sick, feeling depressed and nothing like i used to be. I was the happy go lucky, kind, caring person who was always with others, helping them and having fun. Now I have gone into a shell of a life. I don't see anyone apart from people at the fitness club that I joined, but don't feel like having much to do with them as I feel so miserable. I am always on my own, I go out for long walks alone and dread being indoors with him. He flies off the handle at the tiniest of things that don't suit him at the time, I have no way of predicting his behaviour so I try not to speak too much as I am in fear of his outbursts. We haven't been close intimately since a major illness I experienced 12 years ago and he makes me feel guilty for not being healthy enough to comply. He reminds me regularly that he is the bread winner (I no longer work due to my health) and makes me feel bad when I want to spend money on myself – even if it is for essentials. The only way out would be for me to leave but I know he would fight me financially and probably leave me with little to no money. I don't have any private pensions, only the state pension which isn't paid out until mid 2024. I really feel for all you but totally understand how it is living with the Narcissist.

    1. I was in a relationship for 8 years with a man who displayed all of these behaviors and more. It was great in the beginning. I have 5 kids, and he was super to them. 1 was still underage when I moved in with him (after 2 weeks because he just blindsided me with the love and care I needed). A few months later I had neck surgery. He made sure he couldn't take me and I believe he had his boss make up a fake memo telling him he couldn't take off that day for any reason because they were busy. He also had an affair with his boss off and on for 13 years. He didn't like hospitals. Then 1 day my daughter called and said he kicked her out. I went home and he said we argued too much and he wanted peace. That he didn't sign up for kids. He knew I had 5 and 3 grandbabies. Then had the nerve to ask why I was upset. He started an argument another time with my daughter that escalated quickly and he kicked me out saying it will never be resolved so I needed to go. It was his fault and he threw me out! Later his cat died. She had leukemia and he chose hospice for her. He blamed me for her death as well as my daughter and her friends. He again threw me out. Then my mom passed away. He was great until the funeral was over because my brother was in town. When I leaned on him for support he said I was too clingy and needed help or medicine. Everything that went wrong in his life was my fault and he took it all out on me and threw me out. Making me feel awful about myself. I'm on disability for physical as well as mental. He made sure it was clear I knew it was his house, his cars, his phone plan and his way. It was only our house when it needed cleaning. I killed myself keeping things nice for him to mess them up and watch me clean them back up. I'd tell him to clean up after himself and he'd get up and leave his mess. Then he'd get mad at me and call me a b. He always said, "I work!" I started sitting alone in our bedroom every day and him in the living room. Friends stopped coming around, my kids rarely visited and the ones who did come around said they didn't like being around him anymore. He tried to pick fights in front of them and blatantly disrespected me in front of them thinking it was funny. He would give me the silent treatment for up to 5 days and missed our anniversary this year. He said anniversaries are for couples who get along. This past fight was it. It scared me so bad. He threw dinner out the door and said that's what he thought of me. He spit on me and called me awful names and took my phone so I couldn't call anyone. His friends were there and did nothing to stop it, and he told them he allowed me to live there and drive his cars and I continuously do things to make him mad. He was bragging about how others he had dated called the police on him. He told me to get out and get out of his life. I left with what fit in my sister's car and haven't been back because of his violent tendencies toward me. I saw a demon in him that night. I left my animals behind and now he's saying I can't have them and name calling and threatening to destroy my stuff. Asking "can't you just move on and get over me?" He thinks every woman gets hung up on him and wants him. He has ED and does nothing for it. We hadn't been intimate in forever. That was my fault too. I'm realizing he has made me sick with him. Misery had it's company. I'm healing after 5 weeks, but the flashbacks are awful. He acts like I never existed or mattered. Just threw me away like I was nothing to him. He's 56 and I'm 53. He cares more about what people think of him than what is right. He plays nice guy around them and I'm the problem. He exaggerates things I do and makes things up on me to tell others. He told me I wouldn't be anything if it weren't for him. He said he'd never marry me because he saw what I did to my ex-husband. I divorced him… Ok. For being verbally abusive and I found myself in it again but 10 times worse. It was turning physical and I was living in fear. I lost myself. He always put me down and never praised me for anything. I was the live in maid and slept on the couch so he and the animals could get the bed because he "worked." I'm slowly getting better. I'm mad at myself for being a fool. There's so much more he has done. I'll never be the same again…

  60. Never let a perfect stranger on the internet dictate such a major life transition. Get yourself into therapy, allow the therapist to really get to know you in detail, and provide you with sound advice. Keep a diary, also, no matter what you decide. You might want to look back on patterns of behavior. It’s easier with some historical record. -Dr. K

  61. So – what next? If I’m not prepared to get divorced – is there any hope for a narcissist? Or am I choosing to live in a trauma induced environment and raise my kids in the madness too?

    1. First, you are diagnosing your own spouse. The first step is to talk to someone in detail about your current situation and get an informed opinion about your options. Begin your own therapy and talk about your life in detail. You can suggest that your spouse get help as well, but you can’t force the issue, obviously. -Dr. K

  62. It's as if you interviewed my now ex-husband for this article. 25 years married, a 22-year-old daughter who said, "I don't feel like I have a father. I feel like I have this strange man in my life who doesn't really know me, doesn't really listen, yet wants to be attached to me for some reason." My heart aches for her as I know how crucial the father/daughter relationship is in a girl's development of her self-esteem and example for her future partners. As for me? I'm now 62 and rebuilding my life.

    1. Yes, I’ve heard from other children of narcissistic parents who eco the same sentiment. It is never too old to rebuild your life. One step in front of another! -Dr. K

  63. This is spot on! Thank you. Divorcing a covert narc who is intent on destroying me. He’s taken me through the criminal justice system trying to get me convicted for finally snapping back at him (the courts saw straight through him) he’s trying to get social workers onside (they see through him too) he’s moved on with someone else (in less than 9 months) and yet he is intent on destroying me financially through the legal system now. Why????? Why won’t he let me go?? It’s all about control and his sick little need to win. It’s exhausting 🙁

  64. I am the am the man described in this article. I have read comment after comment, and it sounds like a lost cause. Is there any information on how help someone like me? All I read about is how to get out of a relationship with someone like me.
    Do you suggest couples therapy or just therapy for myself?
    I need help!

    1. I would suggest individual therapy before considering couples therapy, yes, in the case of covert narcissism, and not to self-diagnose. Cognitive-behavioral therapy will help you to identify cognitive distortions.

  65. Your article was so validating and really clarified what I had experienced in my 15 year marriage. Thank you! Nevertheless, I must point out that you cannot say with certainty that covert narcissists don’t leave the marriage or file for divorce first, as they very much do!
    Once the covert narcissists no longer sees you as a good supply, they discard you. Once they can no longer manipulate you, they discard you. Once you see behind their mask and call them out, they discard you. I was discarded. I was discarded when I told him I no longer believed a word that came out of his mouth. I called him out on his lies, manipulation and gaslighting. He went into a narcissist rage. I told him he scared me, something was very wrong, and he needed help. He attempted to stonewall me, a very common behavior of the covert narcissist to shut you down. I pursued him to continue the conversation. He called the cops on me. He falsely accused me of slapping him and pushing him. There were no marks. It never happened. He wanted me arrested and thrown in jail, but the officers (3 of them) did not arrest me. The next day, the covert narcissist went to the county court house and filed a complaint against me and was able to get a Civil Protection Order against me. I was served by two sheriffs and forced to leave my home with the clothes on my back, no where to go. He cut me off financially. I am in grad school working on a master degree in trauma counseling. I am not working. A week later, he filed for divorce. So you see… covert narcissists do file for divorce once their mask slips and you see them for who they are. The COO was his way of discarding me. It was the ultimate stonewall and it was meant to silence me. They cannot have you expose them for who they are. They cannot have you hold them accountable, so they silence you!

  66. I am a spouse of a covert narcissist. We have been married 47 years, we are both Christians, and for some reason, all the behaviors that have been going on for years are now getting much worse. I don’t know how to manage him. Divorce is not an option. Now that I have retired, life is really difficult. What can I do? I am usually an enthusiastic and happy person, but I feel myself getting depressed and sad more often. I need tools to live with him. We have been to a counselor, but my husband is always really nice and fake with the counselor.

    1. Coping effectively is an ongoing challenge for women who choose to stay married to men who have been diagnosed as narcissistic. The “grey rock” method is sometimes advised, but that can be difficult to be authentic and a “grey rock.” I would suggest all women in your situation get a good coach or therapist who can help them to define boundaries and learn how to reinforce them. Couples therapy is not recommended for the reason you just stated.

  67. This article describes my 18 year marriage (20 yrs together) more accurately than anything I’ve ever read or tried to articulate to family, friends and even therapists before. It’s as if you were able to take all of my thoughts, feelings and memory of the last 18 years and finally put them into coherent words for me. It gives me such relief!!! I could cry! NO ONE believes me that I’m in an emotionally abusive marriage, and no one will help support me to get out. Starting the whole process secretly on my own with a women’s resource center. Just worried about my 5 kids. Please keep writing and giving more exposure to this topic for women like me. It’s not out in the open nearly as much as it should be.

    1. I understand how u feel as well, I just read my entire relationship on a website. This is exactly my husband to a T. I feel incredibly empty inside and my children also feel his effects.

  68. I want to thank you for this. I found it by accident but it totally explains my 20 year marriage. I always thought a narcissist was someone thinking they are so great but he was the opposite. The covert part really explains it. Since I found your article I have read several books about it and can really see the whole thing for what it was. I left 10 months ago and haven’t been this happy in so long even though I am up to my neck in debt. He was financially abusive as well and I also just learned that was thing. We have a wonderful daughter together and his issues are showing up with her now. His communications are terrible. He has a bad relationship with his dad who has his own issues. I know that’s where this all comes from. I have been in therapy for several years and was the only way I could ever have the strength to leave. He would never get help and is an alcoholic which makes everything worse. But I am on the road to happiness. Thanks again!

  69. I married one and did not realize it at the time. He is all that is described above and more. The kids hate him and my mother, like the song says, "My mama don't like you and she likes everyone". Been married for 16 years and he doesn't realize it but we are on our last leg. It is a shame but I am worth more than this. Just read this and thought to myself, how many people are like this and how did they become this delusional?

    1. I think the most direct answer is: “They stopped trusting themselves (their internal sensations) in favor of trusting him.” We know deep down when we pay attention to ourselves that something is off. But we listen to his words and we think: “Well, he says the right things. He must love me.” And I believe for a lot of partners, they were raised to distrust themselves in favor of trusting “the other.”

      The simplest to say (and hardest to do) is to begin to rely on one’s feelings for “knowing” the truth, instead of ignoring one’s deepest knowledge in favor of another’s words.

      Love is blind, but you don’t have to be.

      Thanks for your comments.

  70. I am in this kind of relationship. But I also have been in the past. Divorced. Attorney. He destroyed my life… well he tried to. And severely affected the relationships with my children (or better said, non-relationships at this point). I am now involved in an even worse relationship that has escalated to physical abuse over the last several years. I am 47 years old. And still a very attractive woman. Healthy and have a kind spirit … I’m not incredibly depressed, despite my circumstances. But I think I do need help. I don’t have money. Medicaid insurance. And the money I do have is in his control. It’s not enough to change my life anyway. He has said he would pay for therapy…

    1. Check out your local community mental health center that will accept your Medicaid and give you help without anyone else’s money. You have a lot of life ahead of you. Learn to choose partners more skillfully.

  71. Reading this article and so many of the comments brought tears streaming down my face, a feeling of being understood and the release of emotions a needed support after months of not being able to see my therapy team.

    I have been married for 23 years and in the past year and a half have really only begun to understand that I am not at fault for everything. This was only possible while physically distancing myself (not fully and definitely not emotionally) for 7 months as I received treatment for a severe eating disorder, anorexia nervosa – restrictive with purging. It took me many months of an amazing therapy team to see the pieces of my life and how they have built where I stand today. As a young girl, I had undiagnosed OCD and ARFID. As I went through life, the my experiences sexual abuse by a babysitter, rape at 16 with an amazing son born from it, started to shape who I was and my self-worth. I met my husband when I was 19 and he had the facade of being supportive and caring- the need to be adored and a white knight syndrome. I have always thought all failings were of my own. We continued our lives together with me living in the shadow of his larger-than-life personality and envying his sense of confidence.

    He helped me believe that the only way to prove my love was through sex and if not given freely, it would be coerced through emotional manipulation or other sexual acts which I would dissociate through. If not given at all, there were many nights that he would use my body as a tool/prop to satisfy his own need with porn. Only now I realize that is not okay and not a normal part of a marriage. His sense of me as a piece of property only intensified after I made a critical mistake in our marriage and hurt him deeply by cheating on him (4 years ago) extremely triggering for him and I understand that. His constant recording, monitoring of all activities, opening my mail and signing my signature, and invasion of me has intensified worse than it was before. He is jealous of any interaction I have…with my kids, dogs, family, or friends and as a result i let many of my relationships suffer. I was made to believe that it is what I deserve.

    Coming back from intensive treatment, I was able to hold some of my growth but without the means to continue treatment (lost job after a year on leave and still trying to get a new one) and needing to come home to provide stability for my kids and ensure they are not the brunt of his lash outs, I am able to see how interconnected things are. I should have listened to my first treatment team and a few others that I cannot heal nor stay in recovery in this environment.

    And then I get angry at myself for not being strong enough to communicate my needs and take action. Even after reading up on many of the tips to dealing with narcissistic behavior, I again fell into the cycle last night. With my oldest son and 4 children together (with the youngest being only 9 and the others adults), I often wonder if I can just last another 9 years. I can see a light in the future but not sure I am strong enough to walk towards it.

    How do others find the strength to not fall into the cycle and to begin to take steps towards a future they can grow in? I don't feel I have a support network I can rely on.

    1. I do believe that you have established a support system of clinical helpers, and that’s an important level of support. Keep that up! The key issue is to understand how you have been seduced into the interactional pattern that is destructive to you. That’s what you can get help to understand more clearly. That, and that another 9 years will not be a cakewalk for your child either. I wish you great strength and wisdom.

  72. PA

    O M G I can’t believe this, I am certain this article is written about my husband 100%,
    For years and years I have been soul searching and trying to work on improvring myself, improve my attitude and my thoughts, as to why I am the crazy one, why I am the problematic wife, why I am a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, questioning myself and not understanding what was wrong with ME!
    O M G!! It’s NOT me! To finally get clarity is gobsmacking.
    He is always so charming and liked by everyone. Women chase him, right in front of me mind you, and he thrives on it, even men are under his charm and think he is such a gentleman. I am envied by women, saying I am the luckiest woman, I have everything in my husband!
    We have been married for almost 44 years with 4 adult kids and 4 grandkids. All my attention is for my kids and grandkids, which he gets very jealous about, saying I always put him last. I realised today he might be right, With all the horrible things he has said to me and awful things he has done to me, the disrespect and disregard he has shown me since before we were even married, it’s no wonder I put our kids and grandkids first.

    I am crying and feel sad for my heart and soul for the torture I have been putting myself through for over 44 years. I have never spoken to anyone about how he has is treating me.
    I convinced him on two seperate occasions to see a couples Counsellor with me. He said straight off “I am the love of his life, he adores me and doesn’t know what my problem is”. that our an end to couples therapy both times. The Counsellors immediately fell under his charm. I had nowhere to turn and thinking I was not a normal wife!! Thinking I was useless and worthless.

    Thank you for this article, it has enlightened me and given me hope and a little strength. I just need to find courage to stand up for myself successfully with him.
    I don’t know what looks like right now but at least I now know I am not the problem. Don’t get me wrong I am by no means perfect either, nobody is and I still don’t know where or who to turn to for help.

  73. You just described my 30 year marriage to a T! Put 20 years ago I apparently demeaned him as he called it. And has held a grudge and behind the scenes ruin my credit stole my identity, turned my children and family against me and ruined my stole my passion. My business. Once I opened Pandora’s box it has been the most devastating and traumatic experience! When you discover you have come face to face with a person who has no conscience or the ability to be honest or real and it was all a lie. And you were chosen because of your believe in yourself and would be easily manipulated and controlled! It’s a complete violation and betrayal of one’s sense of self and any way of defending yourself of their false sense of reality! By the time you realize that you have under a character attack everyday for thirty years. And the psychological warfare that you were under. It’s to late. And if you yourself have had any unresolved childhood or betrayal issues ir any kind of unresolved emotional or psychological problems! It usually results in not being able to recover from it! In my case that was what he was relying on! But the fastest and best way to heal is knowing one’s self! They are master manipulators and that’s the only way they get their selfish needs met. It’s not personal for them. You could be anyone. So the quicker you accept the reality of the situation. The wicker you can detach and do what you can to protect yourself. They take away your support system will isolate you and leave you with just the clothes on your back. By the time you realize what is happening they have already convinced your family and friends of whatever they can get them to believe and so it only makes it worse to try and convince them of anything else. I have lost my kids and my family. My home, my business, my future, my retirement, and have to start all over again at 58. I can’t be verified by the IRS or Social Security, the credit bureaus. It’s really difficult to say the least. But mental illness is a devastating thing and destroys people and family’s. I have a grandson who just turned one and I have never even seen a picture. The best thing I can tell you is stay true to you. Know that it’s not your fault. Seek help from a professional who specializes in personality disorders. And as long as you know yourself no matter what they say or convince others of, you need to detach from that stuff. Concentrate on yourself, taking care of yourself and getting professional help. And in time things will start to get better and you will be able to get back the the things that are important and your family and friends will come around. You had no control over what happened and it doesn’t matter what he says or did unless you let it! Take your power back and know it will take time and patience and perseverance. You will recover and be able to have a better life without his mental illness become yours.

  74. I have been married 20 years and this is exactly the man I've been married to. I recently left to try a "healing separation", and only 3 months in and I'm already sure I won't be going back. Couples counseling isn't really an option because he refuses to believe he has a problem (after all, he is such a "nice guy"), and I no longer have the strength to try to work it out.

    I realized that I keep reading articles such as this one because even though I already KNOW he's a C.N., I keep thinking I'm the one who is the problem and was wrong for leaving. I've been reading these things to get reassurance that it's not me, it's him. The last paragraph resonated (about them not initiating divorce but basically making you want to leave), and gave me a little sense of comfort about making the decision to separate for my own well-being. Now I have to work on deciding what my next steps are and how to handle my decision, no matter what it is. Thank you for writing this!

    1. You are welcome. Yes, chronic doubt about “whether you are doing the right thing by leaving” is a very common thought in these sorts of marriages. After all, everyone tells you what “a nice guy” he is!

  75. takes us so long to believe in ourselves after the emotional abuse and our adult children confirming it is not normal after being around friends parents in a normal , unconditional loving relationship . We don't see it because we love the other person and have feelings emotions empathy. These covert narcissist have none. And as they get older they are the victims and you question yourself. It's called crazy making, you feel like you are going crazy. And in reality you are just trying to understand it all. Mental health and personality disorders were not talked about until the last few years and people are now talking about it more and getting help. Years ago it frowned upon and even worse the victim would victimized again when asking for help or medication for depression. Covert narcissist will literally kill your soul and spirit, you are not yourself anymore. You think it's the change/midlife/menopause, making you feel that way ( in a long term relationship 33 yrs) then before you know it your life has been nothing but caring and taking care of your family and always put yourself last because that was what you were suppose to do as a mother / wife. I was never allowed to go to school to further my education my income was supplemental. He was the provider. Until you get independent they will always act that way and treat you that way. They don't like equal even though they say they do, they want you codependent. As soon as you are not, they change for a little bit then right back where it use to be and because he changed for a min, you saw hope. It won't change its a cycle . So you either learn how to deal with it and understand it isnt you and don't take it personal, or move on. It's heartbreaking because you truly love this person. Just understand you will never get the same in return.

  76. It's like you wrote this about my husband. Seriously. Knowing that the world will never understand how awful he really is is extremely frustrating. His mother is even worse and I don't understand how I didn't see it before we were married. I guess they both hid their true personalities as well as their strange relationship with each other just long enough. Now it's like a nightmare that never ends. You nailed it – they will threaten divorce over and over and then completely play the victim if you go through with it.
    Good article, thank you for writing it.
    Side note: it appears that your number 3. is missing.

  77. Would love to request a therapist, but your site “recaptcha” requirement is not working. You hit it to verify one isn’t a bot and it just spends and never does anything.

    1. Thank you for letting us know, we will look into that and in the meantime, send you some information over email.

  78. This has been one of the easiest articles to read compared to many others. This was like taking the words out of his mouth and my thoughts out of my head. I’ve been researching this for a very long time so I already know. However this article should be shared because it is so easy to read and understand. I’ve been with him since I was 16. I am now 23, with a 3 year old son. It’s very heartbreaking knowing now what is to be true and yet I have no way of getting out. I guilt myself a lot. And I’m not sure what the future holds.

  79. My husband and I have been married 30+ years three children five grandchildren. He only relates to sex as it’s an obligation for me to him. He always belittles me like I can never keep the house clean enough or keep his laundry done. I have to listen to him every 3 to 4 days telling me how he only has one pair of jeans left or one pair of underwear or socks And he has a probably 100 pair of socks because if he doesn’t have what he needs clean he’ll go buy more. He never gets rid of anything and calls me a hoarder. Him helping is cooking dinner and making a mess that consist of me cooking dinner, three times and walks out of the kitchen and never scrapes a plate or puts away anything so I spend the rest of my evening cleaning up his mess , when I cook he stands over me watching to tell me how to do it the majority of the time. I can’t drive my own car if he’s in it because I’m not good enough, we have no conversations unless it’s about what he wants. When we go out with friends. It’s only the people that he chooses , we’ve had a place at the lake and for a few years and I’ve never been able to invite any of the people that I have , my friends unless they’re his friends. He talks down to all our family , my son the most . He’s a racist against black and Mexicans and my granddaughter that we’ve been raising since she was five months old and is now 17 is 1/4 Mexican. She’s been telling me for a few years now that he’s a narcissist and that she can’t stand being around him. She asked me yesterday if she could start seeing a therapist because of him and her parents who she hasn’t spoke to in over eight years. He’s the life of the party when we go out with friends, at mine and everyone else’s expense . Everything in our life that hasn’t went right is my fault , and he never lets me live anything down not even some thing from 25 years ago.

  80. The information you have given is the exact husband i am living with for the last 34years. It is like you were talking about him….. everything is exact behavior he exhibits. I desparately need Spouse Counseling to Recover from Covert Narcissism.

    1. Be sure to ask ahead of time: “Do you have experience working with women or men who have left spouses who are covert or passive-aggressive narcissists? If they have no idea what you’re talking about, try someone else. -Dr. K

  81. This is very much my husband, he is definitely a covert narcissist. He always feels entitled and overconfident, and most often he doesn't accept opinions. He imposes a Mr. Nice Guy character though he is very kind and helpful by nature. What I don't like about him is that he always considers others over himself, even if others have already done wrong to him, he still thinks that it is his mistake. Even if he is already belittled he is still humble. I just want him once in a while, to consider himself.

  82. Here's a black humour joke–
    What's worse than a husband who's a covert narcissist?
    A covert narcissist husband who is also a litigation lawyer.

    Absolute hell.

    Together for 46 years, married 42, 3 kids and 3 grandbabies. It all means nothing to him except what more can he take from me. Because (in his words) it's all transactional. Me, family, friends, community, our life together, just a business transaction. Of course there's a new (younger, $) woman to feed his narcissistic supply, too much effort to leave me otherwise. Which he actually said to me "wasn't worth the effort to leave before".

    Ouch! It hurts so much……

    I wish I had known about covert narcissism years ago. Instead of just wondering why I was constantly walking on eggshells.

    1. Check local therapists to ask: “Who has experience working with personality disorders?” Then pick one and plan to be uncomfortable, feeling “unfairly accused” and “misunderstood.” See what you can learn throughout it, and expect it to take 1x a week for a few years, at least. Longer, if you have a history of trauma.

  83. Wish there was a button to swap gender roles for this article. It's a little difficult to keep doing it mentally, keeping the pronouns and narrative properly intact. Why "husbands"? Why not "spouses"?

    This is my wife to T.

  84. You’ve literally described the relationship I’ve just left. We dated for 3 years… only seeing each other on Sundays because of our schedules. Every Sunday was a joy with him, although I spent most of the date listening to him talk about himself. When I moved in a year ago, the fireworks started and a switch was flipped. I realized that I truly didn’t know him. Living with this man was a rollercoaster of highs and lows. He would stonewall, gaslight, manipulate… and not just with me. He did this with his 14 year old son who lived with us. It was heartbreaking. Halfway through the year living together, I started to lose interest in anything sexually related with my ex. His horrible behavior was such a turn off. Also, he never initiated, I always had to do the work for a healthy sex life. He claimed to “stop trying” when he never started. Whenever we would have a disagreement, it would lead to a massive meltdown. He would scream at me to get out of his house. He didn’t actually want me to leave, he was doing this to end the discussion and control me. He would later promise to work on communicating, but never did. He kicked me out a few times… it was shocking and insulting. I was so attached to his son and the two cats, so I stayed. However, I told him that if he did it again, I would actually leave. Well, he did it again… he kicked me out after another senseless meltdown. I moved out 2 weeks ago, and I’m seeking therapy. He is a deeply selfish narcissistic man who is loved by his coworkers, yet he terrified his son and girlfriend at home. His coworkers have no idea who they are dealing with. He has only been working there for a little over a year. Perhaps one day they will see the truth. He truly is a monster. I feel so sorry for his son. He’s such a kind and loving child. I told my ex’s mother and sister some of what happened. They promised to check in on the boy, but had nothing to say about the emotional abuse. I suppose they had always known about him, but hoped for the best. What a nightmare. I’ve lost 4 years of my life to this man, but I’m slowly gaining self respect and dignity back. I know the warning signs and red flags now… I will never let this happen to me again.

  85. Wow. That article perfectly described my husband and I. We have been married for 5 years together for 12. My dad died in 2019 and things have just been bad. He completely turned on me claiming that I'm someone I'm not. I feel like all the things in the article are true. What do I do. We have 3 kids together.

  86. Thank you so much! This is the most relatable article.

    I’m not sure what to do. I have teenagers with a CN and don’t know if I should I stay or get a divorce. It’s gotten more intense over the years. Though I worry if we get a divorce, the smearing and all the other tactics will get worse and then it may affect the kids’ stability, including some of their relationships. I also think after a divorce, the kids and I can have peace (and happiness) in our home. I make an effort to have fun now, especially when CN is gone, but his tactics also drain me – I’m tired a lot, especially when he’s around. I keep going back and forth, is divorce, or (5+) more years the better option?

    1. Consider working with an individual therapist who have a good working knowledge of covert narcissism. It will help you to get clearer no matter what you decide. -Dr. K

  87. Hello!
    My husband is a covert narcissist (I absolutely believe this after 23 years of marriage). He lies regularly, takes my things and puts them in different places, comes across as a people pleaser but there is no close or "real" relationship, his reputation is of utmost importance to him, he denies almost everything, I believe he is either hacking my phone or looks at it regularly, doesn't get together with his friends unless they call him, his mother once told me he was "special," I saw him have a really weird contorted face not that long ago which was very unsettling (first time I saw that), schmoozes people, especially women, plays only the good guy with our son unless I push him into being an actual parent (even then has a very difficult time being a parent), smoked a cigarette the other day in a restaurant bathroom (!), doesn't let people in on the highway, will do things for me but only 80% so I then get mad and he has lame excuses (ALL THE TIME), will actually get something from the store I said not to get (don't buy this if you can only get it in the large bottle – and then brings home the large bottle). Living and being married to this person is maddening. He flips everything around on me, never says he sorry FOR ANYTHING. For a long time I apologized to him! Then I started paying attention and realized it was actually him, but he twists and turns things so much it is confusing. Then I started reading about gaslighting and realized THAT'S what he is doing. He is a major gaslighter. HELP! We have debt that needs to be paid off, have a son in college (sophmore), I live in a city with no family and only a few friends, one of which thinks he is amazing (UGH). I don't think there is any help for him – there are so many things wrong here. He is going to the Amen clinic tomorrow for a spect brain scan that I told him he had to get. I'm at my wits end and don't believe I can continue living like this. I can only be "happy" for a few days or a week before he pulls something again that brings me way down (like missing items).

    1. Gaslighting is serious abuse. I also find it interesting that many people find it impossible to get out of debt when they live with a covert narcissist because they refuse to cooperate with a budget or hide money. Find a therapist or trusted other to talk to. Learn how to maintain your own boundaries. It’s not an easy process and it will take time. I wish you courage. -Dr. K

  88. Wow…just..wow. Finally an article that is so incredibly accurate about covert narcissism. You’ve really described my experience and said things here that I’ve been searching for for years. A few years back, right around the time I couldn’t take it anymore and was crying out to God for answers I had a dream that my spouse was “an empty suit”. He actually looked like a cartoon that had air pumped into his suit but underneath was nothing. There wasn’t even a body. And he strutted around trying to appear important.

