Dear Dr. K,
I have had multiple affairs over a 20 yr period and kept in contact with 2 ex-lovers but did not disclose to my wife and even invited them to our wedding, and I’m godfather to one individual’s children.
My wife has now found out and filed for divorce.
Is my marriage salvageable?
I’m fully remorseful and no longer in contact with ex-partner or having any form of infidelity.
Reality Check
Dear Reality Check,
Let me be direct: Having your ex-lovers at your wedding while your wife had no idea who they were? That’s like bringing a torch to a room full of fireworks and being surprised when things explode.
I hear that you’re remorseful. But this isn’t just about the affairs – it’s about two decades of carefully orchestrated deception. You didn’t just hide affairs; you wove these people into the fabric of your family life. Being a godfather to one of their children takes this beyond a typical infidelity situation.
Your wife isn’t just processing infidelity – she’s realizing her entire marriage narrative was different from what she thought. Every anniversary, every shared moment with these “friends,” every family gathering now has a different meaning for her.
Here’s the hard truth: Whether your marriage is salvageable isn’t really the question you should be asking right now. The real question is: What made you comfortable maintaining such elaborate deceptions for so long? That’s the work you need to do, preferably with an individual therapist who specializes in infidelity.
If there’s any hope for your marriage (and that’s your wife’s call, not mine), it will only come after you’ve done serious work on yourself. And even then, understand that rebuilding trust, once shattered this thoroughly, is like trying to put together a mirror that’s been broken for 20 years – possible but extremely challenging.
First, focus on understanding yourself and why the affairs happened. Your wife needs space to process the realization that her entire married life wasn’t what she thought it was. And if she gets to finalizing the divorce before you finalize your therapy, chock it up to a lesson about yourself learned the hard way.
Wishing you clarity on your path forward,
Dr. K
