Dear Dr. K,
Can you get help if your husband constantly denies that he gets emotionally dysregulated at the slightest thing? Or if any problem occurs, he overreacts, he’s impatient, and he reacts with a tone?
Outside of blowing up, he then thinks tomorrow I shouldn’t still be upset or use that as a reason. He says he’s in a good mood today, so I shouldn’t hold yesterday against him. He doesn’t realize that this happens at least four times a week, and it’s hard when there are no emotional deposits of kindness.
If they deny it, how can you then get help for the relationship?
Wife of a Cranky Husband
Dear Wife of a Cranky Husband,
I always look first at a medical explanation for chronic crankiness.
1. Is your husband getting proper sleep?
2. Is your husband particularly cranky after a night of drinking or drug use, or only when drinking or drugging?
3. Is your husband in pain?
4. Is your husband depressed? Depression doesn’t show up in men in the same way that it shows up in women. Read this article to learn more about the difference in the way men and women show depression.
These questions are important to answer before looking at a psychological explanation for his behavior.
You are describing a man who has little insight or willingness to acknowledge the pain his behavior is causing.
The reasons for this may be numerous. You may be acting as his “whipping boy.”
In earlier times, if the prince acted badly, a child was chosen as the designated “whipping boy” because, of course, the prince could not be touched. The designated whipping boy was whipped as a substitute for the prince.
In this context, you may be acting as a substitute for your husband‘s physical or psychological distress. It’s not fair to you, and it should stop.
Some of us are walled off to our emotions as a way of managing the stresses and strains of our everyday life. We have a boss that we hate, a job we despise doing, disrespectful children, or a pain in the butt brother-in-law. Most of us have too little money at the end of every month to live a decent life.
For whatever reason, instead of examining our lives and making constructive changes, it becomes easier to find a victim for our frustration and let it rip.
However, this behavior needs an audience and a willing victim. I would begin by talking seriously to your husband during these more cheerful moments about exactly what behavior you find offensive, the problems that needs to be discussed, and a more constructive way to discuss it.
Write them down and hand them to him. Identify which of these have a clear solution and which ones need a more thorough discussion, because they are emotionally charged. Gottman calls this the difference between perpetual and solvable problems, and most problems between couples are perpetual.
In perpetual problems, both parties need to feel heard and understood, in order to find some way of managing these chronic differences. If one wins and one loses, both of you lose. One of you wants to spend more money and the other wants to save. One of you believes the kids need more discipline and the other one believes the children need more understanding. One of you believes the house is too small and you need to move and the other one is happy where they are. Most of the time, these issues have a deep meaning to each person that needs to be explored. You can argue about it until you are blue in the face, and every month when the credit card bill comes in, it’s the same argument.
It’s time for a different approach. It’s time for a discussion about what money means, what possessions mean, and what it means to save for the future. Sometimes these discussions involve talking about how things were done in your own family.
Let your husband know that not only can’t you live with the behavior he’s demonstrating, but he also should ask himself why he responds so unpleasantly to your efforts to resolve this particular issue. What about this issue is so upsetting to him?
And then do your best to listen to his answer. He might tell you that the way you’re bringing the issue up is upsetting to him. That is behavior you can change.
He might tell you that he doesn’t consider the issue you bring up as a “problem” or things he can do anything about.
You might explain to him that 69% of problems that a couple has are perpetual, meaning the best that they can do is to talk about and try and understand each other. That means they have to create an atmosphere of openness and willingness to hear what the other has to say.
You can tell him you don’t feel like he’s being open to you.
You might quote the famous line “when mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.“ In other words, if it’s a problem for one, it’s a problem for both.
But if he tells you that he simply does not want to hear you complain about anything at all, you need to point out that this attitude of his is a serious problem. It’s disrespectful and it’s not behavior that you can tolerate.
And then comes the hard part: stop continuing to discuss the issue when he is being rude escalating, or offensive. Stop being the whipping boy.
If this is happening four times per week, chances are that very little constructive action is happening in your marriage. In every marriage important decisions need to be made. If you find that in your marriage, he is the only one who is able to make decisions, this is a larger problem that needs to be addressed.
Otherwise, if he blows up at you for bringing up issues, in the calmer moments, you need to let him know that these decisions need to be made, and if he chooses not to collaborate with you calmly in order to make them you will make them yourself.
Most people want to feel loved and respected in their marriages. Most people want to feel heard and listened to. You may consider being the initiator of a different kind of relationship In which you are there to be a listening ear to whatever he wants to talk about.
It’s hardest to listen when the topic is you and what he wants you to change. But often times in a world riddled with disrespect, the fastest way to improving the problem is to show respect yourself.
I’d be interested to hear how it turns out when you decide for a while to really investigate what might be going on with him and refusing to engage with him when his behavior is escalated or rude.
Thanks for writing.
Dr. K
