Dear Dr. K,

We are 3 months before the wedding. How do I deal with a soon to be spouse who can’t make marriage decisions before and has no excitement because he is super emotionally attached to his father, who is not happy with this marriage?

Troubled Bride-to-Be

Dear Troubled Bride-to-Be,

Your letter touches on a complex and emotionally charged situation that some couples face as they approach their wedding day. Family dynamics, emotional attachment, decision-making challenges, and pre-wedding jitters create a perfect storm of stress and uncertainty. Let’s look over several key aspects of your situation and explore potential ways to address them.

1. Emotional enmeshment and family dynamics

You aren’t just marrying your fiance in this marriage: You are marrying his entire family, but especially his father. Let’s slow things down and decide if you want to have a power struggle between yourself and the tag team of father and son.

No one should get married when they carry serious doubts, especially when those doubts are supported by a significant parent in your life. Whether he values his father’s perspective highly or is using his Dad as a stand-in for his own fears, it might be time for you to make a dramatic shift in your current stance and excitement to get married yourself.

It’s time to seek out some highly individual advice from a disinterested party who can give you things worth considering. Pick a therapist, religious leader, or other knowledgeable people who can help you step back and assess the situation more objectively.

The work you do to bring everyone on board with this marriage will not be wasted, even decades into the future.

Your Father-in-law to Be

The strong emotional attachment between your fiancé and his father is a central issue in your situation. This type of relationship, often called emotional enmeshment, can be challenging for romantic partners. It’s not uncommon for adult children to maintain close ties with their parents, but when these bonds interfere with forming new, primary relationships, it becomes problematic. And these problems don’t disappear after saying, “I do.”

In healthy family systems, parents gradually loosen their influence as their children mature, allowing them to form independent identities and relationships. However, in some families, this natural progression is disrupted, leading to over-involvement and difficulty separating.

Consider encouraging your fiancé to explore his relationship with his father through individual therapy. A skilled therapist can help him understand their bond’s nature, identify unhealthy patterns, and develop strategies for establishing appropriate boundaries while maintaining a loving relationship. But if he’s disinterested in going to therapy, keep in mind you’re not his parent, either. Don’t push it, but think seriously about whether you are interested in a threesome marriage.

2. Premarital decision-making and communication

Your fiancé’s difficulty in making marriage-related decisions is concerning, especially so close to the wedding date. This indecisiveness could stem from various sources: anxiety about the future, fear of disappointing his father, or unresolved doubts about the relationship. But instead of pondering the “why’s,” focus on the facts: He is. 

Effective communication is crucial at this juncture. Create a safe, non-judgmental space for open dialogue about his hesitations. Use “I” statements to express your concerns and actively listen to his perspective. For example, “I feel worried about your father’s serious concerns about you marrying me. Can you tell me what you feel are valid points and why you think he might feel this way?”

Explore the reasons behind his father’s disapproval. Are there specific concerns that can be addressed? Sometimes, open communication can bridge gaps and alleviate fears. If appropriate, consider arranging a meeting with his father to discuss his reservations and share your commitment to each other and the relationship.

I would be pretty reluctant to feel like I had to be a cheerleader for the viability of my own marriage before it’s even gotten off the ground. 

Consider enlisting the help of a premarital counselor or mediator. These professionals can facilitate productive discussions, help you both articulate your needs and concerns, and provide tools for collaborative decision-making.

3. Managing disapproval from family members

Your future father-in-law’s disapproval of the marriage adds another layer of complexity to your situation. It’s natural for his attitude to affect your fiancé, given their close relationship. However, it’s crucial to remember that while family opinions matter, the decision to marry ultimately rests with the couple. But that truism goes out the window if your future husband begins to passive-aggressively act out this reluctance himself.

Remember, you can’t control others’ feelings or actions, but you can control your response. Focus on strengthening your relationship and creating a united front with your fiancé, but it’s vital that you feel his strong commitment to being united. If it is you against the two of them, that’s a pretty lonely place to be.

This solidarity will be crucial not just for navigating the current situation but for building a strong marital foundation.

4. Pre-wedding excitement and emotional readiness

The lack of excitement you’ve observed in your fiancé is troubling, especially at a time when the relationship should be filled with joyful anticipation. This emotional detachment could be a sign of deeper issues that need to be addressed before you proceed with the wedding.

It’s essential to distinguish between normal pre-wedding jitters and more severe reservations. Encourage your fiancé to articulate his feelings about the upcoming marriage. Is he truly ready for this commitment? Are there unresolved issues or fears holding him back?

While dramatic, I’d suggest postponing the wedding to focus on your relationship. While often expensive, weddings can be re-planned but not “re-lived” if you have dragged your fiance kicking and screaming to the altar. You deserve to feel loved and desired on your wedding day and have an enthusiastic audience to embrace you as a couple.

During this “reconsideration” time, engage in activities that remind you both why you chose to get married in the first place. This could involve revisiting meaningful places, recreating early dates, or simply spending quality time together away from the stress of wedding preparations.

Your own attitude during this time is also essential. Notice whether you find yourself trying to “convince” your fiance of anything. Try, whenever possible, to be less enthusiastic and more reticent. The last thing you want to experience at each step (new house, new baby, etc) is that same reluctance to take action. Take this as a valuable sign that it is time to slow down and be thoughtful.

Moving forward

As you navigate this challenging time, remember that marriage is not just a celebration but the beginning of a lifelong partnership. The issues you’re facing now – family dynamics, communication, decision-making, and emotional readiness – will likely resurface throughout your married life. How you handle them now can set the tone for your future together.

Consider the following steps:

  1. Seek professional help: Engage in premarital counseling to address these issues head-on. A neutral third party can provide valuable insights and tools for managing your challenges.
  2. Set boundaries: Work with your fiancé to establish clear boundaries with his father and any other family members who may be overstepping.
  3. Reassess your timeline: If necessary, be open to postponing the wedding to allow time to resolve these issues. A strong foundation is more important than adhering to a specific date.
  4. Focus on your partnership: Amidst all the external pressures, don’t lose sight of your relationship. Make time for each other and continue to nurture your bond.
  5. Encourage independence: Support your fiancé in developing his own identity separate from his father (and maybe from you, at least until he freely “chooses you.”) This might involve pursuing individual interests or making decisions without consulting his father.

Remember, a successful marriage requires two individuals who are emotionally ready and committed to building a life together. It’s crucial to address these issues now rather than hoping they’ll resolve themselves after the wedding.

Your concerns are valid, and it takes courage to confront these challenges. By tackling them thoughtfully and proactively, you’re demonstrating your commitment not just to the idea of marriage, but to the hard work of building a strong, lasting partnership.

Wishing you clarity, strength, and wisdom as you navigate this pivotal time in your relationship.

Thanks for writing.

Dr. K

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