    I’m so grateful I got out soon enough that in 10 years it’ll be a just a blip in my younger days.

    I also dealt with compulsive sexual entitlement (Omar Minwalla) on top of covert narcissism. I could go on and on about my story but I will go back to this article for years to come. Bless you 🙏🏼

  89. This is exactly my husband! You nailed it all! Thank you! I've felt crazy for decades. We were married 35 years, and he basically lived a second life all of those years and admitted it. I had to file for divorce just like you said, and now, his second wife has left him. He doesn't fit the overt narcissist category, but this covert definition fits perfectly!

  90. What would you recommend therapy-wise for someone trying to recover from 30+ years of covert narcissistic abuse (which is EXACTLY as you described above)?

    1. I would recommend committing yourself to a skilled individual therapist who can help you regain your dignity. It will not be short-term work, FYI. Check your medical issues as related to this abuse as well. -Dr. K

  91. Thank you for this article. It leaves a knot in my stomach. This describes my friend’s boyfriend to a T and she keeps making excuses for him. They just had a baby, she spent her entire pregnancy crying and unsupported by him. He had no empty and is so selfish. But to the world, he is such a nice guy! And to make matters worse, she is about to move across the States with him, away from her family and friends. I sent her your article, she admits that he is like that but is unable to stand up to him and is still wanting to make the relationship work! He doesn’t like me because he knows I can see him for who he is. I am so worried and heartbroken and I don’t know what to do. I sure hope she’ll wake up before the big move. Thank you for writing this article. I still hope it will help her see him for what he is.

    1. It’s time to help her to help herself, Jenny. Forget about your focus on her marriage. Understand that it is her empathy and understanding (features your probably love in her) that prevent her from advocating for herself. This she needs to use more wisely. Encourage her to get individual help. -Dr. K

  92. Of all the articles, blogs and other information provided regarding narcissism; marriage and divorce; your article was so painfully accurate I had to reach out. For 32 years I’ve felt as if I was crazy…

  93. I had a very hard time reading this. Most of the time I feel like I'm going crazy…its all me.. This is my 2nd marriage 17years
    First marriage 24.

    1. Feeling like you are to blame is a frequent occurrence. That’s not by accident. Many CN husbands paint themselves as victims who are abused by their wives. -Dr. K

  94. Married for 40+ years and have a long saga. Your article describes my H almost to a T. I've been diagnosed with ptsd dt my H. I'm in a Zoom group now which says couples therapy doesn't work when the H is a narcissist. They have to have prolonged, individual therapy and even that is doubtful. If you've had success with couples where the H is a covert narcissist, could you send me info if you are currently scheduling? We could self-pay. Thanks –

    1. Hi Carol, It would be a much more positive sign if your covert narcissistic husband were writing to ask how he might be able to change to save the relationship. This would indicate that he sees something, anything amiss in himself. This is one of the reasons why couples therapy is ineffective with this or most other (what we call) “ego-syntonic” personality disorders. Ego-syntonic refers to ideas that are acceptable to the self and compatible with one’s values and ways of thinking. Most narcissistic husbands believe that you are the problem…that you need to change, that they are fine the way they are, or if they aren’t fine, you are to blame. Couples therapy, to work, needs two people who are willing to accept their contribution to the problem and be willing to make changes in themselves. This is what is often missing with narcissistic spouses. They come wanting the therapist to agree that YOU need to change. That never works out well. -Dr. K

  95. Your article had dropped my jaw! This is literally my life. My husband is well love by all, would do anything for anyone, with a few exceptions me and the kids.

    The last line of your article blew me away. I am currently in a long term marriage (just over 30 yrs) and feel he is pushing me to divorce him. I have always told people he is a narcissist but no one believes it because he will jump through hoops for anyone outside the home but inside different story.

    He also does not really seem to have any emotions, like either way, he always is happy 24/7, nothing ever bothers him, unless of course I am along for his assistance. That has always felt weird to me.

    So shocked, but happy to finally be able to put a finger on it.

    1. Thank you for reaching out, someone from our team will send you more information shortly about Dr. K’s availability.

    1. Nope. There is only a tiny percentage of health insurance companies that pay for couples therapy. If yours is one of them, you can submit the claim yourself. -Dr. K

  96. May I please have your contact information for your couples therapy. This is the first time I have ever read anything that has been so spot on with how everything is happening , how I am feeling, what my husband seems to be feeling, what he does express and show and say. There is a very troubled childhood for him and I believe still affects him now but help henjiar won’t seek unless someone does the seeking for him. Please I am begging for help to save my marriage

  97. Hi – I’m not in the market for a couples therapy because I’m already separated. But I just want to say that I never read anything, until now, that captured my experience so perfectly as your description of the covert narcissist husband. Reading this helped me so much to give language and clarity to the painful confusion that I endured, and still deal with in our coparenting relationship. I just wanted to thank you!

  98. I cannot believe that I have just read this article-I could have written it.I was starting to blame myself entirely for a disastrous 43 years of marriage to " a nice bloke".The small details you describe are so perceptive and accurate in describing my relationship .I am at a stage where I am beginning to think I must be the abusive one and that the unloving , unempathetic , emotionally cruel but "truly wonderful "man I married is a victim of me.
    Your words have given me a new sense of sanity and renewed belief in my own analysis of the situation.Sadly I have to continue living in this isolating emotional desert as my husband will not cooperate in moving to separate and to work out a financial arrangement. I am currently working on how to live separately under the same roof
    Thank you for this illuminating article which I will keep close and 're read and maybe even commit to memory !!!

  99. This is truly amazing. My ex husband! Did you know him? I was with him for 27 years have been divorced for 14 and still try to make sense of my marriage. Everything that is said about the covert narcissist husband rings so true it hurts. His latest statement to my two daughters is that he was too good for me and how could I possibly leave someone like him! That says it all.
    I continue my healing but the sadness I feel is still palpable. It was so difficult to escape and build my own life but I did. How could I fall in love with someone so lacking in any real feeling for anyone but himself? That is a question I am still trying to answer.

  100. My husband never comes down Christmas morning to see the kids opening their gifts, he always makes an argument so he doesn’t have to take part, he leaves his gifts from the kids unopened and makes it out like we’ve done something, he then likes to give the quiet treatment and sulk for days, the atmosphere makes us all very edgy and anxious, he really seems to get off on controlling the mood of the house. The kids are all old enough to know what’s going on and it makes them incredibly sad and angry…he’s like this in general but worse at Christmas

  101. My wife accused me of being a covert narcissist during a one-and-done MC session in Aug 2021. Which caused me to really evaluate myself because I felt that our marriage of 20 years simply suffered the normal wear and tear of life plus having two teenagers around.

    Then she stopped talking to me completely from Sept thru Feb. Had applied for and was hired for a job (her first in about 10 years). Never said a word about the job to me; not where she worked, her salary, what her boss or co-workers were like. She just went about her business while slowly removing me from her life.

    I see my mistakes now. That doesn't necessarily make me a narcissist. And she's not perfect either.

    I over-focus on the kids and not enough attention to her. Yes, I did tend to elevate my needs higher than hers. Yes, I did not give enough emotional support. I was not always there when she needed me. She does tend to reject a lot of things; Mother's Day flowers, Valentines' Day; gifts I selected for her, she almost always returned them. After a while I just started giving her a card and cash.

    Is it narcissistic to want to please your wife with something? Most of our arguments were almost always something financial. She is not a heavy spender on luxury stuff, but she is just not good with money; never wants to write out a budget, doesn't manage her checkbook.

    Sex life was fine, no complaints but then Pandemic came and with both kids home from school, sex was out. She has a fear of discovery. Also she went thru a phase of menopause which I'm not sure that is complete or not. She's 50 now.

    I supported her interests. She enjoys painting and is actually quite accomplished in it. Then she said I didn't spend enough money on it.

    In this past year, in addition to the 6-month silent treatment, she turned her back on me completely; not sharing meals, not sleeping in the same bed anymore. Her behavior grew more and more hostile, I don't want to use the word contempt but that's what it felt like. She finally consulted a lawyer and filed for divorce after I couldn't take it anymore and blew up at her. Maybe she planned it this way.

    Mean, heartless words about our marriage right before I left.

    Ok, look, I admit to being lazy, watching football on Sundays, spending too much time on the Internet, reading books, following the markets. But I was a steady worker, don't drink, never laid a hand on her, was a good father, went to Church with them on Sundays. Was on good terms with her family. No infidelity. Selfish, I mean, who isn't?

    I'm not in love with myself. I don't go beyond shaving showering and getting dressed. I don't try to lead people or influence their behavior. Did I manipulate her or intimidate her? I'm trying to search for examples but I can't find many. I gave her a lot of freedom. Out with her girlfriends sometimes to 1 or 2 in the morning. Let her spend hours on the phone, and I mean a 2- or 3-hour phone call was not out of the ordinary for her when she hooked up with her girlfriends.

    I think she brainwashed herself, or someone else brainwashed her into believing things about me that are simply not true.

    I'm far from perfect, but I am no narcissist.

  102. My husband is like that and I finally said I wanted a divorce and he lied of course and screwed me over financially. He broke everything I liked, just the purple one, he continually set out to destroy me and my feelings and everyone thinks he's wonderful including my daughter because used to make me so angry. He coopted people at tennis so everyone shuns me because he's such a NICE GUY. I could write a book on him and his behaviour.
    Now I am stuck and feel so bad all the time, when I should be over the moon and instead feel devastated, I despise him. People need protection from people like him.

  103. Some good points it seems…. But laced with that same old ambiguous bullshit that fits all relationships at some point on the spectrum between ideal and unpleasant…

    It’s just frustrating to see that a lot if this is simply someone searching to finding the right amount of justification to valid a decision they made or considering to make…

    Not an answer, rather someone of authority or expert to co-sign their actions … regardless… of anyone or anything else…

  104. This has got to be one of the best articles written on bringing to light the covert behavior the victim endures. Explaining this to someone who has not experienced it or is not educated on it; it can seem like the victim is the altered one. Thank god there's more and more education being provided.
    Thank you

  105. Hi Ellen, I am in the same boat except my husband claims to be a professing Christian. I went above and beyond to try to get help for us and him. I have had no luck. Either people don't really know how to help us or they really just don't care. This has sure been a stumbling block in my faith. I have given up hope in trying to make it work anymore more. Everything is my fault. We will be married 12 years in April. Haven't had a sexual relationship in 7 years. Nothing. No affection. No care. No empathy. He withdrawls and then when I push him he says I say things to him that I don't say. Its like what he thinks in his mind he blames me for. Its quite crazy. I am not seeking help anymore. I don't have a support group. I am just trying to get the strength to get out of this. I don't want to be mean but I feel I am going to have to because he doesn't take me seriously. I am so sorry you went through this for so long. You will need some time to heal once you are out of it. I did like your last comment about rediscovering yourself. That does sound exciting and empowering. I wish you the best and really want it for you.

  106. I had found this article extremelly useful espetially though the examples given. The question is how to deal emotionally with being in a relationship with a person, who suffers from NPD? The more I try to stay calm, not to react to accusations, just get on with things without expectations, the more I feel that I manifest similar trades, which are then pointed out to me ('you don't even answer my questions any more'; 'you just do all these nice things to your friends to get recognition'; 'you take the kids when I am not there just to show what a nice mum you are'). Walking away, when we have a child together is not easy.

  107. I have been married for twenty five years. My husband exhibits so many of these characteristics it is unsettling. I discovered a couple of years ago that he has been “flirting” with various women. He swears he’s never cheated, but the feelings that I have about it all are essentially the same. He is so kind to everyone but me and our children. He is also addicted to gambling, alcohol, pills and everything in between.
    Now, he says he’s different after completing a rehabilitation program for 45 days and he is seeing a therapist. Of course, he shares nothing with me but only the vaguest tidbit. He’s made it clear over the years that I am not good enough for him. I’ve tried so hard to make him happy but nothing is ever good enough.
    We bought a business together eight years ago. He structured the sale so that I wouldn’t get a dime even though I worked there in addition to my full time job while raising our children and running the household. I thought he was working long hours so I picked up the slack wherever I could. It turns out he was flattering other women, spending his time getting the attention he is desperate for.
    Marriage counseling was a disaster. He refused to accept responsibility for his actions and blamed me for my reluctance to trust his recovery process. He raged throughout our marriage, our son doesn’t have a relationship with him and our daughter is too afraid to make him angry. He manipulates everyone. He has been alcohol and drug free for a while now. He wants us to stay together but he has not addressed the intense emotional abuse, unhealthy behavior with regards to women and possible personality disorders. He’s been trying so hard to be nice to me but I’ve been weary of this because he’s done this so many times before. He will be kind for a while. I begin to think he is changing and I let my guard down. He isn’t able to sustain his affection for me and he slips back into the criticism. Eventually, he’s back to ignoring me, and then comes the rage and outright vitriol.All the while, he is complaining about me behind my back. He’s creative about this. He knows that people who know me wouldn’t buy it so he’s mastered the art of manipulation and he’s careful about how he stabs me in the back.
    He loves to play the victim and can’t take it if someone doesn’t think the absolute best of him. I am completely exhausted. He is like a giant black hole, sucking everything within reach to swirl about his fragile ego. For me, I was drawn so far in, there was no escape and I was torn to pieces. I’m a shell of my former self. I’m trying to figure out how to extract myself from this marriage of pain and humiliation. I saw an attorney and he said that I was entitled to alimony, a portion of the business (because he said I was defrauded) and that he would do all the fighting. I laughed and replied that I was prepared to walk out with the shoes on my feet and my dog. This man has no idea what he would be taking on and I don’t want to have a long and drawn out legal battle. I thanked him for his advice, paid the bill and left. At this point, I’ll be grateful to leave my marriage with my life.

  108. I have never felt so seen. I am currently attempting an amicable divorce from my husband of 26 years. This article was a God-send. Literally. I have needed to understand what was happening for a long time.

    Years of lies and half truths, telling me just enough to get me off the scent. Years of being discarded when he found me less interesting than, well, anything. Never finishing a project but leaving me with the clean-up. Always being the victim of someone else’s actions. Always wanting more and more and more. He got everything he’s ever wanted, and has destroyed it all, looking for more and better. No one tells him No. Never had consequences for his bad behavior. He is the king of his world. He works so hard for nice things and then doesn’t take care of them. The responsibility for maintaining anything after he is no longer interested is mine. But to everyone on the outside he loves me so well. My friend once told her husband, Why don’t you love me like he loves Ellen.

    After finding out about an affair with a 25 year old who worships the the ground he walks on, and deciding he was in love, I decided I’d had enough. Well, he “loved me more, and loving only me was the goal” What insanity have I gotten myself into? How am I living in the twilight zone. I keep saying how did a nice girl like me end up in a mess like this?

    It has taken me a year to slowly figure out how to leave without stoking the fire of his anger and resentment. I’ve had many years of therapy trying to understand how to fix things and be what he needs. He is a bottomless pit. Nothing is ever enough.

    He’s decided to leave his boys, and the country and be a “digital nomad”. Isn’t asking for any custody. Left the country to explore new opportunities and cultures. Always looking for the new shiny thing that makes him feel special and unique. He’s been reading my emails and probably my texts. He has forced me to be sneaky to protect myself.

    I found out this week he is not in the country he said, he’s in another country with his mistress. He says he will never file for divorce and will “flip a switch” and come back to me if we can stay together. At the same time he’s frustrated the divorce is taking so long. I can’t take the double talk any more. I sent him a divorce proposal that I had drafted with the help of my lawyer. He says the divorce will be uncontested. After receiving the proposal he was irate. Accusing me of trying to destroy him. He wants me to get advice and counsel from him only. I can literally never do anything right. Never. I think I’m in for a fight. No, I know I’m in for a fight. I’m not a strong fighter. But I have to protect the rest of my life and find strength to stand up to him. I’m hoping he turns out to be a weak little man pretending to have power.

    I found an incredible group of women who tell me the truth even when I am scared to hear it. They see through his lies and double talk. They believe me and support me unconditionally. They would probably take up arms for me if the need arose. Lol. I am forever indebted to my support system for keeping me sane. They keep me faced toward the truth. They encourage me that life can be better than this and I deserve better. They are helping me believe in myself for the first time I’m a long time.

    Thank you for this article. I can see the subtle abuse I have been entangled in for 26 years. I can see how I have changed who I am and what I want to try to please him. The only thing worse than staying for 26 years, is staying for 27. I am so excited to rediscover who I am and bet on me for once. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  109. Thank you so much for this article. I have been divorced after 33 years from what I now understand was a covert passive aggressive man. When I discovered the word for his behavior that resulted in years of turmoil and never resolved problems, I was driving in my car and listening to a talk show psychologist. The woman caller to the program described her issues with her husband . The talk show host described him as being passive aggressive. The psychologist went on to explain that she too had been married for years to a passive aggressive man, and that not even she could change him. I almost drove my car off the road hearing this. It was like a light had been turned on after years of struggle and darkness within my marriage. I literally thought I was going crazy as my ex's behavior with everyone outside our home was just as you described. The total nice guy. If I had a nickle for every time I heard someone outside our home say he was wonderful and I was a lucky woman to have him, I would be a rich woman.. There were times I felt my own parents cared about him more than me. He was a total Jekyll and Hyde. I suspect Robert Louis Stevenson may have known such a person.
    This moment of enlightenment took me to Barnes and Noble where I bought the book "Living With the Passive Aggressive Man" by Scott Wettzler Ph.D. While reading the book I began highlighting the passages that described my husban's behavior. I stopped when I recognized I was highlighting the whole book.
    When I confronted my ex with the book, to my shock, but not surprise, he sulked and felt sorry for himself. When I asked why he was acting this way instead of expressing any regret or sorrow for what his behavior had inflicted on out marriage his reply was "how would you like reading a book all about you?" Shortly after this confrontation he divorced me and married his mistress. I was onto him and he could not abide that. I feel nothing but sympathy for his now wife. I hope it does not take her as many years as I to see who he really is.
    After years of educating myself I understand now he was not just passive aggressive but a covert passive aggressive narcissist. It explains all the endless questions I had for years, the self doubt, and literally thinking I was crazy. I struggle to this day to recover which is what led me to your article. I have considered writing my own book about my years of doubting myself if only to stop others from following the same path to no end.
    Again thnak you. Every article read, every book, brings me closer to forgiving myself. I can never get back the years of pain, I spent with this awful man, but I hope you and others will educate people so they do not make my same mistake.

  110. I'm honestly blown away and not even sure what to say! This is a nail on the head. I've been feeling so lost. I want to leave my second marriage so badly it's killing me. My first relationship I wasted 11 years of my life now my second marriage I've wasted 9 years of my life with a man who constantly belittles me and ignores my feelings and thoughts but yet everyone outside our home sees him as the perfect husband and father. I just turned 40 yesterday and didn't even get so much as a Happy Birthday from him. Instead I got the usual do everything I've worked all day and my back hurts from him. My whole life is wrapped around my family and my sons mean more to me than life itself but this man is slowly destroying me. I admit that I'm extremely resentful for everything he has put me through.
    I don't pretend to be perfect and I have many issues from the abuse and neglect of my childhood. My adoptive parents where my 9th placement and I've struggled my entire life to improve and get better, even now I am in therapy but last couple years I've been increasingly self destructive because honestly I've had enough..but yet I find myself unable as of right now to have the strength to leave and take my two sons with me. Honestly many times I feel like not living. I've told him more than once when drunk of course that I'm done and leaving him and then the threats spew from his mouth. "I'm the crazy one" you forget he says that your the one in therapy and have taken medication and been in the hospital. No one will believe you and your not taking my sons from me. Which in turn makes me feel like a divorce judge would side with him and take the only thing I cherish most in my life my children. Yes he's threatened to kill me if I ever tried to take my kids and leave. I'm an unfit mother he says…but yet. I have consistently had to rearrange everything to suit the needs of our family. I now work from 5pm to 1:30am 40 hours a week just to suite the needs of my family for day care or a babysitter we cannot afford. I get up after 3 or 4 hours of sleep to put my sons on the bus to turn around get household chores done and make sure bills are paid. Yes I took over the money to make sure the bills get paid for when we first met he was behind on everything. He works and does the dishes but says…your not the one that has to fight putting boys to bed, you don't know how hard my job is, oh your hurting well I'm 10 years older than you and broke my back so my pain is worse. Oh you had a shifty day at work well try going through what I went through. Hey where did all our money go I never get anything from my paycheck and you keep spending on stupid shit. You do nothing you are nothing.
    One of my sons is having a really tough time in school and at home and he's now bad with anxiety and my husband just keeps saying oh my God stop whining. Anything I do is not good enough and doesn't matter. He's had two DWI's and if I mention anything about it it's all my fault for I'm crazy and pushed him too far. He says I don't give him enough sex and I'm not kinky enough. Every time I try to better myself or improve I'm selfish.
    I am so emotionally mentally and physically drained at this point I can barely function. I'm alone and have no support and don't know where to turn and two of my biggest fears is if I try to leave he will take my children and if I stay he will ruin my children. I keep saying to myself just make it until boys are 18 or out of the house then leave then I think but there not only getting taught by him how to treat a woman but also seeing and being taught total dysfunctional life and relationships. I feel wrong wither way and now I have a hard time even trusting my gut or my decision making ability. I want so badly to protect my children and be the best mom I can be but failing miserably. I've been pushing strength to survive since I was born but feel my strength fading. I know I need to leave with my children and no I'm not looking to take them away from him and want him to be apart of there lives but I'm slowly dying and fear is stopping me from doing what needs to be done. If I can't have my children in my life I won't survive I will die literally! I've researched about getting a divorce with children and society makes it extremely difficult and complex and completely unfair. I want nothing of martial assets I just want my children that's it! I don't know what to do anymore except I know I don't have the strength to take it much longer and this is all extremely unhealthy for not only me but my children…my poor children don't deserve this 😭

    1. I’m so sorry. I can relate to what you are going through. It is really hard to keep going with only you doing self-talk to yourself. A big circle, round and round.
      Our 47th anniversary is in 10 days. I cannot stand to look at him. He has traded me for on-line porn. We have no physical or emotional attachment.
      Haven’t had sex for 20 years. He tried to play the me getting old and not fun compared to the sex divas.
      He gets very defensive if I say anything about it and tries to turn it around on me.
      He blows everything off like I am making a big deal out of nothing.
      I will pray for you. I am seeing a counselor which he never will. Our kids are grown and we have 3 beautiful grandchildren. It’s so very hard to deal with. 😢 hugs

  111. I am a visual person so it was nice to see all this laid out in written explanation. It gives me words to explain the big concept pictures my instincts draw.

    I noticed when he wants to drag me down, or I have found a means out of his continual misery, that he begins to spin. He turns reality on its head to make me dizzy and drag me down gaslighting, manipulating, and downright being a liar and a bully.

    I deep dived into why and discovered it was a lack of self. He has no worth inside himself so he spins out of control. He believes: If I get happy, if I get successful, I will leave him. He forgets I promised to get him out, free of the toxicity, and help him rebuild.

    He doesn't realize that he is creating the misery and soul draining negativity that robs us of any goodness in our relationship. He rides my coat tails, and mirrors and pairs to learn how to be a decent human being. He was never taught how to reguard others, complete tasks, serve and humble himself, nor live with any sort of selfless self sacrifice.

    Just reliability was an issue when I met him. We started building from the ground up. His will was right. His morals and ethics were intact. He has a soul, and goodness. I decided to take on the project, because I loved him.

    I rewrote his story. From high school failure to MBA with high honors. From poverty level jobs to faithful, selfless work leading to 6 digits in 5 years.

    I gave him everything I have, and yet now when I am ready to write my own chapters, spread my own wings, he is being his mother: odipital, feeding on her children like the witch in Hanzel and Gretel: holding me down and sabotaging me.

    Our children are seeing through it all and are following me closely to navigate his landmines. Thankfully he travels most of the week so the children get about 5 days of normalcy, stability, and skill building before his drama starts.

    I have found just not making myself available when I instinctively know he is going to start something helps. So does being hyper independent.

    I stick to my guns. I do not let him dissuade me from things I know are right, and I keep pressing forward. I keep a clear head, I refuse to enter into the spin, and I keep choosing light. I keep finding the way through. I keep digging my way out moment by moment, decision by decision.

    I am just tired at the moment. I am burned out. I keep reminding myself I saw value in this even though it feels impossible now that his inner monster is surfacing.

    I look at how far we have come. I rebuilt the overt narcissist's scapegoat into a successful man. Now I get to deal with the childhood trauma he stuffed down and covered over that is causing the covert narcissism. Safety leads to trauma surfacing. Time to deal with it.

    I am going to exhumed that soul she murdered, and by the power of God the dry bones will become flesh and be filled with new life. He will have new value, new purpose, and never will he be the same. God makes all things new: to fix the spinning, he needs identity. Not in me, I am just flesh and blood. I cannot supply that. Then he will just feed on me.

    But first I needed to understand this rediculous behavior that is draining my energy. Covert narcissist.

    That is probably why I keep seeing a baby brown recluse spider in my mind. Just enough poison to do some damage, and drain me, not enough to kill nor maim, and it won't face me in the light of day.

    A baby whirlwind that can't get the speed to destroy much, but makes you drained and dizzy.

    Thanks for the insight. I needed to process it all. I have my heading now. I know which direction to go.

  112. Best description I’ve read of a covert narcissist. Exactly how my husband behaved. Just come out of a 20 year marriage. You know they are being totally being unreasonable but some how they end up making you feel guilty. Tears me apart that everyone thinks he is such a great guy. I know he will be telling people that he did everything for me and this is how he gets repaid. Still struggling to come to terms with it all.

    1. I totally agree 100% with the article and your comments. married 19 yrs here. there is great reassurance is knowing this is a pattern and that I wasn't bad or crazy!

  113. I literally gasped, couldn’t stop shaking, and crying while reading this. It’s exactly what I have been going through for 13 years. I just couldn’t explain what was happening. I have felt so broken. Like I am going insane and it’s my fault all of this is happening. I am mentally and physically falling apart. Only what I can feel like is a slow death of my soul. I used to be a vibrant and outgoing person. Now I am a husk of a person. This man has been sucking the life out of me. Yet I am finding it hard to leave because I want so badly for things to work. Also I feel so stupid for trusting and letting myself get financially abused. I don’t even know where to start with leaving. I have children and nothing of my own. I will never be able to recover from this.

    1. I was where you are, four months ago. Twenty years of marriage, four kids and a business together. But I'm completely broken. The woman I once was, has been destroyed. I'm a shell of my former self. He systematically destroyed me, and he did it so covertly, blaming me for it the whole time. Even now, four months after leaving him, he still blames me 100% for the demise of my marriage and is angry and in disbelief that I left.
      Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done in my whole life. It took almost two years to gather the courage to do it and even then, with a small support network, I almost didn't do it. It was so incredibly hard.
      You WILL be okay if you leave, I promise. Slowly, you will find yourself again. You will be able to breathe again. You will remember what your favourite colour is, what your favourite smell is. You'll remember how you like your coffee – how you *actually* like your coffee, when you're allowed to go to the coffee shop by yourself and pick whatever one you want.
      He controlled all the money – even the money that I earned. And he got mad at me because I didn't earn enough (I earned more than him).
      When I left, I walked away from our home, our business, our cars. I had to go on a benefit (social welfare) to pay my rent. But now, four months on, I'm so glad I left. Sure, some days are still hard. Some days are *really* hard. But mostly, I'm happy. And my kids have noticed how happy and relaxed I am now, and how much I smile.
      I desperately wanted things to work, too. I dedicated literally half my life to this man, and when I married him, I fully intended to grow old with him. But I'm slowly accepting that it's not going to happen.
      I still wear my wedding ring. I (perhaps stupidly) still hope for reconciliation. But deep down, I know that things will never be any different.
      I feel stupid, too. But I'm healing.
      If you need help, reach out to a women's refuge centre/shelter. They have the resources to help you. My social worker was amazing. She held my hand (figuratively) the whole way and walked me through it and even now, four months old, she is still a great source of support when things get tough.
      I wish you all the very best. Marriage to a covert narcissist is absolutely soul-destroying.

