Originally published September 23, 2018.

Infidelity is one of the most devastating experiences a couple can face, shattering trust and often leading to the demise of the relationship. While there are many factors that can contribute to unfaithful behavior, recent research has shed light on a troubling pattern: the link between serial infidelity and certain personality disorders. In this article, we’ll delve into the latest findings from psychology experts to better understand this painful phenomenon and explore what it means for those striving to build healthy, committed partnerships.

The Role of Personality Disorder in Infidelity

Studies have identified three personality disorders that are strongly correlated with a higher likelihood of engaging in serial infidelity: Narcissism, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and Psychopathy.[1] It’s crucial to note that not every unfaithful partner has a personality disorder, and not every individual with these disorders will necessarily cheat. However, understanding the common traits associated with these conditions can provide valuable insight.

  1. Narcissism: Narcissists are often self-centered, overly confident, and crave admiration. They may feel entitled to engage in infidelity, believing they deserve more or better than their current partner.[2]
  2. Borderline Personality Disorder: People with BPD struggle with emotional instability, impulsivity, and maintaining healthy boundaries. They may seek validation through sexual encounters and have difficulty resisting temptation.[3] At times, a partner with BPD may engage in extramarital affairs to “hedge their bets” about being abandons by their spouse. This, of course, becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
  3. Psychopathy: Characterized by a lack of empathy, remorse, and personal responsibility, psychopaths tend to be manipulative and live in the moment, prioritizing their own pleasure over their commitments.Unlike narcissists, who may look for particular psychological rewards in their affair partner, psychopathic characters may be more opportunistic or exploiting, hoping to score sex, money or other tangible benefits from the arrangement.

Real-World Examples and Relationship Dynamics

To illustrate how these personality disorders can manifest in relationships, let’s consider a few hypothetical scenarios:

  • An attractive[4] husband with narcissistic tendencies constantly compares his wife unfavorably to other women, both real and imagined. He feels he “deserves better” and pursues affairs with coworkers who showers him with praise.
  • A wife with BPD impulsively engages in one-night stands while out with friends, desperate for the fleeting emotional high of a new sexual encounter. She alternates between clinging to her husband and pushing him away.
  • A partner with psychopathic traits remorselessly but convincingly lies to his significant other about his whereabouts, pursuing multiple sexual partners without guilt or concern for the consequences.

In each of these situations, the personality disorder contributes to a heightened risk of infidelity and makes it more challenging for the individual to maintain a stable, faithful relationship.

Challenges with Detecting a Lie

There are significant challenges when it comes to reliably detecting deception in others, such as when engaging in infidelity. The differences in verbal and nonverbal behavior between liars and truth-tellers are subtle, perhaps too subtle to be reliably perceived by human observers. While it is common for a partner who has discovered serial infidelity to exclaim, “I should have known!” this is an unfair self criticism. Liars, particularly chronic liars who have perfected the art, are challenging to detect, even by researchers, who often score no better than a coin toss whether a person is truthful or not. Even research on bodily cues provides conflicting results.[5]

Traditional polygraph lie detector tests are notoriously unreliable – research has shown they are not much better than chance at identifying lies. The physiological responses they measure, like heart rate, blood pressure, breathing rate, and skin conductivity, can be influenced by many factors besides deception, such as stress, anxiety, anger, embarrassment, etc. As a result, innocent people can fail polygraphs (false positives) while skilled liars can pass them (false negatives).

Additionally, there are no universal behavioral cues that consistently indicate lying across all people and situations. While some signs like gaze aversion, fidgeting, inconsistencies in stories, etc. are more common in liars, they are not definitive proof and also frequently occur in truth-tellers. Accurately detecting deception requires analyzing a mosaic of verbal and nonverbal cues in context.

