Dear Dr. K,
Every time my boyfriend kicks me out of his house, I find things when I go back that belong to a girlfriend of mine, and he denies it. He doesn’t know how they got there. They always disappear, and she’s gone, too. Do they know what they do?
Gaslighted and Gathering Evidence
Dear Gaslighted and Gathering Evidence,
There is so much wrong here, but let’s take it one-by-one. First, he kicks you out of his house. I want you to imagine the advice you would give to your dearest friend or cousin who told you what was happening to them. Would you tell them how lucky they are to have found Mr. Right? Or might you gently suggest that this man is creating chaos in her life, and she might consider finding someplace else to live and someone else to love?
Secondly, when you do decide to go back, or he lets you back in, there is clear evidence that one of your girlfriends has been there. Heads up: She’s not your girlfriend. She’s not your friend at all. She’s a person who is involved with the man you (occasionally) live with.
Thirdly, he lies about it. He gaslights you. Then he dumps the evidence. Maybe he returns the items to her. Maybe he tosses them out. Who knows?
But your question is: Do they know what they are doing? Yes, Gaslighted and Gathering Evidence they do.
Now sit down and ask yourself why you haven’t left this man. Whatever your answer, make a plan to change it. If you have nowhere else to go, find someplace. If you don’t have the money to live alone, find a roommate. If you don’t have a job, get one. What you are experiencing is abuse of the highest order. And you keep going back to it.
You look desperately for any evidence that they are just misled. You believe that they don’t realize how crappy they are acting and how they are breaking your heart. Yes, Gaslighted and Gathering Evidence they do. They do, and they don’t care. They don’t care about what they are doing to you because they don’t care about you. They have no respect for you. And yet you continue giving them both the benefit of the doubt.
That has to stop.
I would encourage you to get into therapy to focus on why you allow these people to treat you in this way and call one your “boyfriend” and the other your “girlfriend.” Neither are your friends, but you don’t seem to realize this. Perhaps you never have had a real friend, because you don’t think you deserve one.
You certainly deserve a true friend, and it is your job to run; don’t walk away from false friends. It is better to be lonely right now than to have false friends. And it is better to be couch-surfing than to spend another night with that man.
If you can’t do it now, plan to do it tomorrow. If you can’t do it tomorrow, make better plans to do it the next day. If you need help, that’s what a therapist is for – to help you improve your life one step at a time. Find a therapist and use them to make a better plan for your life.
Good luck!
Thanks for writing.
Dr. K