  114. I haven't read through all of the comments, but from the ones I did read and the article itself, I've realized that not all, but a lot of this behavior closely resembles me. I had an argument with my girlfriend earlier (it was fairly one-sided, with me doing the shouting and her keeping quiet and eventually breaking down) and then after analyzing some of the things she was saying against my behavior, I had to do a search to see what exactly is wrong with me. My search landed me here, and I have to honestly say I'm disgusted at my own behavior and motives that I myself didn't even realize the reasoning behind, aside from the obvious fact that it was in some sort of pursuit of self-gratification. My girlfriend loves me very much and shows it constantly in the things she says and does, and I have consistently been hot/cold with her without being able to put a finger on "why?" After reading this article, I realized that I have a legitimate problem and need to seek counsel, so I can take healthy steps to overcome it. Your assessment of the "nice guy in public, covert narcissist in private" was uncomfortably accurate. I genuinely find joy in helping others, yet secretly crave recognition despite never wanting praise spoken to my face, because I don't know how to take compliments. Things just haven't adding up for me, but I figured there had to be an official explanation for my inconsistent and conflicting behavior. I think the challenge with diagnosing something like covert narcissism is in the fact that people are multi-faceted and we all go through so many life experiences that impact us and tend to shape and be shaped by our perceptions. It's easy to "blame" our behavior on events and make them the catalyst, rather than putting ourselves under the microscope to see if the issue is actually deep-seated personality problems. To all of the women, children, and men who have suffered from relationships like this, I sincerely offer my sympathy. I know I wouldn't want to date or be married to someone like me. If you are a person of faith, please keep me in your prayers as I work to actively overcome this toxic behavior and learn to be more loving, supportive, empathetic, and emotionally available.

  115. This article perfectly describes my husband of 45 long exhausting years together in marriage. It also reinforces how i missed the early warning signs while we were dating.

    I'm exhausted yet still on hyper alert .

    The adage "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" unfortunately truly applies. The inconsistencies in his behavior and their random, chaotic repercussions leave me fretfully anticipating the worst all the time. Yet the rare moment I do let down my guard–WHAM!

  116. Reading through everyone’s post, I have noticed there seems to be a trend of the marriages lasting decades. Why does it take so long to recognize, come to terms, and divorcing. Even in my case, I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and reading this article is like my life in words. This article has put into words what I have struggled to articulate for many years. Does this confusion speak to the skill of the narcissist, my co-dependent nature or something else?

    1. the length of the relationship reflects the skill of the CV to choose as a source, someone who is strongly empathetic, who buys into and sympathizes with his victimhood. The years and years of subtle abuse makes recipients perpetually think the problem is them, which is the intended goal: find someone willing to take all the responsibility. I think many of us are nurses, wanting to help heal, give of ourselves.

  117. This article hits home so much with me. I knew something wasn't right, 2 weeks into our marriage. Everything changed so quickly. The things that I can relate to the most are:

    1. Sex- I have read several posts on here and I have actually commented, after sex, I feel so used. There is no kind of affection whatsoever. There is nothing even leading up to having sex. No kissing, NOTHING!

    2. Silent Treatment-Any time he gets mad at me for anything, big or small, he ignores me. He withholds affection and doesn't speak to me for days.

    3. He is a different person behind closed doors-My family never saw the side of him that I saw, so they couldn't relate. He is getting more desperate though and has began to show that side of himself to them as well.

    4. He does not communicate his needs, then gets mad when I don't do it- I had no way of knowing that I was supposed to do it (whatever it might be).

    5. He turns EVERY conversation around and makes it about him-If I am upset about something that happened at my job and trying to vent about it, it becomes about him.

    There are so many other things…I could go on ALL day.

    Thank you for publishing this article, it is an eye opener.

  118. As a covert-narcissist, who is currently in therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder, how do I gain empathy? I don't want to be this person, but I've been this person for 35 years. What do I need to tell my therapist?

    1. As a therapist who is also married to a covert narcissist, you stated you have BPD; as a therapist I would address/target the trauma you experienced as a child. If you haven’t disclosed that to your therapist, I would start there.

  119. Oh my God. I’m shell shocked. I have been destroying my own brain, health, self-esteem, self-worth and dignity for 15 years entirely certain I was a monster. Knowing there was something wrong, but unable to pin point it and always focusing on my reaction and apologizing for said reaction, vs addressing what I was reacting to. I’ve been saying this for so many years. DH goes into a state of silent victim funk which makes me feel bad and give into his needs every time. I could go on and on but long story short— every word felt like someone was reaching into my soul and carrying a piece of it into safety security for the first time in 15 years.

  120. Oh. My. God. I just divorced my husband after he admittedly was unfaithful to me. I gasped at almost every word of this article. I could never explain to anyone, including my therapist what I actually went through.

    Thank you! I feel a sense of relief knowing that there's nothing wrong with me (at least not to this degree) but HE is a Covert Narcissist!!! I've read this twice just to get it in my brain. I pray to God for anyone that is in or has been in a relationship with someone like this. It is hell! His friends and family have ostracized me because "he's such a sweet man".

    1. I’m still in my marriage though he has left our marital home claiming he’s “waiting on me” He has put me through hell and I’ve fought back and pray daily knowing God allowed me to experience “Job” experience in Bible to get angry enough fighting for my very life and the life of our now adult children especially our daughter whom he has sucked the life out of just like he did to me which actually put me in the hospital and our daughter. I’ve recovered which doctor's know is a miracle from every form of infection etc that should have ended my life. Counseling has never worked for my marriage and barely works for me because it’s all about respecting him and letting go of my perceived pain when it’s still happening because he still tells me what to do and ignores me at the same time gaslighting me and using current technology to avoid proper communication which has not been there from the beginning being told by his Pastor before our marriage in premarital counseling. He is aware of all his mistakes and that he has damaged me in all ways yet quickly changes the story to protect his fragile ego attempting to get me to believe his version on my life which can not be proven by him expecting me to prove the “facts” when my doctors know the facts. He has our adult son doing the same. Thank God that I was put through hell to break this narcissistic pattern with my adult children whom during my nightmare rejected me as well going to the “normal” strong parent who still is controlling and manipulating them when they are both married nearly destroying our children who have found spouses that truly love them.

  121. I am sitting here and it's almost 1AM and I am astonished that I have finally found what I had been trying to put words on for 31 years. My husband is out partying with an old highschool buddy that's not married, and most likely out with other women. I have always had the feeling that I couldn't trust him, well one because he has lied from the beginning of our marriage , causing me to want to end it right then. He was throwing money away on a old rusted out hot rod while I was working , paying the bills, cooking, cleaning and managing the finances. He threatened that suicide and cried and begged me to come back home. I left for about a month. I went back because everything we had I had purchases while he was racking up credit card debt. I had gut feelings that he was cheating on me but could never prove it. He always denied doing any wrong , saying he would never do that. I should have left him for good then ,even though I would've taken a loss financially, because now 31 years later and after having one child , and she is 22 years old , out of the house, and he's not happy that she's gone, He liked her to be codependent on him. He handicapped her, because she didn't go to college, couldn't hold a job , ended up in a bad relationship with a super controlling abusive boyfriend and my husband was thrilled the day she said she needed to move back home. All through our marriage he always put her above me, and she knew it. He would mock me in front of her, and he was the Disney dad, no discipline only praise from him. I tried to be the voice of reason, but that doesn't work when the other parent just enables and gives in to her every demand. She has no empathy, compassion and only cares about herself and what she can get from people. I couldn't understand why she turned out this way as this was not what I had tried to teach her. Come to realize now that she and her dad are exactly alike. He has no empathy for anyone, and thinks only of himself. He doesn't communicate his feelings with me, there's never been intimacy and if I tried to communicate this , I would either get gaslighted or stonewalled. I wrote him letters, sent him texts, emailed him for years with NO response at all. I would ask him if he read it and he'd get mad and say yes and he didn't want to talk about it. One letter I was apologizing to him for getting angry at him for not responding to me , and for yelling out of sheer frustration. I know I shouldn't have reacted that way , but it was the ONLY way he would listen. I hated it, that isn't who I am, but it's who I've had to become to get one tiny piece of anything through to him. So because of this horrible communication pattern , which was non existent on his end, but come to find that he deeply resented me, even hated me. I found on his phone he was having an affair with my hairstylist who was also his. They both have ADD and she convinced him to come off his meds. He blames all of his irresponsibity and bad behavior on the ADD, but has never once went to a therapist for it. he doesn't care how it affects our family. He owns his own business because he refused to be held accountable by anyone. He went along to church with me for a show, it was all pretend. He lied and denied the affair , told me I was crazy and nothing was going on. Then I grabbed his phone a couple weeks later when he had assured me and the marriage counselor it was over and he promised to stop talking to her outside of his haircuts, but it was all there in a text to a friend , they were going out on walks, kayaking, and who knows what else. He says because he didn't have intercourse that it wasn't an affair and got very angry that I accused him of this. Told me I was crazy , and when I would ask anything about her, he'd get this big smirk on his face , laugh it off and call me crazy. Even AFTER I read the text message he told me that he didn't really do all those things with her. So who is he lying to , me or his friend? After he gets caught in a lie, he continues in it and gets very angry about being confronted. He tells me he can't live like this anymore because I keep accusing him of things. I'm accusing him of what he is actually doing and he is denying and I am starting to doubt my own sense of reality. I found out he was taking business assets out of our home and moving them to his friends place. He denied that as well even though I knew he was , and I had proof he was. Once again I was the bad guy for daring to ask him any questions or confront him on these things. That's when one night he casually said he didn't want to be married anymore. I was in shock. He acted as if I was just a casual fling not his wife who had done everything for him, stayed home raised our daughter, managed the household with 3 German shepherds, did all of his bookwork and all of the finances.
    So I told him I was going to go to a divorce attorney, and then he said he didn't want a divorce, he changed his mind. At this point I had spoke to a mediator who said because of him bleeding all of the money from his business and stealing our assets, I need an attorney. After I put a retainer down, he got nasty and tried getting information from me that was private and confidential. He tried hacking into my emails, and he was spying on all my texts and emails through our Mac computer which was downstairs , which he conveniently had my apple id attached to it and not his, so he could see everything I did and I couldn't see anything he did. When I asked him to enter his apple Id so I could disconnect my devices from his, he became extremely irate and refused. he accused me of wanting to spy on him and get information that I didn't need to see. Come to find out he had this hairstylist convinced that I was this horrible abusive wife, calling me uncaring , unloving, uncompassionate, unsympathetic but ONLY to him. That is NOT me. I am the opposite of all those and HE is all of those. But he convinced her, gained her sympathy and thinks he can start over with someone new, who doesn't know that he's a phony and a fake. Then he finally started doing some of the projects around here that he'd let go for years. I thanked him for each one, but that wasn't enough. He's been sleeping on the couch for 2 months and I get the feeling he thinks I owe him something for doing what he's supposed to do. I don't want him to even touch me because he thinks it's fundy that I poured my feelings out to our counselor and he lied and continued cheating. I can't trust him, I don't feel secure as he hasn't saved a dime from his business of 24 years and he is now bleeding all of our finances because he wants to leave me high and dry. When he does the things he's supposed to do, he posts on FB so everyone can see what a good and nice guy he is. He has to put on a show for people. So most people think I am the abusive one. I feel invalidated , unheard , unloved, and downright emotionally abused for the past 31 years. I am done, but this divorce is already taking a massive toll on my health because of his lying, deceiving, covering up what he's doing to screw me over financially and here he always told me he would never want a divorce. He pushed me to file so he could tell everyone what a bitch I am, including lying to my daughter about me. He wants our dog, the 2 year old who replaced the one who died at me feet. Because I am home, I spend all my time training these dogs. This one was the hardest . He threatened me more than once that he will fight for her to the death. Maybe he is planning to kill me now, I don't know what this man is capable of. He is a stranger to me, a man I never really knew. He said he couldn't share his feelings with me because he believed I would talk him out of them. His feelings that he did share , were everything that I had told him I felt repeated back to me, without him ever validating my feelings. I feel like I am living in some kind of warped reality. Everything he's ever said has been a lie. I can't believe that I am 54 years old , now going to be on my own and he thinks it's funny and told me I guess I'll just have to do what I have to do. So 31 years of my life wasted on this and now he's making a divorce a nightmare as well. I don't know how I'm going to support myself and he has drained all of our money. I cannot believe that I allowed myself to fall for believing one word out of his mouth ever. Even in our sexual relations there was Never intimacy. I complained about his and that also made him angry. I pray to God to rescue me from this abuse and help me to find a way out and never want to look back, ever.

  122. I feel like you were a fly on the wall watching my 21 year marriage. Reading through the 7 traits, I kept saying "oh.my.gosh. YES!" It's like you literally were in my life observing what happened. The only difference was, he left and divorced after 21 years… but he blamed me for being too critical. As he was leaving he vented stuff I never heard through our 21 years of marriage. Stuff I never knew bothered him or he was stewing about. Throughout the marriage I was the constant clean-up crew for his behavior. I am not saying I was innocent and perhaps my delivery of my concerns/issues should have been different. I never felt loved or cared-for by him, and the lack of engagement in our family life has left devastating damage to our children as well. He has completely abandoned the whole family, and although he wanted to see our kids "occasionally" when he could fit it in his busy lifestyle. His lack of love for them has left a bitter taste in their mouth as well. The whole thing makes me sad.

  123. The best is when after they yell at you/criticize you, they expect you to just open your legs. Then you get told off for not being close.
    I'm in the same boat here. I have two little ones and I am at a lost. He has started showing his anger towards me, in front of the children. This I can not not stand the most at this point.

  124. I was fortunate the ex covert narc ended up having an affair with a colleague ~ dont have to listen to people droning on about what a great person he is anymore
    Triangulation set me free

  125. I wait patiently for my estranged covert narcissist husband to come back from this evil psych mother in law type who tries to dominate him after she dumped her pensioner husband who did all for her but couldn't be bothered to support him in retirement.

  126. This is such a good article. Thank you. Well, I'm working on leaving this marriage. I've been married for twenty years to this much older guy (14 years older) who is eccentric, extremely handsome, charming, bright, talented, very disarming, rock star, and he works as a therapist because he is an MSW with a counseling license. It's been a total nightmare, like a horror movie, being in a relationship with him and being married to him. I am so exhausted and burnt out. He has ADHD but also some type of personality disorder. He's such a hypocrite and does not practice anything he preaches. He's self-absorbed and literally has tantrums. He's been disrespectful, condescending, callous, oppositional, explosive, and abusive for years. But, he's super respectful and kind to me in front of other people. I should have left him years ago, but I was a really devoted stay at home mom and I felt trapped. But now I'm working on getting a second career and getting rid of him. He's so unhealthy. I'm so upset about the lost years. I'm not perfect. I can be whiny and complain, but he's callous and vicious. I really wish I had left ten years ago. He has been an okay dad; I'm glad he hasn't been directly abusive to our son. But I'm so sorry for staying so long. My son heard lots of yelling from the other room at night; I sent him to therapy and he's doing okay thank God. But I really regret arguing with my crazy making husband. I don't argue with him anymore. I tell him to leave and take a walk when he's being disrespectful and abusive. If another woman is reading this, I say get out now. Don't wait. Another good resource is the book by Lundy Bancroft… Angry and Controlling Men.

  127. PLEASE, I’ve been married to a covert narcissist for 40 years. Until a few years ago, I never would have thought. But I’m quite a psychology geek and now at 61 am pursuing a MS in Positive Psychology. My own husband is my experiment. And I know NPD very well.

    I have had the unique view of a man who, in his early years, was much more of an overt narcissist. In fact, he seemed nearly sociopathic before I met him. He was 28 and I was 20. I was the perfect partner, young, dumb and empathetic to the hilt. BUT, as my husband grew older, his ego deflated. He was no longer in business and his arm candy (me) was more like arm puke, lol. Just saying, it happens. When you get old you look, we’ll, OLD!

    I WANT TO OFFER MY HUSBAND AND I TO HELP WITH RESEARCH AND, IN FACT, ILL BE RESEARCHING MYSELF. While this may sound like a silly, ridiculous offer, it needs to be done. That is, research into a personality disorder that has hijacked cyberspace. Let’s fix this thing, or at least make it better!

    My husband agrees or at least says he agrees that he has NPD. But we all know where that leads: nowhere. My dilemma is clear and I’ve found the answer. My dilemma is that I feel sorry for him and could NEVER I know the Abuse he underwent as a child at the hands of his witch demon of a mother. In the words of Dr Phil, “I don’t ask myself why he is the way he is, rather why NOT? I understand how he HAS to be Right and why criticism is so painful. I’m not going to lie, my life with him has been very painful and he has wounded all three of our sons. I’ve started to leave several times in the past few years, but CANT. My answer to my dilemma is to stay with him, unless he walks away first, which he won’t I’m sure.

    Ironically, I’m healing from a long life of toxic shame and am a huge empath – opposite of my husband. My husband is the Perfect tool to sharpen my confidence in myself. I am becoming more free by the day. I feel more sorry for him by the day and just could never leave him. So, I’m going to try some covert therapy on this man with covert narcissism – he asked for it, but I’m going to try a positive approach. I’ve got some ideas and will be presenting my studies and results.

    With all the child abuse in this country alone, and the inability to cure NPD, we are going to have to come up with ways to carve a path for all the narcissists. We can’t just continue to bash them – not that your article and research did so, but many make money over those with NPD. So what do we do with those who “can’t be cured” but need curing?

    If someone with a PhD wanted to do research on this disorder, we would be the perfect couple. My husband would get therapy but at the same time, he’s not quite sure what his symptoms are. But for whatever reason he believes me when I tell him he has NPD.

    Doctors who need subjects have two right here.

    Please contact my private email I’ve left below. Please put me in contact with doctors who may need to talk to us.

  128. Oh my God I am going on 30 years. I’ve known for years there was something wrong and I know it has to do with his family dynamic growing up.I didn’t know there was a label for it until about a month ago. I have been miserable for years. Everything, everything that they say that describes the covert he does. We are currently not speaking at all as I am being punished for my most recent infraction of calling him out on one of his deliberate bad behaviors. he never seems to remember or it’s always something I did to do it or hey I’m just crazy. I have been wishing he would die for years. I can’t leave Because I can’t take my dog if I go. I can’t leave my dog behind he knows I love the dog he’ll never let me take the dog

  129. This article is my life completely…. He's always nice out in public, and closed off and resentful at home. I've told him many times, you don't smile at me or touch me unless you want sex. Even then, the sex is not intimate or fulfilling. I'm so lost as how to move forward. We have a child and I don't want him to think that this is normal and healthy. Because it's not…. So much mental and emotional abuse….

    1. Alicia –

      YES! I dealt with the same behavior. He wouldn't touch me either unless he wanted sex. It made me feel "used" like I was only good for my body and he didn't like anything about me. I am sorry you're going through this. Just know that you are precious to God. He sees you. He loves you. He knows you. He will take care of you. God takes care of the orphans and the widows (and I consider myself a widow now that my ex abandoned the family). God will take care of you and your children.

  130. My husband has been marking absolutely everything that belongs to me with symbols, letters, numbers and what looks like cartoon characters. The floors and walls in the house are no exception. These marks are barely visible so when I mention it, I am called crazy. Among these marks are threats such as " Kill KV" (My initials) " All his" and " Buy KV". He denies any wrongdoing telling me that someone has set him up. He has given me a number of knives lately with the same marks and subsequent denial. Does this sound like Narcissistic rage? Should I be concerned? He has also changed dramatically over the past two years.

    1. I would not write on a blog about this stuff. I would speak to either law enforcement, or if that feels too extreme, to a therapist or religious leader. it may be nothing. It may be something big. Just don’t ignore it.

      1. I’m worried about the woman’s message about the threats written on her possessions. I wonder if she used her real name. If so, that post could put her in danger. Are you able to remove it?

  131. Your article was enlightening. I've been married 40 years, and I always knew there was something off with my husband, but I couldn't put it in words.

    When we get into arguments, he's brutal, wanting to inflict pain. He calls me names, makes fun of my body, gives me the silent treatment, or threatens to leave. And recently he said he wanted a divorce, which he quickly walked back. He always turns the argument around and attacks me by dragging in things from the early years of our marriage (some of which is fiction). He's hypersensitive, arrogant, and can't take criticism.

    In the early years of our marriage, he was passionate, and we were close, but he emotionally disengaged somewhere along the line–maybe when he had a porn addiction. He has also had erectile dysfunction, since his 30s, which makes sex frustrating. Due to this, the lack of closeness, and the pain I feel for the awful things he has said to me, I've withdrawn sexually, and he resents that. He puts the blame totally on me.

    During the past few years, he has become more openly selfish. He seems to have little regard for me at times. He wouldn't get me medical help when I needed it. He viciously berated me on the morning that I had to have major surgery. It's like he sees my medical problems as some kind of competition.

    He never seems to care or understand that I'm grieving over a loss, and that has pushed me further away from him. That happened recently when he acted as if I was being ridiculous about grieving for a cousin who had died.

    I would say that, yes, he has made me feel "off-balanced or inadequate." He's often in a sullen mood, distant, making me feel like he hates me. He never tells me he loves me or gives me compliments.

    I'm not a perfect person either. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety, which is debilitating at times, and I'm temperamental.

    Is there any hope for our marriage?

  132. Thank you so much for this article. It is right on target. And if I didn't know better, I could swear you have lived with me in my house, watching my marriage. Everything you have said describes us. We are in a long slow dissolution of this relationship. He has asked for an end but on other days he behaves like everything is back to normal and wants to talk about future plans. I am not yet financially stable. I may need a couple of years to get there. What can I do to survive the crazy making? And to be a loving and supportive mum to my kids?

  133. My wife has begun gaslighting me and calling me narcissistic when I try and explain to her my position in any disagreement. She will then go through the house proclaiming, "Stay away from your father. He is in a mood". I then tell her that everyone is always in a mood. There are good moods, bad moods, happy moods, sad moods, etc. I however disagreed with what you said, and because you got angry that I disagreed with you; you now involve others to spotlight me as having a problem of being in "a mood".

    We created a shared google account specifically as a portal where we can stay "in the know". Our bills get sent there. Emails from teachers get sent there. We keep track of sports season schedules there. Planned appointments, etc. I have asked repeatedly for several years that if there is anything that is going on with any member of the family; please put it in our shared calendar so that everyone is aware of it. However, I am typically the only person that updates it even though I rarely have my cell phone on me and each of them are so addicted to their phones that they are rarely without them.

    If I am in the room, but doing something that occupies my mind elsewhere at the time (doing the household budget, checking weather or news, watching an instructional video, etc) and there is a conversation going on between her and any of our children that involves scheduling and am not paying attention to the conversation – when the even arrives and I am caught off guard by the announcement, she will insist that I was in the room when the conversation was going on and it's just my bad memory. I then ask, did anyone put it on the calendar? Each of you have only your schedule to worry about, I have mine plus 4 others. She will then get the kids in agreement that, "It's just Dad's bad memory".

    She works during the school year and is off during the summers. I work for another company from home and also own my own business online as well as volunteer with our children's school in band, ROTC, athletics, and drama. She goes to all of the events but isn't involved in the parent's side of things in the booster clubs or anything other than attending. During her downtime (of which she has much) she spends the majority of her time on her cell phone playing games.

    If the topic of her lack of libido comes up she replies, "And there it is. That's why you're in a mood. Fine, I'll take care of you later." She never instigates sex, and is careful to be asleep most nights when I climb into bed. Even if we were just talking 5 minutes earlier. We will go weeks on end without any intimacy. When it does happen, it has to be the same way every time. On the rare occasion (once every few months) that she is in the mood, she will then turn the tables and say, I don't know what you're upset about – I've gone without it for 2 months. For all practical purposes we have a sexless marriage (6-10 times a year).

    We rarely argue, and do get along 90% of the time. When we do argue she passes it off as my being "in a mood" instead of listening to my point of view. I'm an empath by nature. She doesn't possess the ability to look at the world from a different point of view.

    She calls me narcissistic. I think she's gaslighting me. She had an affair on me 5 years ago. I decided to stay as long as we got counseling and even told her to pick the counselor since she was uncomfortable seeing one that we knew, and was acutely aware of the affair and knew the man she cheated on me with. 5 years later, she's made absolutely no effort towards counseling.

    I'm considering leaving in the spring.

  134. Thank you for this article. Do you take new clients right now? I’m suffering from years of living with a covert narcissist. I didn’t know that was wrong for most of the time, yet I would daydream of being from his control snd dismissive attitude. I had no idea what I was marrying.

  135. I wondered for years what was going on, even to the point of asking my husband to get tested for Alzheimer's since he always, always, always "forgot" things that he had promised to pick up from the store with the only car we had. Things that he promised me he'd do that day while I put my plans on hold for hours before I finally broke down and asked what happened with another, "Oh, I forgot" or "oh, that, I decided not to". The boasting about his "good deed for the day". The needing fawning praise for every little thing he did. All the while just steamrolling over anything I decided, anything I suggested. Eating away at me for years until today, when I feel so unseen I don't even exist at all. Holding grudges for years and randomly exploding about them. And people blame women for that behaviour! And forgiving everyone's bad behaviour towards him in public so everyone could see he's such a forgiving, "nice guy". I've had enough and getting out.

  136. So how do we leave, how do we have that conversation? I am 24 years in, with a son 21 year old, and 1 year old grandson. Who has shared custody of my grandson. My son sleeps on the couch, because my husband took his bedroom when he moved out and sleeps in there and has refused to give him his room back. My husband and son were both diagnosed with Aspergers. My husband does the majority of what I have read, he has his own room, and his dream shed. Our yard is a mess and he never offers to do any DIY. He's been in and out of work, we lost one house through his actions and just recently the same again he never worked for nearly 2 years and relied on his mother to pay, I got into so much debt to support my family. I'm exhausted and so unhappy. I believe I have trauma bonding. I can't sit and have any conversation about how I feel or the state of our marriage. He shouts and talks over me calls me names, he calls me the narc, say I've abused him it goes crazy and then I can't even remember what we said it's awful. So how do I have this conversation? I know I should leave but I never see it through.

  137. After many years I reconnected with a former friend/ dating interest during the pandemic. We spent a lot of time together outside just walking as friends. Eventually we got vaccinated and took the relationship to the next level. We fell in love. I thought he was the one. After several months something just seemed “off”. I couldn’t put my finger on it but being that I only had that feeling in a past relationship with a classic narcissist many years ago it didn’t make sense. This guy was the nicest person ever and nothing like that other guy. Time goes on and still something is “off”. Communication is a big issue. We never had a productive discussion in which I brought up something that needed to be discussed. Everything seemed like a circular argument. I usually avoided these types of conversations so as not to rock the boat. After almost a year of dating I discover this article. After I read it my blood instantly ran cold and I stayed up all night crying in panic and realized I may have fallen for another narcissist again. I was just unaware I’d the “covert” type. Sigh.

  138. I’ve been married 25 years and together 27. He has no empathy and goes from nice to mean so quickly. The kids feel his wrath when he doesn’t get exactly what he wants. I’m always depressed and can never gauge his moods. He did move out at one point but did get back together. His financial decisions have put us in really bad situations too many times to count. He treats our oldest who’s 18 and on the spectrum horrible and refuses to acknowledge his mental Illness. Always blaming him or someone else for anything that doesn’t go his way. There’s way too much to write here.

  139. I have been living this life for almost 10 years. I've tried to find the problems and i've tried to live with the problems. But this article explains my marriage to a dot. Still i love him, i don't want this to be inevitable. how do i break through to him about this? which are the right words because i have tried and just succumbed and it feels like i am just going to have to live this until it ends eventually. can i make this work? is it possible for this knd of person who is incapable of actually realising intense emotions, to just really try ? not just this. help me. my son needs a father and i believe he is the love of my life.

    1. This is your husband’s problem to solve, not yours. And it’s a long-term therapeutic issue because we would consider it a personality issue. If he isn’t interested in getting help, you are helpless to change him. You are impacted by his personality, but you cannot be the one to change it. I’m sorry. –Dr. K

    2. I'm sorry Jarika, but I have lived my whole life with "Narcissists" of all kinds. The Covert Narcissist Husband is the worst. I was with one for 8 years, and he was committing Adultery. One night I finally caught him in action and called him. He was nervous, but decided to discard me, my daughter, our home and all of his stuff here (including all kinds of evidence) to be with THE NEIGHBOR OVER ONE STREET FROM US. I was gathering evidence before he left, but still… that was shocking. He had 6 full-time girls, and 40+ other people he was sleeping with (guys and hookers as well) all going on during the work day and on the weekends.

      I was raised by Narcissists and I'm a Highly Sensitive Person. They are attracted to me all the time. The Covert Narcissist (and I'm 90% sure he's a Psychopath as well) are very tricky. He was secretive, introverted, lied by omission and was a pathological liar about everything, and was a "workaholic", and was always rushing and rushing. Couldn't sit still. In reality, he is an Evil Demon(s). He was cheating on me the whole 8 years we lived together and were married. He was sleeping with tons of people during his workday. He owns a Boat, and he was going there to sleep with them, and he made movies too. He had a whole Internet set-up and his own private Laptops and phones and would go there numerous times a day and watch the sickest porn ever and masturbate over 3 times a day… during a work day!! and Sleeping with other people. And he slept with me too!! I am so grossed out. He is a HUGE LIAR!!