That said, research has found links between certain personality disorders and increased lying and manipulation. The personality disorders most associated with deceptive and exploitative behaviors are:

  1. Antisocial Personality Disorder – characterized by a pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others. Frequent lying, (even when the truth would have no consequence), conning others, and lack of remorse are key symptoms.
  2. Narcissistic Personality Disorder – marked by grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy. Narcissists may feel entitled to deceive to get what they want.
  3. Borderline Personality Disorder – characterized by instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. BPD sufferers may lie to avoid abandonment

So in summary, while there are statistical associations between lying and certain personality disorders, detecting deception remains very challenging. Personality disorders may raise risks, but are not definitive markers of deception. Careful analysis of patterns of behavior over time is needed rather than relying on any single test or indicator. Even then, errors are common.

They might say, “It was just sex, it didn’t mean anything.”

Gaslighting

Those engaged in clandestine affairs may indeed resort to gaslighting if their spouse voices suspicions about infidelity. Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic where someone tries to make their partner doubt their own perceptions, memories, and sanity.

Some common gaslighting techniques an unfaithful spouse might use:

  • Outright denial, insisting nothing is going on despite evidence
  • Suggesting the suspicious spouse is being paranoid, jealous or imagining things
  • Trying to convince them they are misremembering events
  • Changing the subject or picking fights to avoid confronting the issue
  • Turning accusations around, claiming the suspicious partner is the untrustworthy one

The goal is to make the suspicious spouse second-guess their intuition and stop questioning the affair. Over time, persistent gaslighting can deeply undermine someone’s confidence and ability to trust their own judgment.

No one deserves to have their reality denied or to be made to feel “crazy” for valid concerns in a relationship.However, while gaslighting is a sadly common tactic of those hiding infidelity, it’s crucial to note that simply having suspicions doesn’t automatically mean a partner is cheating or gaslighting.

Harmful Responses When Caught

There are a few common harmful responses that those caught in repeated infidelities may exhibit:

Deflection and Blame-Shifting:

Rather than taking responsibility, they may try to deflect blame onto the betrayed partner, other people, or outside circumstances. They might say things like “If you paid more attention to me, I wouldn’t have cheated” or “My friends pressured me into it.”

Minimizing and Downplaying:

The unfaithful partner may try to downplay the severity and impact of their actions. They might say “It was just sex, it didn’t mean anything” or “Lots of people cheat, it’s not a big deal.” This dismisses the betrayed partner’s pain.

Defensiveness and Anger:

When confronted, the unfaithful partner may lash out in anger or adopt a defensive, combative stance. They try to put the betrayed partner on the defensive rather than being accountable.

False Promises:

The cheating partner may make superficial promises to “never do it again” without showing genuine remorse, empathy or willingness to change their behavior and fix underlying issues. It’s often an attempt to quickly smooth things over.

Refuse to Change Circumstances:

In order to heal, the Hurt Spouse may need the Involved Spouse to make significant changes, like switching jobs, allow access to electronic devices, selling a home and relocating, selling their car, or providing resources to the Hurt Spouse that enables them to clandestinely hire a Private Detective whenever they suspect an affair is happening. Insincere and character disordered spouses engaged in serial affairs will be unwilling to make such sacrifices.

Short-term Versus Long-term Changes

A character disordered engaged in serial infidelity might be willing to make short-term changes, but will renege on promises or expect their spouse to quickly “get over it” (their upset and mistrust).

Remorseful Spouse

On the other hand, a genuinely remorseful partner will:

Take Full Responsibility:

They own up to their actions without excuses, blaming or minimizing. They acknowledge the gravity of the betrayal.

Show Empathy:

A remorseful partner tries to understand the pain they’ve caused. They listen to the betrayed partner’s feelings and perspective.

Offer Transparency:

They are willing to be fully transparent to rebuild trust, such as allowing access to phones/accounts and proactively sharing information. No more secrets or lies.

Make Amends:

Through both words and actions over time, they demonstrate commitment to helping the betrayed partner heal and to doing the hard work to fix personal and relationship issues that led to the infidelity.

Express Guilt & Regret:

They don’t just say “I’m sorry,” but convey deep regret, self-reflection, and negative judgment of their own actions. They hate that they’ve caused such pain to the person they love.

