Dear Dr. K,
My boyfriend won’t trust me to be on my own because of my past trauma with men. I keep telling him that it’s ok and I’m safe but he won’t listen. What do I do?
Watched and Weary
Dear Watched and Weary,
First, thank him for his concern and for being a guy who would never traumatize you like the other men you’ve been with.
Then tell him that he might not realize it, but trying to control where you go, when you go, and with whom is actually abusive. You know he doesn’t want to be abusive to you, so if he has these anxieties, he can talk to his friends about them, but he shouldn’t bring them up to you. And if you are okay with him talking about these anxieties, he can do so, but only after 24 hours of the outing you go on.
Tell him that not listening to you is disrespectful and you, given your history, cannot tolerate a disrespectful man. It’s too upsetting and not at all helpful for your healing.
Do not allow him to argue with you about that. If he attempts to, put your hand up as if to say “Stop.” If he continues to argue with you, ask him what part of “stop” he’s confused about. You’ve asked him to stop. You expect him to honor your wishes.
No, he can’t call you to find out if you are okay. That’s controlling. No he can’t monitor your movements. He can do as you have asked him to do. Period.
If he refuses to listen to you, regardless of his noble motives (protecting you, keeping you safe, worrying about you etc.) he is being abusive and it is time to end the relationship.
The longer he attempts to control you, the worse it will get. Put a stop to it now, and don’t worsen the dynamic by telling him how scared you are to be out on your own.
Hope this helps.
Thank you for writing,
Dr. K