      Go on YouTube and start watching Dr. Ramini and other videos. There are many great videos about Covert Narcissists. There are also coaches on YouTube that have recovery programs and help for people involved with these things. Please! Get your son away. This thing that left me put a loaded gun in my face in front of my Special Needs Daughter, he beat me up… he abused me Financially, Verbally, Emotionally and Psychologically. None of this is helping your son at all. In fact, he can learn Narcissistic Traits (all 4 of this guys sons are Narcissists, one of his sons got in my face screaming that he was going to kill me – I have never done anything mean to his family, NOR HIM). I treated this thing like gold, paid for nearly everything, cleaned, cooked dinners, made lunches, paid for his son all the time, did his laundry, always was nice and complimented him, etc. THEY DON'T STAY!! OR IF THEY DO, YOU ARE HAVING A CRAPPY LIFE. You are being "ignored", "not taken on dates", "getting smart-ass comments", "getting nothing from them emotionally", "sex will become mechanical, because they are having it with so many other people"!!! Then, if you question them, they get madder and meaner and as you can see, at the end, he attempted to murder me. He has been Stalking and Spying on us. He has no Remorse, No Guilt, No Apologies… in fact, I have been receiving the SILENT TREATMENT FOR A YEAR LOL!!! If you are receiving the Silent Treatment ever!!! LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP. IT DOESN'T GET BETTER, AND THEY USE IT TO GO AWOL AND TO GO TRY OUT NEW GIRLFRIENDS OR BOYFRIENDS. They are truly Evil inside, they need constant adoration and you won't do it for them… beginning real soon after meeting them. Get out and get a Real Man!! Who has Self-Esteem, isn't a Coward, and a Man who can actually LOVE!! NARCS DO NOT CHANGE… THEY THINK THEY ARE BETTER THAN US PEONS… AND THERAPY IS FOR LOSERS! LOL!! EVEN IF THEY WANT HELP, GO SEE DR. RAMINI'S YOUTUBE VIDEOS. I have a close family member who is a Covert Narcissist. Gets so much worse when they age!! I can barely speak to them.

  140. I've read this article many times while struggling through a rough recovery process from this sort of abuse. My father has an official NPD diagnosis, but I didn't really fully understand narcissistic abuse 'till my formerly 'nice guy' husband transformed into someone I hardly recognize. We're now on our third marital separation and I've been subjected to harsh silent treatments, invalidation, stonewalling. gaslighting, coercive control, financial abuse, intimidation, threats, and a lot of other crazy-making stuff. I feel emotionally exhausted. One of my main issues just now is getting over the trauma bond and preventing myself from chasing my husband (he often distances or abandons and waits for me to reach out to him — and thus far, I always have, much to my chagrin). I want to learn how to become stronger and stop giving in to either baiting texts or to the long silences either. I want to learn how to rebuild my self esteem and my life. (Weirdly, it was my watching the movie Gaslight that finally demonstrated to me that I needed to get out of this mess as so much of the emotional manipulation done in that movie was something I also experienced — and I had much the same reaction: feeling uncertain of myself, questioning my own sanity and sense of perception and having a crippled self confidence).

    I spotted that you offer coaching? Is that online at all? Do you offer individual coaching for recovery from this sort of abuse? If not, do you know who would? I feel I primarily need help in recovering from the trauma bond and also in helping me to get through what feels like a grieving process. Thanks in advance.

    1. We do offer coaching. It’s something you can certainly try. You can also contact your health insurance company to find a qualified therapist in your panel with covert narcissism experience. Ask directly when you speak to them. –Dr. K

  141. This is my husband because when you open the dictionary and look up covert narcissist his pictures there. And after 30 years of extreme emotional abuse and him being clinically diagnosed with NPD I am filing for divorce this week because if I don’t I will end up taking my own life I am broken and beaten down I need help I’ve been in therapy two days a week but if you don’t understand covert narcissism nobody can help you except somebody who does please help me

  142. Although not married to one I just couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong with my ex. It was subtle. He was the charismatic, friendly social guy publicly which attracted me to him in the first place. The beginning was romantic dates, cooking for me and pulling out all the ropes then he would go quiet and I wouldn’t hear from him as much at times. Then progressed onto the silent treatment after a year and withdrawing affection whenever I would call him out on communication or being absent emotionally. I started to realise he was punishing me. One time he ignored me for three weeks and denied it, saying nothing was wrong. As I wanted to keep the relationship I let it go as I didn’t want to go through the same drama. It got to the point where I began to try and make it up to him for offences I didn’t know I did. Yet he did the ‘nicest’ of things for me especially in front of my and his family. This made it difficult to let go. The last straw was when I didn’t really hear from him over the course of about 2-3 weeks for no reason I would call and message and he kept saying everything is okay and he will get back to me and never did. I felt like I was losing my self from the gas lighting. I prayed and just went no contact out of instinct. I feel so free and glad I found the strength to do so. I don’t need closure I create my own I have peace and no longer feel on edge. It was difficult because I cared for him but realised the emotional manipulation was getting worse and started to feel like a deliberate way to control me. Over two years we were on and off I started to recognise some of the signs but wouldn’t picture him as a narcissist because of the good deeds and love bombing but if I ever missed his call or didn’t get back to him in a timely manner I certainly paid for it. That’s when I realised something in the water wasn’t right and I’m so thankful I can heal and move on before it got worse. Ironic thing is he wanted to be a therapist I’m not sure if that was a camouflage or genuine. I hope other people can safely leave any situation that strips away their sense of self. Life is too short to be treated less than. You are great and deserve better don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise.

  143. Im literally just putting the pieces together. Been with my husband for five years too and I've always felt inadequate and crazy. The manipulation, the gaslighting, and not to mentioned how he controls the narrative of people sees me. Im the bad behaving wife not that I'm reactive. Is divorce the best answer? Are the able to become self-aware?

    1. That’s a larger conversation with a skilled therapist. You need to talk very specifically with someone who can get to know you well. -Dr. K

  144. This is insanely accurate, I am the wife of a covert narcissist and I just started putting the clues together after 5 years. I can't believe how true this article is….I'm baffled.

  145. My mother is an overt narcissistic. Just realized it after 1 year of marriage, then I asked myself how lucky I am to find a good husband, not a narcissistic one. But then this "good husband" is never happy with anything, especially his job. The fun and loving husband with a cheerful laugh is disappeared. This situation became worse when he had a massive problem with his job and he got depression, then his traits were uncovered, leaving me in a great shock.
    I am not perfect, especially having a narcissistic mother; I quickly get into rage and anger. But even after I did my best to be an "angel"(just like you wrote in this article), he always suspected me, always had negative thoughts about me, and accuses me to think about things that I swear I did not have thought like that.

    Now I'm trapped. 10 years of marriage, but I feel so lonely that sometimes I miss my younger version.
    I can't divorce him, since he had not done anything obvious. He doesn't cheat on me, he still works for our family, and he doesn't do drugs or alcohol.

    I'm confused and think maybe it's after all my own mistake. Maybe it's just my imagination. However, after I read your article, it is so similar to my husband's traits.

    Everyone has their own challenge, maybe it's mine: having narcissistic ones in my life.

    1. It certainly sounds like it is a “normalized” relationship you grew up with. However, it is not. Try finding some help to become more regulated with your rage and anger. This won’t serve you, regardless of who you are with. You can also benefit from this type of help, based upon the things you are describing. My best to you. Dr. K

  146. I have no money yet in the necessity of divorce after thirty years since the age of 17 years old. I feel completely lost insecure embarrassed humiliated throughout not just by him but by his entire family who never accepted me and I never knew why till now. Remarks like he’s to good for you, if this was my home I’d kick you out immediately, party reunions I’d be sorry mostly alone in a far away table.

    He never wanted to change his hours from 3:30 till 12:30pm I worked very hard to dress myself and dress my children and there needs throughout first a boy and a girl ten years after a girl now recently with out no live ever received they where emotionally hurt deep and in shock but now they understood my loneliness and all the true reasons to all the abuse received and neglect along with physical I list 2 children in the process and he gave me an std along with leaving me all alone with nobody to believe me nor help me I lost my job 2011 by a serious accident in which i used all of my settlement money in replacing furniture and appliances that he sold out saying he needed the money to pay the mortgage. I learned that he had an open relationship through out the time at work along with 10 more woman that included my mother from her early 46yrs old and this went on behind my back on his days off or in the mornings before he left to work while I was at work. I cought her many times leaving from my home in a hurry as I have no time to speak. I had many other reasons to suspect but I also come from a very manipulative mother whom has always made me look as the very bad one in the entire family and nothing she ever has said about me is true at 6 hrs old she’d punch me in my vagina among other things and false accusations to shut me up from speaking and telling my father which is how I would threatens her to stop. As I grew older she protected herself by always inventing something new to make me angry and then say you see she is so violent. Well when she saw my friend at the time she went for it and never stopped. I wasn’t ever acknowledged and much to afraid to speak about the strange actions they where both taking.
    I’m sorry but I truly have nobody and my two girls are already hurt enough and my sone very angry and disoriented. I am gods child and I feel even he has abandoned me

    1. Call a mental health clinic in your area, Maricela and get the help of a trained therapist to discuss your life. You need to have some support. You deserve to be able to have a kind, listening ear to help you to manage your life. –Dr. K

  147. My life is a living hell. 27 years now.

    I tried to leave 15 years ago and it was torture. He stalked and harassed me so badly, and did not help at all financially with our children to the point of my starvation practically, and I finally caved and went back because our children were suffering tremendously and he plain did not care how much they were hurting.

    He now has installed malware and surveillance on all my devices, vehicles, throughout my home and abruptly took all my bank accounts away three years ago without any warning.

    It is supposedly illegal however the police dept didn’t do a damn thing because he is a retired marine officer.

    I just live each day as it comes and hope I make it through it at this point. I am unable to call or text any therapist. He posted my private diaries online. I wish I knew why these people are so vicious, hateful and just plain cruel to those who love them.

  148. Oh. My. Goodness! Finally, in words what I have been living with for the past 28 years. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for putting into words what I never could! You can't believe the relief I feel at this very moment. I'm in the process of divorcing him, I'm afraid it's going to be an ugly ordeal, but now there is a name and I'm not just plain crazy. Did I say thank you? THANK YOU!

  149. Thank you so much for posting this! I've never found an article that encompassed my husband's behavior quite so completely. I recognized everything in this article down to a T. After 7 years of being emotionally tortured and fearful, I finally left him. He's since followed me close to where I relocated in the guise of loving the area where I chose to live. He continues to torture me mentally and has told me that if I try to divorce him, he will ruin me financially because "he has no choice."

    I left after recovering from a suicide attempt, where I ended up on life support for several days. It was unclear whether or not I would survive, but thankfully, I was gifted with a second chance at life. After I got my strength back, I left. His continuous abuse nearly destroyed me. I've developed several health problems as a result of his treatment towards me, but I am slowly gaining my life back.

    I am so grateful that articles like this exist. Sometimes it's difficult to distinguish what's happening when you're in a relationship with someone like this. I'm finally starting to realize that I'm not the one to blame for the abuse he heaped upon me.

  150. Everything I just read is exactly my experience with my partner, he's however reached a physical level of abuse towards me. And I'm between leaving him or trying to get him to see he needs help but the only way I know how to do that is by verbally expressing communicating it to him it never goes well

  151. Yep. Nailed it! Going on eighteen years for me. Best decision I ever made was not to have kids. Now I just have to figure out how to afford leaving his narc ass.

    Also have to add, he HATES it when I have fun. Whether it be a concert we go to together ( I like to dance and talk with strangers) or just doing something fun around the house that doesn’t include him, he will find a way to reign me in, leash me, and squash my joy. There will be no fun had while he’s around! Later he will accuse me of behaving inappropriately, or something else to make me feel " wrong". He’s allowed to have fun, though, and often attends old college reunions without me so he can do a variety of drugs and behave like a teenager.

  152. The last portion hits the nail on the head of how I feel daily. Unfortunately we have a 4.5 year old daughter, and though I love him I also desperately want to leave him because I am tired of feeling this way. However, I will not leave her alone to be manipulated by him. I truly believe he does not do it on purpose. But after three years of asking him to seek out individual counseling he will not. I don't see any way out of this personal hell. When I call him out on his manipulations he says I am the one being 'abusive'. I am not perfect, I have many habits that I picked up from my parent's unhealthy relationship but I have done individual counseling for many years and worked very hard on myself, unlike him. He believes that because his parents had a 'perfect' relationship nothing is wrong with him.

  153. Oh my gosh you just described my marriage . Will be 40 years together this month but I'm making plans to get out .Very toxic relationship has caused a lot of anxiety and I'm not sure if I'll ever trust anyone again, cause I don't now.Great article.

  154. Holy … wow… like so many comments below, THIS is the best article on covert narcissism EVER. T … I relate. I am now swimming in confirmation that I have needed for so long, as I prepare to go into divorce court to seek the justice i deserve. He set out to destroy me…. leaving me destitute. All while my mothers abuse was coming up for me and as i was being diagnosed with cptsd, his mask came off…. and he then stole from me, used the courts to destroy me, separate me from my money and belongings while discovering his affairs and secret bank account. Ten years before my mother took my home from me. Because I offered her to share my property … once she had 52% she forced the sale and left me homeless. Around this time when my the mask dropped from my ex, as I was vilnerable, my golden child brother started to break down too… he then committed suicide. Only to find out, as she weirdly blurted out , SHE encouraged him…. and in the meanwhile had us all confused as to why she wanted his will so bad…. later to find out, she convinced him to relinquish his will to her as well…. yes, T… I am sick to my stomach too

  155. Good gravy. Having known my husband’s morher far too well, I can now at least articulate the damage she inflicted on her whole family, especially her sons.

    But I have to ask – whether it’s simple self-doubt or decades of gaslighting at work- if he is a covert narcissist, what the holy-molies does that make me????

    Gah. I hate this.

  156. I read this article & felt like I needed to throw up. This is so accurate, I don’t even know what to do with the information. I suppose I’ll just continue processing for now…it’s been 24 years & 5 children; an entirely lose/lose situation it seems.

  157. This is exactly my story. Thank you for making me feel validated. I am trying to leave, working through some obstacles. Twenty-five years of marriage. I could never understand his behavior, but because he is publicly quiet and ‘nice’ the word narcissist didn’t come to mind. It was only when I reached my END, my ultimate feeling of ‘finished’ that I researched how a human being can have NO empathy, remorse, and certainly no apologies for their behavior. The word NARCISSIST was in every Google reference. I knew his behavior was covert and abusive. Now I realize he is a covert narcissist and every article about narcissistic abuse speaks to my story. This one, however, tells it most completely—and I feel heard. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  158. Haha, this described my ex to the t. We co parent now. His family, including my own mother are making me put to be the bad guy for leaving him. I'm so confused as to why none of them would believe my claims that he was abusive emotionally. They would say " well I've never seen him act that way in person" and even called me crazy and then coddled him afterwards. That was more damaging to me then enduring that relationship. When I would tell my mom the stuff he was saying and doing she would say "well did you ever dress nice for him" or "well I really like him" or " all men are like that, relationships just arnt for you and you've always been hard to get along with" excuse me! How is having boundaries and opinions making me hard to get along with?! I hate coparenring our 2yo with him. If I remind him to do something he's forgotten he will roll his eyes no matter how sweetly I say it. And I always be mindful to say it sweetly so he doesn't feel attacked cuz I know his ego is fragile and it still doesn't work. I still get the eye rolls. If I ask for a favor which is rare and typically very small he will say ya,…I guess.

  159. This article blew my.mind. thank you thank you for this. Reading it was like reading about my life . It has been 20 years of slow burning hell… and I did everything I could to change myself and calibrate to the situation. 20 years and 3 kids later, when you get called jealous, possessive, needy, with zero listening skills, and any attempt at conversation is met with rage or withdrawal, suicide threats in front of the kids, alternating with grand gifts and words…you start doubting yourself so severely that I thought I was going mad and I didn't know who I was anymore. Everything was wrong with me. I must be the problem. Then why isn't he leaving??
    And then my therapist gently suggested a possibility…and me being the hardworking, I furiously researched it. I knew my husband was definitely not a narc the way I had come across it. In fact he hinted I was one and I felt extremely bad about myself. I had zero self worth. And then i found this website and this article. And literally everything fell in place. All the pieces of the puzzle. I literally cried in relief and anger and shame and "how could this happen to me? An assertive confident smart intelligent woman like me?"
    Anyway….I have equipped myself with more knowledge and information and more therapy. I have an exit plan. Thank you so much for this…and all the women who write in to share their experiences. It's highly validating. I am.not crazy.

  160. I have read this article LITERALLY 10 times!!
    Crying the ENTIRE time!! My insides feel like they’re going to explode because I’m shaking so hard!!
    I have been educating myself for about a year.
    I know SOMETHING wasn’t right.. but didn’t know what.. I’ve been SEARCHING for THIS!!
    The nail head was not simply hit here…THIS shit took the entire house down!!
    I’m shook!!!
    Thank you!!

  161. I am exhausted, I am in shock and total disbelief, that I his wife of 20 plus years, 3 children has become so insignificant. He has these blowups, everything wrong in our world , gets blamed on someone else, mostly me, or the fact he is a piece shit. i usually am slaughtered with the most hateful 7 disgraceful words, in front of anyone. He says he has no secrets, and is not messing with anyone else , behaviors, community children say otherwise. he does have a history of no childhood trauma, diagnosis of bipolar, ocd, ptds. He is on some medications does not take them as directed regularly. His hidden interest is men and porn. He has no consideration for my feelings or compassion for what the children and I are going through in this siutation. he rolls his eyes, or screams, or avoids. it has been established that one of his playmates is hiv positive. I am so confused and hurt. i do not want this , he was suppose to keep his vows, as i have mine, happily. Is there any chance of coming out of this, seems I have two choices continue to be insignificant, and be ok with him showing interest elsewhere while I am tossed to the curb or leave. I dont want either , what I want doesnt matter.

    1. You’ve answered your own question as I read this comment. Now is the time to get a private therapist and answer it publicly for yourself…Dr. K

  162. Wow I so wish I read this article during my divorce from my covert narc ex husband. This article is so insanely on point down to the way it felt when doors were closed and he was no longer seeking everyone’s admiration. The key to remember is that there are people in our lives that see. It seems like they are few but cling to those people because once you’re out of the abuse, it is the most freeing feeling in the world.

  163. My husband has been threatening to divorce me for the last 4 years. Usually when I confront him about his hurtful behavior. The cycle goes. He does something insensitive that wounds me. I talk to him about it hoping for an apology, he doesn't apologize and gets defensive. He accused me of being overly demanding and labeling him an abuser. He says he will never be good enough for me, so we may as well get divorced. However, I have recently discovered that he never takes it further than that. He has completely ignored me and has been sleeping on the couch for the last 5 months but has not made any attempt to either reconcile, or seek out a divorce. My counselor told me that I have been a victim of narcissistic abuse for the last 20 years of our marriage, but all the books that she told me to read on narcissism didn't seem to completely fit him. After reading some of it, I even worried that maybe I was the one that was really the narcissist and not him, but my counselor assured me that was not the case. Then I read this blog, and this fits my relationship with my husband exactly. Even down to the part where he moved himself to the couch, but won't actually initiate a divorce. He read my journal where I poured out my hurt from all the things my husband has done to me, and instead of feeling sorry or apologizing, he can't forgive me because I was so upset that I wrote my pain down in my journal. Then he found a counselor that sided with him and told me that I shouldn't write things down, because they can be seen and cause someone pain. My counselor paints a hopeless picture. She says that Narcissists will never change. She has been helping me to learn how to set boundaries and not take on unearned guilt, but as far as a loving relationship with my husband, that it will never happen, because he is incapable. Is this true? Is it hopeless? I am a Christian, and I take my marriage vows seriously. If my husband is waiting for me to initiate a divorce, it will not happen, but even after 20 years of feeling like nothing more than an object for my husband's pleasure, I still was holding on to the hope that someday he will love me. It is hard to let go of that hope. Should I let go? Is there help for a covert narcissist?

    1. “Should I let go? Is there help for a covert narcissist?” It’s the question so many of us want to ask when we’ve grown tired of the abuse. The simplest answer is who’s problem is it?

      In your description, it sounds like your problem, not his. So if you are willing to accept the situation as it is, it will continue. He doesn’t seem to be too upset by the arrangement.

      You don’t HAVE a marriage. That’s the great deception. You took vows that you took seriously, but if you were the only one, it wasn’t a marriage it was an “arrangement.” Dr. K

  164. This article is written as if they were looking through the window at my marriage. I’m 48 my narcissistic husband is 28 and I just put everything together. We just begun the divorce process. The only question I left with is there any way to help him. All the videos I’ve watched online seems so venomous are there no good outcomes?

    1. If he wants it, he will seek it out. If you are the only one invested, give it up. It’s his issue and he has to manage it, not you. Dr. K

  165. This sounds like my life of 14 years in may 2022. I thought I was crazy – but my two kids keep me going as I can’t imagine how they would cope with a split home.

  166. Wow, this has absolutely nailed my marriage to my still deeply loved but at times cruel Australian husband of almost 36 years, in every single detail – literally as if God had just downloaded virtually our entire marital history into your understanding.

    You obviously have long experience, exceptionally astute, well – articulated – articulated insight, and (most importantly) a compassionate heart.

    Thank you again for your exceptional insight. Reading this post from you has been truly helpful.

    God bless you and your ministry.

  167. I truly believe my husband is a covert narcissist. I’m so unhappy and have been for a while. I feel trapped in this marriage. We have 3 kids together, daughter is about to be 12, 2 sons one 9 and the other 7. They love their dad but they also see what a terror he can be especially towards me, but also with them at times. I’m not perfect I have had my own issues, and some of it stems from things I’ve endured with him. 2 years ago I was so depressed and suffered from addiction issue and tried to take my own life. He found me and “saved my life”, I went to treatment for my addiction, but it was devastating to hear him say “ Something told me to go home and check on you and I found you barely alive, and thought to myself it wouldn’t be murder if I just leave you there.” Then to only find out 9 months later that he’d been speaking with another woman prior to that suicide attempt and continued the entire 3 months I was in Treatment and continued after I got out of treatment until I found out about it . Of course he denies any affair but even his mother knew about it and lied to me on his behalf. Then of course his rationale was it’s my fault bc I was not having sex with him or talking to him except about the kids. And how could I have any to say bc I had lied continuously about by drug problem. Anything he’s confronted on is always explained away as being my fault.”.you did this, so you’re the reason I’ve done this.” I’m continuously called “crackhead” and *see you next Tuesday* by him. Situation today his mom had hurt her back and the job I have now is not full time, he texts and asks what time I’ll be off of work and I told him, he asked if I could take her to the ER. I did. But close to the end of the ER visit I texted him regarding his mom and how she basically wasted our time bc she in admission described pain of 12/10, but the dr said you need to follow up with your primary to see about your back and surgery, tell me what you know helps with your pain (she’s had previous back surgery and compression fractures), and she said I’ll just take my ibuprofen 600, which is what she had at home and had taken prior to going to ER, yet you describe pain is 12/10…I just felt frustrated with why the urgency to go to ER if you weren’t going to get any relief from said pain; any way so he says he’ll talk to her, then I guess he communicated with his sister, she starts calling and texting the mom, and I have to endure an hour car ride home getting fussed at about the sister knowing and why I would say she refused pain relief and what was the point in the trip etc. so I get home and tell him look don’t put me in that situation again, that if he’d taken her he wouldn’t have contacted his sister until he was away from his mom (which is what has happened prior) bc he knows how his sister starts in on everything and never hear the end of it from the mom, to which he gets in my face and yells “don’t take my mom to the Dr again,” I said “I won’t why didn’t you take off and take her”, and he replies “I actually have a respectable job that needs me there unlike you, just keep smoking crack you c***t” I’ve just finally taken all I can take. I feel trapped financially and for my kids, however I truly feel like if I don’t get out soon it’s going to kill me and cause even more damage to my kids. If I attempt divorce he’ll just shame me more in public regarding my past problems and I don’t want to lose my kids, I’m terrified of him raising them solely bc of his anger and meanness. I’m sober and have been but I fear my past will be used against me and custody of my kids, and I can’t financially at this point support myself and kids alone. I’m just venting and needing some sort of feedback on my situation. He’s just got everyone convinced I’m so bad and he’s just the greatest. He is a master at gaslighting me, to where I question my own sanity. I’m just needing out but terrified that I’m not going to have my kids.

  168. My husband unexpectedly died almost 2 years ago. He was the poster boy for covert narcissist. I wanted to leave, but he would never have allowed me to leave. I never wished his death, but honestly his death probably saved my life. I truly believe we would have been a murder/suicide if I ever tried to leave him. He made it very clear that he would never let me go and that no one else would ever “love me the way he does”. He hated me, he loved me, he constantly accused of me cheating but then would tell me how wonderful I was. I felt like I lived in a house of eggshells. I have grieved his death, been angry that I will never be able to confront him, have felt guilty for not grieving long enough and still have problems with letting go of my anger and also my sadness. I feel as if he is still controlling me despite him being dead for almost 2 years. The effects of his gaslighting and control for over a decade is very damaging.

  169. Between Olivia and Mercedes that is my life identical. The only difference is my little boy is a beautiful auburn Mastiff and my only true companion.

  170. I think I was in my cupboard narcissist relationships a bit of chaos a little later in the week would blame things on me when they went wrong and because I got sick of waiting for him to change he also blames our break up on him not the fact that he was drinking and would not change for me does this sound like a kovid narcissist 🤔

    1. It sounds like a troubled marriage, and someone who couldn’t take responsibility for his action. That could be true of many types of people.

  171. I feel my husband is a covert narcissist. We have been married 32 years, very troubled marriage. Things are getting worse and I need help. Not sure where to turn but thought I would check here.

  172. My hysband is cuffently giving me the silent treatment…3 days now, and sleeping in a separate room from me. I cook, clean, do his laundry, make him cocoa and brownies…make 4x thevsalary he does, but I'm a piece of shit. He curses me at times, and picks fights so he has an excuse to leave at night. He is taking my life away from me…and he s so possessive that I can't breathe!!
    HELP!

  173. This article resonates with me. I left an 11 1/2 yr marriage last summer because of the emotionally abusive treatment from a covert passive aggressive narcissist husband. I spent the biggest part of those years trying to figure out the relationship or lack of. I thought dementia was involved until I began to read about covert passive aggressive narcissistic behavior. BINGO!! It all made sense then. Well, at least as much sense as that demonic personality type can make. The divorce is not final yet but the smear campaign is daunting. It finally became apparent that it was essential to my well being to leave the toxic situation no matter what. Praying for strength for others hurting due to those same issues! The wake of the aftermath is most challenging but your well-being is so worth it!

  174. I’ve known for a while that my husband was a covert narc. we’ve been together for almost 13 years and only recently were married because we had a child. I know that I also have narcissistic traits but I acknowledge them and strive to combat them, but he is very comfortable with the way things are. I want so badly to divorce and move on, but I’ve made the decision to stay for my child (I know it’s not recommended, but I can’t let him or his family have the influence that they would if I wasn’t around). It’s sucks because I want more kids, but it wouldn’t be fair to them to subject them to this behavior. My dad’s a narc and it’s very damaging. I don’t know what kind of person I’d be if my mom didn’t stick around for my and my siblings sake.

  175. I was with my ex for 9years. He left me 2 years ago, and I’m still a wreck. I truly believe he was / is a narcissist. I sure could use some help healing.

  176. I would love to pursue a discussion with you about covert narcissism. I think I am married to one and I think staying married is killing me.

  177. My ex- Wife thinks am a Narcissist but I don’t think so , how can one sure? What test I need to do this I live in country where they don’t believe in going to therapist not even if you drink too much

    She is afraid our kid can copy my personality disorder if I can control myself around her
    She says am
    Posesive aggressive passive and manipulative because I refuse to let her move on, I can’t underwear how someone can leave me. Behind
    Insisting she takes me back for over 5 years.
    But she just kills at me and we get into argued

    What shall we do the kids in in middle

    She says she wants help with our kid and that all. Should we. Stay separate or is there any hope in regaining trust?

    1. You say that your wife has divorced you. She has already spoken. She no longer wants to be in an intimate relationship with you. You can seek out family therapy for divorced couples to be sure you are on the same page regarding your children. This is not “couples therapy.” It’s parent guidance. Focus on working effectively together for the sake of the children and ignore your own efforts to re-unite. Listen to her when she says she no longer wants to stay married.

