Dear Dr. K,

I am verbally abusive to my wife. I have explained to her that name-calling or remarks are only words that I say when I get angry, and they mean nothing. She feels different. I know it hurts her after I say it. I can’t stop my actions.

I need help before I lose her.

Remorseful but Repeating

Dear Remorseful but Repeating,

I would first like to ask you how widespread your impulse control problem is. 

  • Do you end up in fights in a bar when people anger you? 
  • Have you gotten arrested for mouthing off to a cop?
  • Have you been fired after altercations with co-workers or your bosses?
  • Do your friends consider you a “hothead” who is like a loose canon when they go out with you? 
  • Do you experience road rage that gets you into trouble?

If the answer to most of these questions is “yes,” you likely have an impulse control problem that has gotten you into a lot of trouble in the past. Your wife is only one casualty. You are a danger to yourself and others and should immediately seek intensive couples therapy to learn how to control your anger before you do more damage.

I am totally serious. 

Chances are this behavior has deep roots, and unless you learn a new way of engaging yourself in your world, you will end up in prison for some time. Then you will lose your wife.

If this problem is limited to just your wife, you have a different problem.

It leaves me with a different set of concerns.

First, you justify these verbal harangues as just something you do when you are angry. They mean “nothing” because you only use these words only when angry at your wife.

If we rule out the possibility that you don’t verbally abuse others when you get angry, you can control your behavior despite publicly announcing that you cannot. Therefore, something about your wife’s status makes her “abusable” to you.

I’d like you to consider that for a moment. You say you can’t stop your actions, yet you know they will end your marriage. You don’t do this behavior to just anyone; you limit your out-of-control behavior to your wife.

If more than your wife gets your abuse, who else does? The dog? Your children? Political pundits on TV? An opposing sports team?

Does it only happen in the home or outside the home as well?

By now, you should hopefully be observing some pattern in your behavior. This is important because it gives you insight into yourself.

“Getting angry” isn’t the problem, Remorseful but Repeating. Gottman found that couples can get angry with one another, and it is used constructively. Anger is an “approach” emotion, meaning that you interact with someone by telling them something you have and don’t want or something that you don’t want that you have.

Now it is time to examine what topics cause this cascade of verbal pollution. What upsets you exceedingly that you become full of rage? Here are some possible options:

  • Your wife wants you to do something you don’t intend to do around the house. You wish she would stop bringing it up, but she keeps doing it. It is infuriating that she keeps talking about this, so you lose your temper.
  • Your wife wants you to interact with her when you prefer not to. You want peace and quiet, but she wants you to talk to her and ask her questions. This infuriates you, so you get angry and call her names.
  • Your wife complains about any number of things and won’t let up. Initially, you aren’t angry, but eventually, you get angry because she won’t stop talking.
  • You want to do something, and your wife objects. She doesn’t want you to do it. She tries to talk you out of it, and it makes you get more and more angry. You verbally abuse her until she stops.
  • Your wife refuses you sex or asks for sex when you aren’t in the mood. Or maybe she complains about the sex you do have. You can be angry at the conversation, and it escalates until you say things you later regret.

Maybe you can think of other situations that apply to your particular situation.

Ask yourself the following:

  • What do these situations have in common?
  • What are the results of you becoming verbally abusive? Does she become silent? Withdraw? Stop asking things of you?
  • Have the two of you ever had an effective disagreement that didn’t result in verbal abuse?

Finally, after all of this analysis, and because you were so courageous as to bring this issue forward to me, I want to leave you with some practical advice you can use:

  1. Learn to recognize when you go from “just mad” and can control yourself to “over-the-top raging” when the hurtful words start flowing.
  2. If you have trouble determining when that point is, here is a practical suggestion: Go into a local pharmacy and buy a “pulse oximeter.” It is inexpensive and will make your marriage safer. Set the alarm/beeper to go off, and the device will reach 80 if you are in great physical shape or 100 if you are of average physical fitness. When you and your wife begin a disagreement, slide it on. 
  3. When the pulse oximeter sounds the alarm, say nothing further and leave the room and do something else. Ideally, you should read something, but do anything that might work to calm yourself down. Do not keep thinking of the fight or what made you angry. Wait 20-30 minutes.
  4. Return to your wife and continue the conversation. If the alarm goes off again, repeat #3. 
  5. If you are unable to continue the argument for longer than a few minutes without that darn thing going off, buy a subscription to Headspace (we have no affiliation).
  6. Do each of the Headspace exercises every day. 
  7. Continue to disagree with your wife and notice if you can go longer without having to stop for 20 minutes before starting up again. You should be able to go longer and longer without “flooding.”
  8. If this is all going well, bring your wife in on it by both of you doing “repair attempts” when you disagree, and before you flood. Repair attempts keep the fight cool, like a radiator in a car. It also allows you to talk longer (but keep it under 20 minutes).
  9. Recognize that it may be time for you to listen more carefully to what your wife wants from you and begin to change. You might have to agree with her more, get out of your comfort zone, and take concrete steps to avoid walk away wife syndrome.

I am pretty sure you will feel proud of yourself when you have learned to control your temper (flooding) and have a more cooperative and less antagonistic relationship with your wife. You sound like you love her very much.

The good news is that if you follow the above ten steps, you should begin to see pretty good results after a few weeks.

Share this post with her so she knows you are sincerely trying to be a calmer, better man. But trying isn’t enough. She has to see actual change.

Good luck!

Thank you for writing,

Dr. K

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