The key difference is that a genuinely remorseful partner turns inwards to examine their own failings, while an unrepentant one turns outwards to deflect, attack and avoid true accountability and change. Rebuilding trust after infidelity is a long process that requires demonstrated growth and transformation, not just words, from the partner who cheated.

Identifying Risk Factors and Repairing the Damage

If you suspect your partner may have a personality disorder that increases the likelihood of cheating, it’s important to look for warning signs such as:[6]

  • A history of unstable relationships
  • Impulsive or reckless behavior
  • Lack of remorse for hurtful actions
  • Difficulty taking responsibility for mistakes
  • Constantly seeking admiration and validation

While it’s painful to discover that your partner has been unfaithful, especially if it stems from an underlying personality disorder, while it doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the relationship, the behavior may not stop unless the Involved Partner recognizes the seriousness of the action. Often, that sober assessment will only come when they are threatened of real, palpable, and inevitable loss if the behavior continues. With the guidance of a skilled couples therapist, the Hurt Partner can be helped to realistically assess their situation, and to decide whether or not to remain in the marriage. Staying in the marriage will require hard work on the part of the Hurt Partner to recognize and reject manipulation and gaslighting, work to establish clear boundaries, refuse to accept evasive communication, and recognize their partner’s limitations is empathy and accountability[7].

It’s crucial to prioritize your own emotional well-being and safety. Very often Hurt Spouses assume the same personality traits and intentions as they, themselves, possess. This is a dangerous supposition. If your partner is unwilling to seek help or continues to engage in deceitful, harmful behavior, it may be necessary to consider ending the relationship.

Conclusion:

The link between serial infidelity and personality disorders is a painful reality that many couples face. By understanding the role of conditions like narcissism, BPD, and psychopathy, partners can be better prepared to recognize warning signs and take steps to protect their relationship. While it is possible to overcome these challenges and cultivate healthier, more trustworthy bonds, the Hurt Spouse can’t do it alone. Change is impossible if interest in change is shallow, goal-oriented, or fleeting. One feature of personality disorders are the “idiosyncratic” (aligns with how the person sees themselves; not alien) nature of them. Narcissists may like themselves and see little need to change. Psychopathic characters often see qualities such as loyalty, truthfulness and empathy as a “sucker’s game.” Borderline Personality Disorder is likely more actively in pain, but may be fearful or too disregulated to participate in the well-researched and effective treatment solutions that are available. Serial affairs, ultimately, are character, not relational problems, although they dramatically impact the relationship.

Research

  1. Buss, D. M., & Shackelford, T. K. (1997). Susceptibility to infidelity in the first year of marriage. Journal of Research in Personality, 31(2), 193-221. doi:10.1006/jrpe.1997.2175
  2. Hunyady, O., Josephs, L., & Jost, J. T. (2008). Priming the primal scene: Betrayal trauma, narcissism, and attitudes toward sexual infidelity. Self and Identity, 7(3), 278-294. doi:10.1080/15298860701620227
  3. Nelson, R. K., Lass, A. N. S., Fanning, J. R., McCloskey, M. S., Winer, E. S., & Berman, M. E. (2022). A network model of borderline personality traits, aggression, and self-harm. Journal of Affective Disorders Reports, 8, 100330
  4. Nowak, N. T., Weisfeld, G. E., Imamoglu, O., Weisfeld, C. C., Butovskaya, M., & Shen, J. (2014). Attractiveness and spousal infidelity as predictors of sexual fulfillment without the marriage partner in couples from five cultures. Human Ethology Bulletin, 29(1), 18-38.
  5. Bond, C. F., Jr., & DePaulo, B. M. (2006). Accuracy of deception judgments. Personality and Social Psychology
  6. Review, 10(3), 214–234. https:// doi. org/ 10. 1207/ s1532 7957p spr10 03_2
  7. Jones, D. N., & Weiser, D. A. (2014). Differential infidelity patterns among the Dark Triad. Personality and Individual Differences, 57, 20-24. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2013.09.007

Originally published September 23, 2018.