  178. Try 40 years of feeling worthless! The only time my husband seemed pleased was when I was earning money. He is everything you wrote about. I'm pretty sure my mother is a CN I am the scapegoat in both families, his family are all CN except his Grandiose deceased father who they all still worship even in death. They are all so evil nice it took me 39 years to figure out this screwed up family. I would describe my husband as a male chovenest on top of CN I am literally nothing more than a servant and narc supply. But I'm a fighter even before I knew what I was fighting! I buy what I want and choose what I want to do now that he is retired he can go pout I don't care because I look at it this way, IV done my time I'm not moving out and get very little to be able to live on since I was the caregiver not a career person. Reflecting back I should have left while still young but that's life. Stay strong out there.

  179. I asked for a divorce just before Christmas and I am now realizing I married a covert narcissist. My big concern is the fact that my 11 year old daughter is being groomed by my in laws. I am concerned because I am seeing her exhibit many narcissistic traits. I want to do everything I can to make sure she doesn’t end up as a narcissist.

    1. Hi Kristy,
      Realize that you do have a counter-influence, and can teach healthy values to your daughter as well. At 11 years old, she has and is picking up many values from the culture and friends around her, as well has her family. Take every teaching moment to teach principles you believe are adaptive with a good self- and other- balance. It’s all any of us can do, honestly. –Dr. K

  180. Dear Olivia, I hope you see this. I am writing you because I know exactly what you are going through. Only it took me 40 years!!! I agree with Dr. K. There are alot of us going through this, however, only someone who is going through it, often unfortunately, will be able to really understand. You do need support. I belong to a group called Flying Free Sisterhood. You can google this and get a free subscription where you will get an email every week that includes a podcast from Natalie Hoffman. She wrote a book called "Is it me; Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage", and I read this book for the first time many months ago, but just got into the program which you can sign up for for $29.00 a month. The program has helped me sooo much. I have met and call other women who are going through the same thing and it's a life line. There is also a lady in this group offering free counseling so she can get her hours to get qualified to get her Life Coaching Certificate with the International Coaching Association. To be honest I know now that this is my calling as well. I did get my masters degree years ago and still working on those 2500 hours to get licensed here is California and now I totally believe I want to help others!!.

    Yep my life has been good, bad and ugly ( which means complicated, depressing and crazy) and just ridiculous to put it nicely. And just like you it's this exact type of Narcissism. I just found this article yesterday, just before bed and didn't sleep much last night because of it…. I've met a lot of women in our situation, but this type seems to be lesser known or heard of or understood and much harder to explain. It is the most deceptive of all of them I feel. It took me months of research to find this exact article that hits the nail on the head. I would say that the deception in my marriage is off the charts and that gut feeling I had for most of those years off and on, well I didn't get how my body was keeping the score", which is a name of a book by the way and how my 2nd brain was screaming at me and saving "Warning, warning something is very wrong here, as the hair on the back of my head stood up and I felt sucker punched over and over and over!! UGH My empathetic, big heart that wanted so badly to understand and to save my marriage, only got broken to pieces!! Eventually all the confusing moments started to make sense, all those red flags. I get it now and even though it's taken me way too long, and it's very hard to forgive myself and so many people I reached out to who were clueless, and not caring enough to help me in any way, I am finally seeing the light and making my own plans to escape and help others.

    Feel free to reach out to me at doralee1204@gmail.com. Please don't give up, there is hope out there. I know a lady in our group that just escaped with her 3 kids just last week, you can do it too…. Now I need to print this article out because wow it will finally help me explain my messy marriage to my 2 adult daughters etc, when I finally escape. Thank you Dr. K for this excellent article!!!

    I love our program for many other reasons too, such as their "butterfly" stories from 34 women who have gone through similar situations as you and are getting out eventually… even though some have to plan for a very long time. But knowing and going through all this with other women is very helpful and healing. Natalie does everything she can to help other women as she went through a marriage like this for 25 years and had 9 children!!! Her experience is one of the worst I have heard and now she is remarried to a wonderful man and spends so much of her time helping others and making her program affordable.

    You can email me and get in touch if you want to…. not sure they will allow me to share my email on here, but it's doralee1204@gmail.com

  181. I was in a marriage IDENTICAL to what you have described in this article…. IDENTICAL. I often thank God that He let me out of it in 6 months as opposed to 6 years. I did not realize I was in an emotionally mentally abusive relationship until after it was all over. I simply had reached a point where I had questioned my own sanity so many times that it just was not healthy and I filed for divorce. You definitely have described what I have never been able to explain so I'll be sharing this article with many people because I'm so glad that there's somebody in the world that understands. So thank you so much for taking the time to write this!

  182. This is the most accurate description of how my life has been for the past 8 years that I have read to date. I was so confused and felt so messed up for the longest time. When I began to realize what was actually going on it all made sense. This article will help me to describe to friends and family that have never been subjected to this abuse. Thank you for writing this!

  183. Can this be written to be gender neutral or at least admit that the covert narcissist can be the wife and doesn’t have to be the husband?

    I just moved out of my family’s home due to 29 years with a covert narcissist wife. This article nails the description of our marriage.

  184. Is there an article for the CN wife? Is it as easy as replacing he with she in this article? It seems very disproportionately male vs female narcissist but I have a strong inclination that I’ve suffered from narcissistic abuse.

  185. Wow. You just described my husband to a T. This is the first article that really could not have been more clear. He is definitely a covert narcissist. He would never admit any of this. We've been together 13 years and have 3 children together. Most days I am a mess, stressing and worrying about how much I get done or just simply wanting to make sure he is happy when he gets home from work. I cry every single day. To everyone we know he is so great and perfect. And because I've always put him first I have Noone except him and my children. Our children are fully aware how he is and I still try to convince them otherwise. I have no self confidence anymore. I recently read about gas lighting and realized he has been doing that since the very beginning. I can't leave him because I am a stay at home mom and everything he will say is his. I would end up leaving with nothing. He refuses to do therapy and tells me it's nonsense. I think he just could never handle anyone telling him he is wrong. His front is very convincing. How do I convince him to go to therapy? I feel inadequate and extremely frustrated. I cab show him proof and he still lies and denies things. And has convinced other people I am crazy and unappreciative. I can't afford a therapist either. I'm stuck and lost and completely stressed and miserable but yet still feel I am in love with him. Any advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated and may save my life honestly. Would showing him this article help at all? I feel he would just flip it and tell me that's what I do. Like usual. But his truth is never what the the reality is. He is delusional.

    1. Hi Olivia,

      You understand your bind better than anyone, I suspect. And you’ve convinced yourself that it is an impossible bind that you can’t do anything about. The issue isn’t your husband. He appears quite content with the way things are, as he’s doing just what he wants to do and you are the one paying the price.

      You don’t need marriage counseling, and it’s seldom effective with covert narcissistic disordered spouses anyway.

      What you need is what you’ve eliminated from consideration: Someone who will help you to believe in yourself and to take a real close look at the bind you’ve created for yourself. If that’s not a paid therapist, maybe it is a person who works in the ministry, or a co-counselor who works for no or little money. Maybe it’s a neighbor or your sister or Mom.

      But your first step is to believe yourself enough and believe IN yourself enough to decide that you and the children simply don’t deserve to be abused any longer. Right now, material considerations are placed ahead of your emotional wellbeing. And your three children get a ring-side seat in understanding “your” version of what married life is all about. “Marriage is what causes Mommy to cry every day.”

      By the way, “I can’t leave him/her” is a standard thing spouses who are married to narcissists say. They are brainwashed into believing that they couldn’t possible be effective in the world without the abuser. That’s how brainwashed and gaslit you are. “I must put up with this abuse. I simply have no other choice.”

      That’s powerful magic right there. Until you can get help in figuring how you’ve come to believe that, you are utterly, utterly stuck. YOU ARE. You are all locked up, and you are ignoring the key to the lock that is in your pocket.

      No one can help you at this point unless you realize it’s time for a serious, serious change. And the entire process will probably really suck for you. Suck for your kids. And only years and maybe decades later will you look back and say to yourself: “That was the best decision I ever made.”

      Today? Tomorrow however? It will be hell.

      Sorry I can’t offer you a magic bullet. But check your pockets. You might find the key and decide to unlock the bind yourself.

      My best to you,

      Dr. K

  186. You have very accurately described my overt narcissistic husband. I carry this secret around in silence in order to protect his “nice and perfect guy” reputation, and my fear of being blamed for being the one with the problem. I am completely broken because I don’t have one soul that I can share this secret with.

    1. Congrats, Debi. You’ve said it out loud. Now go tell someone else. He’s not perfect and he’s not very nice. And he doesn’t need your blood, sweat, and tears to keep him safe. Try telling him and you’ll see just how quickly he’ll kick you to the curb. He’s a pretty strong dude after all! – Dr. K

  187. I feel this describes my husband 90% of the time. He was in the military and I got a different man after deployment.
    He cheats and he lies, but he thinks he is a nice guy, because he doesn't hit me.

    He regrets marrying me or having kids with me, but when I say we will divorce (again, we didn't it once four years ago) he don't want to. Or works relentlessly to gain my love and trust back.

    As a background story: While he was deployed in 2004, I was sexually assaulted. I confessed years later, after many sessions of individual therapy for me to heal and gain the courage.
    I wish I hadn't. As everything he does to me now, ie., cheating, emotional affairs, overall disrespect (getting mad at me for no reason or accusing me of things I don't control) are all things I should be ok with, because I "cheated" on him while he was in the war.
    I can't say: hey you are raising your voice at me, because it ends being an argument, on how I am the worst wife ever, because I went out while he was in the war and that happened to me.

    I feel I am in this continuous cycle of abuse. Then five minutes later he is acting normal and even kissing me goodbye. I feel so lost and out of balance.

    1. He can decide to get help for his trauma, or he can keep traumatizing you.

      You can stay in the situation, or you can decide to stop being traumatized and get distance.

      But you are powerless to change him. Repeat that to yourself over and over.

  188. I would like to know why my husband said:
    The reason he has romantic relationship with other women is because I have deep problem, that he had talked to professionals, that I have zero emotional intelligence, and that it is only an escape for him. He said he'd stop because it is not a big issue for him; he can stop anytime. When confronted by our friends why he did not stop, he goes through the same reasons.
    He said I am a narcissist.
    He said he does not understand why his children (we have 2 sons in college and in high school) would not like him, that he has no problems with them. (It is my older son who asked me not to invite him back home after he moved out; my younger son told me to stop believing his lies.)
    He said the reason our sons do not talk to him is because I control them.
    He said in order not to divorce me (he had filed legal separation but when my attorney asked for discovery, he withdrew the legal separation.), I must to DBT for at least 1 year. Attend a codependency group and find a sponsor for a year. Take and pass a communications course.
    My husband says he would keep an open mind about me, if I can change, but he doubts I can.

    1. You describe a very abusive relationship, Monica. I hope you are able to get both comfort and clarity with the help of a good therapist.

      Sounds like you’ve been gaslit for some time. Thanks for sharing your story. –Dr. K

  189. WOW! This is how I feel about my husband!! 17 years together and I am at a loss. I am afraid to leave as I cannot protect and provide for my child. How do you protect your child and their well being in divorce? He is neglectful as a parent. The in-laws are as well. The other woman in our marriage is his mother. She behaves the same, often neglecting and ignoring my child/me unless she stands to benefit from public praise. She worships my husband, but treats her other son much the same as she treats me, my child. She is two faced and often cold indifferent towards us in private. In public or the company of her husband, she's loving, considerate and kind. Give my husband an audience and he is husband of the year. Within in the walls of our home, every word to the "t" below and more. How do you protect your young child in a divorce from Jekyll & Hyde? Or is that why these marriages end after several decades because the only way to protect your child is to stay? Doesn't that teach them codependency?

    1. You ask good questions that need personalized answers. Seek out the counsel of a wise therapist to explore your own unique and relevant answers. This isn’t a “one size fits all.” They are powerful questions.

  190. This is my soon to be ex-husband and I've yet to find an article so superbly written to sum up the entirety of my experience. Only I fought so hard for my marriage that I drove him to initiate divorce, it's been hell and it's not over but I put my faith in God and He's seeing my through this nightmare. Thank you for this article. It's so validating.

  191. This is my husband. No other article I’ve read every time I tried to make sense of his behavior has described him to a T. My family does not like him and he hates that because he knows that they now know who he is. Every time I’m with my family, he thinks we’re talking about him and thinks they’re “brainwashing” me to hate him. He took me to my mom’s to pick up our kids. He waited outside while I visited. I come out and get the baby in the car. I comment in what I thought was a calm voice but was still sarcasm none the less. I said “thanks for helping me put the baby in the car” It was cold outside and my tooth was in pain and I was upset he didn’t get out to help. He asks “why did you say that? because shit stain let you go in front of him” (talking about the pizza delivery guy that let me and the baby walk through the driveway first. I guess since this pants were sagging my husband’s hateful nickname of choice was shit stain) then tells me the reason I made the comment about him was because me and my family were inside talking about him the whole time and he doesn’t know why I’m there to begin with because of how they’ve treated me. Goes on to scream “f your family” twice in front of the kids in the car. We get home and he’s still going about how much he hates my family and they’re the reason why I came back with an attitude towards him about not being a gentleman. It’s all my family’s fault and mine that I let them brainwash me into being upset at him for not being a gentleman. It all makes no sense. I tell him to please stop talking about my family in front of the kids, he doesn’t listen so I yell. After yelling it’s “why are you yelling in front of the kids why are you so angry at me you weren’t like this before you were there with your parents” as if he didn’t just talk badly about my family in front of the kids but I’m supposed to keep my composure? I’m not allowed to yell. Not only that but when we’re home he takes something away from the baby, baby cries, the oldest comforts his crying baby brother and my husband tells him “oh what are you scared of me are you gonna go to your grandma’s now and run and tell her that you’re scared of me” he’s messing with my kids heads now and apologizes later on all calmly as if he didn’t just treat us all like crap because he hates my family so much. If I try to tell him how everything he did made me feel, he turns it around on me. “You’ve been attacking me all weekend! Telling me everything I don’t do!” Refers to me telling him to please figure out his car that’s been broken and sitting out back for months now. I cannot and I repeat CANNOT tell this man ANYTHING about himself nicely, calmly, angrily. He takes it as an attack or insult any time I try to tell him how something he is or isn’t doing is making me feel. No matter how I approach him. I promise you it never gets brought up how I made him feel “attacked” about anything until I confront him about something he’s done. Instead of him just apologizing and taking responsibility it’s always MY fault he acts the way he does because I’M the one who has been “attacking” him. I’M the one who always shows him I don’t care. I do everything for this man. I’m so tired. I’m gaining weight. My hair has been falling out. I’m exhausted from the kids and hate asking him for help because when I do, everything he’s done for me gets thrown in my face if I ever come at him with any complaint later on. I always go back and forth about what I’ve done and if it was really me who said or did something so wrong that me and the kids deserved to be treated that badly. He’s always had anger problems but if I get angry or react to his hatefulness it’s not ok because then he REALLY gets angry and doesn’t know how to stop. That is until someone accepts his apology and moves on as if it never happened. He doesn’t stop being angry until he gets what he wants. I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells and can never voice my opinion or how I feel. I’m dying inside and have truly lost myself. I no longer feel strong. I feel weak and helpless. I feel ugly. I feel insane. I feel trapped.

  192. Just read this and it made it all OK. I am divorcing my CN husband after 20 years together. Almost there. I had everyone saying, but he’s so lovely. You are so happy. How could you do this? I have just had the most miserable time. Survived cancer and sepsis. Only one that worked. Always thinking I wasn’t doing enough. While he had fun cycling, pretending to work for me. Going on holiday. Drinking coffee. Making our son’s life miserable because he was too like me. But it was my fault. I needed to try harder. Because he just wasn’t happy. And. It. Was. All. My fault. Now we are separated it’s not much easier. As he still has this version of me. Aggressive. Unreasonable. An abusive bully. And he’s so damaged by it. And we have two children and he makes it as hard as possible. Because I am free and he hates that. He wants to control me. Tell me where I can live. When I can see the children. Approve any holiday plans. All the while trying to damage me. my reputation. Stop me moving on. He’s taken the dog. I won’t see him again. The cruelty. And to think I thought I loved him and was happy sometimes. Those times were when he wasn’t picking on me. Ignoring me. Stopping me. I must remind myself it’s over. But the scars are deep.

  193. Wow! I have struggled for 16 years to describe my toxic marriage. This article has helped me understand my husband’s actions and why I’ve felt confused and empty for a long time.

    This has confirmed that I can not and will not let myself or our children continue to be victims of my husband’s covert narcissistic behaviors.

    1. It’s exact depiction of I am going through, this blog helped me to understand what’s going on in my life. I feel so light today, I have been constantly dismissed by my own parents and siblings and I was lead to believe that I am an abnormal person seeing issues in an otherwise perfect gentleman

  194. This is almost carbon copy my life with my husband of 30 years. Except the bit about relationships with our children and the dog. He has built incredible relationships with our 4 children to the exclusion of the mother. And the dog too! He has time to play ball and walk his dog at least twice a day, promising me and others he’ll come back to them regarding vitally important stuff but frequently just doesn’t.

  195. Like I am reading my entire 20 years with my ex husband in one article. After all this time I finally have an explanation to what made me feel so bad about myself. I am not a bad person. I am loving mother, friend and partner. It is still shocking to realise how I let myself been treated this way for so long. I left and became a happy person who found love first within herself and now also with a really sweet man. But I still need to work through the fact I was with someone for so long who only used me as an object for his own egocentric needs.

    1. Me too. I’m still shell shocked that the man who “checked all the boxes” for me turned out to be an abusive asshole. I forgot to add “kind” when looking for a life partner. Oops!

    2. You lucky s-o-b. Im finding this at soon to be 45 and a lifetime of what could habe been happiness, is gone. Ive been drawn to these guys since I was 15 due to an autistic mother.

      But guess what? Life is a school and we are here to learn. Lesson learned. Be happy.

  196. This is the best explanation of my circumstances that I have read relating to a covert narcissist.
    I no longer feel crazy for thinking things were not right. Especially the sexual ‘love bombing’ element as I had never thought of it that way before but it makes total sense now.
    Thank you

      1. This is a really curious diagnosis for me. I’m a father and ex husband to be (separated for almost 8 of last 20 year relationship) I displayed almost all of these characteristics, yet over the last 8 years after couples counseling, therapy and life, all professionals have been almost certain I was married to and continue to live with an overt narcissist. She controls her mother, my daughter, and me, will never apologize even when she realizes her outburst was based on a misunderstanding or miscommunication, she will simply no longer be upset about that topic, so she will change that topic to a different one where she is slowed to be upset and that proves everything is my fault, someone else but ultimately not hers. I’ve noticed that I, my daughter and her mom, all show these characteristics when interacting with her criticisms, that we are emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally inferior to her, are oblivious to true reality and that any opinions we have that differ from hers are a sign of disrespect.

        So my question is, are Covert narcissists commonly those that live with Overt narcissist loved ones? I apologize to those women who’ve commented because it definitely sounds like your needs were never attended to, and that sucks, but I seemed to never give my wife what she truly needed either.
        So how can you tell if you are victim of an overt narcissist and simply surviving the constant attacks with eye rolling, smirks and passive aggressiveness OR a covert narcissist Married to an overt narcissist. Her behavior by all standardized measures show her to display clear overt narcissism with all 3 of us so in my case it seems that part is not in question. Sorry if this can’t be answered without 20 sessions and meeting everyone in the family to get a proper assessment but maybe you can answer the main question succinctly. Either way this is my response to reading the article. I want harmony for my family and currently it’s toxic and it’s incredibly difficult for everyone, including her because we are all seemingly flawed beyond repair and she is deeply dissatisfied by our behaviors with her.

        1. Labels aside, no one on Earth is “always right” or “always wrong,” and only the emotionally immature think so. When a spouse looks down at their partner, we call it “contempt” in Gottman language. It’s the most harmful of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” It only happens in very troubled marriages. So skip the labels and ask yourself (because you are in this conversation and have the best chance of getting something out of it…): “Was my behavior a logical reaction to an impossible situation?” “Were there other things I might have done but chosen this path? Why?” Passive-aggressive behavior can be learned, but it is also a worldview. Pay particular attention to your tendency to continue these destructive behaviors in new relationships, and if you do see it, get individual help.

  197. Why does this whole article assume that the covert narcissist is the husband/ father and perhaps not the wife/ mother? Surely there is good info here but it makes the reading tedious as you try to decipher the scenarios in your head.

  198. Oh dear…. I have wasted my entire life. Every single thing you have written I got colder and colder because I was saying yes, Yes, Yes, To every single point you made to their behaviour. Oh dear…
    I am slightly special needs and it takes me forever to see things, so a covert narcissist had a field day with me.
    We only have one life, one shot and one chance. These horrid, horrid people do not bat an eyelid to the destruction they cause and the precious time and lives of people they steal. Once you start to figure them out they panic and start to seduce their next victims, then once lined up disgard you and run skipping and jumping into their next victim’s bed. I would like to live long enough to see the law changed and these destructive, abhorrent people can be put in jail and pay compensation to the lives they have stolen and obliterated.
    I think the author of this accurate piece of information should start a match making agency for us. So we find a loving, kind warm partner. Moreover our lives have already been wasted and why shouldn’t we spend at least a few years with someone that loves us. With such insight, care and depth for letting people like us know before it’s too late and we die unloved and alone at the hands of a covert narcissist you could indeed have a very successful match making agency.
    Anyway thank you for writing this, I can now pick myself up and watch another sunrise without swollen eyes and a shattered heart.
    And if anyone else has read this and has also said yes to all that has been written…. you are worthy of so very much more as I can bet you are also very empathetic. It is not love you feel for them it’s a fear of starting all over again and a crushed inner ability to judge a person correctly, and all that wasted love and time. You can not love them because to love someone they have to be kind, loving and warm. You can not love someone who is cruel, unkind and 100% selfish and self centered.
    MOVE ON EDUCATE YOURSELF AND DO NOT LOOK BACK.
    BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS. YOU WILL BE LOVED AS YOU DESERVE.

    1. Your own comments are as accurate as the description of a covert narcissist. Its a desolate experience and for me 18 years…your right about one’s fear moving forward to. Good luck in your future. X

  199. I wish there was a way I could comment to each and everyone if you. GET OUT of this relationship and do it as quickly as you can. The only thing (once you are out) that you will feel so gravely sad about is not doing it sooner. This “nice guy” I was married to for 15 years has sincerely caused me from what feels like a form of brain damage. I am utterly destroyed and weakened in every aspect of my being. His manipulative tactics caused me to question the very things that make us human beings like trusting your gut, those natural things that occur as a result of something. My brain was programmed to not respond in the same way because of what he did to me. His alcoholism was also so covert that I didn’t even see how bad it was near the end. Once covid hit and I realized I was saying the same thing over and over again everyday… I became more vocal about it and not accepting his responses… that’s when it became volatile and he attacked me.
    I am forever grateful to my state for supporting me in keeping this man away from me and my 3 wonderful children who on the sidelines of what was happening too suffered from his manipulative abuse. He is no longer in our lives to torment and hurt.
    These are seriously sick, deranged, twisted human beings who don’t have the outlook aura of any of these traits. This has further isolated me and my kids from some who can’t believe this happened to us because… “he’s such a nice guy”

    I send all of you suffering from these monsters, a hug of support and the most needed thing you crave someone to tell you genuinely, “you are not crazy!”
    Much love!

    1. Oh how this is a mirror on my own situation….been separated for 3 years now…but we have both custody of our daughter so I will never be totally free from him….

  200. This article was validating for me. It exactly describes my ex husband, our marriage, and his fathering.even down to the length, 30 years and his refusal to leave, and I had to divorce him. For 34 years I thought I was going mad, how could I explain to others why I was so unhappy, after all my husband was so “nice”. Thankyou so much. I am printing this off so I can keep it to refer to when I start to doubt myself and to help explain to my friends and family.

  201. I’m scared by how much this describes my husband and our relationship. The constant “forgetting” to help me, and then griefing me when I remind him. The shutting down emotionally so I can’t talk about issues and have to hold back my thoughts and feelings. The veiled, constant anger. One example that happened just tonight and led me to writing this comment: I had been working around the house on and off all day, while he played video games. I didn’t ask him for much help, and he did help when I did ask, but he makes me feel like any work I do is my “choice” but any work he does is “forced upon him”. He has told me that before about housework by saying, “no one asked you to do (so and so)”. So I was just trying to make the bed and was just finishing up when he was crawling into bed, and he just starts complaining about everything. He said, why did you tell me to come to bed if it wasn’t ready? I told him I was going to finish making the bed around him. He was heavily implying that I hurry up, so I got stressed out and almost fell off the bed onto my head putting a pillowcase on one of the pillows. Instead of immediate concern, he was pissed and said, “well now I’m awake”, meaning that I was now stressing him out and he would be punishing me by staying up all night. He left the room, and I urged him to come back to bed. He came back got into bed. I asked him (in what I thought was a polite and appropriate tone) to pull the sheet straight since he has right there and I have knee problems so I was pulling the sheet straight at the bottom. He started to give me a very frustrated tone and I said something like “what’s with the attitude?” He immediately got pissed off and left the room again, saying “well, I’m really awake now!” I beckoned him back yet again and he then sniffed the pillow that I pulled out of the dryer early to try and get the bed ready. He said it smelled like shit and he couldn’t sleep in the room. He left to sleep on the couch (that still has pee smell from potty training our puppy) to “punish” me. I “fixed” the pillows for him by rearranging them and asked him back to bed yet again. He fell asleep without discussion. I felt like I was going to throw up but couldn’t exactly put my finger on the reason why. Then I started googling lack of communication and ended up on this page after seeing “signs” that matched my experiences. Is this indeed signs of covert narcissism? My head is spinning from these types of encounters with him and it is seriously affecting my memory, judgment, and emotions. Please let me know if this sounds like covert narcissism to you. Thank you.

    1. Sad Girl,
      I’m so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are turning yourself inside out trying to please him, but very little of what you do accomplishes this. It can be crazy-making. Sometimes I think that is the goal though. It seems as if he can keep you focused on what you did “wrong,” (which is probably nothing at that point,) then you may wind up so focused on fixing “it” (which could be a problem he actually created) that you don’t have the energy or the clarity of mind to see what reality may be, or how poorly he is treating you. I can say from experience that if you are able to find a therapist who is knowledgeable about these types of behaviors, they are worth their weight in gold. If you can be selective about finding one, even better. A therapist should not pile more guilt or shame onto you. They should be understanding and supportive. Journaling, either electronically or traditionally, can also help you recognize – and remember – what has happened. If you start journaling, you may be shocked at the incidents you didn’t remember until you saw them again in your journal. There are also some good books, and a handful of good YouTube channels where some psychologists present helpful information. There are also other survivors out there who provide information and ideas as to how to help yourself recognize what is happening and how to move forward. You are not alone, even though you may think you are, you are not alone. Take care of yourself and good luck.

  202. I joke (but it’s not funny) that the more I know my husband, the less I know him. We’ve been married 31 year and I truly love my “nice guy” husband. He blames me for every decision we ever made TOGETHER, saying it was my decision – not ours. I remember a marriage counselor telling me (probably 20 years ago), “he hides behind his niceness.” I say to him, “I just want you to talk to me with the same kindness you do to strangers and acquaintances.” After trying to get him to take vacations for the past 25 years, and him always saying we can’t afford it, but then spending lots of money on all his favorite tech stuff, I finally told him this year I was taking a vacation, and he could either come along and decide to have fun and not complain about it, or I would bring a friend (or go alone). He came with me and we had a good time – he still didn’t start any conversations/ask me questions, and I wonder if the entire week would’ve been silent if I wasn’t such a good conversation starter/question asker. He’s passive aggressive about everything, is an only child, his parents didn’t discipline him, but he was an “easy child” in their words. I have literally been looking up Adults with Asperger’s and other things, trying to figure out what’s going on with him and why he doesn’t go any deeper than he would on an elevator with a stranger or why he only talks about stuff that a roommate would. He wasn’t like this when we dated or for the first couple of years of marriage. But he’s let me know that he’s not cut out to be married and with kids (our kids are grown now). And another thing that’s unusual to me – he can’t name one person he knows that is an inspiration to him. There’s tons more, but I’m just wondering if he fits this category. (I was married for 5 years, before, to an extroverted obvious narcissist – life of the party, charming, everyone loved him – until they saw the warning signs. He was emotionally and verbally abusive.) My sister tells me that I’m very attentive, loving, and welcoming and that it looks to her and her husband that I’ve tried everything to get him to connect and engage. He just doesn’t change and doesn’t want to. And seems to not want to be known or know me, really. And I’m not one to try to change someone anyway. I just don’t understand the personality that doesn’t want to grow in a relationship. And I’m so tired of being expected to read his mind.

