Dear Dr. K,
What does it mean when your spouse continuously calls you a b**** whenever he’s drinking?
Hurt by Drunken Slurs
Dear Hurt by Drunken Slurs,
I routinely suggest that couples, who choose to consume alcohol or other substances make an agreement prior to the first sip or puff that they will not discuss any serious issues.
In other words, the use of any mind altering substances means that both of them intend to have an enjoyable time.
If either one of them brings up an unpleasant topic, I encourage the other one to remind them of the “no serious discussion” rule and change the subject.
Some may argue that the drinking or substance abuse happens so often that they would never have any time to discuss more series issues.
In this case, I would suggest that the person has a different issue: one or both of you are abusing or addicted to substances.
If your husband seldom drinks, but when he does drink, he becomes verbally abusive, I would suggest that you simply refuse to be around him if he decides to drink too much alcohol.
What is too much? You might start with a limit of two drinks. Most people who are not addicted to alcohol, are able to stop drinking after two drinks, especially if their spouse tells them that they become abusive when they drink more.
In a happy marriage, a spouse does not want to act in an abusive way when they are drunk. In fact, drunkenness should be a rare occurrence in any marriage. If it’s frequent enough to be a problem, it’s a problem.
You can’t control his drinking. You can only control your own behavior. Here’s one way to do it:
What if it’s a wedding? If he intends to drink more than two drinks at the wedding, you decide together whether he will go or you will go.
What if it is dinner out with his colleagues? Then you simply refuse to attend if he is going to have more than two single drinks.
What about a family holiday? These will dramatically press the issue, however, I would hold fast: if he plans to drink more than two drinks, you will not hold the family holiday, or if you sponsor the holiday you will leave the house after his second drink. Or you won’t attend if anyone else holds it if he plans to drink more than two drinks.
If you find that you often attend functions alone, or that he often goes without you, I would suggest that you consider that he has a substance-abuse problem. He is engaging in an affair with the bottle.
If he agrees to have two drinks, but he then has more, one of two things is occurring: he either is not a man of his word, or he has a drinking problem.
He is abusive when he drinks.
He doesn’t have to believe you when you tell him that. You only have to believe that. And then take action not to put yourself in harm’s way.
Thanks for writing.
Dr. K