    1. It only makes sense when you realize that he lives in a very little world, and change will bring him out of a world where he has a ready villain for all that ails him (you!).

    2. Hi Barby, you have described my situation perfectly! I too arrived here researching the very things you did, including Asperger’s! My husband also tells me he isn’t cut out to be a dad/grandfather, yet he is. The kids learned over the years, as the grands are now, that I am the go-to parent and the one always there to listen to and engage with while hubby hides away in his home office playing video games, watching sports, etc. Basically doing all the ‘fun’ things he wants to do and showing up at dinner time to talk about his fun day in his hideaway while dismissing any other talk around the table. When we first dated and early married life I was very social, lots of friends, on a bowling league, went out dancing, etc. Now, I have no life outside the house and no real friends have survived my marriage. He wouldn’t say don’t go bowling, don’t go out with your friends, no…he would say “oh I thought we were going to watch a movie, or do this or that” or worse, say nothing and then I would come home to a dark house, all lights out, doors locked and him pretending to be asleep, then the exaggerated waking up and “oh, you’re finally home?” then back to pretend sleep as he wasn’t interested in my night. This was followed with days of sulking, quiet treatment. I finally quit going out and stopped bowling. To be clear, he wasn’t this way early on. He would go dancing with me, out with friends, etc. He slowly quit going, used any excuse, until I finally started to go without him. That’s when he (again, slowly) showed resentment that I dared to have a life/fun without him. He rarely makes meaningful eye contact, unless he wants something from me. He does things half-assed and wants constant praise for anything he does to “help me out”. He definitely has anger issues that he has learned to hide/bury deep, but I do worry that one day they will come bursting thru and aimed straight at me. Everyone says he’s a “nice guy” but they don’t live with him. My sister asked, 20 years ago, why is it we both work full time, yet I come home and immediately start dinner, check on kids, do household stuff, etc and he comes homes, brags about his day and hides in his office till dinner is on the table? I jokingly said bc he has zero attachment/interest to anything that doesn’t enhance him and his thoughts at the moment. No I look back and think how right I was, and how stupid I was to not pack up and leave while I was still young and healthy. Now I feel trapped and angry and depressed. My health is failing (cancer) and I’ve been beaten down mentally and emotionally to the point I think why bother to leave now? He however, has seemed to come out of this as such a wonderful, supportive husband who is here for his sick wife, etc….I want to scream! My saving grace is to know that others are out there, just like me, and thank goodness for this article! I hope you find a way to be happy no matter how you move forward. I’m trying to take each day with a semi-positive attitude as I pray to find a way back to my happier days.

  203. This is spot on….I was married to a CN for 41 years. It took me so long to realize I wasn’t the problem, that I wasn’t “too sensitive” and that the silent treatment was a weapon he used on me. The last several years his anger escalated to yelling at me, calling me names, pointing his finger and shaking like he wanted to punch me…all for small things he felt was criticism of him. He couldn’t even remember what he said (so he said) because he “blacked out”. I decided to finally leave as I didn’t want him to “black out” and kill me, and I was just so beat down emotionally and psychologically, I didn’t enjoy life anymore. My advice to anyone that lives with a CN (put downs as jokes, anger at you that you can’t figure out, the silent treatment, etc…) is to leave and don’t look back. They will all claim to get healing really fast but if they wanted to treat you better they would. Mine treated the family dog better, and he kicked them around and punched them, he even shot them in the head when they were old and sick. He said it was merciful. If you go back they will increase the pressure and guilt you for leaving the first time. Just go, save yourself some years of heartache, and trauma. BTW, you’re doing your children NO FAVORS by staying, they are learning bad patterns of behavior and may turn out like him. They won’t necessarily appreciate you being there for them all the years their dad ignored and rejected them. They will feel sorry for him and turn on you. Leave while they are young.

  204. You just described my husband. Like others, I spent years wondering what did I do wrong, how can I be better for him. We married early, I was young and craving to be loved by someone. It’s no wonder how this person knew how to find me, I was the perfect victim.

    I wish I had known, I wish I didn’t have children with him. But I do, and this is my reality. I’m suffering from multiple health issues, I’ve gained 25 pounds and feel weak and drained all the time. This marriage feels like a slow suicide.

    I ended up not pursuing my dreams and being in an unstable, low paid job – he says I’m worthless and insecure and that I don’t do anything for our family. At the same time the society tells you to “count your blessings and be grateful”. I feel so guilty all.the.time.

    After 13 years of this, I recently opened up to 2 friends of mine – all the 13 years poured out of me like a river. It felt as if I was talking about another person, this is how much ingrained in me is the belief that I’m wrong and he’s right.

    I want nothing more than to leave him, but I’m being aware that he will still be a parent to our children and I will still have to deal with his toxic behavior. It makes the decision to leave even harder. Will it worth it? Will my kids be in danger with him, when he slyly shows his resentment? This is my biggest fear. He always finds ways to punish me, and do the exact opposite of what I (dare to) ask, then blaming me for being oversensitive, abusive, judgmental.

    I think he’ll eventually use the kids to do exactly that and I’m scared my kids might get injured from his lack of care and attention. He has shown signs in the past: our 2 year old fell of the stairs while he was supposed to look after her. Instead, he was on his computer. When I took her in my arms after the fall, and while she and I were both in shock and crying, I told him ” how did that happen, you were supposed to look after her”, only to immediately have him lash out at me and accuse me of abusing him once more. My 2 year old baby had just landed at the bottom of the stairs and all he would say is that I was abusing him. I remember I spent the next 24 hours at the hospital, didn’t sleep and just wished my little one was OK (she was, fortunately). But I’m not OK. I’m furious at him. He is a wolf in sheep’s clothing and that makes it even harder to prove at court or to anyone, actually.

    He never takes responsibility and always plays the victim. He uses that to gain my sympathy and have me care for him again. But I don’t want to stay in this marriage anymore. My feelings alternate between feeling sorry that he can’t be genuinely kind and thoughtful, and feeling angry he treats his family this way.

    I wish he would just leave and never come back.

    1. First, I’m so sorry, and I hate to say I’m going through something extremely similar with my husband, who I’ve been starting to slowly see as the CN I know he must be… But I just wanted to say, do you feel like it might be worth it to talk to a lawyer to see if you’d be able to get full custody in your case? If you had hospital records, it might be worth a shot…

      I say this because we have two kids (an infant and a 3 yo) and the older one was in his care when I was working and he was a stay at home dad months before we were expecting our second. And long story short, I knew he’d been neglecting our at the time infant/young toddler because he could never tell me what he ate at all during the day anytime I’d ask (and no new used dishes or anything would be left around but the dirty ones from before that day would stay in the sink, and our child would literally be crying and hungry), his diapers would never be changed, my husband would let our baby just fuss and throw himself around at night until he literally fell asleep in the floor instead of doing a bedtime routine or anything where they wouldn’t sleep until anywhere between midnight and 4 am, he’d never do bath time either unless I stayed up after work to do one, and he’d sit our baby on his lap all day while he played his video games and would just give his phone to our one year old to watch videos on, even though I’d specifically ask him to not give him more than an hour of screen time, if any at all – and this plus a bunch of other stuff that killed me to think about all day everyday at work wondering how my baby was doing was for entire 13 hour workdays I’d be gone for. But I never had any “proof” to show for it to anyone else and still don’t… Otherwise I might be more likely to get the hell out and take them both with me somewhere else, away from my husband… But now I’m the stay at home parent, and I’m trying to make up for all the dreams I sacrificed too by starting my own business every waking second I can spend trying to do so, but I basically feel like a single mom of two kids because he won’t stop ignoring us when he’s not working. He leaves me to do everything and I feel afraid of even approaching him for anything for the exact reasons you mentioned, even verbatim (among other reasons listed in the article and ones I’m sure you probably deal with, too and you said it so well with the slow suicide and feelings of guilt… It’s spot on, and I hate the thought of anyone else going through anything similar whatsoever…). And yet he’s still somehow able to make me feel like I’m the one being abusive to him. Somehow.

      But yeah… I was just curious if the thought had crossed your mind at all, or if you’ve been planning a way out or how things are just going in general…? That last part really got me too, because lately I’ve caught myself actually fantasizing about something horrible happening to him, like being in an accident or anything to keep him from being in our lives and without me having to go through the process of divorce or risking him retaliating against me or my babies. I’ve already had one ex assassinate my character in our small hometown I feel like I can’t even go back to anymore, and Idk if CNs do the same thing but I wouldn’t put it past him…

      And about your daughter, I feel so sorry reading what happened to her and what you had to go through with all of that, and my heart really does go out to you… My husband has done something similar a few times but never anything warranting a hospital visit… I’m so sorry. I hope you both and your other kids are okay and managing to survive, but even if you never see this I’m sending good energy and thoughts your way, and hearing stories like yours and everyone else’s here just fills me with so much rage and grief, but at least we all came here and walked away with more understanding and awareness, and hopefully confidence too, than what we had before. Thank you so much for commenting with your story too, because I haven’t read many here, but keeping what you wrote in mind moving forward will make it easier for me to resist all the gaslighting and blame shifting and everything else he’s been putting me through, and I know I can’t be the only one you’ll have had that effect on just from sharing. Thank you.

  205. Thank you for this article. Like everyone here, I relate to EVERYTHING. I have been with my husband for 24 years (the first two years were great). I started noticing that he would punish me (for god knows what because he could never tell me what was wrong) by withholding love, communication, and sex. He never apologized for anything but I was always the one who would meet him halfway and apologize and vow to work harder. I also found that he lied a lot and, when confronted, somehow turned it around to make it MY fault. I brushed off his childish behavior because I kept telling myself that he is a good person and really loved me, when he did not.

    I used to be a happy, sexy woman but years of emotional and physical neglect, including a constant circle of confusion around any important decision-making or relationship concerns leaving me unsure about what we were even talking about in the first place, has left me completely overweight, overwhelmed, and depleted. I have tried everything that I could think of including talking, screaming, throwing things, hiding in a corner, ignoring problems, begging for answers, leaving, etc. to no avail; he still would not stay on topic and address my concerns and needs without turning it back around to him (as if he was the one with the issue while totally ignoring my needs). I am a very kind, open, honest, fun person but I feel like I don’t even know myself anymore. He actually left me several months ago and he still has some kind of power over me. When I filed separation papers he said that THAT WAS MY DECISION TO MAKE IT LEGAL and he didn’t want that (turning it around like always). I tried asking him why he left and why he doesn’t want anything legally changed and he said that he’s unsure about the future. I really think that because he cannot escape the truth that I tell him and I still confront him on his lies and neglect that I drove him away; I know his secrets and he can’t face them. Although he left, he doesn’t want to let me go just in case his plan (whatever that may be, probably pursuing another woman), doesn’t pan out.

    I am lost without the man that I have spent my life with but I know now, thanks to this article and it reflecting the hell that has been my life for decades, that his niceness is not evidence of his love for me; his nice guy act is just an image that he uses to cover up his insecurities and cruel tricks that he uses to keep me tethered to him.

    Again thank you and please continue to research this disorder. I hope the best for all of you who have been the victim of this type of narc. Get out and get help.

    1. Jerry, you are 100% right, women can be all of these things also. But, this article is speaking to women regarding their husbands. Further, I find it fascinating that you felt it necessary to add the “also find it obvious that someone is angry at a man. Yep…we’re angry and exhausted. ~ Cheers!

  206. This article described my husband as if it was written about him! 10 years of marriege, lots of tears, tearing my self down, depressions, loneliness, humiliation and general despair, I am finally coming to terms with it. I have known for a few years now, what he is, but I am still strugling to accept the fact, that it is all true, that this is to be my destiny and that I stayed for such a long time accepting his abuse (we have been together for 18 years). I have finally announced my wish to separate, in a form of a formal brief 2 days ago and it has been terrible since then. Only anger, and lashing out from his part…blaming, yelling, then silent treatments…Hope to be able to leave this devil’s hole soon…

  207. After hundreds of hours (truly) trying to find an accurate example of my husband’s narcissism this article hit the nail on the head 100%. I am so thankful I found this this article. After 27 yrs of what I thought was the most perfect family and life, things took a sudden and horrific turn. I now look back and see the signs, the slow chipping away of what I thought was a wonder life and family. Through investigation I learned my husband had been cheating and smearing me for many years. I was completely unaware as he was a master at his game. You could knock me over with a feather with what I learned about him and that I would divorce my “perfect” husband. But what haunts me is that in the end he was so dismissive and terrible to his only child, our teenage daughter, who was a daddy’s girl. He ripped her heart out and broke her which is absolutely unforgivable, utterly traumatic and gut wrenching to witness. She is doing well in college now but he rang a bell that can never be un-rung and that will stick with her for the rest of her life. And though she loves him she will never truly trust him again. Divorcing after a long-term marriage with a Covert narcissist is such a shocker to friends and family and is so hard for people to understand. I did not gossip, smear or use the term “narcissist” of my husband to others, but instead only said that I loved my husband very much but apparently he was not happy in our marriage and that I was more surprised than anyone. (Only my immediate family an closest friends knew the full details) I did not want people to hate or sneer at my daughter’s father as that would have been so damaging and embarrassing to her. It was very difficult yet so important that I did not tell everyone the truth and details of my husband’s failings in order to undo my smeared and shattered reputation. Because of this and in time people made their own assessments and I rose to to top. It was incredibly difficult but was so worth it in the end. And my daughter learned from example how to ride out a devastating storm with honor, dignity and elegance.

  208. So, I’m working through this current situation with my husband. He has been texting with a couple worker, saying “it’s platonic” but the texts I saw felt/read a little iffy to me. (He has cheated on me in the past. I could say more but that’s not the point.)

    As for the CN attributes? Does yelling at me because he’s angry count? Or hitting himself because he “never gets anything right”? Or always keeping his head in a book or biking legos rather than playing with the kids “cause he doesn’t know how”, (he’s genuinely tried once or twice but that’s it) even though I’ve tried to show him? Or constantly asking “why I married him” or asking “why I love him?” While saying that I’m neglecting him because our sex life is almost non existent _because_ it’s “not my fault” even though I “never initiate” and I “don’t love him, it seems to be tolerating” him?

    He is so smart. He is not the man I dated. He doesn’t buy me gifts (even if I have expressed an interest), he rarely writes notes anymore. He does give hugs and kisses but that’s about it. Everyone loves him and thinks he’s the best husband and father. I just don’t know anymore. I am emotionally and mentally exhausted from the day to day with him. 8 years and counting but I feel guilty even thinking of leaving cause “I’m the only one who can tolerate him” and “he’s the only one who can tolerate me.” There’s so much I could say on this. . .

    He also struggles with depression but drags his feet on getting help. Well he drags his feet on everything – from chores (mowing the lawn, dishes, etc), to asking me what to make the kids for dinner cause he has no idea what to make.

    I honestly feel like I am his mother sometimes, I’ve even told him I’m not his mother I’m his wife (I forget the context). He laughs wryly and rolls his eyes a lot if I ask him to do something and then gets upset if I do it before he gets it done. He hates himself and looks to me for all of the love and attention he needs to feel better. Can anyone please tell me if I am wrong in thinking he’s a CN (I even had a coworker tell me she feels he’s a narc) or am I just thinking too much? I know every couple has their rough patch. Ours has been quite a long time I feel. . .

    1. I’m in almost the same boat and can’t really see it in my own marriage (I guess I’m too close to it), but I can clearly see some CN features in what you wrote about your marriage.

      My spouse has hit himself out of frustration before (usually in the head), he used to always ask if I was happy with him, our sex life is non-existent (gee, wonder why? lol), and I am constantly emotionally tired on a daily basis to the point that I almost always cry myself to sleep each night.

      If it helps for even a little bit of validation, your experience is eerily close to mine and you’re not crazy about thinking he’s likely a CN. (Now if only I could make *myself* see it so clearly in my marriage…)

    2. The feeling in my gut while reading what you did write (I know there’s tons more where that came from), says your husband is a shining example of a CN. Hope you haven’t forgotten how to trust yourself.

    3. Yes. What you are dealing with is a man who is refusing to take personal responsibility and grow up who acts like a man-child. Having a man-child is EXHAUSTING, sucks the life out of you and drains your soul. The descriptions you are giving are similar to what I was experiencing as well. Until he is willing to take personal responsibility for himself, get help himself for himself and take ownership of himself, you will just continue in the relationship without positive growth and change in the same viscous cycle you are dealing with. Reading the book “Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist” was very enlightening for me. I was able to get the audiobook free from the library so I could listen to it. Lundy Bancroft’s book, “Why Does He Do That?” is another good book. Leslie Vernick has a free relationship test you can take on her website to see if you are dealing with a destructive spouse. https://www.leslievernick.com/pdfs/Relationship-test.pdf

      The Arno Profile was very helpful in figuring out what was going on with ex. There are 4 temperament types but the Arno Profile has a 5th one called Supine. It is astonishing how spot on this is for ex. Unfortunately, he is all the weaknesses and none of the strengths are true for ex (only for control and manipulation purposes). Once I read through this, it was spot on and I started to understand the covert narcissism, manipulation and deception ingrained in the depth of who he is. After 20+ years, there is no hope for change. My question was, how can we be married over 20+ years and he doesn’t know anything about me as a person? It’s truly astonishing. He doesn’t know anything about me because he isn’t invested in me but he’s only invested in himself and what he gets from me or the kids. It truly is mind boggling. For my own health, safety and sanity, I had to separate and eventually divorce him.

      **Inclusion Weaknesses of The Supine: Indirect behavior that expects others to read their mind, high fear of rejection, and harboring anger viewed as “hurt feelings”.
      **Control Weaknesses of The Supine: Aggressive disorders, open dependence, defensive against loss of position, weak willpower, a tendency to feel powerless and at the mercy of others.
      **Affection Weaknesses of The Supine: The inability to initiate love and affection. They require constant reassurance that they are loved, needed and appreciated

      You being confused is a ploy in a relationship with a destructive person to keep you second-guessing yourself and diverted from the core issues. These destructive behaviors from a covert narcissist is also abusive. This is an excellent visual on the systems of abuse.

      I became enlightened to some of this information when I went to my local DV organization and talked with an advocate. I was irritated that a friend even would suggest such a thing but I went anyway so I could say I went. That meeting changed my life and I will be forever grateful to my friend who was insistent that I go. Let’s take the word violence and take it down to its root word violation. Domestic violation is a violation of your right to live in peace and safety in ALL areas of your life. I was not peaceful and I didn’t feel safe. Abuse is so much more than you think and physical violence encapsulates so much more than physically striking someone. The systems of abuse chart I gave you the link for also lists so many other aspects to physical violence.

      *** “I’m the only one who can tolerate him” and “he’s the only one who can tolerate me.”
      This is a common abuse tactic, not healthy, and not true. You are not obligated to stay with someone who denies your personhood while expecting you to parent them and be their personal servant. It’s not healthy to “tolerate” one another.

      Couples counseling is NOT recommended when there is destructive abusive behavior present. Destructive abusive behavior is not a marriage problem but a personal problem that needs to be dealt with within the destructive abusive person themselves with a knowledgeable counselor who can assess him correctly and work with him directly to address the core issues of his destructive abusive behavior, covert narcissism and entitlement.
      https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/
      https://www.co.washington.or.us/CommunityCorrections/VictimServices/Services/upload/12-Reasons-Why-Couples-DV.pdf

      1. Clearly, no therapist should accept a couple into treatment where there is a particular pattern that research describes in detail. However, there are couples who do engage is abusive behavior that both feel remorseful for, and are wanting a way out of. We see this abusive behavior arising only during “flooding” most typically, and not as a part of everyday life. We’ve taken great pains to provide many details in this article. The commenter is right that violence includes much more than physical violence and that is important for all who read this to understand. Thanks for the resources.

      2. I can see you have done a lot of work…wow do we ever grow from this…..I’m interested in seeing where and what your doing and where your going. I’m separated and really finding and loving my life.

    4. sounds like it to me. Im trying to start the separation and he is already playing victim with co-worker. its always so much fun with these guys

    5. Sounds like he has the traits for sure. You sound like you hold down the fort on your own. I’m in a marriage with a CN so this may sound odd but honey, get your ducks in a row, do whatever you need to do and take the kids and go. This isn’t healthy for anyone. He needs way more than you can give! I’m working on it myself. Best of luck.

  209. When reading this I was amazed at how many things that I could identify with! All the books, articles didn’t say all of this (or maybe I didn’t understand.

    My concern now, if I am one now. Somethings that I look at myself and say….hu.mm…I don’t try to interact as much, there has been too many times were things can be used against me. I have a hard time listening to him because I don’t know what to believe, even if he reads an article, he will embellish it, than he gets mad if I ask questions.

    He is super sensitive, very prideful. He doesn’t want anyone to know that I make more than him, and insults his friends where the wife makes more. I so want a normal relationship, just don’t know how. My first husband was very abusive (hitting, yelling, pulled a gun on me)

    It is so hard!

  210. This is my 12 year marriage all over I’ve mentioned splitting up because it’s unfair for both of us to be unhappy and he tells me that I’m breaking up the kids home and wrecking their future, how could I be do selfish…it’s all down to me. I told him we could be amicable and make it work, he told me he’d take everything.

    He had a bad day at work today and boy how we’ve all felt it. I had some news about an illness my mum has today and when I told him he suggested a treatment that’s completely unrealistic for her. When I said she couldn’t have that he turned it all around on him. I’ve been dismissive and rude to him by saying she wouldn’t do it, I’ve hurt his feelings. So now this evening I’ve not been worried about my own mum but about how I’ve offended him and how am I going to walk on eggshells and avoid an argument with the kids around. He’s not a doctor but he knows everything about every subject and is the most intelligent person on earth.

  211. Part of me is laughing inside….probably at myself. I’ve been married 13 years but together 17. I’ve tried all sorts of marriage counseling and tons of prayer. Your article describes my husband to a T. It’s taken me a long time to recognize this is the way he is. I don’t depend on my husband for anything. I’m certain he’s been unfaithful but he covers his tracks well and would be sure it was hidden from everyone. He is a born-again Christian, and who am I to say he isn’t. Life with him is empty. He acts like a model husband in public but my daughter and I see a different side at home. It’s like he’s here, but he’s not here. If he’s mad at me he’ll do little things to punish me. He might put in a small effort to change and he will then think everything’s ok and his effort ends. I left him for 2 months but I came back as God called me back….perhaps not to change him but to change me. I’m no longer afraid to call him out and no longer feel like I need to keep trying to change myself in order for him to love me. I have a long way to go yet. It is hard to keep my eyes on God and not my husband. He’s made some improvements and I’m grateful for those. I think the biggest help has come from other Godly men who are not afraid to confront him. It is a shallow marriage. My family sees the truth and has encouraged me to leave. My faith keeps me here. Lately I cry out to God to release me from this marriage. Our daughter will graduate in 3 years. With these uncertain times in our country staying seems safer.

    1. I get exactly where you are. I have 3 years until my son graduates. I have told my husband how i feel like roommates, etc…. what I want to relay to you is that after finding pornography, I left. Neither my son or my grown, married daughter asked me to “work it out” or were really surprised that I finally left. In the past few years it wasn’t much of a marriage and a bad example for them I suppose. We have been married 28 years. I understand the “in these times” we were always preparing for hard times… may God bless you.

    2. I can identify with you. It’s been 21 years. Last 2 years, I have been standing up for myself and not let him belittle me. He knows that I understand who and what he is. He’s in therapy and recently been prescribed medication for ADD. I’d told him I was finished if he didn’t get help. I’ve emotional separated myself from him and have outside interests with women who are a positive influence. They help remind me of who I really am, and not what my husband projects onto me. I feel lonely with him. Always on his phone. It’s definitely Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I have a separate bedroom where I can have a little peace, away from the up and down lifestyle. I’ll hold on a little while longer to see if counseling helps. I’m 68 and retired. Can I start over? Not with a new relationship but with a new life for myself and to get my sanity back.
      God help us. Thanks for sharing.

    3. Im in the same boat. my kids and I see it. he is a textbook covert, liar and just weird. his mom os identical and he worships her. I mentioned separation and he exploded and threatened to screw me. now he is playing victim with everyone. I feel bad for him and hope God is very loud and clear on what I should do.

      1. On Nov. 1, 2021 I was getting ready to leave my CN husband too. I totally relate to everything that was mentioned in this article. We have been married for 37 years, but living like roommates the whole time since we have a mostly sexless marriage (only 3 or 4 times a year and only when he initiates it. I am not allowed to initiate it.)

        After years of believing that everything was my fault and that I just needed to “try harder” and love him more (I was the queen of trying) I finally gave up. I used to be a happy, optimistic person and I realized last year 2020 that I had lost myself. I didn’t know who I was any more or even what type of thins I liked to do. I have been through depression twice. I could feel myself headed in that direction again after our last child of 3 children was married and I was facing the reality of living with a man who didn’t really love me or want me. So I decided to in-house separate.

        I got a decent paying job after 30 years of not being in the work force and I had been saving up my money so I could move out. We had been in-house separated for 3 months. I was getting ready to call a one-bedroom apartment for myself all the while praying and asking God to speak loudly and clearly to me because I was having difficulty hearing and understanding him because of all of the emotional chaos and trauma in my life and the brain fog that goes with it. (In 2020 I learned he had a porn addiction. My whole world as I knew it . . .or as I thought it was. . .came crumbling down. God had revealed his porn addiction to me in a dream about one week before that, but I didn’t understand the dream until a week later.)

        The very next morning after saying that prayer asking God to speak loudly and clearly to me to let me know whether I should stay or go. . .I broke my ankle as I walked out the door on my way to work. God couldn’t have spoken more clearly or loudly. I had no choice but to stay for at least one more month while my ankle healed. At first, I was angry because I didn’t want to stay. I had finally got the courage to take the first “step” towards leaving him when I broke my ankle. Then God gently reminded me of my prayer to him the night before. So I stayed.

        We are no longer in-house separated. We are trying to work things out. We have a good therapist who understands CN and is a former porn addict. He calls my husband out on his inappropriate behavior towards me and although it makes him angry my husband listens and is trying to implement the changes that our therapist is suggesting. So far so good. But I am cautiously optimistic. He lied to me for many years about many things and I naively believed him. Not any more. I will believe his behavior from now on and not his words. My instincts told me for many years that he was either looking at porn or he was being unfaithful or he was a homosexual and he vehemently denied it and I believed him because he is a minister with a successful ministry. Well, I won’t believe him any more. Those days are over! We have a long way to go.

    4. I wish I could reach out to you directly. I’m a few steps ahead on the path you’re walking. God is good! Learn all you can about loving yourself and detaching. Ask God to send you to the right resources. Continue to call your husband out. Be calm and assertive. Your legitimate concerns will be not be heard if contaminated by anger. Surrender to God not to mistreatment. Love yourself enough to speak up even if it incurs his stonewalling. I have seen MIRACLES, but I first had to be ok with the fact that the marriage might end. We recently renewed our vows.

    5. “Godly men who are not afraid to confront him” . . .those are hard to find. But yes, as Dr. Weiss says, “Men make men.” If another man calls my husband out for his behavior, my husband listens and will take and follow his advice. But I could say the same thing until I was blue in the face and he doesn’t react at all not to my anger, tears, pleading, my calm voice and reasonable conversation . . .nothing.

  212. This article hit home. But the question is, how can I really know that my husband is a narcissist and gaslighting me? Maybe I really am the problem and maybe I am the one manipulating the situation to make it seem like he is the problem. How do you tell the difference?

    1. Read what you wrote. You are questioning yourself and off balance. Tell tale signs you’ve been gaslighted. IMHO, you are the one on this website examining your own behavior. They don’t question their behavior as it always someone else’s fault.

    2. These are exactly the thoughts that have been going through my head lately. Maybe it really is ME who’s the problem. Maybe I am the one manipulating everyone around me to hate him. Maybe he really is just a decent guy who got a hard knock by marrying me.

      1. An Escher drawing, isn’t it? Are you straightforward? Do you gaslight? Do you manipulate him to avoid responsibility? Do you envy others for their achievements and secretly work to demonstrate where they fall short? It’s not a difficult thing to figure out. Look at the criteria and ask yourself “Do I try to change for the better, or am I happy with myself, despite my spouse’s concerns?”

    3. Beth,
      I am not qualified to answer your question. I would like to gently point out that you are self-reflecting and considering whether or not this could be you. Have you heard your husband ask anything like this of himself regarding his behaviors? Do you try to understand his point of view? Does he try to understand yours? Sometimes, rather than questioning myself, I think of what I try to do to understand him and whether or not he puts in effort to understand me. Or, does he blame-shift and deny the problem, which then causes me to question myself. If he is accusational, is what he says about me accurate at the time? Or, is it projection? I used to feel like mine took up residence in my headspace to a point where I questioned many things about myself. With therapy, and hard work, I learned to separate who I really am from who he said I was. Best of luck.

  213. This was such a great and insightful breakdown. It was as if I was reading my marriage on the Internet. I’ve recently discovered this about my husband and often doubt myself but this. This right here confirms it 100%

  214. Dr. K … my husband’s way of being matches your description. Is he aware of his manipulations … are they calculated? When I tell him that he has offended me or neglected our relationship or been overreactive and blaming with the children, he says, “well, I didn’t know” in tones of confusion and innocence. Did he know?

    1. You have just told him. We all make mistakes. The question is: Does he change his behavior once he realizes that he has hurt his family? If not, he knows he’s hearing the same complains again and again and not changing.

  215. This is the best that I have every read that explains my husband .I have suffered in a marriage for 23 years thinking he was bipolar. Now I know he is not this describes him to a T he is a covert narssicist and I’m not crazy thank you so much

  216. HP, you can do it. It will take time and you’ll go back and forth about if you made the right decision, but you’ll feel way better someday.

    I agree, it’s just uncanny how accurate this article is. I came back to it today after the 2nd childcare scheduling “i don’t remember agreeing to that” this week (even though IT’S RIGHT THERE in a text message). I have read the article over and over to remind myself I am not crazy.

  217. My husband is like this. I don’t even know what to say. The look of contempt and hostility, the volatile outbursts where he isn’t swearing “at” me and the gaslighting were initially mind boggling but now I see them for what they are…cruelty and manipulation. The world sees him as so nice and wonderful. No one is all bad or good. Now he is has taken on a less predictable shape since I began divorce proceedings. He always said he hates to lose and refuses to be hung up on or lose face. Now I’m scared. The new tactics make sense but the simmering hostility and attitude makes me know something bad might happen but I’m not quite for sure exactly what that might be. I know I’m worth more than this but to realize my husband never enjoyed “me” the person, that I’m just another thing to supply a certain need at all costs is intensely painful.

    For everyone who has broken free and everyone still trying, i have such tremendous respect for you.

    1. I feel your pain. I’m just realizing my husband has been manipulating me and I believe he is a covert narcissist as these signs fit him and his actions perfectly. He is a master at making me feel non existent and devalued but in public he’s adoring. I could give so many examples. Thank you for the kind words.

    2. I really admire you for leaving! I left two days ago for good after 5 years of abuse, mental torture manipulation gaslighting physical sexual financial abuse, character assassination lies cheating. This guy is evil and a monster! I can’t believe I married him and stayed in this destructive relationship so long. I don’t know how or if I’ll ever recovery from it but I know I won’t go back.

  218. This is my 11yrs of marriage still enduring. The article gave me such peace after reading. My husband also has adhd, he doesn’t move a muscle at home. And when he does even one task, the whole world gets to know how helpful he has been. I almost run the family like am driving a car with one wheel, but at the end of the day when I cry for help while I’m overworked and overburdened with families responsibilities, he makes me feel extremely guilty about my expectations on him. When we track about solving my problems, before I realize, the topic would already be about solving his problems. This article made me feel empowering coz I always struggled to let the thrrspists know what I’m dealing with. There were many therapists who asked me leave him but there was one who commented that “after all this pain he gives you, he is still a good guy.” I really hope I find a good therapist who can help me navigate through this situation.

  219. Is it common for the Covert narcissism to only manifest in the love (attachment) relationship? I feel emotionally isolated because no one else sees the pathology, not even his own family because he is a successful person who is considerate and functions well in relationships that don’t require self-disclosure, reciprocity and accountability.

      1. I love my husband and I’ve done everything I can think of to hold our family together but I’m to the point that everyone it would hurt will get over it but if I don’t get out I will be mentally broken for most likely the rest of shortened life. No I’m not suicidal, and never do that to my 3 daughters while they still need me. But if I’m still this broken once they’re grown, I honestly can’t say it wouldn’t happen. Hes a full blown Covert narcissist and even when he see how his actions prove him to be, it doesn’t change the smugness and refusal of accountability. He literally fights himself to stay a Covert narcissist. He is purposely toxic but when I point that out of course I’m either crazy or telling him what I am in his mind. He’ll use things he’s done and say it was me when he’s stating “examples” his VA psychiatrist has no clue and just confirms his position as victim and helps him believe and blame me for the things he is doing himself

  220. This pretty much domes up my 20 year marriage to my husband. We have 3 children together 16,12, and 8. He recently got into a relationship with a 24 year old. After finding out he’s broken things off with her but reached backed out 3 different times. I’m so broken. I want keep the family together for my kids, but how do I cohabitation with this man? I feel stuck.

    1. I used to feel stuck, too. I was raised in a Christian home that no one should ever divorce and that kids of divorced homes are “at risk” for so many issues that isn’t it better to stay? That was my logic for many years. I was also a stay-at-home-mom and my husband made me feel like I didn’t have choices anyway. I mean, if I left him, where would I go? Who would watch the kids? How would I provide for myself? Wouldn’t they end up screwed up, resentful and in therapy one day due to their parents divorcing? All these things permeated my brain for so long and I felt like my only option was to put on a brave face, suck it up, & maybe one day when my kids move out, maybe I’d leave.

      One day, after learning about all kinds of stuff he was doing (a whole book in itself so I won’t go there), I finally made the decision that staying could not possibly be the only option. I made the decision to divorce & I thought this would devastate my teen kids. When I told them, they immediately started opening up to all the crap they’ve been through! They had just never wanted to open up to me & tell me what they were experiencing because they assumed I’d always defend their dad (& truth be told, I would have at the time). And that’s when I said to myself “I’m harming them more by staying.”

      My ex-husband hated my decision to divorce, but not because he loved me & wanted to keep our marriage, but because he knew his power & control days were over the moment I learned that I had options. The moment he realized that even his good job couldn’t be lorded over me anymore.

      Almost a year later, it’s just me & the kids. My 16-year old son is treating me with more respect than ever before & doesn’t just hide in his room all day. He laughs with me, is nicer to his sister, and I’ve caught the 2 of them actually hanging out, something they never did while I was married. My 15-year old daughter has grown in her confidence & her self-esteem has improved. She quit hanging out with a group of girls that used to have a ring-leader that was narcissistic & mean. And my daughter said, “I want to raise my standard of who I hang out with and what kind of people I surround myself with.” She now has a group of really great friends who are also empathetic and kind. It started with me raising my standard and now she is doing the same.

      I stayed for 18 years “for the kids.” Turns out, my only regret now is that I didn’t do it sooner. I had stayed in the marriage because I thought it was important to teach my kids that marriage is important & sacred. Turns out, that’s what I taught them by leaving. IF divorce is the right move, start with a separation. I spent one year separated from my spouse & the results were astounding. Getting my kids out of the current environment was the best thing I could’ve ever done. They see their mom as a protector now and the one who will defend them even from things they don’t fully understand. They trust my judgement now and talk to me way more than they ever used to.

      As it turned out, God ended up providing everything I needed. A home, a job that works with my kids’ school schedules, and so, so much more. I learned that God loves me and my kids more than He loves marriage. And He still loves my ex-husband, but God doesn’t say “You have to stay abused because I love him, too.” No. God loves him enough to hold him accountable and He cares for the broken and abused. I can safely say now “I left for my kids & I.”

  221. Hmmmmmm Only husbands can be a narcissist?? This article is way too gender biased for me. You have missed out on the husbands who have wives that are a narcissist. Why?

      1. On the wife one there is a section for “possibilities to have Therapy work” what is the majority for husband relationships to work?

      2. Looks and sounds like it was written by an angry man. Why didn’t you write ways to deal with the narcissist man? Does your knowledge not cover this? If you don’t allow this comment does that make you a narcissist? I guess I’m a narcissist too!

        1. Personality problems are hard to write about, Jerry. Most clinicians aren’t optimistic about the chances of marriages working with a narcissist of any ilk. As you can read, it’s not a term thrown around wildly. Boundaries are a good thing for dealing with any narcissistic personality disorder, male or female.

  222. This has been my entire 18 year marriage I always knew there was something not quite right about my husband but it took me until 15 years of marriage to connect all the dots. I went into therapy and started exerting myself in the marriage and that’s when things got progressively worse. I started reading about his behaviors, how his actions never match his words and all the other dismissive, neglectful, passive aggressive behaviors and that’s when I found covert narcissisism.This is by far the best article that I have read that clearly and simply describes my relationship with him in perfect detail. I could never have explained it better myself!!

    He treats me as if I don’t exist, he won’t speak to me unless he needs something, food, to run an errand, to make a call to pack a box. Sex has become for me unpleasant. I didn’t think that was possible considering that up until 3 years ago our sex life was pretty good or so I thought. He doesn’t seem to create any intimacy and when he tries it’s forced and it doesn’t seem genuine. No matter how much I try to discuss he says he’s trying but you see no improvement. He says he wants a great marriage but he puts zero effort into it and insists he’s really trying!! Most of the time I feel like some sort of an appliance, I am used when needed and put on the shelf when he doesn’t need me. At one point he was discussing retirement we are in our late 50’s and all he talked about is what he would be doing and I asked him “where am I” and he said you’re there and I was like “what am I doing” and he again said “you’re there”.

    I have poured out my heart to him, tried every way possible to communicate what I need but again doesn’t seem to care and has very little interest in creating authenticity, mutual respect, and honesty. He insists he loves me and that he wants the marriage but his flirtations with every woman he can to shore up self esteem clearly indicates that he doesn’t know love or respect, otherwise he would honor his vows and respect me but he can’t seem to care, as his need for attention and validation trump whatever I am feeling and I am just collateral damage.

    I didn’t think it was possible to be so lonely while being with someone, but I am. I make sure to not go out too much with him alone because he treats me like I don’t exist and I have to constantly be talking about him to keep his interest and attention otherwise there is flirting, ogling, making intense eye contact with strangers and then insisting it’s not happening, and that I am delusional, too sensitive or crazy. It’s downright disturbing and extremely dysfunctional, but I truly think he actually believes everything he says. He truly believes he’s a great guy so if he’s a great guy he couldn’t possibly be treating his wife so terribly. When out with couples he can’t seem to do too much flirting as others would notice, so he seems to act much better. The mask is always on when others are around!!

    You can tell he doesn’t really want the marriage but he won’t leave. But Daniel’s article says I am supposed to do the leaving because great guys like him don’t leave the marriage, which is so true. Every day he’s telling me I am unhappy with his silence, disregard for my feelings and just being absent but not once no matter how many times I ask do I ever hear the truth just the continual dribble with how much he Loves me and how it’s us to the end!! I Know now that I picked him because I didn’t love myself because if I had loved myself I would have seen who he actually was and it would not have taken me 15 years to figure it out. I know who I am now, so yes it’s been a painful 18 years but I know my worth now and I am finally realizing that my value is just in who I am, it’s not in doing or catering to someone or shoring up someone’s self esteem but just standing in my truth with my good and my bad parts and knowing that no matter what anyone does to me I will SURVIVE!!

    I

    1. Your part about the retirement….this was a huge issue for me because my husband talked about his BHAG (big hairy audacious goal) would be to own a yacht. I looked at him and said, “a yacht? Why a yacht? I hate yachts….I don’t want to be on the ocean”. He said that would show pre eminent wealth….that he made it!!! I was like but I don’t care about any of that….where am I in this dream of yours and he said, “you’ll be there “ wow?

  223. Aah..this article was absolutely my entire 9 year marriage to a covert narcissist. And now that I am aware (it's only been 2 months since he moved out after me divorcing him), I am freaking addicted to learning more and finding support from people who know what this is. The unfortunate part of this is that we have 2 young children. A 7 yr old boy and a 6 yr old girl. I feel sad for them, as I know that they will have suffering in their future from him. Already he's disappeared. Will pop up here and there with toys for them (while giving me no financial support for the bills, as he has no job..but buys toys with the little money he has, as if they don't already have a million toys..just like he'dbuy me gifts he couldn't afford, when all I wanted was his time..sigh). Anyway, I believe this to be the best description of my marriage of all that I've read thus far. It is so very enlightening and empowering. I now talk to him like he's a robot. It's the only way to fight through all of the emotions and disgust I have for him. I read an acronym..JADE..Don't Justify, Argue, Explain or Defend. All of these amount to nothing with a covert narcissist and will leave me frustrated. I wish I'd known that the 1st year in..sigh. But God's speed, ya know. Thanks for this article.

    1. Ok, I am in the same exact situation as you. Literally the same. And I am also addicted to finding more and more out about vulnerable narcissism. It’s the only thing that helps sift through the past 10 years. I feel like I’ve done so much research I should be going for an advanced degree.

  224. This 100% describes the man I was married to for 22 years. It broke me. I lost Close to 200 pounds and he made fun of me for having hanging skin. I finally divorced him when our child was 20, ten years ago.
    I did go through lots of therapy. I met and fell in love with the most amazing man I’ve been married now for six years. A very happy and healthy loving marriage.

    I have had no contact with my ex spouse for 8 years

    He suddenly died this week and I am experiencing a range of feelings indifference To sadness for my daughter to guilt because I know he let his life and health go after I left him. I do know that I did the right thing in divorcing him to save my own life but I do feel compassion/pity for him. I just wish I didn’t feel guilty but I know that’s part of old codependent ways.

    1. We often see when one spouse excels at the expense of the other, divorce can be a dramatic change. Your divorce enabled you to develop and thrive. He did not. And now, after his death, you see just how he didn’t do as well without you. And, because you are a compassionate woman, you feel sad for this situation. Perhaps you have been trained emotionally to feel “responsible.” And you can see that, recognize that, and let it just “be.” I am happy that you were able to get out and move on with your life. And, as you well know, the decisions he made after you left were his alone to make.

      Thank you for sharing your story.

      Dr. K

  225. My husband is verbally and emotionally abusive. He wants to control everything in the relationship. He hates working for other people. He prefers to own his own business, but it’s not enough to pay the bills. He accuses me of cheating with members of his family, people at church and in my community. He makes up wild stories about me and other men but can never show proof because he’s telling lies. He listens to my phone conversations with my mother, borrows money from my family and never pays them back. If something goes wrong with his business it’s my fault. If the mortgage is due and we’re short, it’s my fault. I’m retired and living on a fixed income. He was jealous of that because he cannot draw down retirement because he’s self-employed and nearly 60 years of age.
    He smokes marijuana a lot and I noticed that it makes him delusional. I don’t know what to do.

    1. It sounds like you have described your situation very well. Your husband behaves very badly. Exploiting others, verbally abusive, paranoid, controlling. I think now is the time to present yourself to a psychotherapist and say all the things you’ve said here. Your sharing here is only a first step. The second is getting actual help for yourself

    2. Leave him! painful as it sounds you deserve better and need to preserve or aquire self worth,get a divorced this is an unhealthy relationship to be in get out now!

  226. This describes my almost 24yr marriage exactly. I do still examine myself to find exactly what I’m doing wrong and while sometimes I find things, most of the time I don’t and I just have to continue day to day pretending nothing happened, while transgressions continue to pile up. I spent over a year turning a portable building into an office. My perfect office. I have MS, so my activity levels can sometimes be sporadic, meaning that working FOR someone is quite difficult. My CN husband started a contracting Biz and I was all to happy to be his parts manager. Things were going great! I was working finally and had my office finished so that on bad days, I could work from home. When covid happened, he lost his contracts and therefore I was out of a job. This terrified me, as prior to his landing the contracts, he had been withholding affection (to the degree that a non-affectionate person can withhold) and I asked him when we could spend time together and work on “us”. His answer was basically when I get a job so he doesn’t have to stress about bills. So I just knew when he lost his contracts, we would be on the “outs”. He hasn’t said anything or acted any type of way because the unemployment was coming in to cover the bills. But in my state unemployment stopped 2.5 months ago. I finally found a job, working from home in the office I poured many hours of sweat equity into, which I start next Monday. The last week or so, he’s disappeared into my office all evening after he gets off work doing something digitally (videos or something he can make extra income on). I don’t bother him while he’s in there, so I didn’t know what had been going on. Today, while he was here for lunch, I went in my office looking for something, only to see that he had taken my TV off the wall and had started using it in place of his monitor as a second monitor for his laptop (yes I set him up his very own workspace in MY office. I’ll never know why it had to be the TV and not his actual monitor which he dumped in front of MY workstation). I was LIVID! I came back up to the house and said “that’s not going to work. Everything is taken apart. I wish you would’ve come to me with what you needed rather than dismantling my office.” I never raised my voice or said and curses. Yet, when I text him to say I couldn’t find what I needed because he had moved stuff around to his liking and that I wouldn’t apologize for being angry that my hard work was dismantled, I would apologize for not waiting until after he got off to say something, because he was angry and stormed out. He then text me back “I’ll f&£<ing find it when I get off, but one more time of you talking to me like that and I’m gone. You can have it all”. I didn’t cuss at him, yet he felt it was ok to cuss at me?
    I’m not new to the threats to leave, although since my MS Dx they’ve been almost non-existent. He doesn’t just threaten though. He actually leaves. Our children are grown now, but it’s not like that stopped him before they were. He would leave me for months at the time when they were young. No job, for awhile no license or car, no family, no friends that weren’t his. I had to depend on them to get me back and forth and he was always “put out” or “put upon” when I needed help. I begged him to come home, not just because of my financial status, but because I loved him. God only knows why. I can’t talk about how I feel because he gets frustrated. I cry a lot, but I’m just a leaker. I cry when I’m angry, sad or happy. Tears express the words my brain won’t. But, he shifts to unreasonable anger any time I cry. He’s NEVER been physical, understand that. His words or lack of them, is plenty control. How do I stop loving someone who only knows how to verbalize “I love you” and not how to physically express it? I’m about to lose my husband of 24 years because I expressed an emotion he didn’t like, and that means I lose my house AND my transportation AND my job, because I can’t pay the internet I need at home for work. Do I go back to being the submissive “anything you want” wife in order to keep the peace? I didn’t like that person. In fact, I HATED that person. That is not me.

  227. This article is very very good. I wish I had had it two years ago while in couple's counseling that was handled very poorly. The counseling was nearly as traumatic as the relationship because he was able to use all the things mentioned to "woo" the therapist while continuing to "forward his agenda". I felt very, very alone. It's taken me 2 years, with the help of an individual therapist, to recognize that he's not normal and it's not me. He still sends me messages that he loves me (well, unless he's interested in someone else, then he treats me like total shit) but I don't respond, because I don't need to. Unfortunately, we have a child together, and it's really reassuring to have that part discussed here. We were together almost 15 years and I did NOT know why I felt bad!!

    1. Someone who is narcissistically impaired can use the “language of therapy” to continue their manipulation. This is the reason why you have to fall back on your internal barometer. “Is this genuine? Do I feel manipulated or is he manipulating the therapist? Does he actually want to hear what I’m saying, or simply push his own agenda?”

      And you are also correct that it’s often confusing why you feel so bad in these relationships. You’ve been conditioned to consider yourself “mean” or “unreasonable” or somehow not taking his feelings into account.

      Therapy is so helpful because a good therapist can help you to examine what has happened and to help you process that effectively. Glad you found help and got clear.

    2. Thank you so much for posting this, beet. I had a very similar experience. I told my couple’s therapist that I wanted to stop coming because I didn’t feel that he was showing up genuinely. I couldn’t understand why he was doing that, when I thought the point was for us to get help. I was willing to be so transparent, and he was putting on a show. Your sharing helped a lot– and this whole article was incredibly helpful. It is all so spot on that I finally feel like I am both understood, and understand, the feelings I’ve had since we met. Now, begins the process of getting out.

  228. I want to give hope to those living/suffering with a Covert Narcissist. With the help of a skilled therapist you can dissociate/separate emotionally from the CN and get your life back. After 38 years, the last 10 years of which have been emotionally abusive, I became anxious, depressed and physically ill. Thanks to a therapist who specializes in overcoming abuse – I no longer allow fear to stop me from speaking my mind and I am able to laugh at his vicious and mean words. Even if you decide to leave you still need to work on yourself so that the CN can no longer hurt you.

  229. Thank you for putting words to what I have not been able to explain. I read this article for the first time a few weeks ago. First time I heard of covert narcissist. But it didn't sink in. Yesterday my husband of 19 years and I had our first meeting with our second marriage counselor. His behavior was textbook. Then I reread this article last night. All I could do was think yup, yup, yup. I feel so hopeless. I know the only way to survive is to divorce and I am working on my exit plan. It is just so much to wrap my head around.

    1. I believe it is worth calling your husband out on his passive-aggressive behavior in couples therapy, without an assumption that he will magically change. It is also worth it to realize that you are your own best barometer about whether he’s being honest or not. You can’t “make him” be honest. You can only point out the whiff of falseness and call it as you see it. It may be useful if you have investment in doing so, of outlining your “exit plan” for others to understand what you mean.

      1. Dr. K, writing as someone in a similar situation, do you think it is worthwhile to show this article to the CN? Thinking whether or not to share with my husband?

  230. Wow. This is my husband of 25 years. Currently getting the silent treatment because I called him out on the contempt and lack of empathy at home, while oozing empathy and concern for people who don't know him well. I just can't take it anymore – I want a peaceful, happy life. I'm trying to figure out how to extract myself – would be great if we could just part amicably but I doubt that's possible.

    1. Very similar situation. He shunned me whenever he didn’t like what I posted on social media or if I called him on his passive aggression and gaslighting. He would either not talk about it or go off on a tirade. Never a conversation. Then, the week my mom died, he says he flipped a switch and was over me. Took the money and opened up a new bank account. Rented a room elsewhere. He is now divorcing me for being emotionally abusive. Wish I’d left him ages ago. I don’t see our divorce being amicable though I miss him after 23 years and my heart is broken. Please find a way out before your husband does it in the cruelest way. I didn’t think mine had it in him. I was wrong.

  231. I have been living in the abuse cycle for the past 16 years. Ever since I came across a few videos about covert narcissist I started to try to set boundaries and assert myself calmly while he rages, the abuse got worse and more extreme. I noticed that he actually gets off at calling me names and devaluations that I previously reacted to, like freeloader. Now I hear that every time he rages. Another thing that is very unsettling is the feeling of lack of safety in my relationship, every single disagreement he turns on me almost instantly and after some time threatens me to leave me, saying things like: “Let’s see how you can do this life without me. It will only go from bad to worse for a ugly person like you.” Last time this happened because he forgot my birthday, and when I told him the day of that it upset me, he created a story that I deliberately didn’t remind him (even though I did two weeks prior) so he would fail. And he turned it all to be my fault. I am a stay at home mom of 2 kids with no family in the country. We moved us 10 times within last 10 years across 4 different states because he would quit jobs stating that he had no choice since his bosses were mean to him and didn’t appreciate his input. He wouldn’t keep a job for more that 8 months. I wanna be free so bad. And I wish I had the guts to just leave. But my fear of the unknown frequently overpowers me since I have 2 kids to take care of and I haven’t had an outside job in the longest time and the outside world seems foreign to me. I’m hoping that one day I will have a victorious story to tell and it will all be just a nightmare of the past.

    1. Start by getting help. That’s the first step, and a useful one. A good psychotherapist can help you get perspective and figure out “which side of the street” the issue is on. It’s not an all/nothing issue. It’s a step-by-step process. Don’t wait to take the first baby step.

      Dr. K

    2. please call the national abuse hotline…they will connect you to your local advocacy program and get you help. I did this and although its been difficult few weeks, i spoke up about what had been happening to me, as his passive aggression turned to physical violence and i couldn’t stay anymore. There are programs available that will help you. You just have to take the first step. Its scary, but tell them everything even if it hasn’t been physical.

    3. The state of feeling unsafe in your home hit so hard for me. This is exactly how I feel with the CN, if I cave and start externalizing my emotions or thoughts because it’s easier to let them out then keep them in, I don’t know what I’m going to get in return. Sometimes invalidation and condescension, other times he’ll bite and attempt to talk it out with me. When he does talk, it seems like he’s bored or that I need to figure it out fast snd finish my thoughts. Idk it just doesn’t seem genuine. I hope one day soon you will find the courage to leave, no one deserves this for their life. The kids will be OK.

    4. Maria,

      I feel for you, there are wonderful programs across the United States, like f cobb stated, call the hot line. Find the nearest woman shelter for abused women.

      Get a bag ready to go in case you need to leave right away, have all documents that you need, children’s birth certificates, marriage license, your birth certificate, social security cards.

      Start trying to save money, even if it is a dollar here or there, hide it well.

      My thoughts are with you.

      T

  232. Hi, my husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 2. I am 28 and he is 36. I moved away to a different state with him so that he could attend medical school. Since then, he gets upset when im gone (visiting friends or family in our previous state), but is cold and emotionally distant when I am home with him. It’s like he wants me with him just so he feels less alone but purposely wants me to feel alone. He never has friends (although he tries hard to make them), only acquaintances who think that he’s such a great guy.

    Recently, *my little brother died. A few months later, my husband dropped out of medical school after speaking with his advisor. He told his advisor that he was doing poorly in school because the death of my brother (who he had only ever met or talked to during Christmas) was too traumatic for him. But yet he told me “I can’t care or ask you how you are doing because I’m not okay”… he’s genuinely never asked me how I’m coping emotionally or if I’m okay…and now he’s about to start trauma therapy to appease his advisor…

    Neither of us have kids but were planning to within the next two years. I graduate from my medical program in spring 2022. But now he won’t graduate until 2023. I want a baby so badly but I’m not sure it’s smart to have one with him. Because he now won’t graduate until 2023, he says it’s gonna be 3-4 years before he is ready to have a baby. This past weekend I realized that every single one of his last 5 girlfriends, has never gone on to have children of their own (I’m younger than they are). It’s like he sucked away their 20s and now he’s done the same to me.
    I just feel like he wants me here but doesn’t want me. I’ve been hoping it would get better, and have wanted to stick it out since I’ve already put in 7 years and because I want to start a family sooner rather than later (I’m not 21 anymore)—but reading this article is so spot on that now I’m not sure it ever can.

    1. Don’t make major relationship decisions based upon an article. Get excellent marital help with an extensive assessment. That’s available to you now. Don’t put it off.

  233. Thanks for this. Im constantly made to feel like im in the wrong. being told that i dont love him, that i settled…feel like im being pushed to react…anytime people come over…when they leave..he is upset..becos i supposedly belittled or criticised him in friends presence.i asked him to go to counselling..as we have 4 kids together….1 time he says yes..the next time…if i love him for him then why must he go for counselling…its very passive aggressive…This has destroyed my self worth and boundaries..which has also impacted other areas of my life. Praying we can work this out and move forward.

  234. This describes my 33 year marriage. He now doesn’t give a shred of warmth or human touch but refuses to leave. He has been an unreliable provider so expects me to support him without receiving from him normal appreciation, gratitude or any reciprocity. If I want something he opposes it or spoils it. He implies he’s henpecked and takes no action to rectify any of the hurt he’s caused. I want to find and join a support group for CN partners/spouses until I find a way to be rid of him.

  235. This describes my 27 year relationship with my stbx exactly. I also grew up with an abusive, narcissistic mother. That’s why the stbx picked me. I’m doing the things that I need to do to heal and find myself again. We have a 19 year old and 17 year old kids who he manipulates against me. How do I stop the cycle of abuse he has taught them?

    1. Just by being honest, open, and vulnerable with them. When they grow and look back, they will see who has “played it straight” and who has been “messing with them.” You might have to wait a while. Be patient with your kids as they grow up.

  236. My ex covertly narcissistic spouse had adhd and was a sex and love addict. So all he wanted was thrills and sexual attention from me. I was the one who pulled away and tried to explain that I didnt feel attuned to and cared for and a woman isn’t sexually interested in a man she has to coddle and baby. So he cheated and I eventually kicked him out. Now he is sayin “we” decided to separate because of us not getting along and therapy not working. Naw man, I told you to go because you wanted me back but I could tell you were not a sufficiently changed man and a safe partner.

    1. It sounds like you have a pretty good idea who you are and what your truth is. And you recognize that you can’t control what he says or who he says it to. Nice work!

  237. I definitely enjoyed this read. I believe this describes my husband perfectly. We have been together for 24 years and I just don’t know what more I can do to help my marriage.

    1. Same here! Wondering if anyone else had the same love bomb/impotency in the same hour or the hyper vigilance and threats and controlling rage when you tell them you're leaving. It really gets old. I hope it gets better and we get to enjoy the time we have left in peace.

    2. 24 years of marriage also and warning signs and red flags all along the way. I made so many excuses to myself and my sons for their step-dads bad behavior and have finally begun to see him with clairity. He has enjoyed one health problem after the next that i have lovingly and helpfully dealt with even tho often he disregards Dr.s advice. I needed a last minute ride to a Dr.s appointment after 3 days of insomnia for a blood pressure check up and he was a complete and utter A–! We hollered at each other the whole drive there( i usually don't engage with him when he`s in a mood but my lack of sleep kept me from keeping silent). I lost control and hit him over the head with my cell phone. My rage toward him kept me away from home for 4 nights till i felt safe to be around him. That simple drive to my appt. showed me what I`m married to and since I`ve been trying to cohabitate with detachment. Thank you for an accurate description of a covert narcissit spouse.

  238. This blog is spot on. I lived this for 22 yrs of marriage. I'm still trying to out the oieces together after now being divorced for 9 months. He tooknme through a whirlwind during the separation when I thought it would push him to do the right things to reconcile. Instead, on the surface, he acted like he was. He got therapist as I requested but twonseparate ones called me and asked to meet with me to figure out what was going on and he never went back to either. Additionally, he scheduled one marriage session after my dv counselor advised me that it will not work with him. I went to that one seasion and I talked tonwhole time while he rarely said anything unless the therapist really promoted him. After the session, he barely said anything tobme and got in his car and drove off. The therapist reached out to me too and asked to meet one on one and pretty much said she sidnt think our marriage would survive. There were many times during the separation he would say he'd do one thing but not follow througn, not call, etc. It was like I was in thw twilight zone. The conversations we did have were circular and mind boggling. He ended up getting another woman during the separation and I didn't find out until after the divorce. It has been so hurtful but he acts like this is a very serious relationship. His family doesn't even speak to me. Even in attempting to co-parent, he doesn't speak to me. Will not looknat me when I drop the kids off, will not answer his phone but will only respond to text messages. I only contact him about the kids. If they have oerformances, he'll attend, ait in the back, and leave instead of staying to congratulate child afterwards like all the other parents. When I drop or pick kids up, he won't walk to the car even if they have a lot of stuff. It is crazy. The kids love their dad but say he's on the computer or his phone all the time and they never know when the conversation is over. He cares for them but they cannot put their finger on it but my oldest will say, "daddy is with us but not with us." At the same time, he'll ensure their well fed, sometimes take them to movies and ice cream but mostly, they stay home all the time when they are with him. They say, he rarely asks them questions and if they watch a movie together he's on his phone too or if they play a game, they have to tell him it's his turn because he's on the phone too. He's very much into youtube and drones. He's good at it and hasa yourube channel with 20k followers but these are all surface relationships. If he takes the kids to the park, its to fly his drones. This was a point of contention in our marriage. I supported his hobby but when I told him he was too engrossed in it, he got very upset and told me that I was trying to take away the only thing he has. I just was asking him to spend more time with me. He said, it's not my fault we have conflicting work schedules. I could never criticize or disagree without him being extremely sensitive. He always claimed how nice of a guy he is, call, cool, etc. When we had arguments, nothing ever got resolved. He said my expectations were too high, etc. I always felt love was conditional and felt he hated me. He was jealous about my career and even friend success but in the surface or in front of others be supportive but deep inside resented it. I cried an ocean in this marriage and it started to take a toil on my health.

    1. So it may now to time to accept that this is your ex-husband. He will only text. He will consistently disappoint the children. He will blame you for his failures. He will engage in another relationship while he’s separated and claim to be working on the marriage.

      Now it is time to focus on you, and what you need to move on.

      Put him into a tiny box, care for your children the best you are able, and grow into the woman you were meant to be.

  239. Thank you for this incredibly insightful and entirely accurate article. Had he not abandoned our two children and me three years ago this month, next week would have been my ex-husband and my 20th anniversary.

    For months and months after he walked out, I literally had no idea why. He simply discarded us like a used tissue. Of course, he had begun disengaging with us a long time before that and of course the harder I tried to save our family, the more resentful he seemed to become. The worst was his casual indifference to both the kids and me—like we didn’t exist.

    At first he blamed the stress of our kids and their additional needs (at least to me) and he would tell me I was the only good thing in his life. Then suddenly I became the enemy and I heard from friends he had begun a campaign to quietly call in to question my mental health. We were living in the UK and only seeing family and friends in the US once or twice a year.

    I would take the kids to the States to give him a “ mental health breaks” from his stress from work and the kids. I learned later that he was using that time to cheat on me.
    After one such trip, he arrived at the airport to pick us up with a first-ever tattoo, new hair style and clothes, minus a wedding ring to announce he would be moving out when he found a new place to live. No explanation. Nothing. It took him three months and I told him it was like death by a thousand cuts knowing he was leaving but not yet gone, the night he left in a taxi kissing me and saying i was the love of his life, then finding out the next week he’d moved in with one of the people he’d been having an affair with.

    He made no schedule to see the kids, barely spending any time with them over the following months. Following a very bad car accident where I nearly died, i had to arrange for friends to keep the boys for several weeks while I was in the hospital. Eventually I was contacted by social services who informed me that unless I could make other arrangements the children would need to go into temporary foster care until I was out of the hospital and able to care for them as he had informed them he was unwilling to care for his own children!
    I packed us up and we moved back to the USA the following month as soon as I was physically able in order to be closer to my family and to get away from him.

    That was nearly 2 years ago. The trauma and pain are still there but much better. To date, he has not seen the kids through his own choice. Apparently the new person doesn’t care for kids any more than he does. And he never contacts me or the kids to ask how they are.

    Luckily in the UK, there are very clear laws for divorce and support, including for samesex couples. So I get child support and spousal support. But it still doesn’t take away for the loss of twenty years of my love and life I poured into a relationship with a person who existed only in my mind. Because the good, loving kind hearted husband and father was a figment of my imagination. Once the mask was pulled away, I saw the true monster behind it for who he truly is.

    1. Thank you for such a shocking example of the heartbreak endured in a CN marriage. In addition to your pain, what hurts so bad is to see how the children are equally discarded.

      Thanks for taking the time to share your story and the extent to which your own love could blind you to someone so insensitive.

  240. Amazing article, amazing comments. This describes my husband to a T. It’s as if you know our marriage inside out. Other articles online don’t even come close.
    Being with him there was just something I couldn’t put my finger on, and I often felt like he didn’t care and that he hated me. There was also this strange dynamic where he wanted me to be his mother figure yet resented any attempts at emotional closeness. Mother me-go away. Still trying to figure that one out. Still married to him. It’s sucked me dry.

    1. The process of leaving a CN is also a challenging one. Threaten to leave and for a little while, you'll feel some of the love-bombing that caused you to feel in love in the first place. But it won't last.

      It is challenging to realize that someone "hates you" but it's not personal. He hates needing you. He puts you down in hopes of not needing you or anyone. But it doesn't work. He needs your approval. But like a starving person with an impossibly tiny mouth, he simply can't take in what you offer to him.

      The thought to leave can happen many times over many years. Then, he simply gets up and goes. It shocks you.

      He's gone, he's "moved on" and 10, 20, 30 years of marriage are "the past." And you with it. And that's when all of the real feelings come out about you. He'll tell you he's not into you, and hasn't been for decades. He acts happy and things you should "get over it." (the marriage) And he expects you and the kids to need nothing from him.

      He's moved on. Why haven't you?

      1. This article is Godsend, I have never ever seen such an apt article to understand covert narcissism. It feels like every sentence is true to the bone. I wonder whether any hope to treat the CN to have empathy or the wife has to make a choice to leave or live miserably!

        1. I wish I had a clear answer for you, Sheila. Working with any personality disorder is a long, challenging road with no promise of arrival. And it is a path your husband has to choose for himself, not because he is trying to “please” you. Does he recognize his lack of empathy? Does he own it as a problem he wants to overcome, or does he blame you for labeling him? Not giving him a chance? Criticizing him?

          I also would encourage you not to self-diagnosis but seek individual or couples therapy to learn if your convictions are true.

          Good luck!

    2. "Mother me-go away. Still trying to figure that one out."

      In Freudian terminology, that would be called the Oedipal Complex. In layman's terms: King Baby.

  241. I just read this article and it describes my husband exactly. After landing in the ER after a particularly rageful session of emotional abuse, my therapist mentioned that she thinks he is a covert narcissist. Is there any chance that he can get help? Our marriage saved? I do honestly believe he wants to be different but doesn't know how and then get hijacked by the shame and insecurity. Do you do couples counseling with this type of dynamic i.e. with a covert narcissist and his wife.

    1. I'll point out the obvious to anyone reading, Kiri: You ended up in the emergency room, and you are asking how to help HIM.

      This is the most puzzling part of being married to a CN: The wives often feel an unreasonable loyalty to him, despite is enormous abuse. You have a therapist. Keep working with her.

    2. This is my husband completely. We’ve been together since high school. He’s all I know & I genuinely love him. We have 4 kids together. So it’s not just about him & myself. We also have to think about the repercussions of any actions that would happen to our kids.
      I would know personally as I’m a child of a really messed up, hate-filled relationship that dissipated when I was around 2 1/2. Im 37 now & still trying to work on that issue with my psychiatrist.
      Not all relationships/marriages are the same. Some can be saved. Some just can’t. I’m currently on permanent disability due to having a complete mental breakdown after my husband more or less pulled the rug out from under me & I found out about so many things he was doing behind my back, yet I didn’t suspect any of it! I thought we were happy.
      From my shock, horror, disbelief, disgust, severe pain, betrayal, I completely fell apart & lost my trust in him, lost my self esteem, self worth….just lost myself after finding out he was having an affair, addicted to porn, signed us up for a swingers website & put pictures me on the internet plus secretly filmed us being intimate.
      With all that being said, I don’t think anybody should be encouraging wives to just walk away! You don’t know their personal sumituation & it could turn out to be detrimental to children, families, & the spouses themselves. Unless you are their doctor, you really shouldn’t advise women to just leave & “move on”.

      1. I think it is generally accepted that some chronic “hard reasons” for divorce are not only accepted as valid, but widely applicable to most people. But you are right, not all. It is a decision that nobody else can make but you.

        However, what needs to be appreciated is that some people are truly sorry, in a heartfelt way, for the damage they do to someone they love. They vow to change, and these promises are beyond empty words. They mean it, and they show these changes in word and deed. Others either don’t apologize or are transparently exploitative when they do. In other words, they “say what you want to hear, not what they feel.”

        There are many good books on the impact of being a child of a narcissistic parent, because, as was pointed out in the article, a narcissist doesn’t only make a terrible spouse, but a terrible parent as well. To argue that you stay in a marriage with a narcissist “for the children” is hardly doing your children a favor.

        But we do know that it’s not wise to give psychiatric labels to your spouse. Often a narcissistic spouse puts that label onto others.

        And reading a single article shouldn’t be motivation alone to leave a long-term marriage.

        Get outside perspectives. Speak to a therapist, or even objectively present your situation to 5 of your closest friends and ask them if you think you are helping either yourself or your children in staying in this marriage.

        Then you can decide for yourself, which, of course, isn’t the same as deciding to divorce. Many people remain in terrible marriages for their own unique reasons. And this is simply a fact of life.

  242. This article is so accurate, I have to thank you for putting what I've been living into words.

    The whole scenario is so crazy making. My husband is so secretive and evasive he won't answer the simplest of questions. If I'm talking he leaves the room, doesn't respond to anything I say and is always secretly angry about something. Everything has to be his way and if it isn't I will pay.

    I could go on and on but I'd just be basically repeating your article.

    I'm finally at the stage after 10 years that I need to get out of this before it kills me.

    Good luck to you all!

    1. People who love each other do not keep secrets. They yearn to be known. They want to share. If you are talking, they want to focus on what you are saying. And if they are angry, they acknowledge that and talk about what upsets them.

  243. Nailed everything to a T! Further saddens me as I have consistently lost hope and my whole life has been a lie. How does a marriage survive covert narcissism?

    1. A marriage to a CN survives when the CN is the planet and you are (the annoying) stars that pester him. It survives by a constant, persistent hope that if THIS happens, things will be different. The "THIS" keeps changing, but the man does not.

      A marriage with a CN survives by slowly eating you up, Mary. You are the food group. And while you are slowly dying inside, he'll remind you that you simply aren't giving him what he needs. He needs someone happy, someone, who is more loving, more giving, more sexy or whatever.

      And you'll try to change to be that person, but you'll fall short.

      Happy wives don't seek out articles and read the comments looking for hope. Happy wives are happy to live and to love passionately with happy husbands who do the same.

    2. You can hang on forever being abused if you want. But the key word here is " survive"… Why would you want to? Why do you have to accept abuse from a man who will never love you? I have been with a narc 15 yrs – married for l0 ( he is 69) I am his 3rd wife and as loyal, faithful, honest, trustworthy, and loving as I've been – he has made me the "enemy" by his perceived slights. I am divorcing him. FINALLY. WE deserve to be happy. Anyone stuck with a covert narcissist will never be happy. Please get out. IT DOES NOT GET BETTER and every day that goes by – a piece of your soul goes with it until there is nothing of you left.

      1. Thank you for putting your husband’s age. Mine of 13 years is ending by my choice. Still clearing out the guilty bits that aren’t true, helpful or kind. Finally dawned on me that his lack of kindness, tenderness, and empathy is his CHOICE and not my responsibility…thinking if I did everything “right,” I’d “earn” it. Came into our marriage with a home, my own car, no debt, retirement savings, a well-raised daughter, a good career, friends, and a solid co-parenting relationship with my daughter’s father. He brought a car, debt from his marriage, debt from his delinquent sons, and a soon to be halved-retirement savings. Oh goody, but having been raised my a narc mom, I was smitten with the challenge of finally earning unending appreciation for all of my hard work and good outcomes. Fast forward 13 years and I am happily leaving with no home, no car, 1/8 of what I had in retirement. Still have a great job, great relationship with daughter, and her father recently assured her I would be able to manage now and soon thrive. Now looking forward to the day instead of being disappointed that I woke up.

  244. I disagree that the Covert Narcissist was abused as a child. My husband was an overly spoiled child actually. Still is by his parents to this day. Many Narcs may have been abused but many are just grown up spoiled brats.

    1. So again, narcissists are often spoiled as children and indulged. That's the overt type. CN's, if indulged, it came with a price. They were given to, but made to feel shamed. The example I use:

      … as a child the boy wanted a bat with a famous baseball player on it for Christmas. He got a "no-name" bat and was obviously unhappy on Christmas morning. The parents shamed the child for what he wanted, instead of accepting what he got. Then he learned not to tell people what he wanted because he'd end up feeling terrible for asking.

      Is this a reason to be self-absorbed or withholding?

      No, it's not an excuse. It's a way to allow the CN to move beyond former conditioning. But they need to want to change to be loving and open.

      It's not something to "agree" or "disagree" with, Amanda. It's research that has been done on people who have these particular traits.

      And just because someone was abused as a child does not mean that they will grow up to be CN's. Many people previously abused have gotten help and grown up to be loving husbands and wives.

  245. This is my partner , weve been together for over 20 years and he has taken every ounce of self worth out of me , I need him to leave , I’ve asked him to leave instead he stays and doesnt say a word I actually hate him now with every fibre of my being thays left

    1. This is exactly me he won't leave either! I hate him everytime I see him I get enraged. So of course now I'm the bad guy and he has my kids thinking I'm goin crazy. What do I do? My kids are mad at me cuz I am mean to him. I just want him to leave so I don't have to b angry all the time.

  246. My husband has ASC (or Asperger’s) and behaves like this! His family are all on the spectrum too but only be and his mother are covert narcissists like this.
    What I am struggling with is that my husband often wants to change. I can sometimes (most when his bags are almost packed) get him to understand the way he behaves is hurtful. He actually wants to change and has agreed to attend therapy to do that.
    Can they be helped?
    Does the fact that he recognises all this and wants to change mean he’s on the right side of the continuum? (After 22 years? ?)
    And what kind of therapy actually works for people like him?

    I hope you have the time to reply, I have NEVER read anything so accurate and insightful in my life. I know that a lot of women with Cassandra Syndrome feel validated by this. Thank you x

    1. Someone who is neurotypical (on the spectrum) isn't a covert narcissist but you are right: they do resemble it. We have four people on our team with specialized training in helping neurodiverse couples. Most therapists do mislabel these marriages and their interventions are ineffective. Look up our posts on neurodiverse couples in the categories section and see if this fits. If it does, contact us. We're happy to help.

  247. Perfectly written, however, my (now ex) covert narcissist husband WAS the one who wanted/files the divorce papers, so the “never be the first one to divorce” is incorrect.

    1. I agree. Mine contacted a lawyer in 2015. That was dropped. I filed in 2017 and he convinced me to drop it promising he'd do better. Blah blah blah. Here we are in 2021. This "marriage" has been over for a very long time – but for some reason he just continues to string me along and actually admitting he had no respect for me. I was shocked. He had no respect because I stayed. I allowed him to beat me down – I looked weak to him Narcs respect power, money, status, and control. I had none of that. It is finally over. Whether he files ( let him pay the filing fees and show up in court) or I do — that is a mere formality. Do we want to spend the rest of our lives like this?? WE DESERVE HAPPINESS TOO> None of us is coming back to do it all again. GET OUT.

  248. Liked the 5 tell-Tale signs of a covert narcissist husband, husband has a drinking problem….it’s just beer. 6-8 average a day morning to night.
    Oh well, I’ll figure this out. I always do!

    1. Well maybe me has a whiskey problem and the black outs are terrible! The things he says and then in the morning tries to love on me and doesn’t remember, is so annoying. I have recorded him but the things he says are so hurtful I can’t even bring myself to play them back to him and sometimes it gets physical. I know That makes me an enabler. I just don’t know what to do. I love him and I don’t want to break up my family.

  249. Thank you for your post regarding the Narcissist husband.I was directed by my Heavenly Father to go online in 2018 and type in the word- Narcissist. We are both in love with the same man, i.e., my husband.

    He is a full blown clinical covert Narcissistic husband and a great poser. He cannot tell the truth, is very deceptive in our relationship, his only desire is to shop and has through over a million $’s, but has NEVER saved one penny, yet he says he never had enough!

    He cannot tell the truth, thinks he is superior to every one else, is very pleasant in the company of others, especially females; the only time he acts or poses nice is when he is in the presence of others. When we are “home alone”, only God knows what I have to endure; without Him I could not survive!
    Blessings,
    Ellen

    1. Wow Ellen you have just described us. My marriage. I am legally separated but still must play his game if I want to receive my alimony without all the drama

  250. I found the entirety of this article AND the comments, not only interesting, but also educational and truthful. I definately recognized many of the descriptive applications as having been in my life and character composition, as well a number of them STILL in my life, unfortunately! Because we are (Born-again) Christians, we have a higher calling than many to remain together. There has NOT been marital unfaithfulness with either one of us and we are about to celebrate our Golden (50th.) Anniversary, something rather miraculous these times! I have a multitude of faults and sins in my life BUT am COMMITTED to remedy my passive/aggressive and partially narcissistic issues and characteristic ways and habits, consigning both to the Bible’s entreaty to “Live with your wives as Christ loves the Church (world-wide body of those Christians who own a personal relationship with Jesus Christ! WE are working together on my lacks and have agreed to create periodic physical separation from one another to allow “space” and healing to perform their progression while staying constantly in touch with one another via text, email and or telephone conversations. It is faith, love, prayer, the Bible, God’s mercy, compassion and forgiveness that will keep us together, along with a healthy and constant dosage of communication with one another in truth.

  251. The husband benefits from a “smidge” of narcissism. The wife is obviously just a B. Misogyny is ugly. You should work on getting yourself past it.

  252. Ce n’est que par les relations qu’on entretient entre nos différentes connaissances qu’elles nous restent accessibles. — Shnuup, sur l’hypertexte (SELFHTML -> Introduction -> Definitions sur l’hypertexte)

  253. This article has given me something to think about. Still, is a subnormal Narcissistic husband a good spouse when he uses outright silence, shares nothing about himself, performs musically and loves to have attention yet “forgets” what he has himself suggested to do for me? Example: I’ll drive you, I’ll buy the groceries, I’ll buy you nice things, but refuse to speak of himself and seems to listen, but is always “confused or forgot.?”

  254. The worst is not being able to speak – or be heard – about my feelings. He crafts these “exercises” to get our needs met and uses them to his liking. When it’s my turn to use same exercise he criticizes me so harshly for not “doing it right” that he grinds me into the ground and leaves me there crying. Concern for my needs? Forgotten. Never followed up on. Shows no interest in participating in making repairs or amends. Of if he says sorry it lasts ’til the next time he perceives an imaginary insult then either passive-aggressively comments or puts me down. When I complain he says he was “only joking”. It has been 1 year and I still have not had my hurt feelings healed or addressed from dozens of fights and arguments. We are in therapy and it seems to only give him more ammunition and terminology to beat me up with. He promises to keep agreements then breaks them. Any time I want to discuss feelings it’s the same. He is obsessed with assigning blame – and whenever I talk about my feelings he spins it mid-sentence asking me “so now I am the one to blame?!!!” “this is all my fault, huh?” then the conversation does a tailspin and I am recovering from and defending against accusations of blaming him. Or being accused of accusing him – it is all crazy-making. The term “word-salad” is great because that is what “talks” become when he gets aggressive and triggered. He makes o sense, calls me adjectives like psycipathic or bipolar or schizophrenic – meanwhile not taking repsonsibility for any pain he causes me nor calming down enough to actually listen to what I am saying. I get little compassion and no empathy. He constantly is telling me I need therapy because of how I react to him – haha, I need it BECAUSE of him! I have PTSD and am shut down from the unpredictable squabbles he conjures out of nowhere. We can be having a great day, a wonderful moment, then he sabotages it with some insult, demand or sarcastic comment. Because something I did (or usually, didn’t do) triggers him unbeknownst to me because he lives in a world inside his head where he is apparently being treated unjustly. We have many good times in the past, but now my trust is gone. Couples therapy is not helping. It seems a game. He lures me back in with sweet words and tones, then things calm down for a few days or a week at most. Then *blam* another incident is happening. I can see the trail women take, thinking “this is what I have to endure for the trade-offs I see in this relationship…” the benefits of stability, insurance, a home, not having to date and search for a mate any longer. BUT at what price? My health is suffering greatly. There is much to consider in spending time with these individuals who are so entitled they can’t see straight.

    1. My heart goes out to you! I was married to a covert narcissistic man for 24 years. I just recently found out what the disorder is called. I I realize now the damage caused by being in this relationship. Its going to be another 24 years for me to recover

    2. I’m in the same situation as you are and I am 63. I want to leave my relationship but husband makes a nice salary and pays the bills and my health insurance. I want to move to another state and meet some friends and be very selective of the men I date if I ever have the courage again. My father is a overt narcissist and my sister is a overt narcissist and now we aren’t on speaking terms for a few years now. I feel as though I’m all alone. I’m mKing plans to move in the next year or two so I can be free of this bondage.
      You could also leave and find another place to live as you would have money from your marriage.

    3. You totally described my entire relationship with my ex!! Everything you said was the exact same things from my marriage, with the added issue of him doing the exact same things with our kids!

    4. I have never read a comment that parallels my experience as much as yours does.we are both professionals and he is admired by his patients. He could never get as much admiration from me. Without going into details I would say that this article is the best I have read on the subject because it addresses the wife’s desire to change the relationship with true love and concern, while any attempt at deep conversation threatens the husband and is seen as an attack, from which he withdraws emotionally, rather than deals with the emotional issues. I feel as though there’s constantly an elephant in the room that only I am aware of.
      I have gone to a few counselors for this and was told it’s best not to engage in couple therapy bc this relationship is diagnosed as emotional abuse, and these men rarely want help. Being married 31 years, I agree as I have always been the one to want therapy or “ force” him into biblically based marriage conferences. Never has he ever talked about wanting to improve our marriage.
      I’m not sure how he can live this way. I am jumping out of my skin in pain and loneliness and hurt. I see this is a 2 year comment so I hope things have changed in your life. I’ve just resorted to accepting a loveless marriage wondering when something is going to “ give”. I’m the blame for every problem. Thankfully I have a strong will because my focus is mostly on the Lord as my kids are grown. Having the kids leave and losing the reason for his living, made our relationship even more strained.
      Yes the PTSD very real.

  255. My covert narcissistic husband almost killed me. Couples therapy with a personality disordered individual is not recommended. A marriage retreat won’t fix it. Get out. Now.

    1. Wow I married one be for I realized what he was and had 2 children with him. I seriously need help with dealing with him. I’m loosing my mind.

      1. No, your not losing your mind. You are being manipulated by a very sick man. He is a expert at sabotaging ypur self worth. Their’s nothing wrong with you! Be strong. Read everything you can about his weakness. Make a plan to get out. Start saving money! You can survive this. Hold on to yourself. You are not alone! Join a Facebook group for support. Or do FaceTime therapy. Reach out to your local domestic violence organizations. You can survive this. Im praying for you to the goddess inside all women.

  256. When these men and women in some cases, have a severe case of this there is nothing that can be done, one weekend of couples therapy are you kidding. This is deep inside of them they are horrible to the person they choose to torture , usually their partner.

    1. Really? This sounds hopeless. You mean my husband will never change and all this does is give me the clarity I need to do what exactly? We are Christian. He wants help. Leaving him would throw him to the wolves. He wants the tools to identify weakness and inner lies so he can change into the likeness of Love. There must be hope for these people. What are the steps we can take to help him be whole and truly love?

      1. I’m in the same boat as you being a Christian. From the 3 counselor s I saw, I was told that they don’t change. So you either decide to live with it or not. In my heart since then, I really believed God would open his heart to his behavior towards me. It’s 12 years since the last therapist. Nothing has changed. In fact things are worse.

  257. I’ve read every website I can find. This trait has been referred to on many of them, as a mental disorder. Or is sometimes, explained by simply saying, “He just doesn’t care, he can’t show empathy”, etc.
    As if he’s broken or something, so this is an excuse. Maybe these people can’t feel empathy, but they sure do recognize it when they want it for themselves. My husband is a flat out self absorbed prick. Problem is, you cannot call him on any of it, because he refuses to admit anything, if it means something negative about himself. He’s not broken, he knows right from wrong, he’s intelligent enough to understand that it’s NOT ok, the way he behaves, because he hates it when someone does it to him. I’m married 40 years. Know what I’ve learned? Take the bad with the good, learn to ignore his shit (whenever possible) and make YOURSELF happy. If his behavior cannot be ignored, then pay him back, with the same. Let him know when he’s not being truly listened to. Forget when he asks you to do something. It’ll piss him off, but watch if he calls you on it, bet he doesn’t, and we know why.
    If he’s intolerable, do whatever it takes to leave.
    If you want to stick it out, get ready, cause it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

    1. Its a nightmare . Nobody understands except the target they have chosen, so you cant explain it to ppl, escpecially my family who he has completely bamboozled. Its exhausting I cant take it anymore. 22 years. I got him out once and let him back, huge mistake he refuses to let me go.

      1. I’m in this same situation. My husband makes me look like I’m batshit crazy to everyone else… even to my own family. I didn’t realize that this was a disorder until recently and now I’m not even sure how to get out… we have three kids together and I’m worried for them. I don’t have a family to fall back on or anyone for that matter. All I know from everything I read is that it will not get better and I need to get a plan in place to get our children and I out safely.

    2. Great advice, Shell.. Agree l00% – I am with a self absorbed, abusive, prick just like you ( unless you got out) for 13 yrs – on/off. I finally married him thinking I could handle him – yes, they are challenges and I thought I could make a difference by calming the chaos/drama in his life. Um. No. They THRIVE on chaos and drama. It takes a VERY strong person who is very grounded and knows their worth to be involved with one of these people. For unusual reasons, I stopped living with him 5 yrs ago. He complained that I “abandoned” him to gain sympathy from everyone in his orbit – All BS. We are not kids – I am now 70 .. Why do I stay? I use him like he uses me. I am a convenient “fuck” buddy and great for his public image. He has a great retirement package that I could never afford on my own. Health benefits, extra SS, possible pension if he dies before me.. etc. etc. I used to love him in the beginning – but he destroyed it all. His own kids don’t even like him along with most of his “friends”…… He lives in his own little fantasy world.. He’s the “biggest and the best” according to him. I just play along — Have come close to dumping his ass – but at my age.. does anyone believe I would even WANT another man? That ship has sailed. BUT if you are stuck In quicksand like so many, believe narcs NEVER CHANGE………. They will lie in therapy — ( if you can get them there) I learned to be mentally tough by my Dad – the worst narc in the World — my husband is an amateur compared to what my Dad was. Save yourselves. IT DOES NOT GET BETTER. RUN!!!!!!!!!

  258. This is my soon to be ex husband – he proposed a month after meeting me, told me he loved me on our first date, then when I started noticing his imperfections and terrible decision making, he left as fast as he got in.

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